Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Monday, December 18, 2017

Different People Hear Differently!

Filed under: Listening — Larry James @ 10:30 am
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What you say is not nearly as important as what we hear. Which means that the words matter, and so does the way we say them. And how we say them.

And what we do after we say them.

It takes two to be understood. Not just speaking clearly, but speaking in a way that you can be understood.

Empathy is not sufficient. Compassion is more useful, because it’s possible to talk to someone who is experiencing something that you’ve never experienced.

The words above are from a blog post by Seth Godin.

“External factors in the home also make it difficult for couples to be attentive to one another. Household chores, tending to children, working from home, and a host of other necessities can definitely present challenges to communication. This is true even among the most loving and supporting of couples.” ~ © 2014 MarriageMoment.org

Rather than becoming upset or angry when your spouse appears to be inattentive, accept responsibility to gain their attention. When the words, “We need to talk” are heard it makes most men quiver with fear. So, instead, when you need to have an important talk, choose a good time and quiet place to initiate conversation. If your partner had a tough day, is tired, has a lot on his/her mind, is busy with an important task, etc., it may be wise to wait for a better opportunity to talk. And talk you must. Never let important conversation slide.

Here is an over-simplified solution: When your partner talks to you… turn down the TV, get rid of any distractions and LISTEN! Paying attention takes conscious effort. It is highly conducive to building a sense of connection to your partner. You say, “I love you” in a very special way when you pay attention to your partner! It’s truly a matter of respect!

If you are the partner who is not being heard… it may be necessary to make a request. I once put on my “feelings” hat and said to my partner; “Can you understand how frustrating it is for me to tell you something that I consider very important only to have to repeat it because you are not paying attention when I speak? It feels like your not interested in what I have to say.” I got a quick apology and her immediate attention.

If any of this rings the bell for you, it is important to understand that you have valid emotional needs, – one of which is being heard – and when those needs are ignored, relationship conflicts arise.

“Effective communication – especially in times of conflict – calls for a focused dedication and repetitious practice. It calls for honest self-evaluation, humility, a sense of fair play, and a willingness to change according to the needs of the relationship. And it takes (at least) two.” ~ Thom Rutledge Quote, LCSW

For the Guys

Listen to your partner when they need to be heard. Listening (in a relationship) is an art. It takes practice. It not the kind of listening that signals, “Yeah, I heard that… now what?” It the kind of listening that lets your partner know that you really care about what she is saying. When she speaks… you must focus on what she is saying. Make eye contact. Drop what you are doing. Turn off the TV and really pay attention to what she is saying. Don’t get defensive. Just listen. If she is speaking about a bad day, resist the urge to “fix-it!” She really doesn’t want a Mr. Fix-it, she wants a committed listener!

whenshespeaks.jpgFor the Gals

Say what you want, clearly. Don’t hint. Guys don’t get hints. That’s the way their brain is wired. Men cannot read your mind. Don’t have any undelivered communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. No wonder you think that he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t have a clue about what you are talking about. I’ve been criticized for saying, “Say things worth listening to,” as if I meant that you don’t. The point is, when you want your guy’s attention, wait before you speak until you have it. If he is not in the listening groove… be patient until he is. Then, be clear and specific about what you want.

“Rarely is there a time when it is appropriate to withhold relevant communication in a love relationship. Communication is too important to take casually. Say what you mean. Say what you feel in a loving way and say it nevertheless. When you say what you know needs to be said, you will never have to worry about saying the wrong thing.” ~ Larry James

For Everyone

Almost everyone agrees that communication is the number one problem is most relationships. Communication is about speaking and listening. It’s not about always trying to defend your position or holding on to being right. It’s also about negotiation, compromise, and much more. Learn to be good at it. When one person is speaking (no interruptions), the other is listening (paying attention), and vice versa. Maintaining respect for your partner’s point of view is critical regardless of whether there is agreement or not.

“According to the University of Missouri, it takes 25 percent of our mental capacity to hear what someone is saying, leaving the other 75 percent to wander wherever it wants. However, discipline and active engagement in the conversation can significantly improve your listening skills.” ~ Lily Obeck

The secret to communicating effectively with your partner is listening! Many of us are poor listeners. We lose interest as soon as out partner begins to talk about something that has been a concern or that has caused conflict in the past. We find ourselves dipping into our bag of tricks and using anything to avoid that conversation and it’s usually begins by not listening.

Copyright © 2017 ~ Seth Godin and Larry James. All rights reserved.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ comment. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I HATE You, Daddy!!!!!

Filed under: Love,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am
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When my daughter was about 10 years old she went berserk. Well, maybe not berserk, but it sure felt like it to me. She moved into a total stage of rebellion. It was so bad that I heard the words, “I hate you” more than I care to recall.

Thumb and Index Finger Indicating Just a Little Bit - Photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/Joe_Potato, Image #5620578

“I love you, Daddy (about this much!)

When asked to do something she didn’t want to do, she would have this sudden burst of anger. It was like a knife going into my heart. When this began to happen, my initial (angry) response was, “Don’t talk to me like that!,” etc.

I never went to “Daddy School.” I was at a loss as to how to handle this kind of outburst.

One day while driving my car, I was listening to an audio cassette (remember them?) and I heard the speaker say, “When someone treats you badly, calls you names, etc., always remember, ‘that is them expressing as much love for you as they can at that moment in time.'” It was the voice of Werner Erhard. I pulled off to the side of the road, hit rewind and must have listened to those same words at least a dozen times.

I immediately thought of my daughter’s harsh words. I made a decision that day. I decided that the next time I heard her scream, “I hate you,” I would respond differently. I was committed to listening to her differently! Instead of hearing her say, “I hate you,” I would listen as if she were saying, “I love you, Daddy, but only a very little bit.”

tasteyourwordsIt didn’t take long. Later that afternoon, she had just gotten home from school and I reminded her to clean her room before dinner. Her response? “I hate you!” as she stormed off to her room. Instead of my usual response, I followed her to her room and said, “Kelly, I love you and no matter what you say or how you feel about me, I am your father and I will always love you. You have my permission to hate me.”

Her response? “I don’t need your permission to hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” By this time she was in her room about to slam the door. I quickly put my foot in the door and as she continued to try to shut the door, I said, “I understand, and you need to always remember that I will love you no matter what you say or how you feel now.” I removed my foot from the door. It slammed and a miracle occurred.

TonguehasNObonesThe miracle? She never said, “I hate you” to me again. I’m certain there were times when she thought it but the magic was, she never said that to me again.

It took another 11 years – on her 21st birthday – when she finally said, “I love you, Dad.” It was worth the wait. I got tears in my eyes, gave her a big hug and today have a terrific relationship with my daughter.

So… what’s the point? Be a committed listener and listen differently. Respond differently. In a committed relationship disagreements occur. Anger sometimes rises to the surface and we are tempted to call our partner names; to say things that we will later regret. When we do it’s important to remember to:

STOP! Before you respond, remember they are expressing as much love for you as they can at that moment in time.
THINK! Weigh your words. Think about what you will say and how you will say it.
REQUEST a Time-out! Take time to cool off. Waiting to respond is worth the wait.

Treat each other with kindness. Withhold calling the one you say you love bad names. Be the one to take the first step toward healing the hurt not perpetuating it. Demonstrate your love!

luvUthisMuchCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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