Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Before You Give Up…

A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com – one of the the digital leaders in love and relationships – offers compelling insights into why marriages fail.

Be4UgiveUP2The leading cause of divorce? Communication problems, followed by sexual infidelity and “not spending enough time together/not mutually prioritizing the marriage.”

When you have a problem, not communicating with your partner about it sends a message of its own. They get to make up what they think the non-spoken messages convey. Women are skilled in this activity. 😉

She might conclude that you do not love her as much as you used to. She might decide you just do not care anymore. HER lesson is to understand that when you do talk, it is time to honor YOUR feelings and just listen. On the other hand – what is she supposed to think? You won’t talk! You often totally close down at the most inopportune times, sometimes because you don’t know what to say or how to say it.

Maybe you are afraid you might appear weak, or she might lose respect for you, and on and on. Maybe it is because every time you do allow yourself to become vulnerable enough to talk, she butts in with HER feelings!

The typical woman has a need to verbalize, communicate, declare, express, vent, chatter, discuss, dialogue and debate the problem; she needs to continue to talk about it until she is finished talking about it. To her, this means she cares. It is the way SHE solves problems. YOUR lesson is to know that this is the way she is.

Some couples give up too easily! He doesn’t take out the garbage and she want’s a divorce and it’s not about the garbage! Undelivered communication is a relationship killer. Being emotionally honest and having intimate conversations can cause you to feel vulnerable.

When two people really love each other, they openly and honestly communicate. They talk about what matters. No withholds. They have learned to talk about anything, and everything… all the time, and I must add… that is relevant to their relationship.

If the relationship you are in doesn’t feel like there is a lot of love showing up, it’s time to begin demonstrating a higher commitment to finding that love again.

For those who might give in and let go of a potentially great marriage, think about what breaking up means. Take your time. Think some more. What were you feeling when your partner proposed? What were you thinking? What happened that even has you “thinking” about leaving? Think about that. What “REALLY” happened. Be honest. Let go and allow yourself to inspect what happened. You are not allowed to blame your partner. Forgive. Forgive YOU first, then whoever else needs forgiveness. Have a candid conversation with your partner about what you are “feeling” and what’s next.

It’s more fun to stay together and to make up than to deal with the stress that often happens when you are alone and lonely.

Don’t get me wrong. Not every relationship issue is solvable for the benefit of both. And there is always a time to let go and move on. Only you can decide.

So… before you give up, communicate! It’s time to wake up… NOW… not break up! Don’t let your relationship fizzle. Have a candid talk with yourself first, then a candid conversation together. (A calm, loving, low decibel conversation, works best!).

So, how can couples divorce-proof their marriages? Sixty-five percent of experts agree the most effective way is by improving communication, followed by decreasing negativity/criticism. Only about four percent cited more or better sex.

Final Thought: If you need help, ask for it!

BONUS Article: For Men Only – Have No Undelivered Communication!
Together… Until the Love Runs Out
Halfway to Each Other…

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Monday, December 22, 2014

Divorce Does Not Have to Be a Nasty Break-up!

Filed under: Divorce,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: , , ,

After talking with my former wife, I hung up, sat back in my chair and thought: “I know she really loves me!”

WoW!

A wave of realization rolled over me. Although I already knew this, this sudden mind fart got me thinking. We love each other, however, although we were married for 20 years and after a long time, reconnected; lived together for about 5 years and again we are apart, we still see each other often.

DivorceNOTmessyIt just wasn’t in the cards for us to be together forever. It’s obvious that we love each other and… we are not together. We had a friendly parting of the ways. We have had honest conversations about what cause the breakup. We both said, “I’m sorry” and have forgiven each other and realize that you can love someone and choose not be together.

When someone really loves you, they won’t try to change you, but they also won’t let you settle for anything less than you were created to be. If someone wants to be around you all the time, that’s not love – it’s infatuation. As love matures, two people will realize that they often need to do things separate to maintain their own identities.

LauraWasser

For more info, click the book cover!

During the time we do spend together, she will often ask about, and show sincere interest in, the high and low points of my work day. We show respect for each others views. I have found that it’s possible for you and your partner to be on completely opposite poles of the political spectrum and still remain friends. The key feature is not what your beliefs are, but how open you can be to accepting your partner’s perspective as valid.

We often spend time reliving our most enjoyable moments from the past, and do so in a positive and supportive way.

Ours is a love of deep friendship and support. I am a better person now than I was before I met her and so is she. Sometime along the way, she became my best friend. I am proof that you can love someone and choose not be with them. As a relationship coach, I know this is not common, but how my wife and I handled the end of our marriage some years ago was a contributing factor to having our divorce go smoothly and end up still being very special friends. We both communicated the truth about the marriage. We walked away knowing it was both of us who contributed to the downfall. It was a very powerful feeling.

Our relationship was complete! Notice that I did not say that the relationship was over. Relationships never end. You can be complete with a relationship but they never end. Death, divorce, or separation does not end a relationship, it only changes it. As long as you have memory, you will have a relationship.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~ Socrates

Why am I telling you all this? I want you to know that divorce or separation does not have to be a nasty break-up. It does not have to be a disaster. That would be called an unhealthy divorce. It can be a friendly parting of the ways. We both chose to be respectful of each other, not to get stuck in the blame game, and to take the high road and have a smooth split. Painful as it is, successful divorce can help both of you to begin new lives that offer a second chance at future successful relationships. You can choose to have a healthy divorce if you are willing to both move beyond your ego. How well you perform this task in large part will determine how your own personal future will turn out.

The changes brought on by divorce can be overwhelming. But now more than ever, it is important to take care of yourself. Must separation put an end to friendship? Certainly not. Although we are apart, we remain friends. Tap into your network of support, turning to family, friends and a professional coach for assistance and comfort.

No matter what happened to cause you to be apart… forgiveness and a mutual respect for one another can make things go much better.

BONUS Article: Everything We Think We Know About Marriage and Divorce is Wrong!!
After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself
The Three Biggest Mistakes Newly Singles Make
Who Would You Have to Become?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Advice to Men After a Divorce Following 16 Years of Marriage (Women Should Read this too!)

Gerald Rogers, Guest Author

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had.

Beach-Cuddling1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and un-judging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

startingOver14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN – THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Larry’s NOTE: Loreena Hackett brought this article to my attention on her Facebook page. Thanks, Loreena!

Copyright © 2014 – Gerald Rogers.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Monday, August 5, 2013

Married of Not, You Should Read This…

Filed under: "I'm sorry!",Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

WhatWouldYouDoI avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; “don’t tell our son about the divorce.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this.

It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, “all my dresses have grown bigger.” I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

lovingmemoryBut her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.” I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?,” she said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said, “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.” Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us part.”

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed… DEAD! My wife had been fighting cancer for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son – I’m a loving husband.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s best friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It’s never too late.

Larry’s NOTE: The author to this piece is unknown. It was sent to me from a Facebook friend. Thanks, friend!

BONUS Article: Never Intentionally Say Hurtful Words to Your Partner

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. Check out Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Friday, April 19, 2013

NEVER Speak the “D” Word…

Filed under: Divorce,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: ,

I repeat, NEVER say the “D” word to your partner.

Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell. Once you threaten divorce it becomes an option.

dwordToo many people are too quick to get a divorce. Something happens. You become angry and in the heat of battle, you threaten divorce. You should never make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil.

Marriage is the most sacred of trusts between two people. When you married, you made some promises. Just because you are disappointed at the anger, bitterness, ambivalence, or venom you are receiving from your partner, remind yourself that divorce is difficult for both people, no matter what the circumstances are. Divorce is a game changer.

“You shouldn’t get a divorce until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.” ~ Dr. Phil

divorceSeparation, divorce or death do not end a relationship… they only change it. As long as you have memory you will always be related. You can recognize when a relationship is over AND it never ends. You can be complete with a relationship but they never end. The relationship only becomes different… it never ends. Letting go and moving on is the difficult part.

Caution: Leave your friends and family out of your fights. It is not wise to share your marital woes with your friends. They are only hearing one side of the story and will often unknowingly talk you into divorce. Your friends often feel that they must choose who they will favor and who they will lose.

Try this: Instead of talking to your friends about your partner, commit to begin really listening to your partner for at least 30 days. You may discover the “real” problem. Before you end something, you need to make sure you can walk away saying, “We did everything we could do.”

Get support. Relationship coaching is a much better option. Get a relationship “tune up.” If your partner will not go, go alone. Stay focused on healing the relationship. Learn some coping skills. It may be better for you to seek counseling rather than starting over. Good coaches are experts at listening. They can often uncover the “real” source of your frustration with your partner.

The last word: When your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, a compulsive gambler, a drug addict, a criminal, a deadbeat or some other trait that makes a marriage unsafe and unhealthy, it is justifiable to end the marriage (or relationship).

heartbroken2CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Monday, November 26, 2012

Hmmm… Are You At The Risk Of Cheating?

Filed under: Cheating,Guest Authors,Relationships — Larry James @ 8:30 am
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Megan Xiao, Guest Author

Are our normal lives as scandalous as celebrities? Statistics on cheating say so. Actually, with more than half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s more likely that you will cheat at least once in your life than not. Are we really as dirty as the very celebrities we love to hate?

lipstickHollywood can’t escape scandal and the media can’t turn away from it. Some cried, some rejoiced, most of us didn’t care when the news broke that Kstew and RPattz split after Kstew’s alleged affair with “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders.

What about the Terminator’s love child? Or Brangelina’s classic Hollywood love story of meeting and cheating on the set of a movie together?

Can we escape it?! Learn why people cheat, the warning signs and how to prevent it in your relationships.

Why Do People Cheat?

Loneliness, boredom, feelings on inadequacy, unhappiness are all reasons why people cheat, but really! Why? According the truthaboutdeception.com, it’s estimated that 30 to 60 percent of spouses will cheat at least once during the course of their marriage. So what really makes people succumb to the pressure?

When a combination of emotions like love, desire and attachment overwhelm a person, it’s hard to deny those emotions. Think about when you’re dieting; once you get to a good place with your diet, it’s smooth sailing, but occasionally you may see your guiltiest pleasure, sitting there, wrapped up so deliciously — it takes almost everything inside of you to say no. But sometimes, combined circumstantial factors like hunger and desire cause you to do it.

CheatingOnce you’re married, it’s easy to get swept up and away from your partner: “The proverbial thing where you have duel resignation. You get married, crank out a couple of kids, the wife chases the kids and the career and the husband chases the career. Then all of a sudden, you revolve your life around the kids and you put romance on the back burner and then you throw in an attractive person and there you have it,” said Ed Young in The Christian Post.

Are You At Risk Of Cheating?

While the desire to cheat remains an unconscious part of our human nature, why do some people do it more than others? A combination of these major cheating risk factors can lead to doing the dirty deed with someone other than your spouse.

  • Attitude – Do you see love and sex as a game, or cherish it as a sacred bond between two people? The way you view your relationships is your biggest indicator as to whether you’re more susceptible to cheating.
  • Trouble in Paradise – Relationship problems are the biggest reason that all people cheat. If you’re unhappy or neglected, you will look for it elsewhere.
  • The Hot Factor – More money, more problems, and more education and career success too. These all enhance your chances for cheating.
  • Sex Drive – This varies from person to person, but a strong sex drive increases your likelihood of cheating.
  • Adrenaline Junkie – Risk taker personalities and people who enjoy adventure are more likely to to take the chance of sleeping with another person.

A good source of strength to battle the urge to cheat can come from community and friendly support at your local church. While you may not be the church-going type, you’d be surprised at church members’ desire to help someone in need to get on the right path.

BONUS Articles: Can You Forgive Someone That Cheated On You?
My Partner Cheat? Never! – 29 Red Flags That May Suggest a Cheater
Cyber Cheating = Emotional Infidelity!

MeganCopyright © 2012 – Megan Xiao. Megan is a film fanatic. She loves to curl up with a bowl of Jiffy Pop and watch TMC or stream indy films on Hulu. She can go for a chick flic just as easily as an action-packed movie with Vince Vaughn. Currently, her fantasy husband is Ben Affleck and her favorite movie is “Argo,” but that will likely change tomorrow.

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Myth of Divorce: ReDating is a Better Option

Filed under: Dating,Divorce,Guest Authors,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am
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Shela Dean, Guest Author

People who divorce often think they’ll be happier. Statistics say otherwise.

A 2002 study by the Institute for American Values showed that 66% of unhappily married adults who didn’t divorce were happily married five years later even when the marriage had serious problems. Only 20% had divorced and happily remarried in the same time period. You’re more likely to end up happily married to the spouse you have than if you trade your spouse for a newer model. Why?

redateHere’s why: Divorce allows you to drag all your old baggage into a new relationship and avoid dealing with your issues. It’s staying in your marriage and dealing with those issues that makes you healthier. The healthier you are, the more likely you are to have a happy marriage because the foundation for a great relationship with another is a great relationship with yourself.

There is no better context for self-improvement than marriage. Marriage provides unmatched motivation to be our best even when it means facing and overcoming our fiercest demons. Couples who go from unhappily married to happily married did so because they were willing to work on themselves first.

Every married person has a painful moment. It’s the moment when you realize the perfect 10 you thought you landed is really a flawed 6 or 7. When that first spark of attraction flashes, your brain goes into overdrive producing a cocktail of hormones that has the same effect on your brain as cocaine. Mother Nature gets you so doped up on love hormones you can’t see straight. It’s why new lovers idealize the relationship, maximize their lover’s virtues, and minimize or explain away their sweetheart’s faults. The effect of those hormones always wears off.

This coincides with something else that happens: once you’ve sealed the deal with a wedding ring, you sigh in relief and slow down (or stop altogether) doing those things you did while dating. Dating is to marriage what foreplay is to sex. It’s the seduction phase of the relationship during which you do everything in your power to seduce your beloved into wanting to spend the rest of his or her life with you.

Once courtship is successful, we relax into the relationship and think (at least subconsciously) that seduction is no longer necessary. Disappointments, hurts and misunderstandings (big and small) pile up, killing the generous and positive way in which, during dating, you saw each other.

datingheartMother Nature’s job is to get you together. It’s your job to stay together. We may be hardwired to couple but we’re not hardwired with relationship skills. Those have to be learned and that’s where ReDate Your Mate comes in.

ReDate Your Mate is a four-step strategy designed to help you:

• ReCreate the Dating You to become your best vision of You, someone who is not only personally fulfilled and experiencing self-love, but is also a hot date and a great catch.

• ReJuvenate Dating Behavior by doing again what made you fall in love in the first place and will keep you in love for the long haul.

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Click for more info!

• ReAwaken a Dating Mindset by nixing the negative and adopting a 24/7 positive and generous state of mind.

• ReVitalize Your Marriage Model into one that is based on your needs and wishes today because the reasons why you got married aren’t necessarily the reasons why you stay married.

Who among us hasn’t said, “If I only knew then what I know now, I’d do things differently?” You can’t roll back the clock. You can, however, start anew armed with what you know now. That’s what ReDating is all about—transforming your marriage by doing it better and wiser this time around.

Most who divorce look back and wish they’d tried harder. Don’t become part of that statistic. Instead, ReDate Your Mate.

Larry’s NOTE: When I read a book, I always mark the good parts with a yellow highlighter. My copy of “ReDate Your Mate” has been transformed into mostly yellow on the inside… it’s that good! Read Shela’s book and learn how to be your own hero in your relationship. Shela Dean has written another winner! Her first book, “Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy” was a dandy and this one will keep you glued to the pages until you finish it!

BONUS Articles: Date Your Mate
Remember FUN?

sheladean

Copyright © 2012 – Shela Dean. Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach and speaker. She has counseled more than 2,000 couples since 1983 and is the author of ReDate Your Mate: 4 Steps to Falling in Love All Over Again!and Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy – a guide to improving intimacy for couples. Since retiring from the practice of law, she has shared her relationship strategies with others through one-on-one relationship coaching, seminars, and now through her new book detailing a fun and effective strategy for improving emotional intimacy. Visit Shela’s Website!

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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