Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Monday, December 18, 2017

Different People Hear Differently!

Filed under: Listening — Larry James @ 10:30 am
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What you say is not nearly as important as what we hear. Which means that the words matter, and so does the way we say them. And how we say them.

And what we do after we say them.

It takes two to be understood. Not just speaking clearly, but speaking in a way that you can be understood.

Empathy is not sufficient. Compassion is more useful, because it’s possible to talk to someone who is experiencing something that you’ve never experienced.

The words above are from a blog post by Seth Godin.

“External factors in the home also make it difficult for couples to be attentive to one another. Household chores, tending to children, working from home, and a host of other necessities can definitely present challenges to communication. This is true even among the most loving and supporting of couples.” ~ © 2014 MarriageMoment.org

Rather than becoming upset or angry when your spouse appears to be inattentive, accept responsibility to gain their attention. When the words, “We need to talk” are heard it makes most men quiver with fear. So, instead, when you need to have an important talk, choose a good time and quiet place to initiate conversation. If your partner had a tough day, is tired, has a lot on his/her mind, is busy with an important task, etc., it may be wise to wait for a better opportunity to talk. And talk you must. Never let important conversation slide.

Here is an over-simplified solution: When your partner talks to you… turn down the TV, get rid of any distractions and LISTEN! Paying attention takes conscious effort. It is highly conducive to building a sense of connection to your partner. You say, “I love you” in a very special way when you pay attention to your partner! It’s truly a matter of respect!

If you are the partner who is not being heard… it may be necessary to make a request. I once put on my “feelings” hat and said to my partner; “Can you understand how frustrating it is for me to tell you something that I consider very important only to have to repeat it because you are not paying attention when I speak? It feels like your not interested in what I have to say.” I got a quick apology and her immediate attention.

If any of this rings the bell for you, it is important to understand that you have valid emotional needs, – one of which is being heard – and when those needs are ignored, relationship conflicts arise.

“Effective communication – especially in times of conflict – calls for a focused dedication and repetitious practice. It calls for honest self-evaluation, humility, a sense of fair play, and a willingness to change according to the needs of the relationship. And it takes (at least) two.” ~ Thom Rutledge Quote, LCSW

For the Guys

Listen to your partner when they need to be heard. Listening (in a relationship) is an art. It takes practice. It not the kind of listening that signals, “Yeah, I heard that… now what?” It the kind of listening that lets your partner know that you really care about what she is saying. When she speaks… you must focus on what she is saying. Make eye contact. Drop what you are doing. Turn off the TV and really pay attention to what she is saying. Don’t get defensive. Just listen. If she is speaking about a bad day, resist the urge to “fix-it!” She really doesn’t want a Mr. Fix-it, she wants a committed listener!

whenshespeaks.jpgFor the Gals

Say what you want, clearly. Don’t hint. Guys don’t get hints. That’s the way their brain is wired. Men cannot read your mind. Don’t have any undelivered communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. No wonder you think that he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t have a clue about what you are talking about. I’ve been criticized for saying, “Say things worth listening to,” as if I meant that you don’t. The point is, when you want your guy’s attention, wait before you speak until you have it. If he is not in the listening groove… be patient until he is. Then, be clear and specific about what you want.

“Rarely is there a time when it is appropriate to withhold relevant communication in a love relationship. Communication is too important to take casually. Say what you mean. Say what you feel in a loving way and say it nevertheless. When you say what you know needs to be said, you will never have to worry about saying the wrong thing.” ~ Larry James

For Everyone

Almost everyone agrees that communication is the number one problem is most relationships. Communication is about speaking and listening. It’s not about always trying to defend your position or holding on to being right. It’s also about negotiation, compromise, and much more. Learn to be good at it. When one person is speaking (no interruptions), the other is listening (paying attention), and vice versa. Maintaining respect for your partner’s point of view is critical regardless of whether there is agreement or not.

“According to the University of Missouri, it takes 25 percent of our mental capacity to hear what someone is saying, leaving the other 75 percent to wander wherever it wants. However, discipline and active engagement in the conversation can significantly improve your listening skills.” ~ Lily Obeck

The secret to communicating effectively with your partner is listening! Many of us are poor listeners. We lose interest as soon as out partner begins to talk about something that has been a concern or that has caused conflict in the past. We find ourselves dipping into our bag of tricks and using anything to avoid that conversation and it’s usually begins by not listening.

Copyright © 2017 ~ Seth Godin and Larry James. All rights reserved.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ comment. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Sunday, June 1, 2014

You Cannot Not Talk…

Communicating with your partner is an absolute necessity for the success of the relationship!

Not communicating with your relationship partner – or not allowing them access to your thoughts and feelings – can exact a heavy price. A communications gap doesn’t only undermine the potential of the relationship; it can, and usually will eventually destroy the relationship.

TalkFace2FaceThe sound of silence in a relationship is deafening. The silent treatment sends many messages – “I’m not interested,” “I have nothing of value to say,” “Whenever I say something you argue with me,” “I give up… what’s the use?” “We used to talk everyday. Now I feel like we don’t even know each other any more,” and more. When it gets to that point, there is a serious issue brewing. Time to sit down – face-to-face – and work it out OR get help!

What stops you from communicating is not making a decision to do so. “Take all the time you need to decide, but the ice cream is melting!”

When your partner decides to communicate with you, he/she does so to fulfill a need.

Everyone manages emotion, communication and conflict from habit – patterns and styles developed early in life. In this context the past greatly affects your present relationship. To have a happy and successful relationship, you need to take control of how you interact with your partner.

It is my opinion that some of the greatest needs of human beings – after physical survival – is to be understood, affirmed, validated, forgiven and appreciated. The best way to get your needs met is to communicate those needs.

Never assume that your partner knows how you feel. People tend to rely heavily on assumptions to communicate. The problem with that is that you can’t be sure if someone’s assumptions are the same as yours, unless you communicate. Your partner cannot read your mind. Hints don’t work.

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

TalkYour methods of communication are more important than the messages themselves. Your tone of voice is also often more important than what you say.

Then, there’s “listening!”

BONUS Articles: Say Something…
“I’m Fine!” and she stomped away…
Weigh Your Words

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Re-imagine, Re-design and Re-launch Your Relationship!

Filed under: Change,Choice,Communication,Compliments,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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After years of being together sometimes you drift away from the feelings you once had when you were first together. Usually one partner notices it before the other. By the time the other partner realizes what’s happening, the partner who noticed is ready to leave the relationship and there is shock and they are left wondering what happened. Often it is too late.

Change3In my years of relationship coaching I have found that if one partner wants to re-imagine, re-design and re-launch their relationship they can have a profound influence upon the other partner. First realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are and while it works much better when both partners are working on the relationship together you may need to make a commitment to yourself to be working on only changing you. Discover the things you might need to change in yourself before your partner will change. What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner.

First comes conversation. Communicating how you feel about the relationship to your partner often get’s their attention. Open and honest communication can sometimes create an opening for love to be rediscovered. If you’ve not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your partner. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouse about your plan to change and enlist their support. If they don’t take you seriously, begin working on yourself. You don’t need their permission to make changes in you own life. If he or she discloses a desire to change, don’t be so quick to roll your eyes… instead be ready to help and not hinder the process.

Change2While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner. Sometimes it helps to remember what brought you together in the beginning. Never postpone having a conversation with your partner to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating the unhappiness in your relationship. As you learn to express your needs your partner will have a better understanding of who you are. To communicate your feelings may be difficult, but you must communicate. Increase communication and see what happens.

“People will Change only when they feel accepted for who they are. In other words, you need to communicate that you accept your partner just the way they are, flaws and all. At the same time you also ask them to change. The key is how you do that. The best way is to share your needs, wishes and desires with your partner and really let them in on why these are so important to you, and then leave them alone to think about it. Do not make demands. Ultimatums do not work, they only create resentment. You leave it alone and treat your partner like a friend. I am sure that there are a lot of irritants that kind of bug you about some of your good friends, but you let it be, for the sake of the friendship.” ~ Darren Wilk, MA, Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

ChangeBehaviorThere is a line in my romantic wedding ceremony that say, “Relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Never stop doing the things that brought you together in the first place.” That’s a big mistake. Another line reminds the couple, “When times call for you to be apart, may you always return to your togetherness in the same spirit of love that you are feeling in this moment.” In other words, you must focus on the good that has come from being together, not the distress that comes from drifting apart.

Someone once said, “What you think about and speak about, you bring about.” I believe this is true. If you’re playing the blame game; always blaming your partner for the way they have made you feel, you will get more of that. First thing to remember is that no one can get your goat if they don’t know where it’s tied up. They or the circumstance that you are in cannot make you feel bad. You have the choice to feel the way you do at any moment in time. So… wise up. Choose differently.

Begin to discover ways to renew and turn up the love that you had when you were first together. Focus on what you want your relationship to be. Let your imagination run wild. Re-fresh your thinking. Re-duce your complains and catch your partner doing something right… than thank them for being that way.

The frustration of your spouse’s lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.

“How soon should you begin in your effort to address each other’s complaints? My answer: As soon as the complaint is first made. Why wait for a complaint to turn into a demand, or a disrespectful judgment or an angry outburst? Why not deal with the issue immediately, as soon as it is spoken.” ~ Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

The change in a relationship must first occur in your thinking. In a new Northwestern University study, professors Hui, Bond, and Molden studied romantic couples and found that the more you think your partner is “incapable” of changing, the more your partner’s sincere efforts fail to improve the relationship. Conversely, the more you believe your partner is capable of change and trying to improve, the more secure and happy you will feel in your relationship.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~ Rumi

ChangePersonal change and growth can become issues in marriage because man and women develop at different rates. Couples change at different times in life and with different key motivators. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient and kind; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress. in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both partners have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier.

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? Acceptance comes next. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes. Accept that you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own behavior and reactions. Changing your own behavior may sometimes encourage your partner to want to make changes.

I once had a coaching client that accepted my challenge to avoid all criticism for 30 days. She began to “compliment” him instead. Her concern was that she might not be able to find something to compliment him about. When she began paying more attention to him she found that was not the case. Her husband noticed and began to change without her asking him to change.

Consider individual relationship coaching to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future. Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Never leave without telling your partner you don’t think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.

You once told each other that you loved each other. Perhaps it’s time to prove to them just how much you really do love them.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Friday, May 21, 2010

Talk the Talk. . .

Filed under: Relationships — Larry James @ 8:00 am
Tags: , ,

talkingInstead of speaking only of what has been. . . revise your way of speaking about what you want and need in your relationship today. Pour all of your energy into speaking only good words about your relationship.

So many times I hear partners speaking to their friends in a negative way about their partner. It you cannot say something good about them; it is better to say nothing at all. If you speak or think only of the problem, hopelessness and despair, you will get more of that.

failureWeigh your words. 500 of the most commonly used English words have 13,000 meanings. Choose your words carefully. They become your reality. Wherever your attention is centered, your thoughts will focus, and since action follows thought, the things you keep looking at and speaking about are going to determine what you will experience. Your relationship lives on the tip of your tongue.

Never intentionally say things to your partner that you know will trigger past bad experiences or be hurtful. To do so is antagonistic and just plain stupid. In this scenario, remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.

Make an effort everyday to tell your partner how much you appreciate them. Talk tenderly. Use terms of endearment, like “Honey,” “Sweetie,” “Baby,” etc. Say “thank you.” On the way to the office? Say “Goodbye, sweetheart” instead of just “Goodbye.” Whisper sweet nothings! Act loving toward each other daily and you will feel more loving toward your partner.

pillowtalkA little “pillow-talk” never hurt anyone! 😉 It might just add a little spice to your relationship.

I hate the term “Fake it till you make it,” however it’s true that when you begin to visibly act more enthusiastic about your relationship, the enthusiasm is contagious. Talking the talk is one thing. Speak only good of your partner to yourself, to your partner and to others. Only good. Walking the walk should also be a high priority.

Nurture your partner with words of love, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

Nurture: To nourish, educate, grow or develop; cultivate.

You are as alive as you can communicate!

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

For “Men” Only! – Putting Your Best Foot Forward or. . .

Filed under: For Men Only,Relationships — Larry James @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , ,

Should a Man Be Who He Really Is on the First Date? –

LoveNote. . . The miracle of unconditional love is nurtured by the power of the Divine and our own imagination! Imagine the possibilities! ~ Larry James

A loving relationship with yourself is a prerequisite to having a healthy love relationship with someone else. Assume you have that handled. What’s next?

We must remember that this is it! Someday is now! No time to mess around. Life is too short. Live in the present.

Experience the empowering feeling of allowing yourself the freedom to be who you need to be in your next relationship. . . right now. You have already experienced the past. Want more of that? Continue to focus on it and you will not be disappointed.

We must create a future worth living into. The old way of being in a relationship isn’t good enough. We must invent the kind of relationship we want, then go about devoting our time and energy to making it happen. It will happen when we care enough to give ourselves the very best of everything.

This includes giving yourself time if you are just coming out of a relationship that didn’t work. Welcome to living solo! They say, “Time heals all wounds” and you must do the things necessary for the healing of the hurt to occur. Work on you.

Every man needs to love himself unconditionally to be able to pass it on. You know you better than anyone. Ask yourself: “Who would I have to become to be the kind of person I would enjoy being with for the rest of my life?”

Spend some prayerful moments thanking God for the choice to choose the courage to become that person. Then, do what needs to be done.

Okay. So, you have been attracted to a real sweetheart and you are about to embark on ‘Destination Unknown,’ often called the first date. What to do? Naturally we men want to put our best foot forward. We have a thing about being really cool on the first date. Often we withhold who we really are, afraid that if she knew the truth about us, she would very quickly distance herself from us.

This is why we must learn to communicate more effectively how we feel to our partner. Women love men who are sensitive to their needs; who demonstrate that they care; who communicate understanding by listening to what she says (and when we are unclear about what she says. . . we ask questions – this shows we are really listening); and most of all, women love men who threat them with respect.

You show up as Mr. Clean; shoes shined, clean shaven, a dash of cologne and looking sharp. Most people are attracted to someone who is well groomed however, there is more to it than that. What do you communicate from your heart? Do you say what you feel needs to be said in a loving way?

Make good eye contact. This shows you are paying attention. It also suggests someone who is self-confident. Men whose eyes drift are, right or wrong, thought to be uncertain of themselves. To a woman, this is a red flag.

Have meaningful conversations about things that count. Watch your words. Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell. Once out there, words can be loving or deadly. Be brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable; to reveal those bits and pieces of yourself that communicate the real you. This does not mean boring her with your sordid past. . . only the relevant truth; what’s real for you in this relationship.

Part of the problem of dating is what M. Scott Peck, in his book “A Road Less Traveled” calls the ‘romantic myth.’ We try so hard, early in the relationship to always be at our best, then when we are several months into the relationship, we feel as though we have reached our goal, we slack off and that’s when things can begin to slowly fall apart.

You may hear her say, “You were so sensitive and caring when we were first dating. What’s happened to that wonderful man that swept me off my feet?” Or she may think it and never say it, leaving you to wonder, “What’s wrong?”

Listen carefully. Relationships are a bit of a puzzle for most men anyway. When a man and a woman finally get together, the glaring differences show up.

Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” says we must learn to recognize and understand these differences before we can effectively be ourselves in the relationship.

Only and always do your best. All the time. Not only when in pursuit. Not only when it’s broken and needs to be fixed. Every day and every minute. Do what works. If you send thoughtful greeting cards, leave love notes and, for no reason, give her an occasional flower. . . continue that process. Women love romance. It’s called. . . ‘follow-through.’ Keep on doing what works.

God wants what is best for you. You deserve only the best of everything. And it takes care and attention to your own wants and needs first, for you to be able to take on the responsibility of a committed, healthy love relationship.

Be yourself. . . right now! How sad to try to be someone you think someone else thinks you should be. It is not possible. Be the real you all the time.

Demonstrate your own authenticity. When you do, you never have to worry that six months down the road, she is going to be disappointed because she thinks the man she is now with is not the person she fell in love with.

In my “Relationship Enrichment LoveShops,” single women often complain that men don’t communicate their feelings. Now you know. Do that. Take a clue. Women have a desire to know the real you. Don’t withhold yourself. Be who you are and if you don’t like who you are, steer clear of a committed relationship for a while until you can learn to love yourself. You cannot deliver from an empty wagon. You must have love for yourself to be able to give the love your partner so richly deserves.

Men must learn to reveal ourselves to others. Let them be sure of who you are. It takes constant attention to detail. Be unto others as you would have them be unto you. Allow no miscommunication that would allow for misunderstandings. There is nothing inherently wrong with putting your best foot forward on the first date and the dates that follow unless you are only being nice for a while to get what you want. That isn’t good enough. You must take care to assure her that your best foot forward is connected to the real you.

Otherwise you will leave a trail of “broken hearts” along the way. Women will see you for who they think you are and after a while will begin to see the real you and may choose to leave. Be who you really are from the beginning! Always be authentic!

brokenheart

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

25 Words or Less: Connecting With Personal Ads

25wordscartoonDoes this sound familiar? You only intended to get something cold to drink at the local Quick Trip® and on the way back to your car, you stopped by the rusty rack outside and scanned the selection of local magazines chock full of personal ads.

You couldn’t resist picking up the copy with a picture of a good looking couple proclaimed to be their most recent “personal ads” success story. Suddenly, you find yourself scanning the “personals,” strictly for entertainment purposes, of course. You flip over to whatever section you might fit into to see what kind of people might be there. Oh, what fun!

You notice that there are some words in those ads that always seem to pop up; attractive and fun loving. Pretty redundant, huh? The people all appear to be exercise freaks, love to have fun and love the outdoors; surely they over-exaggerate. Your chances of meeting that special someone from this motley crew are about as slim as winning the lottery.

What kind of a person would really advertise for a love partner? They would have to be someone who can’t get a date; social outcasts, right? They all have to be fifty pounds overweight, totally desperate for love and look like Elmer Fudd or Roseanne.

Your thoughts turn to who would actually be brave enough to call the phone number listed at the end of the ad and just how much cash would someone be willing to part with to place these silly personal ads or make that 900 number call?

Our passion to find a playmate with whom we can share laughs, have fun with or perhaps even spend the rest of our life with is so strong that we often go to almost any lengths to make the connection.

Personal ads is big business. You will find them everywhere; magazines, newspapers, television, radio, billboards and the latest high tech ads are now appearing on the internet and the online services.

Those who are willing to learn the strategies of placing an ad, using the right words for maximum results, how to return calls, introducing yourself and where to place the ad, may be in for a great surprise. What if they worked?

While some might scoff at the very thought of “advertising” for a love partner, the many successful relationships that have occurred as a result of personal ads tells me that it is a viable way to attract a playmate, with a few caveats.

gatedCommunityBy applying the appropriate safety precautions, i.e., never give anyone your home or work address and avoid home phone numbers until you know them better, meet in busy public places (preferably in the afternoon), and in the beginning avoid “romantic dinners”. . . meeting people by personal ads has come of age. When you discover someone you want to meet, ask them if they mind if you bring a friend. If this freaks them out, run the other way.

By the way, the same advice is relevant for people who decide to meet someone in person that they have only met in an online chat room. Remember, it is very easy to hide behind a screen name.

Advertising yourself is a fun way to meet people. It’s about meeting people for the purpose of having someone special in your life, to have someone to talk with, to develop a healthy love relationship with, for mutual interests or just for the fun of meeting new friends.

My work with Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” as former host of his online chat room and my “Relationship Enrichment LoveShops” presented nationally, have highlighted two of the most common problems that occur in relationships.

First is undelivered communications.

When meeting singles through the personals, it is wise to play your cards close until you have had several face-to-face meetings and feel comfortable enough to begin fully sharing yourself. This occurs when there is a real connection; a mutual attraction and you both choose to pursue a relationship together.

Often we withhold what we know really needs to be said and by doing so, we temporarily shut down communications in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of all healthy love relationships. There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

One of the secrets to having healthy love relationships is to never be afraid to openly and honestly discuss whatever is relevant to the success of the relationship.

The second most common problem in relationships is unfulfilled expectations.

When looking for a serious love relationship in the personal ads, it is important to put aside your expectations about how you “think” things will work out and be okay with the way they do.

Once you know you are moving in the direction of a relationship, it is wise to let go of all of your expectations. A problem occurs when we expect our partner to love us a certain way and when they don’t, we are disappointed or, we expect them to do something or behave in a certain way, they don’t (they missed our subtle hints), and again we experience disappointment. By the way, subtle hints don’t work. No one can read your mind. Unfulfilled expectations cause relationship problems.

Instead we must learn to focus on what we “need” from the relationship. Everyone needs love. Discover the freedom that comes from allowing our love partner to love us the way “they” love us not the way we “expect” them to love us! We can best accomplish this by first discovering what we individually need from the relationship, then mutually communicating those needs to our love partner.

So, if you decide to try the personal ads, here are my suggestions in 25 words or less:

Express yourself with honest words. Exercise caution when answering ads. Drop your expectations. Be yourself. Meet in a public place. Focus on having fun.

When you are ready. . . love will find you.

calvo25wordsNOTE: This article appears as the foreword in the book, “25 Words or Less: How to Write Like a Pro to Find That Special Someone Through Personal Ads” by Emily Thornton Calvo & Laurence Minsky. To order, click here!

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This article is adapted from the introduction written by Larry James for the book, “25 Words or Less: How to Write Like a Pro to Find That Special Someone Through Personal Ads” by Emily Thornton Calvo and Laurence Minsky. Published by Contemporary Books, Chicago.

Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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