If you have been with your partner for a while… or longer, I would bet money that at one time or another, you may have thought: “I love you dearly and I need to be alone for awhile!” or “If I don’t get a little peace and silence, I’m going to SCREAM!”
If you’d lie about that you would lie about anything. 😉 The fact that we all need space is a reality that comes from within. It’s natural to want to have alone time.
We all need space to grow. Give each other that room to grow. No one can grow in the shade. Everyone needs different amounts of emotional space – some need an hour daily while others are happy with an hour weekly. Smart partners in a healthy relationship know to create space between them to do their own things. It’s easier when there is a commitment to be totally trustworthy.
Often when one person in a relationship tells the other person that they need to be alone, the other person often feels offended. If you’ve been taking care of you, this may not even come up. If not, you may question, “Why does he/she not want to be with me right now?” The formula is this: “Trust = Breathing Space.” Take care to reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner’s concerns.
“To train the mind to create physical spaces, start by leaving an open shelf or section of a room empty on purpose. That spot will serve as a reminder as to why we need to create physical space.” ~ DoRiS Chow
If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours.
Shocker: You do not need each other to be whole. No one can “complete” you. You are not your relationship. You are YOU! Allowing yourself breathing space. The desire to spent alone rather than with your partner has nothing to do with the other half of the couple-ship. Not allowing another person to have their space is often spurred by insecurity. It is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached to someone we love. Do you always do everything together? Other people should always be a part of our lives. Being permanently glued together doesn’t work.
Partners need time alone. They need space. That is time to be alone, time to just be. Give it willingly.
One of the most counterintuitive parts of relationship maintenance is that having space is actually critical to the success of lasting relationships. In fact, according to an ongoing federal study, having space and privacy is as important as a good sex life – if not more so.
“We must allow the person whom we love so dearly to have the time they need with the understanding that their need to be alone is not a personal attack against us. When we allow this alone time from a state of love, then we do not feel threatened by it and the other person does not feel guilty for needing to have alone time. This allows the alone time to be a positive experience for each person in the relationship which in the end will serve to strengthen the relationships rather than diminish it.” ~ Steph720’s Blog
Take time to be alone with your thoughts. Sometimes we simply need to be alone to sort things out, whatever those things are. This is another way to attend to your own healthy needs.
“Having time apart is extremely healthy and keeps a freshness in their relationship. It encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple, and it fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess.” ~ Sandy Smith
If you don’t make time to allow you to take care of you… who will? Couples can work out their space issues, if they understand each other’s different needs and why. If needing breathing space is an issue in your relationship, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. Tell your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships.
If that doesn’t work, create some space to talk to a relationship coach for some ideas.
Copyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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