Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Monday, October 1, 2012

How to Change Your Man

Filed under: Nagging — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Gotcha!

You know you can’t change your mate, but if you’re like 95 percent of most women, you can’t help trying. Probably a good idea to rethink that strategy.

According to a study from Canterbury University in New Zealand, thing is, the more you try to change him, the less happy you will both be.

naggingwomanIt’s a lose-lose power struggle. Instead figure out what you can do differently to manage his irritating behaviors, and you both win.

A woman has a very little chance of changing her man’s worst habits like leaving mountains of dirty underwear and socks on the floor, telling lies and not keeping promises, but there are ways and means, according to the experts. Many women do not understand that harsh criticism only makes it worse. You are not the mother or boss of your partner.

According to psychologist Michael Thiel, far more effective than threats or accusations is a negotiating strategy which runs something like this: “I love you and that is why I want to talk to you about something that will make our living together easier. Describe the habits of your partner, what you find disturbing and how this affects you,” the psychologist explains. “Tell him what your wishes are and what effect it has on you if he takes your wishes seriously.”

Many men are controlling, spoiled, immature, needy, and some are even violent. There is NEVER a good reason to stay with a man who is emotionally or physically abusive… NEVER! Men are often hesitant to let go of disruptive, disagreeable behaviors. They need to be encouraged to be a nurturer, a good father, and a good husband.

Don’t presume that the character traits you found endearing when you first met someone will always have the same appeal – there’s an up and down side to going out with a party animal, a sex beast or an intense and brooding intellectual. Sometimes, the very characteristics that first attracted you to someone can begin to pall when you realize what it’s like to live with this guy, day in, day out.

ChangeMen are not hard wired or socialized for the fantasy relationship that movies, novels, and fairytales promised. All the nagging, complaining and crying just make it worse. Criticism just digs a deeper hole.

The bottom line is, learn to accept your partner’s imperfections, appreciate the gifts he contributes and take responsibility for your own growth. It’s about changing your perception and attitude about him, not changing your man. Read this, slowly and clearly: YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. Now, read it again, slower this time: YOU. CAN. NOT. CHANGE. A. MAN. Even if he really, really, REALLY loves you. You get what you “accept” in a relationship. Period. Notice I didn’t say “expect.” What you permit, you promote.

The good news is that if a quality is changeable, you CAN inspire him to change. You can plant the seed of change. You can present the idea of an alternative behavior to him and encourage him to manifest it into change. If he trusts in your word and believes that you have his best interest at heart, not just your own, success will more likely be achieved.

Tristan Coopersmith, author of “MENu Dating” shares how you can inspire that change in your man:

1. Think about what he does right. Make a list of the things he does that you love. By doing so you will be in a love mindset so that you enter the conversation in a positive place.

2. Think about why you need more compliments… what that void actually is that you are missing. Think about how it makes you feel when you get them – be specific. Think about how it makes you feel when you don’t get them – be specific… you will need to share these later.

3. Think about how him giving more compliments can benefit him. Will it make him feel better about himself? Will it help him make friends? Will it help him be a better boss? Will it someday make him a good dad as it will inject his children with beautiful self-esteem? Remember that he will have to work to change and any type of work requires incentive.

lovingcouple4. Choose a good time and a good location. Don’t introduce the idea of change to your man when he is stressed out, after a long day, when he’s rushing off to hang with his friends or any other time where he isn’t relaxed and open to giving you his undivided attention. Grab him when he is in a good mood, too… and don’t make this talk feel threatening – present it as a positive opportunity to keep him from going into defense mode.

5. When you approach your man about this subject, use “I” statements and be vulnerable. Men like to be men… meaning they want to be needed and relied upon for small and large things so don’t be afraid to show him your dependent side – displaying your needs is healthy dependency!

6. Once you state your positive feeling, (for example: I feel appreciated when you tell me that I am important to you or I feel beautiful when you compliment my new outfits) follow it with your clearly stated need (for example: and I need to hear those things more often). Clarity is key for men. If they don’t get what you are saying, you will never get what you want.

7. Listen to what he has to say even if it isn’t what you want to hear, at first. Be understanding of his position.

8. Do not nag, beg or give ultimatums to get what you want… if needed, just restate what you did before. Sometimes men need a double dose of truth to grasp it. Be sure to stay calm, compassionate and vulnerable.

9. From then on when he compliments you, make a conscious effort to reward him by simply thanking him for the compliment and letting him know how good it makes you feel, or taking notice when he compliments others. This is your way of encouraging and supporting his change. Eventually his new behavior will become involuntary but at first it is a little like training a dog.

10. And remember change is about evolution… it is not an overnight process. Be patient and allow for fumbles.

“When he is comfortable, he is happy. It has nothing to do with how his woman feels about the relationship. Many of us like the comfort and easy feel of where we are in life. So, once you can accept that and see him for who he is, you can encourage him to change without bruising his ego. Men are little boys that had the misfortune of growing up. Many things about how we act and behave are nothing more than manifestations of our childhood.” ~ Bobby McFadden

No matter how much you love your man, there are always going to be things about him that drive you nuts. It will help if you become the love you wish to attract. As the woman, you have all the power to influence him and at the same time destroy him. Men tune out nagging voices. The reason the rift is there is because their mind works differently than yours, and that’s OK. Maybe I’m just saying: Be nice… never a nag. Choose your words carefully. Never highlight the mistakes more than the triumphs. Do your best to see him in a more positive light, and speak kindly to him. Accept him for who he is.

Let me make one point crystal clear, when I say, “Accept him for who he is,” that does not mean that you must accept any emotional or physical abuse… that is totally unacceptable! Everything else is only and always your choice.

BONUS Article: Change Your Perception, Not Your Man
She is Such a Nag!!!… AND What About Him?

lCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Making a Request vs. Nagging…

Filed under: Nagging — Larry James @ 2:00 pm

“Nagging women,” says BJ Gallagher, author of Women’s Work Is Never Done… and Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, “are verbally castrating their husbands, emasculating them and turning them into resentful or resigned wusses. Women who nag their children are destroying what fragile self-esteem they might have, leaving their kids a legacy of years on a therapist’s couch.”

NaagNagNag“Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point.” ~ Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal Columnist

Nagging is really about not listening to each other. Effective communication and active listening are skills that will help your marriage grow stronger and get rid of the ever anoying nagging. Men and women must learn to speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to each other.

Nagging hare easy to form and hard to break. Constantly nag your man and you will push him away. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule.

Remember to acknowledge good behavior by saying, “Thank you.”

Can nagging really harm your marriage? You bet it can! It can be a deal breaker! Nagging is highly toxic to a relationship.

When men don’t respond to requests, the women feels unheard.

Being micromanaged by a nagger is demoralizing.

All of us nag our partners now and then without ever realizing it.

Someone once said, “Women nag because guys don’t listen!” ZAP! I admit that is mostly true, and some men nag too. Nagging drives men nuts! “Yes dear…” works, but it doesn’t solve the problem.

Most men want to please their partner and to keep them happy. So, if that’s true, men need to listen better and when a request is made, acknowledge that the request has been hear, then stop what they are doing and complete the request. If men could learn to do what is requested the first time, the second or third request wouldn’t appear to be nagging.

Some women believe that it’s not really nagging to remind their partner to take out the trash, it’s a “friendly reminder.”

The nagging effect: It kills the joy of being together.

naggingWIFEGuys: If your wife is nagging you, she probably has something to tell you and you’re not listening, so she’s going to keep on telling you until you do.

Some say to ignore nagging. That only prolongs the effect of it. “Honey, if you could (fill in the blank), etc.”

Change how you ask or remind someone. Tone of voice goes a long way. Make eye con­tact, clearly state your request, and then thank him when it’s done. Nagging shows that you think the other person can’t remember.

EXAMPLES of Nagging: You’re having another piece of cake? When was the last time you exercised? Those cigarettes are going to kill you. Did you clean the basement yet?Sit up straight. That’s enough Doritos. Have you finished your homework? Are you sure? For once in your life, could you pick up your dirty socks? You’re leaving the house looking like that? Do you plan on taking that mountain of trash to the curb anytime this month?

Instead of saying “Are you ever going to mow the lawn?” say “Do you think you will be able to mow the grass this afternoon? I would really appreciate it”

Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., author of Divorce Busting recalls one client who couldn’t stand that her husband never closed his dresser drawers. “This woman had talked herself blue in the face about it. One day she stopped talking, and left a large note on top of the open drawer: ‘Shut me. Your wife gets annoyed when I’m open.’ Her husband laughed, shut the drawer, and finally began changing the habit.”

Personally, I work best from a list of things to do. I know. You gals are saying, “I should have to make a list! He should know when the garbage if full and need to be taken out!!” You’re right. You shouldn’t have to remind him, however if an occasional Post-It® note or a list works best… why not? Guys are wired differently. Face it, most of us need help. You could simply hand him the garbage and say, “Honey, would you take this out for me, please?”

Guys: Pay more attention to you partners wants and needs.

If a woman feels responded to she won’t need to keep bringing up the same issues over and over again. Rather than assigning blame — is it the husband’s fault for not cleaning the kitchen, or the wife’s for griping so much about it – start looking for more productive ways to communicate.

If you need professional help, get it. Realize and acknowledge that the situation is out of control, and talk with somebody about it.

BONUS Video: Marriage Nagging

BONUS Article: She is Such a Nag!!!… AND What About Him?
Do You Have Audioapathy?
Meet the Marriage Killer
Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
Tips for Getting Your Sweetheart to do Chores — Without Nagging

heartsunsetCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

She is Such a Nag!!!… AND What About Him?

Filed under: Nagging,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am
Tags: , ,

She sounds like a broken record and when she nags, everyone tunes her out. And she wonders why.

Do you know how some people nag their spouse to get something done? If something is time sensitive and needs to be done right away and there is no movement toward getting it done after the request is made, is it nagging to urge them on?

Nagging is often heard as criticism. It simply doesn’t work.

Guys. . . listen up!

If you want her to stop nagging. . . begin to participate more in the relationship. Women usually nag when you are not paying attention to her needs. Not good. Improving the lines of communication is a good place to begin.

Here are some of the words that sound like nagging: faultfinding, continually complaining, criticism, being catty, coaxing, demanding, berate, splitting hairs, being insistent, nit-picking, badger, being overcritical, pestering, and being pettish. I’m sure there are other words that fall into this category.

The reason she sounds like a nag and a broken-record is partly due to her lack of communication skills and because you are not participating fully in the relationship.

“Nagging takes the form of verbal reminders, requests, and pleas,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage and family therapist and author of several relationship books, including Getting Through to the Man you Love and The Sex-Starved Marriage. “You can say it in a number of different ways, but when you say it in a number of different ways over and over again, that constitutes nagging.”

Sure, you have a lot on your mind, but so does she. No excuses.

nagnagnag

Enough with the nagging already!!

What is your attitude about chores, picking up after yourself and the annoying habits that may offend your partner? Pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper. Never conveniently forget to take out the trash or garbage. Surprise her and run the vacumn. Put the toilet seat down (it’s a matter of respect). Follow through with promises to help with the household chores.

Give her the TV remote and watch something that she likes! A “chick flick” perhaps? Accept your responsibility in helping to create a home environment that triggers a nagging response in your partner. Then do something different to improve the situation.

What if there’s something at the root of her incessant complaining. Nagging is an awful way of communicating or asking for what she wants, but she may have a valid point.

Become a better listener. Listen for clues that may be an opportunity for you to fulfill a need that your partner has, than do something about it. Listen to what she is saying and see if you can address the issues that concern her most. If you ignore your partner’s requests or refuse to acknowledge that you heard what she said to you, if you want the nagging to stop, you must stop the behavior that triggers the nagging.

You are partners. Act like it!

Gals, listen up! It’s your turn. . .

“Harry, clean up your mess in the bathroom, wash the dishes, take out the trash, pick up your socks!” Nag, nag, nag! How long will it take for you to learn that asking for the same thing over and over again (believe it or not) just doesn’t work? Nagging doesn’t help the relationship. So, stop it!

The more you nag, the more your partner will avoid you or withdraw both emotionally and physically from you. Intimacy disappears. And when that happens, you nag some more. The more the nagger nags, the more isolated she becomes.

Most women deny they nag. They see themselves as reminding their partner to do the things that must be done: household chores, taking their medication, fixing broken things and picking up their mess – all the while thinking, “I shouldn’t have to tell him.” You’re right and there are better ways to ask your partner to do things around the house. Nagging causes resentful. It makes your spouse be defensive. Nagging is disrespectful. Your partner will become increasingly more defensive each time you ask for something.

Most women know they are being irritating, but they believe the way to get through to a man is by repeating, over and over, the same instructions until one day, they hopefully, sink in. Some men are dense. Instead of nagging, share how you feel when he doesn’t do something he promised. You might say, “When you don’t take out the trash, I FEEL (fill in the blank).

No one can argue with YOUR feelings. They can and they will lose the argument. And. . . most men don’t like to hear that their partner feels bad about something they did or did not do. That’s much better than saying, “You NEVER take out the trash. How many times do I have to tell you?” It might help if you begin treating him like an adult instead of a kid.

“Obviously, if a woman feels responded to she won’t need to keep bringing up the same issues,” says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., who is author of Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). “On the surface, it’s easy to assume that it’s all the nagee’s fault – if he responded better, nagging wouldn’t be happening.”

To sum it up. Nagging doesn’t work. Men everywhere put nagging at the top of the list of their pet peeves. Healthy relationships are based on mutual care-taking.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Authors & Speakers” BLOG at: http://authorsandspeakersnetwork.wordpress.com/

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: