Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Together… Until the Love Runs Out

Just Married… “It all started out perfectly. We were so in Love, but somewhere along the way the Love ran out!”

When you fall in love with someone, the infatuation you both experience is exhilarating. You are elated. Everything is just dandy. You are doing the happy dance! You both are sure this will all help hold the relationship together.

Life is good. AND then…

TillLoveRunsOutWhat you take for granted… disappears! You stop dating. Bad mistake. Those sexy lover’s talks turn into lover’s quarrels, then arguments or disagreements become more prevalent. Children are born (Hmmm, didn’t expect so many changes) – more responsibility. Effective communication is on a downward spiral. Differences in their personalities and opinions begin to surface. Resentments begin to build. There’s not much sexual intimacy anymore, if any. The relationship feels empty. You move progressively farther apart. You both begin to lose interest and then someone says the “D” word!

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.” – Ann Landers

He leaves his dirty underwear on the floor for her to pick up. She nags him to help her with the housework and he says, “Ill get to it later,” and never does. She begins to shut down. He knows she’s angry but when he asks her, “What’s the matter?” she gives him the silent treatment or walks away. Communication is by far the single biggest aspect that holds lovers together or tears them apart.

First of all, the Love doesn’t run out. It’s still there. We simply allow the fire for each other to go out. You must consistently fan the flames with Love and attention. Probably not on purpose, but when you stop working on the relationship and begin to take each other for granted, what would you expect? It takes work – the kind of work you do together – to keep the fire burning. It takes a lot of energy and commitment. Never lose sight of why you married your partner in the first place. Successful relationships do not work on autopilot.

Why do couples drift apart? Couples drift apart when they do not take time to talk and listen to each other. Ask him or her and the answer you usually get is that they’ve just drifted apart. It’s time to get rid of the drift word. Never allow yourselves to drift apart.

Holding on to what doesn’t work and being too darn stubborn to try to make it better serves no one and makes no sense. A stubborn person always thinks they are RIGHT. They are often into being right so deep that there seems to be no way out and sometimes that drift happens so slowly that they just don’t notice until it’s too late.

“Oh, no! I didn’t see that coming!” A comment like this usually comes from someone who was being complacent and was taking their partner for granted.

How does this happen? What makes people run away instead of holding on to each other, letting go of what doesn’t work and renewing their intention to allow the relationship to heal when tough times happen?

A twice-married woman summarized her attitude toward drifting in the following manner: “I think drifting describes so many people in this world, especially with so much external pressure and stimulation hitting us constantly. We deal with it all by not dealing with it at all. It certainly expresses what I do about so much that is difficult to face in my life.”

It’s time to reconnect! Here are only a few of the changes you should consider working on:

• focus on communicating better and more often
• become better listeners
• avoid blaming
• begin dating again – Make one night each week a date-night
• take responsibility for your actions and feelings
• spend more time together as a couple – Discover new activities you can enjoy together
• be more affectionate and considerate
• surprise each other with special things, not just on special days
• become partners in parenting
• respect each other’s differences
• find moments to connect with your partner many times every day
• support each other in extended family conflicts
• invent new ways to nurture your relationship
• journal your feelings in a private journal
• remember to say, “I love you” (out loud) to your partner at least once every day (more often is best!)
• place a priority on spending quality time together
• be proactive by creating a plan together
• overlook those small negative habits your partner has that get under your skin – Focus on what you Love about them
• seek professional coaching

Now begins the restoration of your marriage and the path to reconnection! Prevent yourselves from drifting apart by making your marriage a top priority. Growing together as a couple is an essential component in any happy marriage. Are you willing to change?

“We can do no great things; only small things with great love.” ~ Mother Teresa

BONUS Articles: 12 Real Reasons Why Couples Drift Apart Over Time
“How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways…,”
Back to the Future
Reasons Why
The Do’s and Don’ts – When Your Partner Becomes Distant

broken-heartCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Halfway to Each Other…

Filed under: Coaching,Communication,Making Up — Larry James @ 7:00 am

“I’m really scared,” she said, “I’m so afraid the relationship is over.” She began to cry. “I feel like we’ve both waited too long before either of us were brave enough to ask for help.”

If this has happened to you or someone close to you, you are not alone.

The first words out of my mouth to her as her coaching session began was: “It’s never too late if you still love each other because there is a path that leads to halfway to each other however you both must be on the same path for you to complete the journey together!”

So many couples wait until they almost get to the end before they ask for help. The sad truth is, the biggest percentage of couples never ask for help because they give up and break up rather than make up.

Another truth about a relationship break-up is that in almost every case, one partner has secretly been “thinking” about leaving the relationship for a long time – perhaps a year or more – and the other partner is surprised when they finally break the news that they are leaving. Surprised? Yes, surprised. There are always clues that one partner or the other is unhappy in the relationship however they most often are too blind (or resentful – or angry) to see the clues. By then, it usually is too late to do anything to patch things up.

If you are unhappy in your relationship and have considered leaving… it’s time to reach out to someone who can help and to communicate.

Remember what it was like when you first got together? You talked about anything and everything and agreed on most things too.

“But I can’t talk to her/him. She/he won’t listen. Every time I try to talk with her/him, we begin to fight. It’s so hopeless.”

It takes learning how to communicate with your partner on a deeper level. While it’s true that to work together, you must communicate, there needs to be agreement for each of you to do your best to work it out together.

“All couples should learn the art of conflict as they should learn the art of making love. Good conflict is objective and honest – never vicious or cruel. Good conflict is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.” ~ Ann Landers

There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. Some conflicts are small. Others are colossal and difficult to manage. How you resolve the conflict, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

Constant conflict can wear you down. It can destroy your self esteem. It is not unusual for people to be afraid about seeking counseling. This can be for lots of reasons. Many people’s culture or upbringing tells them that they should be able to handle their problems on their own, or that talking with a counselor is shameful. There is no shame is seeking help.

Don’t wait. If you do, little resentments then started to creep their way in and will always grow bigger. The longer you wait… the more difficult it is to get the process of communication started.

It takes courage to tell a third party – a coach, therapist, etc. – that you’ve lost that loving feeling AND if you love each other and choose to stay together… you must. The coaches goal is to help you.

Wouldn’t it feel great to have someone listen to you, and only you, without distractions, interruptions, and without judgment? Not only is it okay to see a relationship coach, it is a sign of strength and self-respect. You must take the first step while you are still afraid. After taking that final step, the fear is often replaced by a great sense of relief, comfort and well-being. Coaching allows you to clarify your needs without the blame, flame and shame experiences that block your communications with each other.

A final thought: I spoke recently with a man who told me that he and his wife had been to several different therapists, coaches and none of them worked. I asked him if he or his wife changed any of their behavior after seeing the therapists. He hesitated and said, “I guess not.” Be clear, you don’t go to a coach or therapist to have them fix you. They cannot do that. That is not their job. YOU have to do the work. Everyone has personal resources that are as yet untapped. A good coach can help you discover what those resources are and show you how to use them together for your best advantage.

A major shift in your behavior with each other is required for anything to be different.

BONUS Articles: Communicating is Not Optional
…And If All Else Fails?

Larry’s Note: A special “Thank you!” to Susan Pohlman for allowing me to use the title of her book as the title to this article!

susanpohlman

Click book cover for info!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Friday, December 2, 2011

On What Street do You Live?

Filed under: Breaking Up,Coaching,Communication,Making Up,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Wouldn’t it be great if we all lived on “Love Street” and we would all make expressing Love to our partners and those around us the highest priority in our lives?

If the relationship you are in doesn’t feel like there is a lot of love showing up, it’s time to begin demonstrating a higher commitment to finding that love again.

LoveStreetSIGN“Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship; you’ll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.” ~ Hara Estroff Marano, Editor at Large of Psychology Today

Every relationship is different. Everyone has their ups and downs. It is important to work on your relationship every single day. If you can’t make it work – even though you both agree that you want to work together to make it work – it would be wise to get outside help. If you take the easy way out and split up, as Hara said, “You’ll only repeat it [the same problem] with the next partner.”

I’ve been a relationship coach since 1994 and I can confirm that problems to not go away by themselves and unless you fix the problem instead of running away… you WILL repeat it with your next partner.

Part of the problem is that we cannot possibly accept that we may be part (or even the cause) of the problem. We hold on to being right about our position and as a result everything collapses around us. We either run away, still blaming our partner, or stay together and hope everything works out and continue to remain on “Miserable Street” all the time knowing that it won’t work out. That’s sad.

I am also an award winning Wedding Officiant. Every couple that I marry receives a “Relationship Coaching Certificate” after the wedding. It’s good for one hour of free relationship coaching at anytime in the future (no expiration) should issues arise that the couple can’t seem to work out together. Although the largest percentage of these couples remain together, I am amazed when I hear that a couple is no longer together and they didn’t at least call to try to work it out.

coupleinloveIf you are running away from a relationship where there was once a lot of love, you are a coward if you don’t at least seek to understand what caused the problem and agree to work on it together or with a relationship coach. Part of the problem is that often we feel hopeless – that there is no use trying – because instead of heeding the warning signs (and there are ALWAYS warning signs) we wait until it’s too late and both partners give up.

We think that it will be different (or better) with someone else. Believe me, you must fix the problem or it won’t go away – even if you do end up with someone else.

Always keep your relationship on the front burner. Make it your top priority. When problems arise don’t wait! If something annoys you more than once or twice you owe it to your relationship to talk about about it as soon as possible. When we allow issues to marinate things always get worse. Not speaking up when they arise allows time to dredge up all the other stuff that we may be unhappy about and when we finally do say something – KaBOOM! – it’s World War III. Often it’s too late! If you threaten to break up with each other after every fight or argument, you will never really resolve anything.

Don’t wait. In the most loving way, express what is going on. Hold your temper. Don’t speak blame. Talk about the real issue. Take responsibility for your share of the problem. Problems are seldom only one persons fault. Settle disputes peacefully. Apologize, forgive, and make up with each other. Take breaking up off the table. Never be afraid to say, “I’m sorry!” Learn to communicate about anything and everything all the time. Re-establish trust. Romance is essential to all relationships. Love each other. Make plans to have fun together! Never give up!

i-m-sorryThere will be times when you are less aware of your loving feelings, more into your own interests, perhaps things have even become a little selfish and routine. Notice when this happens. Those are the times to remember all the wonderful things you have done together, and still want to do. Remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities he or she possesses that made you fall in love in the first place. Remember, your wants and needs are just as important as your partners. If you give nothing of yourself, then you’ll get nothing in return. Never stop doing the things that brought you together in the first place.

Always remember the Golden Rule! Doing the right things will help your relationship move to “Love Street!”

BONUS Article: Does Your Relationship Need a Wake-up Call?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Thursday, September 29, 2011

How to Prevent “Crash and Burn!”

Filed under: Breaking Up,Making Up,Relationship Books — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Is your relationship on thin ice? Learning more about how to make relationships work might be a good idea!

break-upA good way to do that is attending relationship seminars and reading good relationship books. Doing so may may prevent your relationship from crashing and burning. A serious relationship takes major work and commitment.

Love is never enough. It takes working together and doing the things of healthy relationships. You can have all the love you want, but if you don’t have respect, trust and communication, you don’t have anything.

Perhaps a crash-course might be the answer. Books only work if you learn from them and then do the work! It’s best not to wait until it’s too late.

If you are feeling a disconnect from your partner, that’s when you need to take action. Here is what often happens. One partner is not happy with the way things are going in the relationship but fails to communicate those feelings to their partner and does nothing. The partner doesn’t have a clue but the other partner begins to seriously think that maybe this isn’t working out. Six months or more later, the partner who failed to communicate expresses a desire to leave and the other partner is shocked. However the other partner has had a six month head start to think, plan and decide to leave. This scenario is common. I have heard it numerous times in my coaching sessions. That’s what I mean when I say don’t wait until it’s too late.

It’s time to wake up. . . NOW. . . not break up! Don’t let your relationship fizzle.

For a list of 4 of Larry’s books, click here. The top 3 are about personal relationships and the last one is about business relationships.

heart47CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Fun of Making Up After a Disagreement

Filed under: Arguments,Making Up — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Making up is fun to do!

If you are married or in a committed relationship, it is normal to have your ups and downs. Spats do occur. Going silent does not work. It might be wise to walk away – to think about what happened – for awhile, but if you really love each other and continue the “silent treatment” you are sure to drive the wedge deeper. The longer you wait to make up, the more difficult it will be. Couples who stay together for the long haul usually figure out ways to fight fair and to have making up be an adventure in positive re-bonding.

arguingcoupleCall for a “time out” rather than distancing or withdrawing from the relationship. Design an agreement that puts a time-limit of the time out with a promise to come back after a brief break – 20 to 30 minutes max – to talk about it. That is an important step. Next, make sure to talk calmly and listen to each other so you can try not to let it happen again.

If your relationship is off track, the cost of complacency is obviously substantial. Go first. Your relationship priorities are clear now, right? Go first and do what’s right! It will make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your life work better and you will be closer to your heart’s desire; a healthy love relationship. This will help inoculate your relationship against a relapse.

Not sure how your partner will react if you go first? You must take the first step while you are still afraid. Let go of being “right” is the first step in the right direction. Holding on to being right in a disagreement is the surest way to keep it going. If you’re holding out for an apology, and your partner isn’t giving it, consider openly forgiving them anyway. Forgiveness will set YOU free.

Always remember, “When one door closes, another one opens.” But you’ll never see it if you keep looking at the closed door.

First, get your own head on straight. Know that moving forward with each other in a loving way is the goal.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~ Leo Buscaglia, 1924 – 1998

Someone once said, “Today’s darkness can fall into the dawn of love’s light when you are patient, understanding and forgiving.” Once you forgive and after the “I’m sorry” to each other it’s time to get back to the business of love and romance!

togetheragainFor making up to be a fun time, you have to become vulnerable – let your hair down (so to speak) – and allow each other to enjoy each other again. Let go of any resentments you may have about the disagreement that got you to this point and get on with your relationship. Here are a few ideas.

Dress up and schedule a quiet dinner to celebrate the love that you have for each other. Surprise her with flowers. Give him and “I love you” card. Focus on each other. Listen to each other. Respectfully communicate with each other. Pay attention to the words your partner is saying. Do things that show that you care. Plan at least one date night each week. Plan a visit to a comedy club and have some laughs. Be kind to each other. Give each other coupons to redeem – maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub. Cuddle. Do spoons!

Once each day give each other a juicy kiss – not just a peck on the cheek. Go dancing in the rain. Put your love into words. Write a love note to express the joy you feel just to be with him/her. Be more spontaneous – do things together on the spur-of-the-moment. If that feels uncomfortable. . . let go and do it anyway. Think of something your partner enjoys and loves to do and make it happen. Do whatever it takes to demonstrate the love you have for one another.

Guys: Go with her to a chick-flick.

Gals: Go with him to an action/adventure movie of his choice or a sporting event. (Focus on just being with him. Watch how much more he enjoys the fact that you are with him).

Use your imagination to make making up fun! Focus on FUN!

“When we take the pressure off and let FUN spontaneously arise, drawing on our own innate creativity skills to bring new and different energy to our relationships, our spirit awakens. Get wild, play and unleash!” ~ Lynn Zavaro

Before you hit the sack. . . always remember to say, “I love you” (out loud!).

noarguingCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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