Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Learning to Love the One You’re With!

Filed under: For Singles Only,Loneliness,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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If you have recently come out of a relationship, heed this word of caution. It may be wise to distance yourself from relationships for a while. Take a breather. The tendency of new singles often is quickly to find someone else to be with. Most ministers and mental health professionals agree that that is not a good idea. It is a colossal mistake!

For some people being in a relationship becomes their “drug of choice.” They skip around from relationship to relationship. Some get stuck. They feel as though they always have to be in a relationship. They develop the dependency of “needing” a relationship. That is not healthy. Some people allow their feelings of insecurity about being alone to keep them stuck, often in an unhealthy relationship.

LoveThe1YoureWithOur former relationships never cease to provide us with new and exciting questions, the answers to which can lead to the breakthrough necessary for a healthy love relationship in the future. The rewards of personal inquiry are invaluable and can assist us greatly in being ready for another relationship when the time is right.

I believe that every relationship we are in serves a definite purpose. It fulfills a need for us as we fulfill needs for someone else. Remember, we should only look back to see how far we’ve come or to see how much we’ve learned. We can look at our past love relationships and focus on the good we learned from them. I must admit that at times this may be difficult.

Spend time working on you. Work on developing your own self as an individual. The one you are with is you! Reinvent a relationship with yourself. Make it a new and exciting relationship; one you can be proud to carry over into your next relationship with someone else. Nobody wants damaged goods.

Allow time for the healing that is necessary for you to feel comfortable with being alone. That is the only way you can learn how to really be with someone else in the future. After coming out of a love relationship, it is normal to feel rather insecure for a while.

It takes a while to adjust to your new beginning. The delayed gratification is worth it. One of the rewards is discovering that the more time you take for yourself, the more love you will have to give to your future love partner.

Choose to be alone for awhile. Being independent enough to be alone is a virtue. Cultivate it. When you can learn to be comfortable with being with yourself, then you may be getting closer to being ready for a healthy love relationship with someone else. During this time of aloneness you will discover a clear distinction between being lonely and being alone.

Being alone can help you in getting comfortable about being with yourself. When you are comfortable about being with yourself, your feelings of loneliness will gradually disappear. Spend some time learning to be good company with yourself.

Avoid the self-created fear of being alone. Accept that we do this to ourselves. It can bring no good into our lives. We allow fear to cause us to withhold ourselves from others. Fear breeds insecurities.

It could be said, for example purposes, that even Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was insecure. He would swing from vine to vine, not letting go until the next vine was safely in hand. Does this sound familiar? This may make sense when you are in the jungle. When you are swinging high above the ground, your life depends on it.

Your life does not depend, however, on always being in a relationship. The need to be always swinging from one love partner to another is not in your best interest. If you are coming from a love relationship, the last thing you need is another one. . . right away, that is. In this scenario, there is no safety in numbers.

We are so afraid of finding ourselves hanging in midair, we latch onto the first available vine that happens along. Not a good idea!

Leap into your greatest fear. . . be by yourself for a while. Take a good look at what “hanging in midair” feels like. You may be surprised! You will be okay. It won’t be the end of the world. Although it may feel like it, that feeling won’t last forever.

womaninmirrorIf you haven’t caught on by now. . . the one you’re with is the one you see in the mirror every morning.

It is wise to practice intimacy with “self” during your abstinence from relationships. Pray to know God better. Thank him for the courage to get serious about the relationship you have with you. Get to know God. Get to know you. Give yourself the gift of solitude. When you are alone. . . journal. Get in touch with your true feelings. Work on falling in love with yourself for a change and see how great that feels! Be your own significant other. Practice the art of loving you. Take the precious time out that is necessary to rediscover who you are without a love partner.

maninmirrorYou must first learn to be alone and happy before you can be together and happy. Learn that it is possible for you to live alone and not be lonely. Discover how to be self-sufficient. Don’t be dependent on others for your own existence.

Know that when you eventually do connect with someone you can love, your happiness will be enhanced by just knowing that being in the relationship is your choice and not something you need or must have to survive. To have found someone you can share your life with is one of love’s ultimate adventures.

Not having a relationship doesn’t keep you all warm and cuddly at night; however, getting yourself ready for a really great love relationship must be your highest priority. Be true to yourself first, it is well worth the wait.

Being alone may call up all the feelings you were afraid you would have if you were ever alone. . . and some you could have never imagined. The pain seems to go on and on, though only if you allow it. Healing takes time. Stay with solitude. Don’t be tempted.

At the end of your tunnel is love-of-self and the healing love that only God can provide. You must attain this awareness before you can be in a healthy love relationship with someone else. In times like these, when you are alone with your feelings, life can feel empty.

You can gain much insight into the power of your attitudes in the stillness of looking inward. Your body believes every word you say. Your words and thoughts govern how you feel today and how you will feel tomorrow. A quiet and peaceful mind takes form as a quiet and peaceful body. Peace, be still.

See what it feels like to walk hand-in-hand with yourself. You must first do that before you can walk hand-in-hand with someone else. Give yourself permission to do what may feel risky. Discover new ways of thinking and being. To allow intimacy to be present in a relationship with another, you must first seek intimacy with yourself.

Some of our clearest thinking about relationships can occur when we are not in a relationship. Our mind is often sharper when informed by our own feelings. We are more humble and acutely more in touch with the hurts of the past. We are far more open to new ideas.

Take advantage of this opportunity to learn all you can about yourself and what makes a healthy love relationship. It is in the search for what it takes to have a healthy love relationship that we become more receptive to listening for new ways to make our relationships work better in the future. The very process of searching opens up many new options.

Make having a relationship with yourself your number one priority. Then, and only then, can you move on to what’s next!

BONUS Articles: The 3 BIGGEST Mistakes Newly Singles Make and How to Avoid Them!
You CAN Be Alone and Not Be Lonely…

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Friday, November 4, 2011

Can You be Alone and Not be Lonely?

Filed under: Loneliness,Relationships,Self-Image — Larry James @ 9:00 am

The answer is YES although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. It has been my experience that mostly people who are bored with who they are will say, “No.”

The_lonely_girl_by_I_am_the_Night_AngelLonely? You’re not alone. There is no shame in singlehood. Being lonely often feels like being abandoned, unloved and even rejected by the world at large. People are particularly prone to loneliness when they’re making transitions, e.g., from marriage, the death of a loved one or in a relationship to being single again.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely unless we allow ourselves to feel that way most of the time. Loneliness can be made more intense by what you tell yourself it means. It is a very real feeling. If we continue to always feel that way, then we need to work on being comfortable with being with the one we are with. . . ourselves!

“We must know that loneliness does not arise out of isolation from others. It is when we are isolated from ourselves that loneliness makes its presence felt. It is the distracted and fragmentary life that we live that makes us feel lonely and prevents us from living in the present moment; because when we are feeling lonely, our mind is crowded with internal dialogues, memories of the past and apprehensions about the future.” ~ Nazia Mallick

So, how do you get out of this rut? Don’t sit around by yourself. Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people. The last thing you want to do is build a wall around yourself and become totally isolated from others. Explore new activities and hobbies, ride your bike, go to the park – lean against a tree and read a book, visit a museum, go to the theater (by yourself), meditate, hang around positive people, get some relationship coaching.

lonelyStart a journal. Not a diary, but a journal. Keep busy. Never wallow in self-pity or your loneliness. Learn to be happy with yourself and to enjoy solitary activities. When you love yourself it shows. People like to be around upbeat confident people. Don’t overwhelm others with your own problems. Look to the future. There is no future in the past! Stay away from bars. Don’t overindulge in alcohol and non-prescribed medication.

Do everything you can – even when you don’t feel like it – to get involved in anything where you will interact with other people. We’re talking “social” relationships. This is what I call beginning to build a bridge to the future. Look for activities that interest you, that involve groups of people, like sports, book clubs, church groups, political campaigns, concerts, art exhibitions, etc.

Second, (key point – pay attention) – avoid getting involved in another relationship. That is the biggest mistake that newly singles make. Resist the urge to follow friends advice who attempt to “fix you up” with their friends. That’s the wrong path to go down. No one is going to swoop in and rescue you. That alone is your choice to do the rescuing.

lonelymanVolunteer. Find someone who needs help: tutoring, babysitting, house painting, car washing, gardening, cleaning, etc. When you help others it help improve your attitude and more. You think you’re down and out? Volunteer to serve food at a homeless shelter.

“Silence can be an amazing thing. It teaches you how to truly listen. It teaches you to pay attention to what’s going on inside of you. Get in touch with yourself so that you can make conscious decisions rather than simply react to emotions. Appreciate the time you have to yourself.” ~ Denni Gill

On the other hand – having said, stay busy… you also need some alone time to re-evaluate what just happened and learn from “your” mistakes. While it’s true that loneliness is much more than an inconvenience, it can also be the best thing that every happens to you. It will get your attention and snap you back to reality. Being alone is an opportunity for reflection, self-discovery, and self-growth. It’s a time when you can learn to take care of your own emotional needs.

Work on you! Get to know you again. Take an inventory of your past relationship behavior. Don’t just concentrate on what you did wrong, also consider the things you did right. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and forgive your partner too. How can you love yourself, if you don’t spend some time alone to get to know you better?

“Don’t wait for your feelings to get you going – get going and good feelings will eventually catch up with you.” ~ Author Unknown

Want more love. Love yourself. Be more loveable. You have to give away what you wish to receive. You cannot deliver from an empty basket.

Use your alone time to enjoy yourself rather than just existing until you’re in your next relationship. There is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. My experience as relationship coach has taught me that when you can be alone and not feel lonely… that is usually when love will find you. So… there is hope!

BONUS Articles: Learning to Love the One You’re With!
New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
How Do You Work On You?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

You CAN Be Alone and Not Be Lonely. . .

Filed under: For Singles Only,Loneliness,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

lonelygirl2It’s important to learn that it is possible for you to live alone and not be lonely. As a single, it is easy to lose track of yourself because you have those moments where you drift back into being alone and being lonely. Often married couples feel lonely too – even when they are with their partner. When you really love yourself, those moments happen less frequently. When you can be alone and not be lonely, that’s when love will find you.

“Start today – right now – the practice of living alone within yourself. If you persist with this kind of watchfulness, then one day the word ‘alone’ won’t frighten you anymore, and here’s why: there will be no more dark thoughts left within your psychic system to talk to you about how lonely you feel.” ~ Guy Finley

Loneliness is a reality of choice.

Our reality of choice is created by our intentions and what we think and do with our intentions. Each moment you choose the intentions that will shape your future experience. What we pay attention to, we get more of. We are only lonely because we allow ourselves to feel that way. It’s a state of mind. One that is nearly impossible to overcome as long as you continue to concentrate upon it.

lonelygirlLoneliness often comes from being bored with being with ourselves. There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely unless we allow ourselves to feel that way most of the time. It is a very real feeling. If we continue to always feel that way, then we need to work on being comfortable with being with the one we are with. . . ourselves!

Almost everyone feels lonely on occasion, however most people, given the choice, would much rather not feel that way. When you can be alone and not be lonely, then you can move on to what’s next.

All you have is choice. It is your greatest gift!

BONUS Articles for Singles:Learning to Love the One You’re With!
The 3 BIGGEST Mistakes Newly Singles Make and How to Avoid Them!
How Do You Work On You?
New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
LoveNote for Singles Only!

If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching for specific details.

Choose NOT to be a lonely heart!

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s Wedding Website and from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Authors & Speakers” BLOG at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

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