Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Cyber Cheating = Emotional Infidelity!

Filed under: Cyber Cheating,Infidelity,Relationships,Trust — Larry James @ 8:00 am

Is cyber-cheating wrong?

In a word… YES!

“But,” you say, “it’s not cheating if there’s no touching.” So… tell your partner that and see what they say!

The Internet is the new frontier of infidelity, and apparently it’s a confusing place because men and women don’t agree on what constitutes cyber straying. The line between being a cheat and just being cheeky has been blurred by the release of a new book, which claims that emotional infidelity is just as destructive to a relationship as physical cheating.

In “Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship,” author M. Gary Neuman, delves into the destructive patterns of modern day relationships, and he rubbishes the perception that it’s okay to look, as long as you don’t touch.

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For info, click book cover!

And, according to relationship experts, the internet is a dangerous seductress. Social networking sites like Facebook, are the biggest culprits in instigating these “emotional affairs,” or “cyber cheating.” They allow you to contact old friends, lovers or people you’ve never even met before and the seemingly innocent exchange of personal details, messages, chat and photographs, can apparently be enough to spark an intimate relationship.

In a poll conducted by womansavers.com, over 63 per cent of women felt that online emotional affairs constituted infidelity and 70 per cent of them believe that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs.

Particularly in these hard times, a lot of conflict can exist between a couple, regularly arguing about debt, bills, child-care, and other every-day conflicts. Whether a person has any inclination to cheat or not, carrying on a conflict-free conversation with someone with whom you have no ties can be far more attractive than conversing with someone that lives with you in the real world.

It might sound a bit harsh to describe a harmless chat with a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that’s your bag) as cheating, but Neuman maintains that, “when you start to invest your emotional energy in opposite-sex friends – instead of focusing on your spouse – you are being unfaithful to your marriage”.

The internet allows you to live out your fantasies. You can do and say what you are afraid to do and say in real face-to-face encounters. Sending sexually suggestive photographs and engaging in sexually inappropriate conversations is cheating in my opinion. This sort of behavior can destroy your relationship. Cyber-cheating is a gateway drug. It can lead to other things. Deceptively going behind your partner’s back to send and receive sexually arousing photographs and taking part in sexually inappropriate conversations qualifies as cheating. Pathetically promiscuous actions online is wrong.

cheatingTo me, the best way to deal with suspicions of infidelity – online or off – is to talk with your partner about it. If you don’t have communication in your relationship – the ability to approach each other openly, honestly, and safely then talk about concerns and issues like these – then you probably don’t have much of a foundation for a “healthy” relationship to begin with. If your partner is cyber-cheating, there’s obviously a problem with the marriage or relationship. I suggest that you get help.

Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship. Consent and concealment are at the core of the issue of cyber-cheating; and at the core of matters of consent and concealment is a fundamental matter of trust. Couples need to spend more time “together.” If you devote what little free time you do have to cyber flirting, what’s left for your partner?

When it comes right down to it – anything that you do online that you would not want your partner to find out is wrong. Call it whatever you want… it’s wrong! The bottom line, if you are flirting with someone online behind your partner’s back, you are being deceptive. If you are honest about your online hanky-panky, and your partner is uncomfortable, insecure or outright hurt by it, maybe you should stop. Although it may seem harmless, flirting via e-mail and online messaging can be very destructive to a relationship. It can be considered a betrayal. The very fact that a partner feels the need to have regular contact with someone else in an enticing manner is totally inappropriate.

The defining question is this: Would you want your partner to know?

BONUS Article: Emotional Infidelity: Top 10 Signs of Cyber Cheating
Emotional Infidelity: Signs You Have Crossed the Line

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Friday, July 17, 2009

How To Recognize And Deal With An Emotional Affair

Filed under: Coaching,Infidelity — Larry James @ 12:01 am
Tags: , , ,

This short video highlights some important insights into emotional affairs and warns us to beware because emotional affairs invariably don’t stop there. So often they’re the pre-curser to physical affairs.

If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to: http://www.celebratelove.com/relationshipcoaching.htm

Read, “Can You Survive the Emotional Crash of an Affair?”

Read, “My Partner Cheat? Never! 29 Red Flags That ‘May’ Suggest a Cheater.”

Never give up. Moses was once a basket case too. 😉

Your comments are always welcome!

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
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Friday, June 26, 2009

Can You Survive the Emotional Crash of an Affair?

There is a lot in the media lately about infidelity. Especially regarding Governor Mark Sanford from South Carolina.

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I was interviewed on KTVK – News Channel 3 by Tara Hitchcock about surviving an affair on Good Morning Arizona on Thursday, June 25, 2009.

Here are more of my thoughts about cheating on your partner.

Having sex with someone other than your marriage partner is the distinguishing factor that makes an affair a betrayal. Cheating, i.e., going out with someone without sex when you are supposedly in a committed relationship is also a betrayal. A betrayal of the heart is devasting. The secrecy of an affair makes honesty impossible.

An affair is often only the tip of the iceberg. There are usually problems below the surface that you must be committed to work on together. It’s a complex and painful situation to be in. If there is a desire for both love partners to move through it, you must work together to resolve the anguish of betrayal, to rebuild trust, to agree to change problematic behavioral patterns and to discover together the real issues that caused the affair in the first place. Each love partner must agree to openly discuss the deep-seated and potentially explosive issues that are a result of affairs.

Surviving the emotional crash of an affair IS possible!

In the book, “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful (HarperCollins) by Janis Abrahms Spring & Michael Spring, Janis says: “Trust CAN be restored and the relationship saved if 3 things exsist: #1. Unfaithful partners have to be able to experience compassion for the harm they have caused and be able to feel remorse and apologize; #2. Unfaithful partners have to be able to look honestly and deeply into themselves and understand WHY they strayed; #3. Unfaithful partners have to be willing to do the work necessary to EARN back trust (and be patient with their partner while they do).”

The betrayed partner has to be willing to forgive! If you think you cannot forgive, then recovery may not be possible! To not forgive is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn’t do to you) and expecting them to die.

By the way, there is nothing that cannot be forgiven. Why? Because you always have choice. Read: Forgiveness… What’s it For?

Learning to trust again takes time; lots of time, perhaps months and even years. Talking with their partner about the affair when the need to talk surfaces is another important factor of healing the relationship. Their partner must learn to listen and offer whatever support their partner needs without becoming defensive or angry. The guilty partner needs to know that patience is a virtue that must be practiced for the relationship to heal.

Effective communication is a requirement of a healthy, wholesome, happy and successful relationship! There is no other way.

Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship! There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

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When you are getting your needs met in your own relationship, most people agree that you are seldom tempted to look elsewhere!

The 3 most primary needs for a woman are affection, understanding and, most of all, r-e-s-p-e-c-t. The 3 most primary needs for a man are appreciation, acceptance and trust. There are many other needs that are important, however when you are not getting your needs met, some people go where they can. This is never a good idea while you are still in the relationship!

An affair doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. In fact, if both love partners are willing to work hard, an affair can bring problems that were lurking in the depths of the relationship up to the surface for the purpose of healing. It can also be the means for drawing the couple closer together.

For the relationship to go forward, however, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. Just because your love partner is no longer cheating doesn’t mean the problem has disappeared. If they want another chance, they must immediately break off all contact and communication with the other person; no phone calls, no letters, no e-mail, no texting, no Twitters, nothing! They also needs to explore, both in their own mind and in discussions with each other, what was the cause of the affair.

“I don’t know!” is never a good answer. Saying “I don’t know!” stops the inquiry!

The betrayed one needs to know two things: (1) what caused the affair, and (2) what assurance they have that it will never happen again! Although the one betrayed may think they need to know all the details, they don’t. This is never a good idea! That would only cause deeper feelings of hurt and cause the space between them to widen.

By the way, an affair is seldom, if ever, only one partner’s fault. Always remember, relationship problems are shared problems. Each partner must take their share of the responsibility for what happened and promise to work together to make the relationship work.

If the betrayed love partner really loves the other and is willing to work through the pain of a changing relationship, the other partner hopefully will thank their lucky stars that their partner is willing to give them another chance and must work their butt off to earn forgiveness, respect and trust that the relationship must have to survive. Both partners need to set new goals for your relationship and develop new ways to create intimacy.

Your comments are always welcome!

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Authors and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

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