Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Sunday, October 20, 2013

We All Have Regrets!

Filed under: "I'm sorry!",Regrets — Larry James @ 8:30 am
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Regrets… I’ve had a few. ~ Frank Sinatra

While watching “Dancing With the Stars” – and while I often say I have no regrets about my life – I suddenly realized that I do have a regret… I regret that I never took the time to take dancing lessons with my former wife. She loved to dance. I never thought that I danced very well. Dancing lessons may have kept us together… or not. Anyway, I’ve forgiven myself for that. And I still remember.

Age and regret have a close relationship. As we get older, we tend to rack up regrets and think about what we might have done differently. A severe case of the regrets, that is, feeling overwhelmed by the coulda-shoulda-woulda of life – not only robs us of energy and imprisons us in the past, it can also make us sick, depressed or worse. Please don’t allow regret to ruin you health and your life. Continuing to live with regrets really sucks!

regretsI’m certain that most people have regrets. There is no such thing as a life without any regrets. The burdens of the past can keep you stuck. Something that goes with regret is often guilt. Those who say they don’t might need to dig a little deeper. Regret can have a powerful hold on us. Regret is not something that most of us dwell on, however, we all pretty much have things that we might have done differently, especially from their younger years. Regret causes us to become older than we are because of worry, stress and anxiety. It inhibits our personal growth.

I took a brief survey of a few of my friends and the reasons for regret seemed to fall under the following regrets:

1. I regret that I started smoking – One third of those who say their partner smokes admit they regret choosing to be in a relationship with someone with a cigarette habit.
2. I regret not focusing my having better health
3. I regret losing touch with friends
4. I regret drinking too much and too often
5. I regret marrying too young

What is your regret? How would your life have been different if you’d made another choice?

“Let me break it down: Something happens. You react, you make a choice, you take an action. Then time passes. And you think about what happened. You analyze it, obsess over it, and talk ad nauseam about it with your friends. You continue to gather more information and knowledge. Then you take all this awareness and information that you have NOW, and beat yourself up because you did not know it THEN. It is totally unfair and unreasonable to take what you know now and use it to beat yourself up for what you didn’t know then.” ~ Christine Hassler

We’ve all made some pretty awful mistakes! You’re not alone. Some of our regrets may be secrets that we have never told anyone else. It is not wise to live with those regrets. You can change some of the reasons, others no. Some are missed opportunities that don’t give us second chances. Actions can be taken to ease the feeling of regret.

No-More-Regrets-cover-small_border

Click book cover for info!

“As human beings we tend to avoid pain whenever we can, and thinking back to missed opportunities and bad choices is a pain most of us simply don’t want to deal with. When we regret things, we acknowledge that we’ve screwed up, that we’ve either damaged something beyond repair or missed an opportunity that will never come again. And so we feel like crap, and many times we try to find something to numb the agony, like food, or TV, or web surfing – or tragically, by hating ourselves for our choices and feeling paralyzed by the pain. But coping by distracting yourself isn’t coping at all – and in fact will only open the door to more choices that will give birth to more regret.” ~ Dave Navarro

First of all, I suggest that we need to make peace with ourselves. Admit what you didn’t do, what you lost, or what you got that you no longer want. Stop obsessing about it. If you pretend you’re not truly upset, you’ll never get past it. The key to getting over regret is learning how to release yourself from its grip. I believe that self-forgiveness is the key. You can apologize for any harm you may have caused others if they are still in your life. Otherwise, forgive yourself. When you can forgive you will finally understand that anything you’ve done is totally forgivable, even though it may seem unforgivable to you. True forgiveness must come from the heart, and this can only happen if the heart is ready to forgive. Having compassion for your old self who made the decision is another way to move past regret.

“Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” ~ Marsha Petrie Sue

The next step is to stop revisiting the regrets of your past. Liberation from regret is 100% possible! I would suggest that learning from the experience will help you let go of the regret once and for all, and “you” must make sure you never do what caused the regret again. Regret feels awful and feeling awful does not support the co-creation of an awesome life. Once you forgive… it’s time to simply let go and move on.

BONUS Articles: Forgiveness… What’s it For?
The Secret of Letting Go

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Monday, August 5, 2013

Married of Not, You Should Read This…

Filed under: "I'm sorry!",Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

WhatWouldYouDoI avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; “don’t tell our son about the divorce.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this.

It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, “all my dresses have grown bigger.” I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

lovingmemoryBut her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.” I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?,” she said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said, “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.” Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us part.”

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed… DEAD! My wife had been fighting cancer for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son – I’m a loving husband.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s best friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. If you are not in a relationship now, remember this for the second (or third) time around. It’s never too late.

Larry’s NOTE: The author to this piece is unknown. It was sent to me from a Facebook friend. Thanks, friend!

BONUS Article: Never Intentionally Say Hurtful Words to Your Partner

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. Check out Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The BIG “Oops!”

Filed under: "I'm sorry!",Resolving Conflict,Trust — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Saying, “My bad!” or “I’m sorry” over and over again when you make a big “Oops!” is kinda like the story of the little boy who cried, “Wolf.” After a while your partner will get the idea that change is not in the picture.

my-badWhen you make a misstep. . . acknowledge it and promise not to do it again. . . and KEEP YOUR WORD! “I was wrong and I am sorry,” works once or possibly twice. Those seven words will help make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your relationship and your life work better and you will be closer to your heart’s desire; a healthy love relationship and marriage.

oopsSaying “I’m sorry” over and over for the same mistake doesn’t work! Not making the same mistake again does. It demonstrates your sincerity and respect for your partner and makes a significant contribution to your relationship.

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Get a grip! Stop saying, “I’m sorry” and do it right the next time.

You can’t take back words in anger, and you can only say I’m sorry a couple of times for the same thing. Then, those words aren’t even a Band-Aid; the apology just plain doesn’t work.” When you are upset or angry because of a “oops,” allow a cooling off period.

Toothpaste once squeezed, cannot be put back into the tube. Feathers scattered in the wind cannot be collected. You cannot un-ring a bell. Hurtful words once spoken, cannot be taken back.

sorryBy the way, saying “I’m sorry” is okay as long as the behavior stops. Again, too many “I’m sorrys” is like crying, “Wolf!”

Speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. Think twice before you say something that may hurt someone else!

Make an effort to make sure the last words to your partner each morning and each night are loving, positive and encouraging.

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

One of the secrets to having healthy love relationships is to never be afraid to openly and honestly discuss whatever is relevant to the success of the relationship. Making mistakes is part of having a relationship. Those kind of issues are not to break us, but to make us stronger as a team.

Sometimes saying you are sorry doesn’t always mean you did anything wrong. When your lover is experiencing difficulties, “I’m sorry” can be an expression of understanding; it demonstrates an attitude of caring and empathy.

Disagreements will occur. When they do, bounce back quickly. If an “I’m sorry” is appropriate, muster the courage and say it. Don’t waste time wallowing in the stuff of the quarrel.

Someone has to be first to break the silence. Let it be you.

CLoveLOGO

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I Was Wrong and I Am Sorry

Filed under: "I'm sorry!",Trust — Larry James @ 6:18 pm

As a professional relationship coach, over the years I have listened as partners pour out their hearts to me, justifying their position to the detriment of the relationship.

ibrokeitThere are as many relationship issues as there are people, however if I were going to make a list of the most frequent issues I would say that money, in-laws, sex, control issues, unfulfilled expectations and a lack of effective communication top the list.

It is one thing to know there is a problem and it is quite another to not do anything about it. You must first acknowledge that a problem exists before it can be fixed. Part of the healing is to acknowledge that there are indeed problems that you may be responsible for. Knowing that is not enough. DOING something different is!

Relationship derailment is a troubling phenomenon. However, it’s time for the death of finger pointing. Blame in a love relationship doesn’t work!

There is a payoff for everything you do. The payoff for pointing a finger at your partner and blaming him or her for your relationship condition is: you don’t have to take responsibility for your share of the problem.

Although blaming has no redeeming value, if you must place blame, you would be wise to accept responsibility and know that the blame goes to the person looking back at you in the mirror.

“Sorry seems to be the hardest word” – Elton John

IWasWrongRelationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

It is time to STOP blaming someone else for the misery you are creating for yourself. It’s time to forgive yourself and your partner so the hurt will heal. The hurts won’t heal until you allow yourself to forgive.

Perhaps your relationship deserves a powerful new focus. The responsibility of both partners is to acknowledge that there is a problem, talk about it in the most loving way you can and reach a conclusion with a workable solution that will benefit both of you.

Ideally, having a partner who understands the concept of team and the responsibility that goes with it contributes greatly to creating a greater attitude of team, which sheds light on solutions instead of keeping the focus on the problem.

True love allows for disagreements. Problems are not there to break you. They help make you a better partner; they help you grow. Acknowledging when you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.

If your relationship is off track, the cost of complacency is obviously substantial. Waiting for your partner to “come around,” may prove futile. Go first. You must take the first step while you are still afraid. Doing so helps to inoculate your relationship against a relapse.

Your relationship priorities are clear now, right? Go first. Say it.

“I was wrong and I am sorry.”

It probably doesn’t need to be said, however I will say it anyway. Saying “I’m sorry” over and over for the same mistake doesn’t work! Not making the same mistake again does. It demonstrates your sincerity and respect for your partner and makes a significant contribution to your relationship.

Do what’s right!

Those seven words will help make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your relationship and your life work better and you will be closer to your heart’s desire; a healthy love relationship and marriage.

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Copyright © 2007 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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