Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Resentment Destroys Relationships

Kevin Martineau, Guest Author

Everybody blows it. We all make mistakes. This means: “I’m not perfect. I don’t bat 1000. I don’t measure up to God’s standard. I don’t even measure up to my own standards. I disappoint myself a lot of the times.”

resentment-let-it-goSo because we’re all imperfect, we’re going to hurt other people and other people are going to hurt us in life: intentionally and unintentionally. What’s more important is this: What do we do with that hurt?

What we do with it is more important than the hurt. Are we going to allow it to make us better? Or are we going to allow it to make us bitter, resentful, and carry a grudge?

Now often, it’s not the big things in life that make us resentful. Those can obviously and they do but it’s also a lot of little things that just pile up. And a lot of little things can break the camel’s back. So we get irritated. And those irritations when we hold on to them turn into resentment.

2 Reasons to Not Get Resentful

1. When we get resentful, we stop thinking clearly.

Our logic goes out the door. Our logic gets distorted. Our perspective gets clouded. Our vision gets all mixed up and we don’t think rationally when our emotions are involved.

2. We start acting in self-defeating ways.

The most foolish things that have ever been done in history have been done in revenge or in retaliation or in resentment. The reality is that resentment doesn’t work! It never hurts the other person. It only hurts us. It’s like shooting ourself with a gun to hit them with the kick of the recoil. It doesn’t work!

The antidote to resentment is forgiveness.

Forgiveness builds relationships. Now let me explain what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not minimizing the hurt. It hurt. Forgiveness is not justifying it, saying it was no big deal. It was a big deal. Forgiveness is not saying it wasn’t wrong. It was wrong.

So what is forgiveness? and Why would anybody do that?

Torn piece of paper with the word "Forgive" in the woman's palms.Mostly for our own sake because we are living in misery the longer we hold it on. Some of us are still allowing people from our past to hurt us in the present. The reality is that they cannot hurt us anymore. The past is past. And every time we hold onto that grudge we are perpetuating our own pain. They can only hurt us if we refuse to let it go. When we hold onto our resentment we are only hurting ourself.

Forgiveness is the only way to get on with our life.

They don’t deserve it but did we deserve to be forgiven by God? No. But God did it anyway out of His grace and kindness. You see, resentment turns our heart into a desert and it dries us up emotionally to the point where we don’t have anything left to give to anybody else. We don’t have anything to give because we are so stuck in the past that we can’t get on with the future.

Everybody has had some relational disasters in life. Everybody. The question is: What are you going to do with them? Are you going to hold onto that resentment and allow it to destroy you and your relationships OR are you going to choose to forgive?

BONUS Article: Forgiveness… What’s it For?
Forgive and Forget??? You’re Kidding, Right?

KevinMartineauCopyright 2013 by Kevin Martineau. Kevin is the Pastor at Port Hardy Baptist Church on Northern Vancouver Island, British Columbia. HE is married to his best friend and has three beautiful daughters. Visit Kevin’s Website!

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Thursday, May 9, 2013

How to Let Go: The 4 People You Must Forgive

Filed under: Forgiveness,Guest Authors,Letting Go,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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Brian Tracy, Guest Author

There are four people you need to forgive if you are serious about changing your life and learning how to live in the now.

The first are your parents, living or dead. You must absolutely forgive them for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up. At the very least, you should be grateful to them for giving you life. They got you here. If you are happy to be alive, you can forgive them for everything else. Never complain about them again.

forgiveness2013Many of my seminar participants have phoned or visited their parents and told them that they forgive them for everything. Often this simple act of courage and character has had a profound effect on their relationship with their mother or father. From that day onward, they have become good friends, which lasted the rest of their lives together.

On the other hand, by not forgiving your parents, you remain forever a child. You block your own chance to grow up and become a fully functioning adult. You continue to see yourself as a victim. Even worse, you keep your negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive. If your parents die without your having forgiven them, it can bother you for the rest of your life.

The second person or persons you must forgive are the people from your marriages or relationships that didn’t work out. These intimate relationships can be so intense, and so threatening to your feelings of self-esteem and self-worth, that you can be angry and unforgiving toward those people for years.

But you were at least partially responsible. Have the personal strength and integrity to say, “I am responsible,” and then forgive the other person and let him or her go. Say the words, “I forgive him/her for everything and I wish him/her well.” Each time you repeat this, the negative emotion attached to the memory will diminish. Soon it will be gone forever.

Many of my graduates have found that “the letter” is the key to putting a bad relationship behind them forever. This is a powerful technique that can free you from feelings of anger and resentment almost instantly.

Here is how it works: You to sit down and write the other person a letter of forgiveness. It consists of three parts.

First you say, “I forgive you for everything you ever did that hurt me.”

Second, you write out a description or list of every single thing that you are still mad about. Some people write several pages in this part.

Third, you end the letter with the words, “I wish you well.”

You then take the letter to the mailbox and drop it in. At that moment, you will feel a huge sense of relief, and you will be free at last.

By the way, don’t worry about how the other person might react. That is not your concern. Your goal is to free yourself, to regain your peace of mind, and to get on with the wonderful life that lies ahead of you.

Larry’s NOTE: Depending on the circumstances, I sometimes recommend that after writing the “letter of forgiveness” that you have a brief, private “forgiveness” ceremony in your back yard and instead of sending the letter, burn it! Remembering that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, this accomplishes the same thing – a feeling of relief. Generally speaking – and again, depending on the circumstances – the person you are forgiving may have moved on with their life and really could care less whether you forgive them or not. It is not as important that they know you forgave them than the peace of mind that forgiveness gives to you.

The third person you must forgive is everyone else in your life who has ever hurt you in any way. Let them go. Forgive every boss, business partner, friend, crook or betrayer who has ever caused you grief of any kind. Clean the slate and forgive to forget. Wipe each of their names and images off by saying, “I forgive him/her for everything, and I wish him/her well.” Repeat this statement each time you think of the person or situation until the negative feelings are gone.

Forgive-YourselfThe fourth and final person you have to forgive is yourself. You must absolutely forgive yourself for every silly, senseless, wicked, brainless, thoughtless or cruel thing you have ever done or said. Stop carrying these past mistakes around with you. That was then and this is now.

Think of it this way. When you did those things in the past that you still feel badly about, you were not the person you are today. At that time, you were a different person, younger and less experienced. You were not your true self. You were an immature version of the person you have become with experience. Stop beating yourself up for something that occurred in the past that you cannot change.

Just say, “I forgive myself for every mistake I ever made. I am a thoroughly good person and I am going to have a wonderful future.” Whenever you think of that event or situation, just repeat, “I forgive myself completely.” And then get on with your life. Focus on the future rather than the past and don’t look back. Look at where you are going rather than where you have been.

Finally, if you did something that hurt someone, and you still feel badly about it, you can go to that person, or write, and apologize. Tell the person you are sorry for what you did or said. Whatever his or her reaction, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. The very act of repentance, of expressing regret, will set you free.

FREE eBook — Best of Brian Tracy’s Blogs! Four incredible blogs that will help you learn how to influence people, become the best version of yourself, and start taking action to get everything you want in life! Access the ultimate collection of Brian Tracy’s BEST blog posts. Click here!

BONUS Articles: Forgiveness… What’s it For?

BrianTracyCopyright 2013 by Brian Tracy. Reprinted with permission. Brian Tracy is the most listened to audio author on personal and business success in the world today. His fast-moving talks and seminars on leadership, sales, managerial effectiveness and business strategy are loaded with powerful, proven ideas and strategies that people can immediately apply to get better results in every area. For more information, please go to www.briantracy.com.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Friday, March 22, 2013

Does Forgiveness Really Matter?

Filed under: Forgiveness,Guest Authors — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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Lori and Bob Hollander, Guest Authors

Yes, forgiveness matters. For love to be sustained over a lifetime, we must be able to forgive.

forgivenessInevitably in any relationship, there will be times where your partner will say or do something hurtful. Feelings of pain, sadness, anger, rejection and betrayal may arise. It’s common to feel overwhelmed by our responses and replay the incident over and over in our minds. The feelings intensify. The longer the situation goes unresolved the deeper the pain will be; and the more difficult it will be to forgive.

Holding on to hurt and anger has been shown to lead to depression and anxiety, feeling consumed by unhappiness, health problems and substance abuse. It also undermines trust and intimacy in a relationship.

“If you are going to pursue revenge, you might as well dig two graves.” – Chinese proverb

We believe the best way to handle hurts is to take a cooling off period and then come back to each other as soon as possible to resolve the issue.

Forgiveness involves:

• Taking the offense less personally; remembering that your partner wouldn’t intentionally set out to hurt you
• Coming to an understanding of what occurred that led to the hurt, through each of you expressing what happened from your point of view and how you felt
• Letting go of the anger towards your partner, after he/she apologizes, and re-connecting

forgiveness2Studies have shown that people who forgive:

• Have a greater sense of well-being
• Feel more in control of their lives
• Are happier and healthier
• Have better and more intimate relationships

Bob and I practice forgiveness whenever we hurt each other’s feelings. It’s certainly not easy to work it through and let go, even for two people who do this for a living, but we can tell you it keeps the relationship positive.

BONUS Articles: Forgiveness… What’s it For?
Can You Forgive and Forget?

Copyright © 2013 – Lori & Bob Hollander. Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, JD, LCSW-C, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center. Together, they encourage couples to consciously co-create their relationships in order to achieve a deeper, more intimate connection. You can visit Relationships Work online at: http://www.RelationshipsWork.com. Follow them on Facebook.

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Monday, December 24, 2012

Can You Forgive and Forget?

Filed under: Forgiveness — Larry James @ 8:30 am
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Forgive and forget… Easier said than done!

forgive-and-forgetForgive and forget is an impossibility!

Forgive? Yes! You forgive because it sets you free; the first step toward healing. It takes a person with character to forgive. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It also doesn’t mean that if your partner betrayed you that you must remain together.

Forget? No! You will remember. When you remember, you must also remember that you have already forgiven. In time the memory of what happened will fade provided that you have genuinely forgiven.

“Forgiving changes the perspectives. Forgetting looses the lesson.” ~ Paulo Coelho

defineFORGIVEHow do you forget if someone hurt you? You must put it behind you and not go back to it or go through it over and over again. It is a wise person who forgives even when the other party is not sorry.

Trust is a fragile issue. A breach of trust is never forgotten. Keep your word. Be careful of the words you speak in your relationship. They cannot be taken back. Each word will be burned into the memory of your love partner.

Speak only words of love. Words can come back to haunt you or they can become the way two lovers express sensitivity, warmth, understanding, acceptance and Love.

BONUS Article: Forgive and Forget??? You’re Kidding, Right?
Forgiveness… What’s it For?

woundedHeartCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Forgive and Forget??? You’re Kidding, Right?

Filed under: Forgiveness — Larry James @ 8:30 am
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Forgiveness is the crown jewel of keeping your life (and your relationships) in balance! Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do “for” someone else.

forgiveThere is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing! I know that may be a pill that is hard to swallow, and it’s true! Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Forgiveness is difficult, forgetting can be downright impossible for some people. It’s never easy, but the benefits of forgiving can be powerful. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.

You have heard that you must forgive and forget. You’re kidding, right? The ugly truth… forgive and forget is a myth!

“Nothing fixes a thing so intently in the memory as the wish to forget it.” ~ Cat Patrick

When you decide to commit to forgiveness, people usually say, not yet, but when they finally do, they must then hold on to forgiveness. You may never forget AND you can choose to forgive. You can forgive and tomorrow you may feel the pain all over again. As life goes on and you choose to remember and feel the pain, then is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward.

forgiveness1Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Hope College, says, “Forgiveness does not involve a literal forgetting. Forgiveness involves remembering graciously. The forgiver remembers the true though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjectives and adverbs that stir up contempt. Harboring unforgiveness comes at an emotional and a physiological cost. Cultivating forgiveness may cut these costs.

“As someone once said, ‘What you resist, persists.’ So what’s the answer? It’s not resist, it’s release! We confront the memory or habit and we gently release it in the wind to blow away. We just let go, and replace it with the thoughts we want. Then when it shows up in our thoughts, we simply release it again. And again. Without the emotional energy on it, we don’t get plugged in and we allow it to disintegrate.” ~ Wes Hopper, author, speaker

The smart thing to do is to look for the lesson the situation presented. Learn from it. Do your best to never let yourself be in a position of allowing it to happen again. Develop a “student not victim” mentality. What were you being tested for? Patience? Compassion? Resilience? Forgiveness? Open-mindedness? What strengths must you develop further? Now consciously go out there and develop them!

forgiveBy the way… you do not have to forgive. Recognizing that you don’t have to forgive might bring temporary relief. Forgiveness is only and always a choice.

To help you achieve resolution, Jeanne Safer, PhD, a psychotherapist and the author of Forgiving and Not Forgiving, offers a three-step process. The first step involves re-engagement — a decision to think through what happened. The second step, recognition, means looking at every feeling you may have about the injury. “You ask yourself, ‘why do I want revenge?’” Safer said. “Revenge is based on powerlessness and it’s doomed to failure.

The final step involves reinterpretation of the injury, including an attempt to understand the person who caused it. “This is where forgivers and nonforgivers divide,” Safer said. “Sometimes you’re not able to reconnect with the person, but if you go through this process, at least you won’t be a victim. What’s important is working it through and achieving resolution, whether it leads to forgiveness or not. Forgiveness involves wishing the other well. You’re already there if you don’t wish them ill,” Safer says.

Carrie Fisher quote: “Resentment is the poison you swallow hoping the other person will die.” Work to let go of any resentment you may hold. It takes no strength to let go… only courage.

BONUS Article: Forgiveness… What’s it for?

forgivenessCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Saturday, March 3, 2012

Project Forgive

Filed under: Forgiveness,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Shawne Duperon, Guest Author

ProjectFORGIVEWelcome to Project Forgive – Through compelling stories of famous and inspiring people who’ve learned the secret power of true forgiveness, this documentary project takes a compelling look at love.

Six-time EMMY® Award winner Shawne Duperon (dew-PAIR-en, rhymes with Sharon) has been in the television business for nearly 20 years. The Documentary Project: Forgive is a compelling inquiry into our human experience of dancing in the notion of forgiveness and love. Currently, Shawne Duperon is producing and directing the documentary Project: Forgive, a compelling inquiry that examines why and how humans forgive. She needs your help. For more details, please click here!

BONUS Article: Forgiveness… What’s it For?

Video Copyright © 2012 – Shawne Duperon.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Forgiveness… What’s it For?

Filed under: Forgiveness — Larry James @ 8:00 am

LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn’t do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

Torn piece of paper with the word "Forgive" in the woman's palms.

“Forgive”

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Alexander Pope once said, “To err is human; to forgive, Divine.” Believe it!

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: “Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?” If the answer is “No,” then that’s it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

LoveNote. . . If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. – Mother Theresa

forgivenessTelling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.

Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Some will argue that in the case of child abuse, the Holocaust, Saddam Hussain, 9-11, etc, the abuser has no “right” to forgiveness — such blessings can only be earned — that forgiveness only leads to further victimization. Such acts are heinous and despicable and with time (and in many cases, therapy and coaching) they can be forgiven. Every day you may have to forgive again.

The greatest misconception about forgiveness is the belief that forgiving the offense, such as an affair, means that you condone it. Not true. In fact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you.

Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did you wrong apologizes, wants you back, or changes his or her ways. If another person’s poor behavior were the primary determinant for your healing then the unkind and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another.

I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice.

When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only and always your choice. The choice to forgive is only and always yours.

When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, do not forgive for “their” sake. Do it for yourself! It would be great if they would come to you and ask forgiveness but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That is their choice. They do not NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did and that is it – except for the consequences, which THEY must live with.

The hurts won’t heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don’t rush it. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt!

“Forgiveness will not be possible until compassion is born in your heart.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

Compassion is one of the key ingredients of forgiveness. Learn to look for and appreciate the love, beauty and kindness around you. It’s there, and you may have to change your thinking and behavior to discover it. To have compassion for others, you must first have compassion for yourself.

HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have “done you wrong” is the only way to improve your chances of a “healthy” relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter!

It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt and upsets of the past.

Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you and to move on with your life. It’s the only way. It means cutting them some slack.

“What?” you say! “Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!” Let go! Move on!

Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.

LoveNote. . . The things that two people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay together, it is not because they forget, it is because they forgive. – From the movie, Indecent Proposal

Forgive+but+not+ForgetForgive and forget is a myth.

“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~ Alexandra Asseily, author of “The Garden of Forgiveness in Beirut”

Forgiveness is a journey. You may never forget AND you can choose to forgive. You can forgive and tomorrow you may feel the pain all over again. As life goes on and you choose to remember and feel the pain, then is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will eventually fade.

Always remember that you are human. Sometimes people do and say hurtful things. It is important to focus on what you have done to learn from the experience. Forgive what hurt you in the past but never forget the lesson it taught you.

“In this life. . . we are unable to forget whatever remains unforgiven. So, if we won’t let go of some pain – whose time has now past – then who is to blame for the weight of this burden still being carried on our back?” ~ Guy Finley

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

Begin again! It is truly impossible to start new and to make clear, healthy, life giving choices until we have let go of past hurts, confusion and resentments. Old wounds have a drawing power and pull our attention to them over and over, taking energy and hope from us, preventing us from starting again. Old wounds raise fearful spectres of the same thing happening again in the future. For this reason it is so important to spend time understanding the true nature of forgiveness, and what it really entails.

To forgive means to “give up”, to let go. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself. The inability or unwillingness to do this, causes harm in the one who is holding onto the anger.

“The only upside of anger is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they are not afraid of the journey. Someone that knows that the truth, is at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and sits and in it’s wake leaves a new chance of acceptance and the promise of calm.” ~ From the movie, “The Upside of Anger” starring Kevin Coster and Joan Allen

If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. You CAN let go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.

forgivemistakesWant peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness is the most important single process that brings peace to our soul and harmony to our life. All of us, at some point in our lives, have been hurt and wounded by the actions or words of another. Sometimes the grievances have been so great we thought, “no way, this I cannot forgive!” Resentment and hostility can run so deep that forgiveness becomes very difficult. We feel we have a right to our indignation!

However, living from resentment takes so much effort. It creates a tremendous void in and around us. All the toxic feelings of hatred and resentment stay bottled up inside and eventually seep into all the areas of our life with the result that we become bitter, angry, unhappy and frustrated. And so, living from forgiveness becomes a necessity. Not that this is easy; it isn’t. But we cannot keep ourselves in the flow of good if we hold another in unforgiveness.

“Forgiveness is essential to all relationships. But it is not unconditional. It comes with the tacit understanding that if the hurtful behavior happens too many times, forgiveness is revoked and the relationship will end. Always avoid doing those things for which an apology and forgiveness are required.” ~ Shela Dean, Author of “Frequent Foreplay Miles

Forgiveness is not something we have to do, but something we must allow to flow through us. When we step away from the consciousness of our human nature, and allow the divine or God’s grace to express through us, to forgive through us, we can at that point, feel the radiant and warm rays of the flow of divine love dissolving all hurt, all bitterness, all sense of injustice. We become aware that we are free and we can project that love outward into our world.

Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the root word give. Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism and also releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments. It is not surrender, but a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment. In affect, it takes the poison our of your body. It cleanses your system of the poison that will surely fester and cause illness and continued misery if not released. You cannot take the poison and expect someone else to die. They will go on with their life and you will be the only one to continue to suffer.

“God’s forgiveness is not necessary, because God understands all of us – and all of our behaviors – perfectly. And God sees each of us and each of our behaviors as manifestations and demonstrations of life’s evolutionary process.” ~ Neale Donald Walsch

LoveNote. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. – Rev. Karyl Huntley

Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral courage. It ends the illusion of separation, and its power can change misery into happiness in an instant. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and favor the positive.

Forgiveness is a form of love within the context of a personal crisis. To forgive is, in a sense, to love one’s enemy. When forgiveness is given because you think you should, it no longer is forgiveness but an act of self- interest.

“There are those who will tell you why it is wise to never forget the pain of the past. . . but if you look closely at the anger, sorrow, and bitterness that has hardened their faces, then you will also see why learning to forgive is the better of the two paths.” ~ Guy Finley

The act of forgiveness constitutes a mental bath, letting go of something that can only poison us within.

Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as “giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled.”

Mona Gustafson Affinito says, “Forgiveness means deciding not to punish a perceived injustice, taking action on that decision, and experiencing the emotional relief that follows.”

It is important to recognize that your distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you five minutes ago or five years ago. Research has shown that people who are deeply and unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally and, in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender.

revengeFORGIVEForgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often passed on to those around you. Forgiveness helps you make peace with your past.

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. The only people you should ever want to get even with are those who have helped you.

Forgiveness. What it’s for? It creates the freedom to create a new future beginning now!

“After forgiveness, comes love. In your heart and spirit you are a beautiful person – is there anything so unforgivable that should keep you connected in an emotional bondage to person or condition? Standing here on the edge of enlightenment, you can choose to play small and remain where you are or you can dive into the heart of love and experience a life more beautiful than you’ve ever known.”~ Steven Connor

UpDated: Researchers and academics may have an answer for those who do not believe that the act of forgiveness is good for the soul. Scientists have gotten interested in the health benefits of forgiveness. Their studies have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving heart.

In some studies, forgiveness has been linked to a lessening of chronic back pain and depression; in others to reduce levels of stress hormones. Scientist have also found that forgiveness is one of several coping mechanisms that help people with HIV/AIDS live longer, or at least more satisfying lives.

“It takes much more courage, strength of character, and inner conviction to forgive than it does to hang on to low-energy feelings.” ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Prayer for Forgiveness. . .

#1 – Living, loving Spirit, let me practice forgiveness today by starting with the little hurts. I will let go of all the everyday occurrences that do not go the way I want, and the moment I begin to feel the familiar feeling of anger or resentment, I will practice forgiveness by invoking your loving and peaceful Presence and allowing divine grace to surround me. And so it is.

#2 – Living, loving Presence, I enter this moment of silence and consciously make the decision to unburden and detach myself from the painful memories of the past. I release to you everything that holds me back from my spiritual journey. I feel your power working in and through me in forgiving and letting go all that needs to be forgiven and released. And so it is.

LoveNote. . . One pardons to the degree that one loves. – Francios De La Rochefoucauld

LoveNote. . . Our capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves. – Thich Nhat Hanh

LoveNote. . . Love is an act of endless forgiveness. – Peter Ustinov

LoveNote. . . Genuine forgiveness is participation, reunion overcoming the powers of estrangement. . . We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love. – Paul Tillich

LoveNote. . . To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. – Robert Muller

LoveNote. . . The practice of forgiveness is a way by which we achieve inner peace… and, by definition means letting go of the past and therefore is the gateway to the future. – Mack Newton

forgivenessquoteLoveNote. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. – Rev. Karyl Huntley

LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. – Mark Twain

LoveNote. . . Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

LoveNote. . . “When you forgive, you essentially undo the ability to blame.” When you stop blaming yourself, you start to like yourself and you’re much more fun to be around. You get your power back over your life. That is the power of forgiveness. – Eldon Taylor

LoveNote. . . There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. – Josh Billings

LoveNote. . . The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

LoveNote. . . When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. – Catherine Ponder

LoveNote. . . One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy – whether he know about it or not. – A. Battista

LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young

LoveNote. . . Asking for forgiveness and forgiving others is a complicated process that inovlves our deepest empathy, humanity and wisdom. Historically we have found that without forgiveness there can be no lasting love; no change, no growth, no real freedom. It is important, then, for those who care about lasting relationshps to better understand the dynamics of forgiveness. – Leo Buscaglia

LoveNote. . . Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. – Roberto Assagioli

LoveNote. . . As long as you are blaming anyone else for anything, you are giving away your power and creating more negative effects in your life. This is the secret behind the Hawaiian practice of ho’oponopono, popularized by Joe Vitale in his book, “Zero Limits.”

BONUS Articles: How to Forgive Your Past Relationship
Forgiveness

forgivenessCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Friday, July 15, 2011

How to Forgive Your Past Relationship

Filed under: Forgiveness,Guest Authors,Letting Go — Larry James @ 7:00 am
Tags: , ,

Donna Marie Thompson, PhD, Guest Author

“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.” ~ Paul Boese

BBFL

Click book cover for more info!

So here you are – your relationship is over – yet it still lingers in your mind. It still lingers in your heart. All of the hurts, all of the trauma, all of the drama. You might be wondering, when does it just go away? Well the pain might fade over time, but true healing only comes with forgiveness. Yes, it might seem odd to let go of those hurts – they have been your companions for quite a while now. There is a sense of familiarity there – even in the pain.

So if passing time alone isn’t the answer, then what is? A healing program is the answer. The program where you lay it all out on the table, address it, and forgive it. Only then can you begin to live your new life in peace.

So Are You Ready?

When you are ready to take this on, head on, then assemble all of your hurts. List them out one-by-one. Lay out all of the major relationship issues and relationship problems. Yes, and those communication break downs. Identify the root cause, identify why you still have sad or bad feelings about it. Sort through it all in your mind and put it down on paper. If you don’t know the cause, if you don’t know the answer, there is no sense in spinning in circles. There may never be an answer; ambiguity is the name of the game on those issues. Forgive them. Let them go.

No What Ifs

And please refrain from the endless what-if syndrome. This is where you go round and round about what might have been, what could have been, what should have been. Well, the facts are that it simply can’t be. You are in a different place now. Time has passed. There is no going back. So focus your energy and attention on the present and on the future.

Bring on the Forgiveness

Granting forgiveness to others does not mean that you approve or necessarily condone their questionable actions. Granting forgiveness to others does not mean that you completely forget about the questionable actions by others.

True forgiveness means that you have moved past the action itself and have forgiven the person. Upon your act of forgiveness, you have cleared your mind and no longer harbor bad feelings. Hanging on to feelings of resentment is harmful to you and your health, increases stress, and often has no effect whatsoever on the other person who is off of their merry way.

Ridding yourself of resentment enables you to replace those swirling thoughts with positive, constructive thoughts. The act of forgiveness raises your energy level and brightens your outlook. That’s all good.

Let’s Go

It is time to tackle a difficult issue; identify an opportunity to demonstrate true forgiveness. Work out how you will undertake to forgive it once and for all. After you forgive it, assess changes in your feelings over the next few days. You will be lighter and happier now that it is no longer a pebble in your shoe.

So what will it be: Are you going to spend today thinking about your future or about your past? You decide. You choose.

BONUS Article: Forgiveness… What’s it For?
Forgiveness

DonnaMarieThompson

Copyright © 2011 – Donna Marie Thompson, PhD. Reprinted with permission. Donna Marie Thompson, PhD – The Bouncing Back Now Relationship Coach – is a best-selling author, a Certified Professional Coach, a Certified NLP Practitioner, and a Master Practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index. Donna Marie is listed as one of America’s Premier Experts in relationships and personal development. She is the host of the “Bouncing Back Now” show on the Real Coaching Radio TV network and on internet radio. Donna Marie is a featured relationship expert panelist on the new Living Consciously series on Denver cable TV. She has been the special guest the Brian Tracy TV Show and is showcased national TV on “World’s Greatest” on the ION network. Visit Donna Marie’s Blog!

CLoveLOGOLarry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Forgiveness

Filed under: Forgiveness,Relationships — Larry James @ 1:57 am

I believe that forgiveness holds the key to our happiness. I would stop short of saying that if we don’t seek forgiveness we may never be happy again. And, that could be true. We may have occasional spurts of happiness and we may notice that there is something else that needs to be done to insure a more consistent pattern of happiness. Unhappiness is a choice. We may be always and only thinking about forgiving ourselves and others, which keeps us from forgiving and the happiness we deserve. Doing is the key.

forgivenessI am saying that our future happiness will be free to express itself more openly and spontaneously when we can forgive ourselves and forgive others, with no concern about whether they or we deserve it. We may notice that we carry forgiveness as a burden. That’s a sign that points in the right direction. If we can notice that, we will be in wonder of what might happen if we could shed this tiresome burden of non-forgiveness.

When we give in to our curiosity, we will find ourselves on a path of forgiveness that can lead to more happiness than we can possibly imagine.

forgivenessForgiveness opens doors. Windows to. The window to open is the one to the world in which you are free to do and be what you are here to do and be. Without the tiresome burden of worry, you unleash unlimited possibilities. Without the worry of non-forgiveness you can get on with what’s next.

Additional resource:

Read, “Forgiveness. . . What’s it for?” – Forgiveness is often misunderstood. We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. This article suggests that you focus on offering forgiveness to the person who has wronged you as a healthy way of releasing the anger, resentment, etc., within yourself. In other words, you forgive for YOU, not for the other. To read this article, go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/forgive.htm.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2005 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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