Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Men Have Feelings Too!

A Discourse in Support of a Safe Place to Express Feelings ~ (For Men Only – It’s okay for women to sneak-a-peek and pass this along to YOUR man!)

Someone once said that women are the ones with feelings. Men are the thinkers and fixers.

Men have feelings too, however they often refuse to acknowledge them, much less talk about them; seldom to their spouse or significant other and especially not to other men. Most think it is a sign of weakness.

REL-MenHaveFeelings2Not so!

It is a sign of strength and of courage. Men who get in touch with their feelings can reinvent themselves. It opens up numerous possibilities. It is possible for a man to be tough AND tender!

Often men get caught up in the business of the day and when they arrive home, they express their feelings in unintentionally destructive ways by literally “dumping” on their significant other. This doesn’t work. The relationship can only go downhill from there.

For the most part, men have not been brought up to express their feelings at all, much less in a constructive way. Generally speaking, you can trace this behavior back several generations. Remember the song, “Big Boys Don’t Cry?” It should have been, “Big Boys Don’t Express Their Feelings.” Bet your grandfather didn’t. Most likely neither did your dad. He was probably the “rock;” the one who must be strong and not demonstrate his feelings lest he be seen as a weak man. Men are suppose to be macho. Oh, really? The truth is, most men lack the skills to express their feelings.

“But,” you say, “that is a woman thing.” Says who? The more you are in touch with how you really feel about things, the easier it is to communicate those feelings. I call this: getting totally honest with yourself!

Men are notoriously poor at cultivating and maintaining close friendships with other men. Often when you ask a man how many close friends he has, he will be at a loss to come up with more than one or two (if any at all).

Many times the people he will mention are the guys he gets together with over a beer to talk about the big game last Sunday or the other men he communicates with about business. Other men may talk about their childhood friends they no longer are in touch with. How sad. These are not the kind of close friendships with whom you can share your most intimate feelings. Intimate feelings? Is that scary, or what?

When we run from our feelings, they follow us… everywhere!

Feelings must be expressed. To stuff your most intimate feelings is to stay stuck with the feeling. What is the solution? How can you find a way to communicate your feelings in a way that feels safe and where you can always be assured of being heard?

One highly effective solution is to form your own “Men’s Support Community.” To be heard is to be healed. You learn to talk openly and honestly in an environment of absolute confidentiality where there are no rules about what or how you say what you need to say. The other men in the group only listen. No one offers advice. No solutions. The other men learn to suspend their judgments about what they think or feel about what you say. They are there to be your committed listener. Listening IS support.

Soooo… how does this help you? You get to “vent” all you want, anyway you want but this time without the destructive tones damaging the relationship you have with your significant other. Another way it helps is that you learn when you listen. You discover that you can benefit from the experiences of the other men.

You should have learned by now that a solution that you discover on your own rather than being told by someone else is almost always the better and most workable solution.

While it may be difficult for men to understand how only talking with no advice and solutions will work, I can assure you that after meeting and getting to know each other after about 6 to 10 weeks you will begin to notice a shift in the dynamics of the group — to say nothing about your attitude about expressing yourself fully.

To be listened to attentively feels good. Knowing that you have everyone’s full attention to how you feel can be a bit disarming for some men. In “Men’s Support Communities” I have been involved with, in the beginning most men experienced some level of discomfort in only being listened to without anyone offering solutions. Men are fixers, remember? This is not the expected way for men to be. Or is it? As the group spent more time together, the bonding that occurred worked its own miracle. Frequency assists in the bonding process.

Men can learn a very important lesson from fully participating in a group such as this. They learn to empathize with women who are often heard complaining, “He never listens to me!” Once men experience the committed listening of the group, they begin to feel more at ease in sharing their deepest concerns about their relationship, their work and their life with their spouse or significant other.

Most often this is the salvation for their personal relationship!

“Every man needs to bond with other men from the heart. He needs to fulfill his needs for intimacy with someone other than his lover, so she isn’t his only outlet for feeling. He needs mirrors of his own quest to understand his masculinity; soul buddies who can validate his journey like no woman ever can. Find a friend. Take off your mask. Show him who you really are.” ~ Barbara DeAngelis, Author of Real Moments

Mens-Support-GroupGuidelines for a “Men’s Support Community”

• Set a specific place, time and length of the meeting. Once a week in the same place, at the same time with a two hour maximum is recommended.

Important: The effectiveness of the group is dependent upon each member’s total commmitment to making attendance at this weekly meeting a high priority. No commitment. No healing. If you cannot commit to be present at every meeting do not join the group. Obviously there will be an ocassional missed meeting because of family emergencies. Our group determined that family comes first. Other than family or you die, there were no excuses for not attending this life-changing meeting.

• Be on time. Better yet, arrive early and visit for a few minutes before the meeting officially begins. If someone is unavoidably late, do not stop to greet them, continue with the meeting. I once was late for a sales meeting and made the comment, “Better late than never,” to which the sales manager replied, “Better never late!” Lesson learned.

• It is wise for everyone to commit to meet for a minimum of 6 weeks in the beginning and at the end of that period you can all choose to extend your meetings at 6 week intervals. Our group eventually decided to meet indefinitely.

• A group of from 6 to 8 is most effective.

• Decide whether you want to have a closed group once the group reaches capacity. I am of the opinion that a closed group is a good idea. A new member introduced to the group after the group has been meeting for awhile may feel left out because the others in the group have already bonded. The older members will often feel the need to bring the new member up to speed. A closed group is recommended.

• Start the meeting promptly at the appointed time and end on time.
Eating, drinking, gum chewing, alcohol and recreational drugs all serve as distractions from feelings. Refrain from alcohol and recreational drugs the day of the meeting. No smoking.

• Refrain from giving advice and criticism. This is a must. If a member requests assistance, it is best to volunteer it at a private meeting between the two of you at another time. A phone call also works.

• Use “I” messages (e.g., I think, I feel, I believe, etc.) and all the listening skills you can muster.

Confidentiality is paramount. This cannot be over emphasized. This includes talking to your spouse or significant other about who said what in the meeting. Nothing discussed in the meeting goes out of the room. If a confidentially breach is discovered is it wise to ask the guilty party to leave the group.

• No subject is taboo. The focus must be on expressing your thoughts and feelings about what is happening in your life. Remember, this is a “safety zone;” a place where you can say what needs to be said without the judgment of others and without the fear of anyone else speaking about it to their friends. Avoid chit-chat about the score of the big game or other less important stuff you can talk about at another time.

• During this meeting it is important to notice what it “feels” like to suspend your judgment about what someone is saying. This will free them up to speak whatever is on their mind. No “raised eyebrows” or “elbow nudging.” You are there for them only to be their committed listener.

• Always read the “Statement of Purpose & Intention” at the beginning of every meeting. Always. Resist the urge to dispense with this very important part of the ritual because you’ve “heard it before!” It must be an intergral part of every meeting. Since there is no leader of the group, it’s a good idea that each week the responsibility for reading the “Statement of Purpose & Intention” word-for-word be rotated. (See below).

This process – often called “The Talking Circle” – is designed after a simple yet powerful Native American tradition that we have found useful. A Talking Circle is based on the expectation that everyone participating has something to say and something to learn. This format can create a therapeutic group.

When one person talks, everyone listens. No interruptions and absolutely no advice given. There is no cross-talk; each person gets one opportunity to speak and only speaks at that time. This is a opportunity to say what you want to. You may choose to take a turn talking or not.

In the Native American tradition a feather or “Talking Stick” is passed from person to person. It is a tool used to let people speak their feelings in a group. It was usually made of wood (usually a long stick, 12 to 18 inches) and often decorated with feathers or ribbons, painted with colors or carved.

As a gimmick to call attention to who has the floor, when each man in the group took their turn to talk in the group I was in, they held a TV remote control. Somehow it made us feel at home and more in control. There may be some irony there, I think. Our version of the Talking Stick gave them the floor to speak. All present must hear you out.

A special note for women: (I knew you couldn’t resist reading something labeled “For Men Only! – Hee! Hee!) – The guidelines are the same for a “Women’s Support Community.” Women seem to have an intense need to offer advice and solutions in these groups. Generally speaking, men have this reputation, however it has been my experience that the opposite is true in “Women’s Support Communities.”

Most women in groups that have disbanded tell me that they did so because either one person tried to be the leader (or controller) of the group or the group could not resist the urge to offer advice and solutions. This is usually the death of the group. Sandy, my friend, was in a group that disolved for both of these reasons. A caution to women: offer no advice or solutions and let the group lead itself if you want your group to be an effective tool for healing.

It is wise to have same sex groups only. The only exception might be if there is a therapist present who can moderate or intervene in any disputes that may surface between couples. Generally speaking, mixed groups do not work as well.

The following Statement of Purpose & Intention is an extremely important part of each meeting. It helps center the group and brings each member of the group back to the intention of the group. Before each meeting begins, have someone volunteer to read the following to reinforce the reasons you are meeting.

Statement of Purpose and Intention

We have recognized a need in our lives for the support of a group of loving, caring friends. We have put aside this period of time to help each other with the emotional stresses of life. We agree to give these meetings an importance in our lives that we honor by making attendance a priority. It is our intention to create a place where we can collectively experience the value of self-discovery by giving and receiving support in a caring, understanding and respectful way.

In the process of receiving support we will speak honestly about our thoughts and feelings. By doing this we will create the freedom to explore our feelings without concern as to whether what we say is well thought out, or worded appropriately. In the process of giving support, we agree to listen in a non-judgmental fashion without interrupting, giving advice or suggesting solutions. By honoring the value of our own inner wisdom the healing we seek will occur.

We agree to keep in confidence all that is said during our meetings!

Next. . . someone reaches for the TV remote control and begins to talk. There is no time limit. Some men will choose to talk more, others less, but rarely not at all. If you finish early, adjourn the meeting.

Let the healing begin!

Larry’s NOTE: The above “Statement of Purpose and Intention” was written by my good friend, Michael Najarian, Personal Growth Productions.

A Special Message From Larry James

The miracles I have personally witnessed in “Men’s Support Communities” defies description. I’ve seen relationships on the brink of divorce, in time, totally healed. Some miracles take longer than others.

I’ve heard anger expressed, happiness, grief, concern, understanding, fear, acceptance, love; a myriad of feelings you seldom hear expressed by a man to other men.

I’ve heard deep, dark secrets revealed and when expressed in the confidence of men who were trusted friends, countenances changed the instant the news was out. The stress of withholding was at last relieved.

The support for a man whose wife died after losing a bout with cancer was incredible to behold.

How does this happen? These miracles are like trying to describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. In other words, you had to be there.

I challenge you to “be there!”

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Monday, May 11, 2015

For Men Only! How to Love a Woman Who Knows Exactly How to be Loved

Toby Israel, Guest Author

If you have found a woman (or man!) who knows exactly how to be loved, don’t run away.

If she intimidates you, tell her. She will laugh – a real, genuine laugh – with surprise, and you will immediately feel more comfortable.

You must realize that the qualities some would call “demanding” or “high maintenance” are simply confidence. This woman will not settle for anything less than the love she deserves; she expects to receive love in equal measure to that which she freely offers.

REL-How2LoveAwomanA woman who knows exactly how to be loved is “pushy.” She is fierce. She is lovably, infuriatingly stubborn. Love her for it. (What else could you do?)

Love her as she loves herself and as she might love you: without reservations.

She is the free spirit dancing on stage. She is the stranger who holds eye contact far longer than normal. She is the wild one who chooses when – and if – to approach. She is the quiet one whose heart yet burns with self-knowing.

Does she know everything?

No. She knows nothing at all. She knows that she knows nothing.

Only, she knows what she needs.

This woman—this unabashedly open, introspective being – might seem fearless.

Is she afraid?

Yes. She is as scared of love and heartbreak, as vulnerable as everyone else.

And still, she embraces it all.

The walls she builds are of straw – in the face of passion they quickly burn.

She will tell you exactly how she needs to be loved because she knows this. You will not need any other how-to’s; after all, who could better instruct you than your lover herself?

If you listen carefully, you shouldn’t be too confused. She will probably repeat herself often and might write verses on “how to love a woman who knows exactly how to be loved.”

She is a letter-writer, a note-leaver, a poem-sharer. She loves to understand the world through words – not least of all herself.

She loves for the world to understand her through words.

Now, do you know how to be loved? Do you know what you need?

A woman who knows exactly how to be loved will want to know. She will ask you these questions and be surprised when you cannot answer as quickly as she.

Ask for her patience as you take time to think about it.

Finally, if you want to know how to love a woman who knows exactly how to be loved, go ask her. She will tell you all you need to know.

BONUS Article: Loving a Woman Who Knows How to be Loved

TobyIsraelCopyright © 2015 – Toby Israel. Toby Israel is an incorrigible vagabond. She travels in search of dragons, mermaids, adventures and searches… and cross-cultural understanding. Avid dancer, yogi, cook and lover of words, she is inspired by movement and poetry, good food and new things. She studied Anthropology at Middlebury College and now seeks to squeeze by as a freelance writer. You can share her journey at Next Stop World, at twitter.com/TobyIsrael and Facebook too!

ljspacer

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Hey, Guys! What Have You Done for Your Sweetheart Today?

Filed under: For Men Only,Great Advice! — Larry James @ 8:30 am
Tags:

Are you a guy who says, “I Love you” by doing small favors for your darling without her having to ask? That’s a good thing. You are on the right track. It’s the little surprises that you do that serves up a reminder that cause her to feel deeply appreciated and loved.

Harry Reis, PhD, professor of psychology at University of Rochester, studied 175 recently wed couples. He found that grand romantic gestures and declarations of everlasting love are not the secrets to marital bliss – it’s the couples who regularly do small tasks for one another who are most likely to be happy.

For married people, these small but frequent gestures serve as ongoing confirmation that our partners still care. “We never really know what’s going on in another person’s mind,” explains Reis. “These gestures show that our partner is thinking of our needs.”

One somewhat surprising finding of Dr. Reis’s not-yet-published research – while women usually are credited with being the relationship experts, it turns out that husbands tend to do these small gestures more often than wives. That might be because while women tend to be very comfortable saying, “I love you,” many men are more comfortable doing small things to show their love.

When it comes to selecting appropriate gestures, Reis says that what matters is that we do things that our partners truly appreciate.

Here are a few ideas that men can do for their partner that will demonstrate appreciation and Love:

mancologne• Offer to babysit the children while your partner either spends some alone time or gets together with her girl friends.

• Handle one of our many chores, preferably unasked; a chore you may not like to do and know that neither does she. She wants to feel emotionally tended to when you take over some of these responsibilities, mundane and otherwise.

• Stand up for her when should the situation arise.

• Fill her car with gas, check the tires, oil, etc.

• Practice good grooming. Dress well. Smell nice.

• Send her an unexpected “love” greeting card for no special reason except that you love her!

• Surprise her with something she mentioned in passing. This is especially a great gift for her to receive because you have to be a good listener for this one. Pay attention to her sizes; make a note and carry it with you.

BedroomFUN• Slow down in bed! Have some fun!

• Be sure to call her when you discover that you might be late.

• Buy you tampons without feeling emasculated.

• Clean up your own messes; avoid porcelain splash in the bathroom; put your own clothes away, shoes under the bed, etc.

• Do all you can to cause her to feel appreciated. Frequently let her know that you appreciate all she does.

• LISTEN to her! Really hear what she is saying. Off goes the TV, radio, put down you smart phone and with eye-contact… genuinely listen! Don’t be a Mr. Fix-it. When she’s had a bad day, just listen. “I understand how you must feel,” etc. If she needs your help she will ask for it, or you could say, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

• Ask yourself, “How much time do I spend with my wife or partner?” Uninterrupted time means time together must be spent without iPhones and Blackberrys — a conversation about anything except work, money or the children. Gifts are nice but material goods do not and cannot compensate for her not being with you.

• Surprise her with a very special “date night!” Spend a minimum of two hours alone. Focus on having FUN together!

• Be reliable. When you say you will do something… do it. And, the sooner the better. Larry’s NOTE: We guys often want to do things at our own speed. That is one of the quickest ways to cause your partner to feel unappreciated.

• Take the time to inquire about the important aspects of her life. Ask questions.

flirt• Flirt! It’s a great way to spark a “romantic” connection.

• Pay attention to her! While it may feel like women might expect guys to remember everything, the more you love her by paying closer attention to her, the more you will learn about her likes and dislikes. The next time you offer her strawberry ice cream and she’s told you a dozen times she doesn’t like strawberry you lose a couple of points and she feels “not paid attention to.”

• NEVER comment on her weight except to say how thin and beautiful she looks. Or… say nothing. Larry’s NOTE: Ladies, PLEASE stop asking, “Does this dress make me look fat?” It’s a trick question that is sure to cause disappointment (or worse)!

• Tell her you love her. Often. Women need to hear the actual words.

Consider this a list to help you get started. Guys, make your own list. Or, women… make more suggestions by posting your ideas in the comments section below.

Larry’s NOTE: A special “Thank you!” to Karen Larson, Editor of Bottom Line Personal for the inspiration for this article!

HeartCoupleCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

10 Facts About Women That Seem to Escape Most Men

Filed under: Communication,Confusion,For Men Only,Guest Authors — Larry James @ 8:00 am
Tags: ,

Mary Edwards, Guest Author

Despite all the daytime talk show hoopla and the myriad books on the subject, this whole Venus vs. Mars philosophy about the differences between the sexes seems to have eluded most men. Unfortunately, they just don’t get it. Communication issues can almost always be attributed to this language barrier, and it usually boils down to a lack of comprehension on the part of the men. Here are ten facts about women that men just can’t seem to grasp:

confused man1. The emotional factor – Women are driven more by emotion than by logic. Therefore a man cannot win an argument merely by being technically right. In fact, it is a study in futility to attempt to use reason when discussing a subject that has an emotional nature.

2. Using white lies – A woman values sincerity and good communication above all else. It is not, however, the occasion for honesty when she asks, “Do these jeans make my butt look too big?” There is only one answer to this question. It isn’t “yes”.

3. The catcall – As incredible as this might seem, women don’t instantly fall for guys who yell and whistle at them from moving vehicles. Try as you might, your catcalls and hand waving will be to no avail. These are not acceptable examples of public displays of affection.

MarsVenusonaDate

Click cover for info!

4. The art of conversation – Women tend to enjoy extended conversations about deep topics, often using a multi-syllabic vocabulary. Grunts and hand gestures are for the most part not regarded as effective dialogue, despite men’s best efforts at making them so.

5. Bodily functions – Though there are some notable exceptions, for the vast majority of women fart noises aren’t generally considered to be the height of comedic genius. Go figure. Something to keep in mind when selecting a date movie.

6. Retail therapy – Women don’t just shop for things; they shop for therapy, for socializing, and for sales. Whereas a man might spend $10 for a $5 item that he really wants, a woman will buy a $10 item that she doesn’t even need if it’s on sale for five bucks.

7. Despite your best efforts, you will change – Men expect women to accept them as they are, and want them to never change. Women marry men with the intention of changing them, and expect men to accept that they will change too.

8. Silence isn’t golden – Those times of silence that men enjoy so much as periods of relaxation? Women regard them as breakdowns in communication, and wish that their men would talk out their issues more with them.

9. Intimate motivations – The old cliché is true: men use intimacy to gain sex with women, while women hope that sex will earn them intimacy with men. This dichotomy is never more apparent than in their polar opposite views about foreplay. Women expect a fair amount of it, while men believe that the aforementioned fart noises qualify for it.

10. The gay friend gets it – Men are often puzzled at how women can relate so well to, and enjoy the company of, their gay male friends. A woman’s gay friend gets all that love because, unlike other men she knows, he “gets” all of the above.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – www.BestDatingSites.org/blog. Reprinted with permission.

Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

5 Conversation Killers to Avoid When Talking to Women

Filed under: Communication,For Men Only,Guest Authors — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags:

The Art of Suave, Guest Author

Years of coaching and observing men interacting with women has helped us to identify many things that will instantly KILL a guy’s chance of continuing a conversation with a woman.

shyguy

Don’t be a Sammy Shy Guy!

Today, I am going to talk about 5 key elements that can kill a conversation with women that you’re interested in. Whether your on a date or meeting for the first time, these are a must know.

1. Not using humor in your conversation.

We all like to laugh, right? We all enjoy the company of someone who can make us laugh?

When we laugh it makes us happy, gives us a sense of life and enjoyment, reminding us not to take everything so seriously. The fastest way to make a woman feel good and comfortable with you is to make her laugh. When a woman is bored and not enjoying herself, don’t be expecting anything special to happen from her side. I always tell my clients to this of it like a mirror. What ever you give is what you are going to get back. If you’re a positive, fun and outgoing guy, what do you think you will get back?

Without some form of humor, your conversation will seem very one-dimensional and limited. This is why it is a common desire for a woman to “want a guy who can make them laugh”.

2. Failing to listen.

This is critical. At this point, it is cliché to say, “You have to listen.” But, something so obvious is a very big problem for men, especially when they run out of things to say. The reason this happens is a failure to listen to the woman you are conversing with.

Guys who struggle to keep conversations going spend more time thinking about how the conversation is going and what to say, rather than listening to the woman. This prevents the guy from using his natural intelligence to come up with something ‘half decent’ to add to the conversation. When you talk with your family and friends, you listen to what they say right? And how easy is it to continue the conversation?

ManWhisperingThe best conversationalists listen to the other person and expand on what they have heard with questions, other related topics, and even jokes. These guys listen and then expand on the conversation, rather then being stuck in their head thinking what to say next. Women enjoy talking to someone who is actually listening to them.

3. Worrying about what she will think.

Typically a lot of guys who know they struggle with a conversation choose to say nothing to a woman rather than take the risk of possibly saying something that isn’t interesting. They complain that conversation is too hard and that women are difficult to talk to.

It is important to understand that women are difficult to talk to if you are speaking in the wrong way. One of the things that cause awkwardness is worrying what she will think of what you’re saying. Holding back when in a conversation because you are afraid of what a woman will think will only guarantee that she will not be interested in talking to you.

4. Being overly pleasant or too nice.

In the dating world women can sometimes perceive excessive flattery to be fake and an attempt at being nice. Remember that you should never try too hard to be nicer or more pleasant than you usually are when you talk to women. She will sense this and it will end up working against you.

5. Not flirting at all or enough

A man who doesn’t flirt with women will be seen as just a friend, never anything more. Flirting is not just a recommendation in conversations with women, it is essential!

Copyright © 2012 – The Art of Suave. The Art of Suave is a leading team of lifestyle and social dynamics coaches. Our goal is to help Australian men succeed when it comes to meeting and interacting with women through a series of PUA bootcamp and workshop experiences.

Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Saturday, April 2, 2011

What Was I Thinking? – For Men Only!

Filed under: For Men Only,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Even the most intelligent, cautious, well-minded people are not immune to occasional blunders. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… or that you could crawl into a hole?

She looks at him and says, “Does this dress make me look fat?” And I said, “You look terrific. You have such a pretty face.” She went on, “Thanks, but does it make me look fat?” And I said (in the most loving way I could), “You could stand to lose a couple of pounds!” or “How much do you weigh now?” or “Round IS a shape!”

Whatever possessed you to say things like that? Zip your lip! Some things are better left unsaid!

Hmmm. What was I thinking? Wrong answers. Pretty face? That is something you usually say to people who are overweight, suggesting that if they would only lose a few pounds, the rest of their body would look great too.

Guys do not want to listen to a girl’s insecurities about her body. She’ll make you wait 2 months for sex for that.

OR. . . Only touch, cuddle, or pay attention to your wife or partner when you are interested in sex. This is really really dumb. It screams, “Honey, I am really only interested in one thing. Otherwise, I don’t really find you all that interesting or enjoyable to be with.”

“Honey, are you staying on your diet?” Oops . . . I’’ll spend a few days in the doghouse for that one.

Words can make or break us, hurt or heal us.

After a guy’s wife lost a lot of weight he said, “You sure were one big girl.” Hmmm. He tried to compliment his wife for her weight loss but he blew it. He didn’t realize that she now knows how he really felt about her with those extra pounds. You have no idea how sensitive most women are about their weight, and as such making them feel worse about it is really not a good idea.

“You are being overly sensitive!” You should not say this because in their mind you are probably not being sensitive enough. At the same time it again implies that the problem is not valid.

Never look at another women (while you are with your partner) and say, “WoW! She’s hot!” She may take this as meaning hotter than her. While you may not associate these two statements as being on the same tier of stupidity, when she hears them as, “You’re not enough for me.”

opps!“Honey can we talk?” “Can it wait until the commercials come on, I’m watching the game.” What was I thinking?

“You aren’t going to wear that, are you?” “Absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.”

“Are you acting like this because of PMS?”

“When is your baby due?” She said, I”m not pregnant!”

Ask yourself, “Do I compliment rather than criticize?”

Fighting over the dumbest things possible is called. . . stupid!

Sitting on the couch all day while your wife or partner is doing everything around the house is called. . . stupid!

We tend to seek out information that confirms our beliefs, but we ignore information that suggests we might be wrong. When we make a choice, we also make an emotional investment in that choice. Once we’ve done that, our minds try to protect us emotionally by deflecting any evidence that the choice might not be the right choice.

“We’ve always done it that way,” doesn’t mean we shouldn’t consider doing it different. There isn’t time to reconsider ever preference, habit and choice. Trouble is, we often assume that our previous choices must still be the right choices, rather than just the easy choices. When you catch yourself about to do something in the same way you’ve “always done it,” pause to reflect on whether it’s a good time for reevaluation.

Still thinking about making some positive changes? I hope so. . . and so does your partner!

“A year from now you may wish that you started today.” ~ Karen Lamb

Do you treat your partner the way you would treat your best friend? If not. . . why not?

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Don’t Cheat! Have an Affair With Your Wife/Husband!

Filed under: For Men Only,For Women Only,Guest Authors,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Barbara J. PetersBarbara J. Peters, Guest Author

Go ahead, have an affair. No, really.

Infidelity is one of the more difficult problems facing married couples today. In my practice I see many couples trying to work through the hurt and pain of being the victim of a deceitful relationship. In one such counseling session I suddenly thought “why not have an affair with each other.”

Men and women cheat for different reasons, but if they can find what they need from each other no one has to be hurt. Think about what things you could do to bring the excitement, spontaneity, sexual desire and feeling of being loved into your marriage with a twist: that of an affair with your spouse. It might take some creativity but the results could prove very rewarding.

Studies have shown nearly half of all marriages end in divorce; it’s no wonder so many people are opting to stay single these days. The truth is that there is no one reason why married people have affairs, but rather a whole constellation of factors paving the road to infidelity. But, with the right tools and attitudes, marriages can endure the test of time, flourish and even exceed expectations.

Many problems within a marriage focus on communication or the lack of it, but often one of the most difficult obstacles for couples to overcome is infidelity. At a recent counseling session, I was working with a couple trying to deal with the husband’s infidelity. Suddenly I asked the wife, “Why don’t you have an affair with your husband?” The look of surprise on both faces matched my own.

roseflirtMost of us expect monogamy to be a normal part of marriage or any committed relationship. The reality is monogamy is not the norm. Why not play the part of a mistress to add new dimensions to your marriage? It just might stave off wanderings, by you or your partner.

While many may feel self-conscious or even a little foolish while role-playing a part, once into it, magic will happen. Suppressed feelings or emotions can explode and ignite fireworks long forgotten. Need a primer to get started? Here’s a road map to help you reap the pleasures of having an affair with your husband and some useful tips about becoming the “other woman” in your marriage.

Excitement

Acting on the sly always brings an adrenaline rush, even with your husband. Create lost excitement in your marriage with secret lovemaking in new places, away from home. Never discuss your clandestine rendezvous; after all, you are meeting a secret lover and don’t want your husband to know! Send provocative text messages at the most unpredictable times.

Leave love notes in his car, on his mirror, in the refrigerator – all unlikely places to look for love. The anticipation of your tantalizing rendezvous will excite your man more than you will ever know. Tease him about what you will be wearing, or won’t be. Anticipation thrills men and is much like foreplay for women. Men are intrigued by the devilish mind games and images created by you.

Falling in Love

Those first few days of falling in love always remind us happy memories we want to experience over and over again. Recreate the past when you waited with excitement for his call or to take his arm. Gaze at him with loving eyes, touch him lightly and tell him how wonderful, smart and adorable he is. Laugh at his jokes and tell him how you love his sense of humor. Explore something new about your partner, as there is always something to discover.

Sex

flirtlegundertableThis pleasurable act often becomes boring and ritualistic with a spouse, but with a new partner often brings new awakenings. Most men try affairs because they want sexual conquest – you can be that conquest. Play a role opposite what he thinks you are. Try a washable tattoo in a sexy place, become a blond bombshell or surprise your husband with a peek at your passionate side by hiring a boudoir photographer.

Fantasies are fun, but you must first find out what his fantasies are. That’s where sexy talk will ease your way. Flirt with your husband, especially in public. Touch and tease him under the table at a restaurant. Whisper in his ear that you are ready for the hottest night of your life.

Finally, remember how wonderfully blissful you felt when you were dating, courting and walking down the aisle on your wedding day. Remember that feeling of love and the intense desire to be with your husband forever. Get out your wedding pictures and experience those emotions all over again. You’ll be more ready for an affair with your husband (or wife).

Copyright © 2010 – Barbara J. Peters. Barbara J. Peters is a licensed professional counselor providing couples therapy in Cumming, Georgia. She is the author of “Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts.” Visit her website at www.BJPCounseling.com and www.TheGiftOfaLifetime.net.

Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Why Women Are Different From Men & Vice Versa!

Filed under: For Men Only,For Women Only,Relationships,Video — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Amanda Gore, Guest Author

Hmmm. Thought you might like a chance to laugh at ourselves! – Larry James

Copyright © 2010 – Amanda Gore. Visit Amanda’s Website at: http://www.AmandaGore.com/

Larry’s books: “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

For Men Only – Have No Undelivered Communication!

Filed under: Communication,For Men Only — Larry James @ 7:00 am

When you have a problem, not communicating with your partner about it sends a message of its own. She then gets to make up what she thinks the non-spoken messages convey. Women are skilled in this activity.

She might conclude that you do not love her as much as you used to. She might decide you just do not care anymore. HER lesson is to understand that when you do talk, it is time to honor YOUR feelings and just listen. On the other hand – what is she supposed to think? You won’t talk! You often totally close down at the most inopportune times, sometimes because you don’t know what to say or how to say it.

Maybe you are afraid you might appear weak, or she might lose respect for you, and on and on. Maybe it is because every time you do allow yourself to become vulnerable enough to talk, she butts in with HER feelings!

blahblahThe typical woman has a need to verbalize, communicate, declare, express, vent, chatter, discuss, dialogue and debate the problem; she needs to continue to talk about it until she is finished talking about it. To her, this means she cares. It is the way SHE solves problems. YOUR lesson is to know that this is the way she is.

When you do decide to talk, request that she only listen and hear you out. Let her know you will be willing to listen to how SHE feels at another time. Speak up. Do the thing you fear to do and the death of fear is certain.

What you can talk about heals; it no longer holds you prisoner.

Be sure what you say to your sweetheart is worthy of her listening! Not just more of your, “Blah, blah!”

“If you can’t say it with, “Blah!” – don’t say, “Blah, blah!” ~ Don Hutson

Being emotionally honest and having intimate conversations can cause you to feel vulnerable. Show her you really care. . . talk to her. Be a real man, a man who communicates with his lover. In every scenario there are at least two lessons – one for her and one for you.

couple2You begin making love to your partner when you give her a smile, tell her she looks and smells good and by declaring a cheery, “Good morning!” It continues when you take a moment from your work at the office and give her a brief phone call, one that says, “I was thinking about you!” Perhaps we could call this, all-day foreplay! If you always expect this variety of kindness to lead to sex, you are missing the point.

Being there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on and being a committed listener, one who offers her your complete attention when she only wants to talk, is all part of being a good love partner. Paying sincere compliments, equally sharing household responsibilities and being her best friend is not just being good to her to get what you want! It expresses love.

Women can detect insincerity a mile away. When you offer her your complete attention, you give her a wonderful gift. You call attention to the fact that you respect her as a woman and your friend without demanding anything in return.

Your love partner must be the song in your heart. She must come before all else. She needs someone who will always be there for her. She deserves the best, most wholesome and healthy lover you can be. She wants you to take care of yourself. She needs the kind of lover she can count on to watch after her needs.

If you want to receive what you need from her, (appreciation, acceptance and trust), then you must give her what she needs, (affection, understanding and most of all, RESPECT). These are only a few of our most primary needs. When the relationship is fine-tuned and on target, the sensual music you make together is the kind of music that inspires commitment, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love.

couple1It is time you realize the magic of those spontaneous moments, like blowing her a kiss from across the room or taking her hand, kissing it and telling how much you love her. Although they have no sexual overtones, she will feel the tenderness of the moment. Perhaps she will remember it when you are making love by whispering how special it made her feel. She may even allow it to inspire her. You will feel appreciated and, in time, your thankfulness for being appreciated will show up in more reciprocal tenderness from her.

Become intentionally spontaneous. Make time for the feeling to strike you. Think of ways you can make her feel special. Never take for granted the lingering magic of those sudden impulses to recognize your lover for who she is.

Women can often tell a man’s interest in them by the length of his attention span. It’s one thing to pay attention and quite another to continue to pay attention until she has had her say. Make sure your eyes are on her! Give her as much time as she needs to say what is in her heart. Totally focus on what she is saying and stay quiet.

She wants your attention. Give it to her! She needs to know you are really hearing what she is saying. Listen to her! Don’t try to fix anything. . . only listen, then (choosing your words very carefully) acknowledge that she has been heard.

Guys. . . PLEASE! No more undelivered communication!

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Thursday, July 8, 2010

For Men Only – More Housework. . . More Intimacy!

Filed under: Chores,For Men Only,Housework,Intimacy — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Feeling frisky. . . but no action! Okay, guys. . . pay attention!

coupleinbedConstance Gager, Ph.D., in a study of 6,877 married couples says, “For both husbands and wives, doing more work around the house increases the likelihood of having more intimacy together.

Possible reason: Spouses who divide the housework have more time and energy for sex. . . and working hard may signal a commitment to the home and marriage.

What to do: Share household work as well as other tasks in a way that satisfies both partners.”

poofLarry’s Note: Guys. . . it’s time to get serious about sharing the housework. Nowhere is it written that housework should be only and always a woman’s job. (And the women all say, “Amen!”). Being hedonistic in the boudoir keeps love alive! Foreplay begins with taking out the garbage without being asked!

Someone once said that women often fake orgasm because men fake foreplay! Couples who thrive in their experience of each other strive to seek the balance necessary for both to find mutual pleasure in their lovemaking. Both take full responsibility for getting what they want and giving what their partner needs.

washingdishes2A woman needs to feel loved to make love. Women need emotional support to be able to offer sexual release for a man. A man needs to make love to feel loved. Men need sexual release to be able to offer emotional support to women. Sexual communication is not only about expressing yourself. It is also about being received; being understood. Somewhere in between, there is balance.

Negotiate. Offer to meet the other half way to get your needs and the needs of the relationship met. Learn to respect and honor the differences. Vive la différence?

loveheartonfireUntil you have the courage and the commitment to fully engage in your relationship, to be so intentional about it that it becomes the highest priority in your life, genuine intimacy cannot occur. Sexual intimacy of the highest order only occurs when the heat of passion melts the barriers around your hearts. With the freedom to pursue that special closeness only committed partners know, two hearts will meld together in a dance of Divine love.

The passion of your relationship and your commitment to it will express itself in all other areas of your life, with family, friends and business associates. It spills over into everything you do. Every joy shared brings more love and loving. The enthusiasm you have for loving one another shines for the whole world to see.

The love, irrepressible desire and passion you share have their way of expressing generously back into the relationship and to all those around you. Happiness is catching.

Partners who are committed to spreading the joy of a healthy relationship will be more intentionally inclined and confidently dedicated to continue to work together. An additional reward is experiencing the erotic pleasures that become available in the sanctuary of the boudoir.

Note: Constance Gager is Assistant Professor, Family and Child Studies at Monteclair State University in Montclair, New Jersey.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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