Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Get Your “But” Out of the Way

Filed under: Criticism,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am
Tags: , , ,

The number one problem in relationships is communication! The most cruel part is undelivered communication. In other words, its the things that we don’t say that also makes a difference.

New Rule: Do not have any undelivered communication!

get-your-butHere is an important idea – one that may sound trivial – that you may not have considered. I wrote about this at length in my book, “How to Really Love the One You’re With.”

Do your best to avoid the word “but” when you feel the need to be critical of your partner. “But” is a transition word that signals, “Stop! Turn in another direction.”

beNICEMost partners won’t remember what you said before the “but” – only what you said after it.

Example: “I love you, but I wish you would remember to take out the garbage.” They don’t hear the “I love you” part.

Example: “Honey, the dinner was great, but you know I don’t like cream peas.” or “I love you, but I wish you would quit leaving beer cans all over the living room.” That’s sound a lot like nagging.

I saw a quote on Facebook recently that said, “Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months.” 😉

Suggestion: Substitute a soft word like, “and.”

Example: “Your presentation to the group was terrific “and” next time you might think about adding ______.”

It takes a little practice and may sound a little strange the first several times you use “and” instead of “but,” AND (not but) it will make a difference. Just a thought.

loveoneanotherCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Give Up Whine!

Filed under: Criticism,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

In relationships there is no fine whine.

nowhiningGet a grip. Whining does not work. Neither does dissing, griping, nagging, complaining, ranting and raving. Especially if it always about the same old thing. Enough with the complaining about your significant other! Stop it! Whining is a nasty, vile sport!

Are you a full time whiner? Instead of complaining, think of ways that you can make the situation better and start doing those things to put your plan into action,

WhineandcheesseThe more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Do you want to get closer to the one you love? Whining about your mate pushes you further from the one you love.

Here is my best tip: Practice the “three Cs.” Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Constantly complaining is a form of whining. It is also often called “nagging.” By complaining, condemning, or criticizing, you are placing the blame on other people, and not doing anything to further the goals of the relationship. Someone who constantly ridicules, criticizes, and condemns demonstrates one the seven characteristics of an abuser.

Hostility in intimate relationships increases your risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, sudden death, and suppresses your immune system. It is much better to choose your words carefully, put some love in your voice and look for a solution. When you learn to focus on the good things about your partner, and simultaneously begin attending to the neglected areas of your own life, the other person will often begin to miraculously improve on their own.

First, take a close look at yourself. Is there anything that you can do to adapt or change your attitude about what it is you feel compelled to criticize? Work on the best way to prevent the mistakes from reoccurring without arousing resentment or hurting your partner’s feelings. Start there.

ThouShaltNotWhineOne more thing. . . its human nature to sometimes complain about your partner however, venting your relationship problems to your friends will only make them dislike your partner. It can sabotage your relationship. Complaining about your partner also puts a negative light on you and your relationship to other people.

Complaining does nothing positive for you. All it offers is a lot of wasted energy and a way for you to be even more unhappy and possibly lead you to more complaining.

If you’re constantly complaining to your partner about their actions, then don’t be surprised if nothing changes and that one of you mentally checks out of the relationship before it’s officially over.

Quiet, please. Instead, catch your partner doing something right and shower them with praise, adoration and loads of Love!

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Simply the Best!

Filed under: Appreciation,Compliments,Criticism,Relationships — Larry James @ 12:01 am
Tags: , ,

Compliments given with sincerity are a genuine gift of love. Offer them often. Be generous with praise for your partner. Catch them doing something right. Let them know you noticed. The road to prosperity in relationships is paved with a commitment to generosity toward your partner.

We feel closest to people who cause us to feel good about ourselves. There is absolutely no room for “constructive” criticism in a healthy love relationship. Constructive means to build up. The intent of criticism is to tear down. Those two words do not fit together at all.

Criticism by its very nature is only and always destructive, not constructive. Try constructive compliments instead; expressions of love straight from the heart. Those words will be music to your partner’s ears. Some might call it “ear candy!”

“When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.” – Helen Rowland

Perhaps all of us would be better off if we would take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

People don’t change because they are criticized. They change when the relationship is nurtured with warmth and goodwill that inspires them to please their partner.

Appreciation is on the list of top ten needs for most people.

Read: “Relationship Slump Busters

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Author and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

Sunday, August 16, 2009

LoveNote. . .

Filed under: Coaching,Criticism,Relationships — Larry James @ 12:01 am
Tags: , , ,

lovenotesRarely does anyone get what they need from a relationship when their only intention is to criticize their lover for mistakes or to offer assistance that is not asked for. – Larry James

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Author and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Filed under: Criticism,Relationships,Video — Larry James @ 12:01 am

Many years ago I took the Dale Carnegie course for public speaking and my life has never been the same since. An important part of the course were the “3 C’s;” Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain.

We all do it. Some of us do it without even thinking about the consequences. It is only and always a mistake. It can undermine the trust of our partner and cause them to see us as negative, disloyal and worse. No one wants to be known as a constant complainer.

complain“Oh!” but you say, “I was only offering constructive criticism.” I hate to pop your bubble but there is no such thing as constructive criticism. In a healthy love relationship there is absolutely no room for what some people call constructive criticism.

Perhaps this may shed some new light on the subject. Constructive means to build up. The intent of criticism is to tear down. Those two words do not fit together at all.

Criticism by its very nature is only and always destructive, not constructive. Try constructive compliments instead. We might call them expressions of love straight from the heart. Those words will be music to your partner’s ears. Some might call it “ear candy!”

peanutscriticismWe feel closest to people who cause us to feel good about ourselves. Compliments given with sincerity are a genuine gift of love. Offer them often. Be generous with praise for your partner. Catch them doing something right. Let them know you noticed.

The road to prosperity in relationships is paved with a commitment to generosity toward your partner.

Perhaps all of us would be better off if we would take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

People don’t change because they are criticized. They change when the relationship is nurtured with warmth and goodwill that inspires them to please their partner. Appreciation is on the list of top ten needs for most people.

Don’t waste your time condemning the behavior or beliefs of your partner or constantly calling attention to their mistakes. When you do, the differences between you become more pronounced and the separation and loss of intimacy grow. Dealing with your differences is where true compatibility begins.

thinkhappyThose who put others down to feel better themselves often resort to other bad behavior to feel better themselves too. Never allow anyone to condemn you, ridicule your choices, or criticize whom you choose to be. Your best choice is to just walk away.

By complaining, condemning, or criticizing, you are placing the blame on other people, and not doing anything to further the goals of the relationship. Someone who constantly ridicules, criticizes, and condemns demonstrates one the seven characteristics of an abuser.

It is much better to choose your words carefully, put some love in your voice and look for a solution. First, take a close look at yourself. Is there anything that you can do to adapt or change your attitude about what it is you feel compelled to criticize? Work on the best way to prevent the mistakes from reoccurring without arousing resentment or hurting your spouse’s feelings. Start there.

When your partner expresses a complaint, grievance or criticism, rather than argue the point, listen nondefensively. Rather than counter attack, search for some small part with which you can agree, and acknowledge it. If an apology is called for, offer it. Listening nondefensively can put a damper on an argument expeditiously. Now you can work on a solution together.

When you complain, you’re using your power to reinforce and magnify whatever you are complaining about. For what good reason would you want to feed more energy into something you don’t want?

Studies show that 30% of employees performance improve after criticism HOWEVER 90% improve after praise. I’m guessing that the statistics would be about the same for relationships if we all tried to praise our partner more often. Catch them doing something right.

Your assignment today – if you decide to accept it – is to go for at least 24 hours without complaining, condemning, or criticizing anyone!

Most of the time when we complain a lot, we’re avoiding what we really need to feel. When we find ourselves griping about something outside of us, it’s a good sign that we haven’t addressed something inside. In the video below, Gabrielle Bernstein offers some great tips on how to stop complaining…

BONUS Article: When Was the Last Time You Complimented Your Partner?

Your comments are always welcome!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: