Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Friday, November 17, 2017

Moving From Whiner to Winner

Filed under: Attitude,Change,Relationships,Video — Larry James @ 10:30 am

Landmark Forum Leader David Cunningham recently appeared on ABC TV’s Good Morning Washington to talk about complaining, at how one can take powerful actions that can make a difference with complaints.

Copyright 2017 ~ David Cunningham. https://www.landmarkforumnews.com/tag/david-cunningham/

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ comment. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Thursday, March 12, 2015

“Don’t Change! I Love You Just the Way You Are!”

Is this something you may have heard before? Hmmm. I doubt it.

DontChangeOh, but if we could all say this and that it were the truth.

I guessing that for some of you, if you ever heard that statement, it might bring up all the things that you secretly know about yourself that could (and probably should) be changed – and if they were, would better contribute to a more healthy and happy relationship.

Others might begin to think about all the things that they think their partner thinks about them. We all have stuff that should be changed.

No one is perfect. We all have things about ourselves and things that annoy us about our partner that we wish they would change. It may not make much sense, but sometimes, annoyances come in the smallest packages.

• Not putting the toilet seat down. (It’s purely a matter of respect).
• Rolling the toilet paper the wrong way. (Have two bathrooms? Problem solved!)
• Leaving clothing for your partner to pick up. (It’s also a matter of respect).
• Stopping smoking or not taking your smoke break anywhere but in the house.
• Invalidating your partner’s feelings. (“I hate my job!” ~ “You shouldn’t feel that way.”)
• When your partner speaks… you LISTEN!
• Not remembering to say, “I love you,” at least once each day!
• Being constantly late for everything.
• Raising your voice and holding on to being “Right!”
• Nagging. (Men AND woman are guilty of this one)
• Knowing you will be late, and not calling your partner to tell her/him!
• Not giving your partner a romantic HUG at least once a day.
• Not being man enough to stop and ask for directions!
• Saying you’re fine when you’re obviously not fine.
• Not thinking before you speak. Weight your words before you say them ~ especially if you are angry.
• Not giving your partner some space when they need it.
• Having unrealistic expectation about your relationship.
• Saying, “I’ll do it later,” which means one or two weeks from now.
• Shutting down and not talking when you are angry and when your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” you say, “Nothing!”
• Not saying, “I’m sorry,” when you know you are wrong or did something that disappoints your partner.
• Spending too much time on your computer and not enough time with your partner.
• Not doing your share of the household chores. (Guys: Women rarely argue with a man who is doing chores!) 😉
• Not taking your partner out to dinner and not leaving your cell phone at home.
• Listening with empathy when your partner has had a bad day. Just listening, not being a Mr. or Mrs. Fix-It!
• Talking down to your partner.
• Drinking directly out of the orange juice carton.
• Rejecting all your partner’s compliments. (When your partner compliments you, all you have to do is smile and say, “thank you.” That’s it.)

Hmmm. The above list are a few of the little things that often piss us off! Some might say some of them are not so little. 😉 They show up frequently in my coaching sessions. Most are petty issues. After a while your irritability level goes up and even minor mistakes are more than you can take. If you spend much time with anybody then you are bound to eventually be annoyed by the small things. Sometimes it’s important to consider the matter so trivial it isn’t worth the discord it causes. The trick is to look beyond those petty annoyances and see the real person that’s there – the person you say you love.

toilet-roll-2Take a deep breath, bite your tongue, and think logically before starting an argument about something. Begin by asking myself “Does it really matter?” or “Am I just overreacting?” Give others the benefit of the doubt as much as you can. Carefully choose the things you argue about. How you argue – especially how you end an argument – can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. Expressing your feelings is fine, but finesse is required. If something your partner does annoys you more that 2 or 3 times, it’s time to talk about it.

“You have to color outside of the lines once in a while if you want to make your life to be a masterpiece.” ~ Albert Einstein

In other words, there must be some changes you both can make to make your relationship a masterpiece. Working together. Setting aside your petty differences and focusing on doing whatever it takes to create the kind of relationship you both can be happy in; one that allows forgiveness and a commitment to make and keep some mutually beneficial new promises.

Promise each other that there will be no “undelivered communication!” Withholding important conversation from your partner nearly always proves to be the destructive force behind the, “My partner will not listen to me!” or “My partner will not talk to me” complaint.

Instead of complaining, deliver the communication – in a loving way – to your partner. The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It’s the things we don’t communicate because the last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn’t take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it’s not about the garbage. Your ability to communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond with your partner, but if nothing changes, you’ll be having the same conversations again in a week.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.

It’s important to come up with a plan for what needs to change. If you stop there and do nothing else, you’ll still be doing better than the average yelling match. However, if you want to be sure that this becomes a habit, reward yourselves. Cuddling, watching a movie, or having good old-fashioned makeup sex are all positive ways to end an argument on a happy note. Remember to say, “I love you,” and give a long, heart-felt hug.

It’s the little things we do for each other that help the relationship grow!

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

BONUS Articles: The Truth About Relationship Expectations
Relationship Rescue: How To Negotiate The ‘Small Stuff’

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Is it Time to Push the “Reset” Button?

If your relationship is not gaining ground… you could begin again (with the same partner)!

Be warned: Once a choice is made to end the relationship no amount of coaching, no communication techniques will make the relationship work unless – you and your partner make the decision that you want to have a relationship with your partner and decide how you want to make it work. If you can make that decision then you have taken the first brave step toward a new and exciting future together.

ReSetIn relationships, you get do-overs! In between there and back to normal, is forgiveness, and then it’s making new promises, designing new intentions and doing whatever it takes to make it work. That’s right, “whatever it takes!” Be determined to push through the rough times together.

We’ll call this do over, “pushing the reset button.” It’s beginning again with a serious intention to keep your commitments, no matter what. It’s a corrective phase that you move into only when you are both willing.

You should know this by now: “This is the only way it will work!” Do nothing… nothing changes!

You spoil everything when you promise to “change” then go back to doing the same old stuff that caused the problem in the first place. There was no change in behavior. Your actions spoke louder than your words. You can change your thinking, however, nothing significantly happens until you change your behavior.

When you are both in agreement and you hit reset, you start all over. You begin again! Forgive the things behind you and ‪press forward. There is no “forgive and forget!” You may remember, and when you do you must also remember that you have forgiven. Once forgiven, there is nothing else to go back to or to concern yourself about. You both promise not to allow those things to corrupt your relationship ever again.

‬It’s time to make new promises, keep them and never renege. Together you must focus on the future and let go of the past. It’s time to get to know each other. Allow your partner to get to know you, really know you. Remember, knowing another person is a complicated matter. The process of becoming genuinely intimate is both scary and challenging. It requires patience, letting go of the things you cannot change and celebrating your differences. It takes a commitment to adjust, alter and accommodate for one another. It means learning together, more about what it takes to genuinely Love someone and confidently know that they love you.

reset-300x293Would that make your day better?

“The only caveat is, the button isn’t magical. It’s not like waving a magic wand and your life changes in the blink of an eye. By pressing this button you agree to think and act differently, to have that picture of your ideal life in your mind’s eye, then start thinking and acting as if you are living that life right now. Put your hand on your heart and vow to do whatever it takes to change your life.” ~ Laurie Hayes

Resetting a relationship requires you to give it serious mental and creative energy in the slowing down and starting over. Now that you’ve read this article, you know one way or another that what you must do. If you are absolutely miserable, unfulfilled, and not being true to yourself, return from the dark side and step into the Light. A brighter future together is possible!

Now… have a intimate conversation with your partner about beginning again. If you took the first step, what would your relationships look like? If you need help, call the Coach!

BONUS Articles: 74 Ways to Push the Reset Button
Five Promises of Radical Commitment
Together… Until the Love Runs Out

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Change is Good. And… Inevitable!

Harold W. Becker, Guest Author

It is funny that we tend to avoid and often fear change, even though it is the one constant and guaranteed aspect of life. Change is happening every moment both within and around us. From the atomic structure of the cells of our bodies to the celestial heavens of galaxies spiraling through galaxies, change is forever an aspect of energy in motion.

Yet, how do we view personal change, as positive growth or negative setbacks? Do we embrace change with open arms or fear the loss of control, routine, and sense of security we perceive in the status quo?

ChangeISgoodWe can turn within and allow ourselves to go-with-the-flow and make true inner changes and choices in our personal understanding for a more enjoyable and easier navigation of our everyday lives. Embracing change with conscious awareness of change itself rewards us with new ideas, potentials and experiences. It is the shift of awareness from reactive to active (and conscious) participation.

In these days of rapidly evolving information, technology and global interaction, for example, we outwardly face a continuous stream of external change. It seems to be happening in all areas of our lives, like changes in health, career, spouses, friends, environment, geographic location, finances, cultural and political shifts, along with lifestyle concerns like nutrition, diet and exercise, and even our unspoken beliefs about death.

It is vital to retain a balanced perspective on life and to willingly embrace change. Although we have a tendency to believe all we see and hear, we are forgetting we are the ones who can and do qualify the energy of life. We qualify it by our thoughts and feelings, perceptions and beliefs. The significance in this realization is that we can affect personal change within our thoughts and feelings and we can also have a more positive impact on the world around us.

Life’s long and winding road can be stunningly beautiful and filled with joyful adventures. It can also be filled with drama, trauma and pain. We hold the key to experiencing either joy or struggle through our choice of intention. Which do you prefer?

Change Allows Us to Evolve…

change-is-the-essence-of-lifeConsciously embracing change is how we evolve. It begins when we start the process of going within and recognizing who we are at a deep level. Rather than solely pursuing our daily outer activities, maintaining stagnant routines, or perpetuating habits of generations, we can learn to tap our highest inner desires and manifest the things that bring us the greatest joy, individually and collectively.

Our unrealized potential is often limited by the beliefs we hold about life. We engage our grandest potential when we empower our thoughts and feelings by living from our heart. We still participate in our daily routine; however we begin to create all new perspectives and understandings. This is simply a matter of becoming aware of where we are placing our attention, and then learning how to change the focus of our attention when we wish to take on a different perspective. We can become solution oriented rather than problem centered. It is our choice.

Ultimately, our life journey is a personal one. Of course we share in our experiences with those around us like a spouse, partner, children, family, friends, co-workers and even strangers that help us to learn about our personal issues and beliefs. We also interact with our pets, environment, careers, culture and many other things in our daily experiences. Each encounter mirrors aspects of our consciousness, whether we are conscious of this or not. The journey can be as easy or as difficult as we desire: the solution is in our willingness to let go, embrace change and evolve our attitudes and perspectives.

The beauty is that our effort to grow and change is often met with new vistas of opportunities presently undreamed of. Things we never considered are now possible and even desirable. As we evolve our consciousness, the old ways of thinking and feeling actually become more dense and difficult to maintain and easier to release. Everything becomes lighter and brighter through a simple act of personal growth, acceptance and self awareness… and of course, unconditional love.

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Copyright © 2014 – Harold Becker. Harold W. Becker has dedicated his life to living and sharing the practical application of unconditional love. Since 1990, his consulting company, Internal Insights, has had its focus to “empower people through self awareness and unconditional love.” In 2000 he founded the globally recognized non-profit, The Love Foundation, Inc., with the intent to “inspire people to love unconditionally.” He blends incredible insight and intuition with humor, compassion and kindness for a strong inspirational and motivational vision in all of his endeavors which also include business, writing, speaking and personal guidance. Visit Harold’s Website: http://www.TheLoveFoundation.com/

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Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Saturday, March 29, 2014

Back to the Future

Filed under: Change — Larry James @ 8:30 am
Tags: , ,

Is your relationship going through a rough spot? Are the good ole days fading fast?

Instead of giving in or giving up… perhaps it’s time to take a look back.

changeCan you remember the good times? To stay motivated during the tough times, take some time to go back in your memory to when you were first together.

If I were betting man, I’d win money that you both have probably stopped doing the things that brought you together in the first place. Am I close?

What was it that first attracted you to your partner? It might help to make a list of those things. (Hmmm. I’m wondering how many of you will actually do this?)

Take a moment and look to see those qualities you loved most back then, right now. Banish any negative thoughts about your partner. Focus on the good, no matter how little good you see now. “Catch them doing something right!” Take care to notice the things you admire about your partner, no matter how small and next, tell them how much you appreciate them.

If you are stuck only seeing the rough spot you will mist likely get more of that. Think about it. If someone you know is always criticising you, most people will begin to pull away from them.

changebehaviorIt’s a fact… The more you focus on the good, the more good you will see. And when you take time to verbally appreciate your partner for the good they are doing, often what happens is the behavior begins to slowly change.

It’s time to take responsibility for your own choices. Healthy relationships demand it. With practice you’ll get better and it won’t feel like you’re hit with a stress bomb every time your relationship or life takes a different turn. The only way the fear and stress will disappear is if you calm down an embrace the unknown. Blaming others justifies your own bad behavior. Blame is like anger in that it dulls your sense of empathy.

I hope you have learned that you cannot change your partner. If you want change in your relationship, you would be wise to initiate that change. Always remember, change begins with “you.”

BONUS Articles: Re-imagine, Re-design and Re-launch Your Relationship!
I Will Not Ask Others to Become Different for Me!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reasons Why

Filed under: Change — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: , , ,

We use reasons to explain away why we don’t want to do something different; reasons why we don’t want to change.

If we know that doing something different might help the situation, not doing something different is called “stupid.” The best reason why has never solved the problem.

Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn’t do something different instead of focusing on results.

It’s time to take responsibility for your own choices. Healthy relationships demand it. With practice you’ll get better and it won’t feel like you’re hit with a stress bomb every time your relationship or life takes a different turn. The only way the fear and stress will disappear is if you calm down an embrace the unknown. Blaming others justifies your own bad behavior. Blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy.

Change isn’t simply about embracing something unknown – it’s about giving up something old for something new, and hopefully much better. It may be a fact that your partner is rude and selfish. It could be an attitude about your partner. Rarely is the thing we want to change the real problem. It’s often how we view the unknown outcome that’s the real problem. Your partner will only change when they choose to change. So many men and women do their best to try to change their partner. That does not and cannot work! People only change because they want to change.

When issues arise in your relationship be brave. Speak up. Undelivered communication can kill a relationship. Thinking about change is starting the ball rolling. Making the decision to change something is the hardest part. The most challenging part is taking action – doing something different. Change only happens because you are brave enough to take action.

If you are expecting others to change you may be in for a big disappointment. You are only in charge of changing you. When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better. If you can learn to become flexible in thought, change your view of the problem and take responsibility for change happening, then who knows what you might achieve.

Perhaps it’s time to give up all the reasons why you don’t change. Changing our response to people means changing how we engage with them. Make some new choices and see what happens.

“We can’t make someone else make an effort [to change]. But we can make smart decisions for our own well-being. This may inspire someone else to change; it might not. Either way, we’ve honored the most important relationship in our lives: the one we have with ourselves.” ~ Lori Deschene

Change your thinking… then change your behavior and you will change your relationships. Embrace change. What you resist persists.

When we make the decision to go for results in our love relationships… that’s the real moment we make a decision to grow (up) and prosper.

BONUS Articles: Why You’re So Afraid of Change (and What You Can Do About It)
Re-imagine, Re-design and Re-launch Your Relationship!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Re-imagine, Re-design and Re-launch Your Relationship!

Filed under: Change,Choice,Communication,Compliments,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: ,

After years of being together sometimes you drift away from the feelings you once had when you were first together. Usually one partner notices it before the other. By the time the other partner realizes what’s happening, the partner who noticed is ready to leave the relationship and there is shock and they are left wondering what happened. Often it is too late.

Change3In my years of relationship coaching I have found that if one partner wants to re-imagine, re-design and re-launch their relationship they can have a profound influence upon the other partner. First realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are and while it works much better when both partners are working on the relationship together you may need to make a commitment to yourself to be working on only changing you. Discover the things you might need to change in yourself before your partner will change. What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner.

First comes conversation. Communicating how you feel about the relationship to your partner often get’s their attention. Open and honest communication can sometimes create an opening for love to be rediscovered. If you’ve not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your partner. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouse about your plan to change and enlist their support. If they don’t take you seriously, begin working on yourself. You don’t need their permission to make changes in you own life. If he or she discloses a desire to change, don’t be so quick to roll your eyes… instead be ready to help and not hinder the process.

Change2While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner. Sometimes it helps to remember what brought you together in the beginning. Never postpone having a conversation with your partner to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating the unhappiness in your relationship. As you learn to express your needs your partner will have a better understanding of who you are. To communicate your feelings may be difficult, but you must communicate. Increase communication and see what happens.

“People will Change only when they feel accepted for who they are. In other words, you need to communicate that you accept your partner just the way they are, flaws and all. At the same time you also ask them to change. The key is how you do that. The best way is to share your needs, wishes and desires with your partner and really let them in on why these are so important to you, and then leave them alone to think about it. Do not make demands. Ultimatums do not work, they only create resentment. You leave it alone and treat your partner like a friend. I am sure that there are a lot of irritants that kind of bug you about some of your good friends, but you let it be, for the sake of the friendship.” ~ Darren Wilk, MA, Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

ChangeBehaviorThere is a line in my romantic wedding ceremony that say, “Relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Never stop doing the things that brought you together in the first place.” That’s a big mistake. Another line reminds the couple, “When times call for you to be apart, may you always return to your togetherness in the same spirit of love that you are feeling in this moment.” In other words, you must focus on the good that has come from being together, not the distress that comes from drifting apart.

Someone once said, “What you think about and speak about, you bring about.” I believe this is true. If you’re playing the blame game; always blaming your partner for the way they have made you feel, you will get more of that. First thing to remember is that no one can get your goat if they don’t know where it’s tied up. They or the circumstance that you are in cannot make you feel bad. You have the choice to feel the way you do at any moment in time. So… wise up. Choose differently.

Begin to discover ways to renew and turn up the love that you had when you were first together. Focus on what you want your relationship to be. Let your imagination run wild. Re-fresh your thinking. Re-duce your complains and catch your partner doing something right… than thank them for being that way.

The frustration of your spouse’s lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.

“How soon should you begin in your effort to address each other’s complaints? My answer: As soon as the complaint is first made. Why wait for a complaint to turn into a demand, or a disrespectful judgment or an angry outburst? Why not deal with the issue immediately, as soon as it is spoken.” ~ Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

The change in a relationship must first occur in your thinking. In a new Northwestern University study, professors Hui, Bond, and Molden studied romantic couples and found that the more you think your partner is “incapable” of changing, the more your partner’s sincere efforts fail to improve the relationship. Conversely, the more you believe your partner is capable of change and trying to improve, the more secure and happy you will feel in your relationship.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~ Rumi

ChangePersonal change and growth can become issues in marriage because man and women develop at different rates. Couples change at different times in life and with different key motivators. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient and kind; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress. in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both partners have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier.

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? Acceptance comes next. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes. Accept that you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own behavior and reactions. Changing your own behavior may sometimes encourage your partner to want to make changes.

I once had a coaching client that accepted my challenge to avoid all criticism for 30 days. She began to “compliment” him instead. Her concern was that she might not be able to find something to compliment him about. When she began paying more attention to him she found that was not the case. Her husband noticed and began to change without her asking him to change.

Consider individual relationship coaching to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future. Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Never leave without telling your partner you don’t think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.

You once told each other that you loved each other. Perhaps it’s time to prove to them just how much you really do love them.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

And You Thought That You Had it Bad…

I want you to know the wisdom of a 19 year old boy who survived Katrina. Do you remember the chaos in New Orleans? He and his family lost everything they owned in that storm.

words-of-wisdom2Bernell Taylor is his name. During his audition for American Idol, Ryan Seacrest asked him, “How do you come back from something like that?” he replied, “It happened. Ya just gotta live after that!”

Please go back and read Bernel Taylor’s response again… No. Forget it. Here it is again:

BernellTaylor

Bernell Taylor

“It happened. Ya just gotta live after that!”

What a terrific attitude!

My wife divorced me! ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

We just had to file bankruptcy! ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

I got fired today! ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

My girlfriend dumped me! ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

Did you see the numbers today! I lost my butt in the stock market! ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

___________________! (fill in the blank!) ~ “Ya just gotta live after that!”

writeyournextchapterI know. It never feels like it’s going to be easy. You know that, don’t you? You’d be right! But at least Bernell’s wisdom gives you hope. It may even cause you to think less of what happened and more about who you are becoming. A brief glimpse into the future… thinking about what might be instead of what has been. HOPE! Does that make better sense to you?

“Ya just gotta live after that!”

You may even discover that there really could be something “after that!”

What’s your banana? What is your “after that?” What is that one thing that you hold on to – that if you could have the courage to let go – would ignite a new spark in you! You finally got it. The fire grows stronger and suddenly “You’ve got the burn!”

When you read that last paragraph, didn’t you feel a little tingle that made you think of what might be? You got to be sick and tired of being sick and tired and you really don’t want to feel that way anymore.

Okay! So stop reading, turn your computer off and begin again. Begin first to count your blessings. You may get more benefit if you would get a note pad and begin to make a “GET ME OUT OF THIS HOLE!!!” bucket list. Come up with a few things that you can do that invites you to look past what got you here, and that will support you in what you’re gonna be up to.

You’re welcome to comment, especially if you’ve never before posted a comment. Tell us 3 benefits that may (or may not) have come from reading and/or being inspired by the article, “And You Thought That You Had it Bad…;” benefits that will assist you in moving on and getting on fire about life again. Very soon you will catch yourself saying, “Watch my SMOKE!!”

American_IdolThat’s all folks! Get busy!

By the way, Bernel Taylor’s audition made me and Mariah Carey cry. Keith Urban was freaking out over Bernell Taylor. It was incredible! One of the best I’ve seen. He sang, “I’m Here,” a song from “The Color Purple” at the Baton Rouge American Idol auditions week (1/25/13). Watch the Burnell Taylor “I’m Here” Video; the video that inspired this article.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Change is Good… Except…

Filed under: Change — Larry James @ 8:30 am
Tags: , ,

When you love someone… never try to change them!

“To achieve the kind of relationship you would like and have never had before, you must become someone you have never been before!” – Larry James

In other words, YOU can change because you choose to change. Your partner will only change when they choose to change. So many men and women do their best to try to change their partner. That does not and cannot work! People only change because they want to change.

Changing how you feel about your relationship and your partner begins with changing how you think about them!

“One of the most loving things you can do for another person is let them make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons and endure in the contrast of a life they don’t really want. People only really change when they’ve hit rock bottom – sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them and be there to help pick up the pieces. Permanent change comes from within, no one can give it to you.” ~ Jackson Kiddard

When we make adjustments in the way we are thinking and being with our love partner, over time they begin to give the appearance of changing; sometimes for the worse, but generally for the better. This is so because as our behavior changes, our attitudes about them also changes. We begin to see them as someone who is doing the best they can and we become more loving toward them.

When you love somebody you love them for what they are not for what you want them to be, without imposing your will and without constantly trying to change them.

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” ~ Wayne Dyer

So if your intention is to change your partner. . . give it up! It won’t happen. What CAN happen is a more loving relationship when YOU are being the change agent for your own attitudes and behavior. What have you got to lose?

BONUS Article: I Will Not Ask Others to Become Different for Me!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Monday, July 9, 2012

Count Your Change

Filed under: Change — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Relationships never move in straight lines. They wander. And create opportunities you’d never expect. Evaluate your progress. Embrace change. Do not resist it. The secret to embracing change is focusing on what you CAN do. The word can’t does not exist in change. ChANge!

happyoldercoupleThe smallest pebble in your shoe will irritate you until you do something about it. Be excited about the changes that occur in your relationship. Learn from them.

If you think you do not have a choice in managing change, think again. The choices you have made in the past have caused the change that brought you to this moment in time.

embracechange“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~ Mary Engelbreit

Do your relationship differently. Your partner may take a while to notice and perhaps even longer to respond. Be patient. Notice small steps in the right direction. Praise improvement. It gives rise to inspiration and encourages them to continue.

Life (and your relationship) is not a snapshot! It’s a moving picture. Notice what changes you are experiencing. Share them with your partner.

Often a change in attitude toward your partner will bring about an attitude of change from your partner. Some partners only change when they feel the heat. Others, when they see the light. The latter is preferable.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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