Perhaps it’s time to get totally honest with yourself. Start holding yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how you feel about the way things are. When you do, you will learn that it is time to stop blaming your former partner and start taking full responsibility for YOUR share of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place.
Relationship problems are NEVER only one person’s fault. If they affect you, the problems are shared problems. If you are together, you can work on them together. If you are alone again, you must work on them alone. While you are single, focus on loving yourself a little more. Of course, you can choose not to, and there are consequences.
When you decide (and only WHEN you decide) to do something different, you must promise yourself (a promise you intend to keep) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of holding on to being right. In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn’t work and begin to do something different.
Is there more you can do? Read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a better way of living. Attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that empower you to change the way you have been. That’s the smart choice because the old way didn’t work very well, did it?
This could also mean dropping a few of your loser friends. You know who they are. Hanging around people who bring you down does not support a healthy love relationship with you or anyone else. Become involved in a support group; one that supports you in being a better you; one that uplifts your spirit.
Begin to journal. Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things “really are” instead of how you “think” they are. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what’s happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. Schedule a few sessions with a relationship coach. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on YOU! Let go of the past.
What are the benefits of working on YOU? One of the rewards for working on you is that you begin to feel good about who you are! You begin to love you again! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to others, but a genuine love-of-self; the kind of love you can share with others.
Loving yourself for who you are causes you to feel like a whole person again. When this occurs, you may be ready for another relationship… when it shows up. Not before. Unless you work toward this magic moment, you may always continue to be disappointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Opposites do not attract. That’s a myth. Remember, like attracts like. You attract to yourself that which you are. You always have. You always will.
If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life – the one you have with yourself – then you will never be able to truly relate to a relationship with two people in it.
We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This is called “losing yourself in the relationship.” This can never be a healthy way of being.
Working on yourself takes discipline, determination and doing something different. For lasting change; the kind of change that makes a difference, you must “change your behavior.”
The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with others takes intentional effort. This, we know is true: “We must work on relationships ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!” Relationships should never become a struggle. They become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load.
It is difficult to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting your love partner down by not giving yourself your full attention. You take care of you – your partner does the same. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you both know how to focus attention on yourselves first. Two broken people can’t fix each other.
You only have the choice to fix you! Use your past relationship to map out what you want and don’t want in your next relationship, but take your time. To invent a new beginning, you must first acknowledge the problems that require solutions. To fix yourself, you must never stray from the path of self-discovery. You must always know where you stand with yourself. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible.
Getting over the heartbreak doesn’t happen overnight. Exercise patience. Your life is not over. It’s not the end of the world. Take your time. When you are ready; when you have given yourself adequate time to prepare for love again… don’t push new love away. A relationship with someone else will be there. You will find each other.
Copyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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