Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Sunday, May 31, 2015

So… What About Bedtime?

Do you both go to bed at the same time?

REL-WhatAboutBedtimeHitting the sack at the same time as your partner could help you feel more in tune with each other. It’s not always easy to match up your sleeping schedules, but couples who do fall asleep together are constantly reminded of their close bond and reassured by their lover’s touch.

Researchers found that spouses who go to bed at different times report significantly less relationship satisfaction, greater conflict and lower intimacy than those on the same schedule. They have more conflict, spend less time in shared activities and serious conversation, and have sex less frequently than couples with similar sleeping schedules. Perhaps you both might try to sync up.

“Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.” ~ Dr. Mark Goulston, Psychiatrist, International Speaker, Author

The bedroom is an excellent place to make your marriage better. Going to bed together at the same time is not always about sex. It is, however, important to discuss physical intimacy and plan how you will avoid losing it, if you go to bed at different times.

Going to bed with your partner is not just about sleeping either; it is also about bonding with the most important person in your life. Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing each other is a great time to talk about your day, the children, etc. I can recall when I was about 12, my parents would go to bed together and I could hear my parents talking for 30 minutes to an hour. I would often fall asleep before they stopped talking. This was their time to cuddle and communicate.

So many of us are tempted to stay up to the wee hours, by ourselves, enjoying “our” time to ourselves. This pattern is the equivalent of a huge lost opportunity for sustaining and nurturing your partnership. If you can fight that urge, and tuck in early with your husband, it will be totally worth it. If she goes to bed at 10:00 p.m. every night by choice and he stays up between 1-3 to play games, use the computer, watch videos etc., this could mean that he has lost interest in intimacy.

Research from the University of Pittsburgh found that women who feel happiest in their relationships were likelier to turn in at the same time as their spouse, nearly down to the minute.

larry-sleeping-togetherExperts say snoozing simultaneously could be related to feeling more emotionally connected. Physical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and promotes bonding. Go to bed together once in awhile, even if it is just to catch up and be together.

Always be considerate of your partner’s early turn-in. If you return to the room after your partner is asleep, use a flashlight and be quiet!

Discordant sleep patterns can also be a blessing in disguise for new parents, Wendy Troxel​, a behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation, says. She’s worked with couples in which the father, a night owl, takes care of the baby during the night – giving him time with the child during his alert hours, and the mom time to rest during her sleepy ones.

Always say “Good night.” We’ve all heard the phrase “never go to bed angry,” and it holds true. Even if you and your partner are fighting, take a break to sincerely say “good night” before sleep and remind him or her that you still love being in a relationship with them.

BONUS Articles: You Asked: What’s the Best Bedtime?
Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s relationship seminars and books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time?

Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love?

The one thing distinguishing a good marriage is that couples go to sleep with each other and wake up with each other. When partners don’t go to bed at the same time, they miss a critical time for connecting. This pattern is the equivalent of a huge lost opportunity for sustaining and nurturing your partnership. The bedroom should be used for sleeping, sexual intimacy, or even pillow talk. Couple who do this are more relaxed with each other, feel closer, and sleep better.

Go2BedTogether“Getting into bed together allows us to cuddle and share skin-to-skin contact, which releases oxytocin, lowers anxiety and blood pressure, increases immune function, and helps to alleviate pain. It provides a quiet time and space to talk about your days, your stresses, your joys, and your relationship. It provides a regular opportunity for physical intimacy to happen — whether that means sex or just kissing, cuddling, scratching each other’s backs, and feeling each other’s embrace. And it sets you both up for getting a great night’s sleep, which leaves you feeling more refreshed and able to continue to nurture your intimate bond tomorrow.” ~ Lindsey Hoskins

With our busy lives, it is often a struggle to find space in our schedules for quality one-on-one time together. Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to often feel sexually excited.

Going to bed together at the same time is not always about sex. Going to bed with your partner is not just about sleeping either; it is also about bonding with the most important person in my life. Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing each other is a great time to talk about your day, the children, etc. I can recall when I was about 12, my parents would go to bed together and I could hear my parents talking for 30 minutes to an hour. I would often fall asleep before they stopped talking. This was their time to cuddle and communicate.

In some of my coaching sessions with couples, often one will say that after their partner goes to bed is the only peaceful time to herself to read a book or watch TV. That is after her husband and kids have gone to bed. When one partner is an early bird and the other a night owl this can be a potential issue. It’s important to reach agreement on matters such as this. If your partner is a night owl you may want to establish a new routine that you can both agree on. Set aside several nights each week to hit the sack together. Be careful not to start laying guilt trips on your partner if they choose to stay up longer than you.

In another coaching session, the husband was having an affair with his computer. No porn, just surfing and playing games until the early hours of the morning. It almost ruined his marriage. I encouraged his to surf the net for a limited time and at an earlier time in the evening and go to bed with his wife. He did. And about 30 days later I received a glowing e-mail of thanks from his wife. He got his relationship back.

Suggestion: Dump the TV from the bedroom. TV demands that you focus on the screen and not each other. TV in the bedroom pretty much puts a damper on everything.

Caution: Be careful not to use going to bed at different times as an avoidance tactic. If there are issues in your relationship and you find yourself drifting away from your partner, it may be time to: 1. Have a talk, 2. Decide to make some new choices about going to bed together at the same time and 3. Get relationship coaching.

It’s very special to end your day with the one you love. Why? Because it’s a gift that can only be shared with your spouse. Make it a priority to use this time to be close and to share special moments.

If you find yourself being distracted from your relationship by not going to bed together, you may need to ask yourself, “What am I avoiding with this behavior?” Just as important, ask yourself, “What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?” Most married couples with children make their kids have a bedtime to help them function better. Why not give yourself the same opportunity? I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.

BONUS Article: So… What About Bedtime?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

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