Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Monday, October 28, 2013

Got Problems? Good!

Filed under: Accountability,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
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Life works. It works in direct proportion to the way you work it. It is working just the way you have planned it. If you are saying to yourself, “This is simply not true!” you most likely do not have a written plan. No plan is a plan to have things happen the way they happen. Consider the fact that your life is the way it is because of the choices you have made up to this point.

Got problems? Good! Why do I say good? Because problems call attention to that which is in need of a fix!

couple_upsetYou must accept responsibility for your choices and for the consequences of your actions. Accept responsibility for the way things are. If you don’t like the way things are, change them. Unless you have a plan for life to be different than it is right now, life will continue to show up the way it always has for you. Be accountable to yourself.

“When things work; take the credit. When things don’t work, take the heat.” ~ Larry James

Accept responsibility that we cause most of the problems that occur in our life. Most of life’s predicaments are predictable. We don’t seem to learn from our difficulties so we get to experience the same predicament again. Not learning from adversity makes your life’s predicaments predictable. Problems by design are repetitive. If we don’t learn the lesson the problem presents the first time, we can predict with a high degree of reliability that it will occur again.

Ever wonder why you make the same mistakes or have the same problems over and over again? Not paying attention may be an answer. Thinking you have no control over what happens to you is another. The measure of a man’s progress is not whether he has a tough problem to deal with, it’s whether it’s the same problem he had last year.

Upsets are prolonged by rehearsing them in your mind. Quit wallowing in your difficulties. If you want quick recovery from your problems, learn to quickly change your mental image of the problem. For things to be different, you must do things differently. How you have been won’t work. If how you have been in the past isn’t working, you must learn to change the way you do things.

My friend, Dr. Michael LeBoeuf, author of Imagineering, says that a mistake only proves someone stopped talking long enough to do something. When you do things, you will make mistakes. The secret is to learn from your mistakes and push forward. Never stay hooked to the past. The past is an energy drain. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. You should only look back to learn from your mistakes and to see how far you’ve come. According to Oscar Wilde, experience is the name we give our mistakes.

It was Charles F. Kettering who said, “You will never stub your toe standing still. The faster you go, the more chance there is of stubbing your toe, but the more chance you have of getting somewhere.”

We all make errors. The miracle of error is the access to opportunity it presents – to learn from your mistakes. Mistakes cause problems. Accept responsibility for your problems. They don’t just happen.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Perhaps it’s Time to “Sitr Tihngs uP!”

If your relationship is kinda lying dormant… mix it up a little. Begin to do things differently. Don’t get bogged down with the same old boring routine.

“Sitr Tihngs uP!”

I kid you not, when you mix things up in a relationship, all kinds of fun stuff can begin to happen. Breaking things up a bit triggers something in your brain that adds back in that sense of newness and excitement you might be missing from the early days of your relationship. If your relationship is stagnant, stirring things up will add spice to a boring relationship. This is the big secret to spice up a boring relationship.

BEtogetherThere are all kinds of diversions that continually draw your attention elsewhere… children, a miserable job, the car needs new tires, etc. Everyday annoyances that build up over months, years, or even decades. We fret about the past and we worry about the future. We strain toward tomorrow and we struggle against yesterday.

Fuhgeddaboudit! Change your mind. Everyone has the unique ability to do that. Cut out all the crap that you know is a distraction. Focus your thoughts more on your partner and your relationship.

Try this: Out with the old activities, and in with the new! Doing the same old thing forever and ever can negatively affect the romance and intimacy of your relationship. It is time to take action! You need new ideas to help you stir things up a bit.

There is a line in my Wedding ceremony that says, “Never stop doing the things that brought you together in the first place. Often when I am talking with a couple about planning their wedding ceremony, one or the other of them will say, “We need to do that!” It’s easy to slip into an attitude of taking your partner for granted. You know you love each other but fail to say it aloud as much as when you first met. That is a mistake.

BedroomMovesIf passion has subsided… maybe you need a change of scenery. Be determined to beat boredom. Get creative – together. Move the furniture around in the living room. Don’t neglect the master bedroom. Make it a romantic love nest. Remove the television. Use your master bedroom for sleeping and making love… not necessarily in that order.

Challenge your own status quo. Plan some special time to be together – just the two of you. Tease each other with text messages. Leave the children in the care of a responsible adult and go on a date. The kind of date you had when you were first together. It will give the two of you something to anticipate and work toward, together. Having a goal in your sights will help take the edge off what can often feel like monotony in everyday life.

If you are like most couples, you both work, you’re tired and when you get home you want to grab something cold to drink, turn the TV on and crash. Stirring things up triggers the brain to think new thoughts and feel new ways. That is always a winning combination. Pull yourself out of the rut you’re in. Your “tiredness” can turn to excitement and suddenly inspire you to stop being a couch potato and be adventurous.

Go to a park, sit under a tree, spread a blanket, and just talk to each other – not about the kids, not about work, just communicate with each other. BE in the present moment. Breathe! If your partner is the most special person in your life, say so. Words do have power and if said genuinely, they convey your intentions, emotions and feelings in a very special way. Remember sweet talk? Talk like a lover. Don’t hold back. Be a committed listener.

True partners share the good and the bad about their lives and their relationship. It’s really great to have a safe place like your relationship where you can discuss your innermost secrets and desires. Often couples who have been together for a long time forget that being together is not just about loving each other, it’s about expressing that love in a way that demonstrates the love and respect you feel for each other.

I don’t believe that you can ever be together too long to begin again. Someone has to take the first step. Fear of what your partner will say if all of a sudden you begin expressing your love in ways that hasn’t happened for a long time will keep you both stuck! It’s time to super-charge your relationship. If your relationship is in the “drift” mode and you have become distant, reconciliation can be a big step in the right direction. Make some new promises. Recommit to each other. Be together and start over.

There is a scripture in the Bible that reads, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24 ESV). Work together to inspire, challenge, and encourage each other to “Sitr Tihngs uP!”

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Got Upsets?

Filed under: Accountability,Problems,Resolving Conflict — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Upsets create the wisdom necessary to grow in spite of the situation.

Upsets stimulates courage to face what’s next.

It is one thing to know there is a problem and it is quite another to not do anything about it. You must first acknowledge that a problem exists before it can be fixed. Part of the healing is to acknowledge that there are indeed problems that you may be responsible for. Knowing that is not enough. DOING something different is.

problems2Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

Ideally, having a partner who understands the concept of team and the responsibility that goes with it contributes greatly to creating a greater attitude of team, which sheds light on solutions instead of keeping the focus on the problem.

True love allows for disagreements. Problems are not there to break you. They help make you a better partner; they help you grow. Acknowledging when you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.

problemsWhat you think about and speak about, you bring about. Want more of the problem? Keep thinking about the upset instead of seeking mutually beneficial solutions to it and refuse to change “YOUR” behavior. Rather than looking outside for the source of your problems, look inside for the source of your solutions.

When you dwell on the problem, a solution to it will not appear to you. There is usually more than one solution to every problem. Problems do not go away by themselves. People solve problems.

Obviously if you have a partner who is willing to work with you to get your relationship back on track. . . that’s ideal. But what do you do when your partner doesn’t acknowledge that there is a problem?

You must decide to focus your attention on working on you; getting back in touch with who you are. With a major behavior and attitude adjustment, you will begin to feel better about yourself and stop blaming your partner for the problem.

Remember, changing how you feel about your relationship, begins with changing how you think!

To have a problem be an experience of value, you must be attentive to the lesson the upset presents and be courageous enough to do whatever is necessary to avoid a future setback for the same reason.

HeartHandsCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Does Your Relationship Need a Wake-up Call?

Filed under: Accountability,Coaching,Communication,Intimacy — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Has your relationship whacked you over the head lately? Bet you didn’t see that coming! However, it probably would not have happened if you had been paying attention. Perhaps it’s the wake-up call you needed that something is missing in your relationship.

wake-up-callIt usually screams. . . Accountability!

Wake-up calls demand that you be accountable for the current condition that YOU have helped to create in your relationship.

“A common close call for a guy is having the woman in his life threaten to end their relationship because of his reluctance to finally look at and own up to his behavior that has helped drive the relationship toward unhappiness and disaster. At this point women need to see some concrete form of action from their guy, like getting some relationship coaching, getting into therapy, attending a seminar, reading a book.” ~ Hanalei Vierra, Ph.D.

I would add that although my experience has me agreeing with Dr. Vierra, I would add that men are not the only ones to get wake-up calls.

A wake-up call for a woman may be that she feels that her partner is pulling away; that he is spending more time at the office than usual. He may just plop down in a chair with the TV remote in hand and wait for you to announce, “Supper’s ready!” (Shame on him – I thought this was supposed to be a “partnership!”) There may be less intimacy or she may hear excuses when she wants to be close. It’s time to pay attention!

Wake up – don’t break up!

If you value your relationship, wake-up calls are not to be ignored. They are intended to get your attention.

Many partners have what I call blind spots. They drift along thinking that everything is alright but there is a feeling of disconnect that they tend to ignore.

It’s important to do something about these feelings sooner than later. Be careful not to wait too long to take action. Some wake-up calls come too late. The problem often is that by the time you pick up on that something is really wrong, your partner has been thinking about moving on for 6 months to a year and is ready to make the call and it may be too late. The other partner is usually surprised, stunned and clueless about what just happened. By then it could be the beginning of the end.

I often hear my coaching clients say, “I didn’t see it coming!” or “He (or she) won’t tell me what it is I am doing that upsets them. He (or she) says I ought to know, but I don’t.”

wakeupPay attention to your relationship! Give it your full attention. Then you will know. If you sense that something is not working the way you think it should. . . do something about it. Relationships require maintenance. They also require preventative maintenance; the kind that keeps you ahead of any problems or issues that may surface.

It is much easier to maintain and enrich your present relationship than to establish a new one. There is no shame in beginning again; starting over with your partner. If your heart is beating. . . you can start all over again.

“Be brave and ask your wife (or husband) how you measure up. Better to know now and correct the problems than to be blindsided by divorce papers later on. When you ask, don’t get upset at her (or his) answers, just thank them for their honesty and make your plan to improve.” ~ Gary and Joy Lundberg

Talk. AND listen to each other. Have quiet conversations about what you both can do to have a more healthy relationship. Treat each other with respect. Demonstrate your appreciation for each other. Your partner will treat you as well or as poorly as you let them. If something your partner is doing annoys you – in the most loving way you can – you owe it to the relationship to talk to them about it. The longer you hold it in, the harder it will be to talk about it. Flirt with each other. Be each others teachers. By that, I mean, practice the “Golden Rule!” Often we get more of what we want from the relationship when we give what our partner needs.

We often withhold communication because the last time we brought an issue up it caused a major disturbance in the relationships routine. So, we keep quiet. Then one day he doesn’t take the garbage out and you want a divorce and it’s not about the garbage. It’s about all the things you failed to talk about.

Hire a relationship coach. Read a good relationship book together. Yes, I said, “together!” Read, “How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book.”

When you pay attention to your partner’s needs, they will be more inclined to pay attention to your needs.

Does your sex life need a wake-up call too? Intimacy almost always improves when you work together to make your relationship something that you are proud to be in. It’s difficult to want to make love with your partner when your relationship is in need of a major makeover.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Monday, October 26, 2009

LoveNote. . .

As we come to understand our equal share in creating problems, blame, self-doubt, and discord gives way to personal responsibility, accountability, mutual respect and intimacy.

Problems in relationships are never only one persons fault. They are shared problems.

In a healthy love relationship, things are easiest when both love partners take responsibility for the whole, not just their halves.

urloveheart

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
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