Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Too Miserable to Stay – Too Frightened to Leave?

Annie Kaszina, Guest Author

Camilla said: “I’m frightened to tell him it’s over because…”

Is that something you’ve ever said? Have you ever settled for doing nothing for fear of making the situation worse? If you want to break free from the paralysis of a bad relationship, so you can begin to trust yourself, and value your life, I invite you to check out my brand new 4 week Quick Start Help, Healing, and Happiness program.

REL-ABUSECamilla was frightened to tell her abusive partner it was over because…

What do you think are the most common reasons women give for their relationship paralysis?

In no particular order, here they are:

• “I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me.”
• “I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else and what will that say about me?”
• “I can’t manage without him.”
• “Nobody else will ever want me.”
• “I still love him.”
• “It’s probably all my fault.”

Let’s take look at each of those reasons.

“I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me”. How does that one work? Are you saying that if you stay he’s going to:

a) speak nicely to you?

b) make you happy?

How happy are you now, when you’re too miserable to stay, but too frightened to leave?

How much longer can you afford to be as unhappy as you are?

What is it doing to your physical, mental and emotional health? Not to mention your quality of life?

“I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else?” Really?!! You’ve savoured the many delights of being in a relationship with him, so you know how good he is at good relationships. (NOT!? Besides, whose life are we talking about here, anyway? Whose quality of life is at stake here? His? Or yours??

The sooner you stop focusing on his life, and start focusing on your own, the sooner your life will start to improve.

“I can’t manage without him.” Are you sure about that? If you feel so unhappy with him around that you are barely coping, is it really true that you will manage even worse without him?

That’s not what other women report. What I hear from the women I work is this: once they leave they start to feel much, much happier. They realize what a drain their abusive partner was on their lives.

Besides, can you really know what your future will hold?

Let me give you a hint: you know what your past held, and you know what your present holds. In fact, you know exactly what Life holds for you while your abusive partner is on the scene .

But how can you possibly know what your life will be like with him out of it?

Since most of the pain in your life relates to him, logic is telling you that he and the pain go hand in hand. (Isn’t it nice for him, that he goes hand in hand with something? I’m guessing he hasn’t gone hand in hand with you, for a while.) If it’s true that he and your pain go hand in hand, when you lose one, you lose both.

“Nobody else will ever want me.” Now, how can you possibly say that?

All you know for a fact is that he doesn’t want you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he certainly doesn’t want you enough to care about your happiness. Which means that he really doesn’t want you in any healthy way.

“I still love him.” You may love the dream, and you may love Mr Nice Guy who made a guest appearance, in a cameo role, at the start of your relationship. But I’ve yet to hear from a single woman who says: “I love him for the jerk he is. I love him for the way he constantly tramples on my feelings, rejects me, leaves me feeling worthless, and fills me with dread about what the future holds.”

If you truly loved the guy that he truly is, then you would love him just the way he is.

You don’t.

That’s understandable.

You love him the way you want him to be – and he has no intention of being.

You’re clinging to that dream the way a shipwrecked sailor clings to a piece of driftwood.

But you don’t have to be bobbing up and down, in splendid isolation, at the mercy of the sea.

You can let go of that piece of wood, and swim into shore. Trust me, it’s much closer than you think – and you don’t have to do it alone. I’ve done it, and I can help you do it.

“It’s probably all my fault.” Isn’t it great that you’ve spent all this time with someone who makes all the rules? He decides he is without fault, and then he casts the first stone, and the next, and the next.

He keeps throwing stones, and telling you it’s all your fault.

You wouldn’t buy it if a 5 year old came and told you, “It’s all Johnny’s fault that I’ve spent the day throwing stones at him”.

So why are you prepared to buy it from a partner?

We both know you’ve been trained to accept blame, but you don’t have to go on doing that.

Do you want to know how to let go of the blame, shame, fear, and rejection?

Do you want to know how to deal with negative thoughts as they come up, and tap into feeling happy, safe, and good enough?

Do you want to know how to shake off paralysis, feel happy and create a life to love? Check out my Quick Start Help, Healing, and Happiness program.

BONUS Article: Hit the Road, Jack…
Understanding Verbal Abuse
Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

Larry’s NOTE: Emotional abuse is never your fault and is always unacceptable. Neither is physical abuse. There are no good reasons, or excuses that can ever justify it! Never!

Copyright © 2015 – Annie Kaszina. Annie Kaszina is the founder of “Recover From Emotional Abuse” and an international speaker, author, and relationship expert who helps women live fully, love safely, and laugh wholeheartedly. Annie has helped many hundreds of women walk away from domestic violence, and rebuild their self-worth, their happiness, and their faith in their ability to love wisely and well, next time round. You can find more great articles from Annie on her BLOG. Check out Annie’s Website.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Thursday, July 2, 2015

Hit the Road, Jack…

There is NEVER a good reason for a man to emotionally and physically abuse a woman! One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

There is NEVER a good reason for a woman to emotionally and physically abuse a man! It is estimated that one in six men will experience domestic abuse at some time in their lives.

RELabuseThe bottom line is that abusive behavior is NEVER acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. No one deserves to be abused and there is no justification for violent crime in the case of physical abuse.

Tell them to, “Hit the road, Jack… and don’t you come back no more, no more…”

“There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.” ~ Source: HelpGuide.org

Abuse is rarely ever a “one time” thing! Most domestic abuse is systematic and premeditated, not a momentary loss of self-control. Most experts agree, abuse is repetitive and predictable. Often when it happens once, it will happen again. Partners caught up in the relationship may not agree because their partner “promised” to never let it happen again and because they don’t believe, they may continue to stay in the relationship rather than leave.

Abuse is a systematic pattern of control and intimidation. Apologies may be another form of coercion and do not provide evidence that he/she has taken responsibility for the abuse and means to keep their promise that it will never happen again.

Victims of abuse – emotional and/or physical – hear me loud a clear… It is not your fault! I don’t care what the abuser tells you.

What is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. The victim of the abuse quite often doesn’t see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

Emotional abuse is every bit as serious a problem as physical abuse. In fact, its consequences can be deeper and more wide reaching. Almost always, the effects of emotional abuse can take longer to heal than all but the very worst of physical injuries.

What is physical abuse? Do we really need to provide an answer to that question? Physical abuse is the only reason you need to leave the relationship. What is going on is illegal and help is available. If an abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don’t engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to sooth him/her. Recognize that you can’t fix them, keep quiet and simply walk away. A long way away.

“The only difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse is, you cannot see the scars upon the heart!” ~ Larry James

People who have been abused in several ways often say that it was the emotional abuse that had the most effect on them. Being constantly undermined, criticized and humiliated can turn someone who was once confident and outgoing into a nervous, anxious person.

stop-domestic-violenceWhy Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships? ~ Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Partners with low self esteem in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them.

1. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them.
2. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background.
3. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. (My opinion: The children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother). Statistics show that in 50 to 70% of homes where men assault women, children are abused as well.

Find support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. Seek a shelter. Begin to develop an exit plan. You can’t remain in an emotionally and/or physical abusive relationship forever.

If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving right now, make developing a plan for leaving as soon as possible be your highest priority. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered. There is only one way to “control” an abuser: Take away their ability to control and harm you by putting lots of distance between the two of you.

Need help? Here are three resources. Visit WomenShelters.org list of shelters for women in Phoenix, AZ. There are very few shelters for men, however, visit HomelessShelterDirectory.org to begin your search. CALL highly-trained advocates who are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship. Visit TheHotLine.org or call 800-799-7233.

BONUS Articles: Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?
Are You Emotionally Abusive? Questions for Men to Ask Themselves
Understanding Verbal Abuse
Too Miserable to Stay, Too Frightened to Leave
Domestic Violence Sucks!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Understanding Verbal Abuse

Filed under: Abuse (Emotional & Physical) — Larry James @ 8:30 am
Tags: ,

Angela Lambert, Guest Author

Abuse can affect the lives of people regardless of age, gender or social status. Although people most often associate abuse with physical violence, it can come in many different forms including verbal abuse. Because of the nature of verbal abuse, its damaging effects are often underestimated and misunderstood. This can be a problem for people who are the victims of it. In addition, it can make it difficult for people who suspect that a friend or loved one is being verbally abused. To help combat verbal bullying it is important to educate people and raise awareness.

What is Verbal Abuse?

verbalabuse1Verbal abuse is a type of emotional abuse in which a person uses words, body language, or behavior to cause emotional pain or distress to another person. Although it is not physical in nature and does not leave visible bruises, it is just as damaging and can leave an individual with emotional scars and trauma.

With verbal abuse, the abuser uses words as a way to exert control and dominance over the victim. It is a behavior that is often thought of in terms of domestic violence; however, it can occur in places of work, school, etc. Spouses, teachers, employers, girlfriends, boyfriends, or friends can be verbally abusive. When it comes to relationships, it is often a precursor to physical violence.

The Signs of Verbal Abuse

It is important that people recognize when they are being verbally abused. When looking for the signs of verbal abuse, it is necessary to consider the actions of the potential abuser towards the victim. Consistently criticizing or insulting, humiliating, and even ignoring the victim is a clear and obvious sign of verbal abuse. Using words to discount or minimize a person’s experiences or achievements is also a common sign of abuse.

The abuser will often manipulate conversations or the words of the victim, or make the victim feel unworthy or unloved. A verbally abusive person will also blame the abuse on the victim. Dismissing hurtful comments as if they are “no big deal,” or turning them into a joke is another sign of verbal bullying, as is constant negative comments about friends, family or even one’s ethnic group. Withholding words or reactions is also considered a sign.

AbuseThe Effects of Verbal Abuse

When a person is the victim of this type of abuse, he or she is affected in numerous ways. In general, the victim often loses a sense of self; whether that is a sense of self-esteem, independence, peace, or confidence. The individual typically lives in fear of the abuser and what he or she may say or how they react. With children, the effects of verbal abuse can potentially last a lifetime. According to studies by Florida State University, children who are victims of this type of abuse may become adults who are anxiety and depression prone. In addition, they may also tend to grow into adults who have a more negative self-image.

Recovery from Verbal Abuse

The psychological and emotional effects of verbal abuse are severe and can negatively affect many areas of an individual’s life, from their sense of confidence to relationships. To begin the recovery and healing process, people who have been victims of verbal abuse will need to take the proper steps. One of the first steps is to recognize and acknowledge the abuse for what it is. Additionally, a person must be able to place the blame where it belongs, which is on the abuser and not themselves. Often this requires the help of others, and the abused must be willing to seek out help. Help may come in the form of family or friends.

domesticViolenceChildren who are victims of verbal bullying at school should seek out the help of parents or teachers. When the abuse occurs at home, help may come in the form of a teacher or a social worker. In severe cases of abuse of either adults or children, the help of a counselor or therapist is often necessary to aid in the recovery. Depending on the situation, a counselor can also help the victim learn how to set limits and ask for change if the relationship is an ongoing one.

Also, if staying in a relationship with someone who has been verbally abusive, ask that he or she participate in counseling as well. Additionally, support group sessions with other victims of verbal abuse may also prove helpful to the recovery of some. In addition to therapy, there are certain self-help strategies that a person can take to aid their recovery. Keeping a journal to document emotions and thoughts is a positive way to express oneself about the abuse and the recovery process.

Read self-help books on improving self-esteem. Being active and socializing with positive people can also help. It is important for people not to isolate themselves which may encourage depression and stress. By participating in positive activities and meeting new people, a person can make strides towards re-establishing his or her self-esteem and confidence.

BONUS Article: Domestic Violence Sucks!

AngelaLambertCopyright © 2014 – Angela Lambert. Angela Lambert is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor at Morningside Recovery, 3421 Via Oporto, Newport Beach, CA 92663. Visit their Website at: http://www.morningsiderecovery.com/about/

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

Stephany Alexander, Guest Author

Abusive men are often survivors of abuse themselves. Signs of an abusive man can range from emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Frequently an emotionally abusive man is also a verbally abusive man or a combination of all abuse types. A sign of an abusive man can usually be found after a few dates if you pay attention, ask a lot of questions and do some investigating into his past.

Spot Abusive Men!

STOPabuseAbusive relationships are characterized by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact. An emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren’t good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse.

Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won’t leave. However, the more times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.” Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.

According to the American Psychological Association Force on Violence and Family, over 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner each year! Who can forget when heavy-weight champ Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington and sentenced to six years in prison. Tyson served three years before being released on parole. Thereafter, he married Robin Givens but they divorced on Valentine’s Day only a year later because Givens claimed Tyson abused her. Abusive behavior touches all ranges of society.

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.

stopabuse2If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.

Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters. Try calling family, friends and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to his counselor and he has completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day so please be careful.

If you partner is not willing to seek help for his abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Copyright © 2014 – Stephany Alexander. Stephany is a dating and infidelity expert. She is the CEO and founder of WomanSavers.com, the World’s Largest Database Rating Men targeting abusive and cheating men. Alexander is the author of “The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out If He’s Unfaithful.” Stephany is frequently called on by the media to comment on popular dating and infidelity issues and relationship-related breaking news. She and her website have been featured on FOX, MSNBC, CNN, New York Times, the Associated Press, Wall Street Journal, the Mike and Juliet Show, and has been on countless radio shows and online media. For more information on infidelity and dating visit www.WomanSavers.com.

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CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
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Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Too Miserable to Stay, Too Frightened to Leave

Filed under: Abuse (Emotional & Physical),Guest Authors,Relationships — Larry James @ 8:00 am
Tags:

Annie Kaszina, Guest Author

Camilla said: “I’m frightened to tell him it’s over because… ”

Is that something you’ve ever said? Have you ever settled for doing nothing for fear of making the situation worse?

counteract-emotional-abuseCamilla was frightened to tell her abusive partner it was over because…

What do you think are the most common reasons women give for their relationship paralysis?

In no particular order, here they are:

• “I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me.”
• “I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else and what will that say about me?”
• “I can’t manage without him.”
• “Nobody else will ever want me.”
• “I still love him.”
• “It’s probably all my fault.”

Let’s take look at each of those reasons.

verbal-abuse“I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me”. How does that one work? Are you saying that if you stay he’s going to:

a) speak nicely to you?

b) make you happy?

How happy are you now, when you’re too miserable to stay, but too frightened to leave?

How much longer can you afford to be as unhappy as you are?

What is it doing to your physical, mental and emotional health? Not to mention your quality of life?

“I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else?” Really?!! You’ve savored the many delights of being in a relationship with him, so you know how good he is at good relationships. (NOT!? Besides, whose life are we talking about here, anyway? Whose quality of life is at stake here? His? Or yours??

The sooner you stop focusing on his life, and start focusing on your own, the sooner your life will start to improve.

“I can’t manage without him.” Are you sure about that? If you feel so unhappy with him around that you are barely coping, is it really true that you will manage even worse without him?

That’s not what other women report. What I hear from the women I work is this: once they leave they start to feel much, much happier. They realize what a drain their abusive partner was on their lives.

Besides, can you really know what your future will hold?

Let me give you a hint: you know what your past held, and you know what your present holds. In fact, you know exactly what Life holds for you while your abusive partner is on the scene .

But how can you possibly know what your life will be like with him out of it?

“The only difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse is you can’t see the wounds on your heart.” ~ Larry James

Since most of the pain in your life relates to him, logic is telling you that he and the pain go hand in hand. (Isn’t it nice for him, that he goes hand in hand with something? I’m guessing he hasn’t gone hand in hand with you, for a while.) If it’s true that he and your pain go hand in hand, when you lose one, you lose both.

“Nobody else will ever want me.” Now, how can you possibly say that?

All you know for a fact is that he doesn’t want you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he certainly doesn’t want you enough to care about your happiness. Which means that he really doesn’t want you in any healthy way.

domesticviolence“I still love him.” You may love the dream, and you may love Mr Nice Guy who made a guest appearance, in a cameo role, at the start of your relationship. But I’ve yet to hear from a single woman who says: “I love him for the jerk he is. I love him for the way he constantly tramples on my feelings, rejects me, leaves me feeling worthless, and fills me with dread about what the future holds.”

If you truly loved the guy that he truly is, then you would love him just the way he is.

You don’t.

That’s understandable.

You love him the way you want him to be – and he has no intention of being.

You’re clinging to that dream the way a shipwrecked sailor clings to a piece of driftwood.

But you don’t have to be bobbing up and down, in splendid isolation, at the mercy of the sea.

You can let go of that piece of wood, and swim into shore. Trust me, it’s much closer than you think – and you don’t have to do it alone. I’ve done it, and I can help you do it.

notyourfault“It’s probably all my fault.” Isn’t it great that you’ve spent all this time with someone who makes all the rules? He decides he is without fault, and then he casts the first stone, and the next, and the next.

He keeps throwing stones, and telling you it’s all your fault.

You wouldn’t buy it if a 5 year old came and told you, “It’s all Johnny’s fault that I’ve spent the day throwing stones at him”.

So why are you prepared to buy it from a partner?

We both know you’ve been trained to accept blame, but you don’t have to go on doing that.

Do you want to know how to let go of the blame, shame, fear, and rejection?

Do you want to know how to deal with negative thoughts as they come up, and tap into feeling happy, safe, and good enough?

Do you want to know how to shake off paralysis, feel happy and create a life to love?

BONUS Article: Domestic Violence Sucks!

Copyright © 2012 – Annie Kaszina. Annie Kaszina is the founder of “Recover From Emotional Abuse” and an international speaker, author, and relationship expert who helps women live fully, love safely, and laugh wholeheartedly. Annie has helped many hundreds of women walk away from domestic violence, and rebuild their self-worth, their happiness, and their faith in their ability to love wisely and well, next time round. You can find more great articles from Annie on her BLOG. Check out Annie’s Website.

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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