Larry James' BLOG

Sunday, May 31, 2015

So… What About Bedtime?

Do you both go to bed at the same time?

REL-WhatAboutBedtimeHitting the sack at the same time as your partner could help you feel more in tune with each other. It’s not always easy to match up your sleeping schedules, but couples who do fall asleep together are constantly reminded of their close bond and reassured by their lover’s touch.

Researchers found that spouses who go to bed at different times report significantly less relationship satisfaction, greater conflict and lower intimacy than those on the same schedule. They have more conflict, spend less time in shared activities and serious conversation, and have sex less frequently than couples with similar sleeping schedules. Perhaps you both might try to sync up.

“Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.” ~ Dr. Mark Goulston, Psychiatrist, International Speaker, Author

The bedroom is an excellent place to make your marriage better. Going to bed together at the same time is not always about sex. It is, however, important to discuss physical intimacy and plan how you will avoid losing it, if you go to bed at different times.

Going to bed with your partner is not just about sleeping either; it is also about bonding with the most important person in your life. Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing each other is a great time to talk about your day, the children, etc. I can recall when I was about 12, my parents would go to bed together and I could hear my parents talking for 30 minutes to an hour. I would often fall asleep before they stopped talking. This was their time to cuddle and communicate.

So many of us are tempted to stay up to the wee hours, by ourselves, enjoying “our” time to ourselves. This pattern is the equivalent of a huge lost opportunity for sustaining and nurturing your partnership. If you can fight that urge, and tuck in early with your husband, it will be totally worth it. If she goes to bed at 10:00 p.m. every night by choice and he stays up between 1-3 to play games, use the computer, watch videos etc., this could mean that he has lost interest in intimacy.

Research from the University of Pittsburgh found that women who feel happiest in their relationships were likelier to turn in at the same time as their spouse, nearly down to the minute.

larry-sleeping-togetherExperts say snoozing simultaneously could be related to feeling more emotionally connected. Physical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and promotes bonding. Go to bed together once in awhile, even if it is just to catch up and be together.

Always be considerate of your partner’s early turn-in. If you return to the room after your partner is asleep, use a flashlight and be quiet!

Discordant sleep patterns can also be a blessing in disguise for new parents, Wendy Troxel​, a behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation, says. She’s worked with couples in which the father, a night owl, takes care of the baby during the night – giving him time with the child during his alert hours, and the mom time to rest during her sleepy ones.

Always say “Good night.” We’ve all heard the phrase “never go to bed angry,” and it holds true. Even if you and your partner are fighting, take a break to sincerely say “good night” before sleep and remind him or her that you still love being in a relationship with them.

BONUS Articles: You Asked: What’s the Best Bedtime?
Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s relationship seminars and books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

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  1. […] Articles: Can Modern Technology Mess Up Your Relationship? So… What About Bedtime? Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time? Challenge: A 24 Hour Cell Phone Fast! Are You […]

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