A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com – one of the the digital leaders in love and relationships – offers compelling insights into why marriages fail.
When you have a problem, not communicating with your partner about it sends a message of its own. They get to make up what they think the non-spoken messages convey. Women are skilled in this activity. 😉
She might conclude that you do not love her as much as you used to. She might decide you just do not care anymore. HER lesson is to understand that when you do talk, it is time to honor YOUR feelings and just listen. On the other hand – what is she supposed to think? You won’t talk! You often totally close down at the most inopportune times, sometimes because you don’t know what to say or how to say it.
Maybe you are afraid you might appear weak, or she might lose respect for you, and on and on. Maybe it is because every time you do allow yourself to become vulnerable enough to talk, she butts in with HER feelings!
The typical woman has a need to verbalize, communicate, declare, express, vent, chatter, discuss, dialogue and debate the problem; she needs to continue to talk about it until she is finished talking about it. To her, this means she cares. It is the way SHE solves problems. YOUR lesson is to know that this is the way she is.
Some couples give up too easily! He doesn’t take out the garbage and she want’s a divorce and it’s not about the garbage! Undelivered communication is a relationship killer. Being emotionally honest and having intimate conversations can cause you to feel vulnerable.
When two people really love each other, they openly and honestly communicate. They talk about what matters. No withholds. They have learned to talk about anything, and everything… all the time, and I must add… that is relevant to their relationship.
If the relationship you are in doesn’t feel like there is a lot of love showing up, it’s time to begin demonstrating a higher commitment to finding that love again.
For those who might give in and let go of a potentially great marriage, think about what breaking up means. Take your time. Think some more. What were you feeling when your partner proposed? What were you thinking? What happened that even has you “thinking” about leaving? Think about that. What “REALLY” happened. Be honest. Let go and allow yourself to inspect what happened. You are not allowed to blame your partner. Forgive. Forgive YOU first, then whoever else needs forgiveness. Have a candid conversation with your partner about what you are “feeling” and what’s next.
It’s more fun to stay together and to make up than to deal with the stress that often happens when you are alone and lonely.
Don’t get me wrong. Not every relationship issue is solvable for the benefit of both. And there is always a time to let go and move on. Only you can decide.
So… before you give up, communicate! It’s time to wake up… NOW… not break up! Don’t let your relationship fizzle. Have a candid talk with yourself first, then a candid conversation together. (A calm, loving, low decibel conversation, works best!).
So, how can couples divorce-proof their marriages? Sixty-five percent of experts agree the most effective way is by improving communication, followed by decreasing negativity/criticism. Only about four percent cited more or better sex.
Final Thought: If you need help, ask for it!
Copyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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