Larry James' BLOG

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time?

Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love?

The one thing distinguishing a good marriage is that couples go to sleep with each other and wake up with each other. When partners don’t go to bed at the same time, they miss a critical time for connecting. This pattern is the equivalent of a huge lost opportunity for sustaining and nurturing your partnership. The bedroom should be used for sleeping, sexual intimacy, or even pillow talk. Couple who do this are more relaxed with each other, feel closer, and sleep better.

Go2BedTogether“Getting into bed together allows us to cuddle and share skin-to-skin contact, which releases oxytocin, lowers anxiety and blood pressure, increases immune function, and helps to alleviate pain. It provides a quiet time and space to talk about your days, your stresses, your joys, and your relationship. It provides a regular opportunity for physical intimacy to happen — whether that means sex or just kissing, cuddling, scratching each other’s backs, and feeling each other’s embrace. And it sets you both up for getting a great night’s sleep, which leaves you feeling more refreshed and able to continue to nurture your intimate bond tomorrow.” ~ Lindsey Hoskins

With our busy lives, it is often a struggle to find space in our schedules for quality one-on-one time together. Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to often feel sexually excited.

Going to bed together at the same time is not always about sex. Going to bed with your partner is not just about sleeping either; it is also about bonding with the most important person in my life. Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing each other is a great time to talk about your day, the children, etc. I can recall when I was about 12, my parents would go to bed together and I could hear my parents talking for 30 minutes to an hour. I would often fall asleep before they stopped talking. This was their time to cuddle and communicate.

In some of my coaching sessions with couples, often one will say that after their partner goes to bed is the only peaceful time to herself to read a book or watch TV. That is after her husband and kids have gone to bed. When one partner is an early bird and the other a night owl this can be a potential issue. It’s important to reach agreement on matters such as this. If your partner is a night owl you may want to establish a new routine that you can both agree on. Set aside several nights each week to hit the sack together. Be careful not to start laying guilt trips on your partner if they choose to stay up longer than you.

In another coaching session, the husband was having an affair with his computer. No porn, just surfing and playing games until the early hours of the morning. It almost ruined his marriage. I encouraged his to surf the net for a limited time and at an earlier time in the evening and go to bed with his wife. He did. And about 30 days later I received a glowing e-mail of thanks from his wife. He got his relationship back.

Suggestion: Dump the TV from the bedroom. TV demands that you focus on the screen and not each other. TV in the bedroom pretty much puts a damper on everything.

Caution: Be careful not to use going to bed at different times as an avoidance tactic. If there are issues in your relationship and you find yourself drifting away from your partner, it may be time to: 1. Have a talk, 2. Decide to make some new choices about going to bed together at the same time and 3. Get relationship coaching.

It’s very special to end your day with the one you love. Why? Because it’s a gift that can only be shared with your spouse. Make it a priority to use this time to be close and to share special moments.

If you find yourself being distracted from your relationship by not going to bed together, you may need to ask yourself, “What am I avoiding with this behavior?” Just as important, ask yourself, “What am I missing out on by not going to bed with my spouse?” Most married couples with children make their kids have a bedtime to help them function better. Why not give yourself the same opportunity? I guarantee it will change your relationship for the better.

BONUS Article: So… What About Bedtime?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2014 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

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  1. […] Articles: Can Modern Technology Mess Up Your Relationship? So… What About Bedtime? Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time? Challenge: A 24 Hour Cell Phone Fast! Are You Taking Care of […]

    Pingback by 7 Tips to Sleeping Better and Feeling Energized Every Single Day | Larry James' BLOG — Monday, January 14, 2019 @ 8:31 am | Reply

  2. […] BONUS Articles: You Asked: What’s the Best Bedtime? Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time? […]

    Pingback by So… What About Bedtime? | Larry James' BLOG — Sunday, May 31, 2015 @ 8:31 am | Reply

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