I repeat, NEVER say the “D” word to your partner.
Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell. Once you threaten divorce it becomes an option.
Too many people are too quick to get a divorce. Something happens. You become angry and in the heat of battle, you threaten divorce. You should never make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil.
Marriage is the most sacred of trusts between two people. When you married, you made some promises. Just because you are disappointed at the anger, bitterness, ambivalence, or venom you are receiving from your partner, remind yourself that divorce is difficult for both people, no matter what the circumstances are. Divorce is a game changer.
“You shouldn’t get a divorce until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.” ~ Dr. Phil
Separation, divorce or death do not end a relationship… they only change it. As long as you have memory you will always be related. You can recognize when a relationship is over AND it never ends. You can be complete with a relationship but they never end. The relationship only becomes different… it never ends. Letting go and moving on is the difficult part.
Caution: Leave your friends and family out of your fights. It is not wise to share your marital woes with your friends. They are only hearing one side of the story and will often unknowingly talk you into divorce. Your friends often feel that they must choose who they will favor and who they will lose.
Try this: Instead of talking to your friends about your partner, commit to begin really listening to your partner for at least 30 days. You may discover the “real” problem. Before you end something, you need to make sure you can walk away saying, “We did everything we could do.”
Get support. Relationship coaching is a much better option. Get a relationship “tune up.” If your partner will not go, go alone. Stay focused on healing the relationship. Learn some coping skills. It may be better for you to seek counseling rather than starting over. Good coaches are experts at listening. They can often uncover the “real” source of your frustration with your partner.
The last word: When your partner is physically or emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, a compulsive gambler, a drug addict, a criminal, a deadbeat or some other trait that makes a marriage unsafe and unhealthy, it is justifiable to end the marriage (or relationship).
Copyright © 2013 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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