Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Making a Request vs. Nagging…

Filed under: Nagging — Larry James @ 2:00 pm

“Nagging women,” says BJ Gallagher, author of Women’s Work Is Never Done… and Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women, “are verbally castrating their husbands, emasculating them and turning them into resentful or resigned wusses. Women who nag their children are destroying what fragile self-esteem they might have, leaving their kids a legacy of years on a therapist’s couch.”

NaagNagNag“Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point.” ~ Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal Columnist

Nagging is really about not listening to each other. Effective communication and active listening are skills that will help your marriage grow stronger and get rid of the ever anoying nagging. Men and women must learn to speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to each other.

Nagging hare easy to form and hard to break. Constantly nag your man and you will push him away. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule.

Remember to acknowledge good behavior by saying, “Thank you.”

Can nagging really harm your marriage? You bet it can! It can be a deal breaker! Nagging is highly toxic to a relationship.

When men don’t respond to requests, the women feels unheard.

Being micromanaged by a nagger is demoralizing.

All of us nag our partners now and then without ever realizing it.

Someone once said, “Women nag because guys don’t listen!” ZAP! I admit that is mostly true, and some men nag too. Nagging drives men nuts! “Yes dear…” works, but it doesn’t solve the problem.

Most men want to please their partner and to keep them happy. So, if that’s true, men need to listen better and when a request is made, acknowledge that the request has been hear, then stop what they are doing and complete the request. If men could learn to do what is requested the first time, the second or third request wouldn’t appear to be nagging.

Some women believe that it’s not really nagging to remind their partner to take out the trash, it’s a “friendly reminder.”

The nagging effect: It kills the joy of being together.

naggingWIFEGuys: If your wife is nagging you, she probably has something to tell you and you’re not listening, so she’s going to keep on telling you until you do.

Some say to ignore nagging. That only prolongs the effect of it. “Honey, if you could (fill in the blank), etc.”

Change how you ask or remind someone. Tone of voice goes a long way. Make eye con­tact, clearly state your request, and then thank him when it’s done. Nagging shows that you think the other person can’t remember.

EXAMPLES of Nagging: You’re having another piece of cake? When was the last time you exercised? Those cigarettes are going to kill you. Did you clean the basement yet?Sit up straight. That’s enough Doritos. Have you finished your homework? Are you sure? For once in your life, could you pick up your dirty socks? You’re leaving the house looking like that? Do you plan on taking that mountain of trash to the curb anytime this month?

Instead of saying “Are you ever going to mow the lawn?” say “Do you think you will be able to mow the grass this afternoon? I would really appreciate it”

Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., author of Divorce Busting recalls one client who couldn’t stand that her husband never closed his dresser drawers. “This woman had talked herself blue in the face about it. One day she stopped talking, and left a large note on top of the open drawer: ‘Shut me. Your wife gets annoyed when I’m open.’ Her husband laughed, shut the drawer, and finally began changing the habit.”

Personally, I work best from a list of things to do. I know. You gals are saying, “I should have to make a list! He should know when the garbage if full and need to be taken out!!” You’re right. You shouldn’t have to remind him, however if an occasional Post-It® note or a list works best… why not? Guys are wired differently. Face it, most of us need help. You could simply hand him the garbage and say, “Honey, would you take this out for me, please?”

Guys: Pay more attention to you partners wants and needs.

If a woman feels responded to she won’t need to keep bringing up the same issues over and over again. Rather than assigning blame — is it the husband’s fault for not cleaning the kitchen, or the wife’s for griping so much about it – start looking for more productive ways to communicate.

If you need professional help, get it. Realize and acknowledge that the situation is out of control, and talk with somebody about it.

BONUS Video: Marriage Nagging

BONUS Article: She is Such a Nag!!!… AND What About Him?
Do You Have Audioapathy?
Meet the Marriage Killer
Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
Tips for Getting Your Sweetheart to do Chores — Without Nagging

heartsunsetCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

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  1. […] his t-shirts 20. Look to him to make the big decisions 21. Let her make the small ones 22. Don’t nag him 23. Put the seat down, pick up your socks for her 24. Renew your vows privately with whispers […]

    Pingback by 100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Rock | Larry James' BLOG — Thursday, October 24, 2013 @ 7:35 am | Reply

  2. I really believed that nagging is not healthy in every relationship. It does not give both of you a peace of mind but instead it gives you stress and anger.

    Comment by Lynne — Thursday, March 1, 2012 @ 1:09 am | Reply

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