Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Are You Afraid to be Vulnerable?

Filed under: Communication,Intimacy,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

It’s all about trust! Simple… but, for most, not easy.

CSLewis“Being truly vulnerable, transparent and genuine – becoming intimate – with your partner is not for the faint of heart. It takes a willingness to learn how your partner wants to be loved, emotionally and sexually, and to honor that. It requires you to have the emotional strength and spiritual courage of a warrior: committed to take on the difficult challenge ahead and never surrender. To succeed will be the greatest victory imaginable.” ~ Lori and Bob Hollander,

Fear keeps you segregated in your own little world. It also inhibits the ability to fully trust. When you can trust you can drop your guard a little. You must learn to trust yourself. It takes courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s the ability to overcome it and the ability to manage it. Courage allows yourself to be vulnerable. It allows you to recover the joy of loving. There are those who are so scared of being hurt that they never open themselves up to their partner because of fear, and as a result they avoid love, because they feel they know it will lead to pain and disappointment.

Although a former partner’s actions may have shattered your ability to trust, it can be very difficult to learn to trust again. Some people never move past a broken heart. However, you can learn to trust again, even after being deeply wounded in a past relationship.

“If we go through life drawing back, hovering, protecting, never fully committing because we are afraid of being hurt, we will never enjoy the richness of life or have relationships that bring lasting and deep satisfaction. And yes, sometimes that means we will be hurt. Disappointments will come. People will hurt us. And we will be tempted by thinking that if we’d never tried, or if we’d never opened ourselves up like that we would not have been hurt. But the risk we take is worth it. Opening ourselves up to life and to others brings opportunities for a life full of growth, joy, increased substance, but most of all to deep and abiding love.” ~ Sherrie Mills Johnson

Speaking what is true for us in our relationships takes courage and it takes practice. To do this we must have clarity about who we really are, what is important to us and why. In order to have the full experience of higher consciousness in your relationships you need to be able to speak your truth to those closest to you – and live with the consequences – especially those with whom you have an intimate relationship.

vulnerableIt takes a brave soul to really trust enough to be intimate. Although the protective shell of non-vulnerability helps when dealing with the outside world, those closest to us deserve to see us as we truly are. Intimate relationships take commitment. Commitment is a deep trust, a devotion discovered in the choice to be together. Commitment needs no agreements because it is based on desire, not obligation. A forever love relationship requires devotion, loyalty and a mature ability to commit to making the relationship work no matter what.

Trust brings lovers together. Consider it a Divine joining; the inevitable interweaving that occurs when two people love unconditionally and become as one. A feeling of deep inner security comes from the trust that is present with unconditional love; a love that never needs to be explained or negotiated.

If you want a deeply intimate relationship with your partner you must learn to trust. To genuinely share your intimacy, there must be open and honest conversation. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

One of the secrets to having healthy love relationships is to never be afraid to openly and honestly discuss whatever is relevant to the success of the relationship. Making mistakes is part of having a relationship. Those kind of issues are not to break us, but to make us stronger as a team. One of the biggest ironies is that in order to fully enjoy life and relationships we need to open ourselves up and be vulnerable.

coupleinbedLoveNote. . . Being able to share yourself in an atmosphere of safety and trust is the key to overcoming the fear that inhibits love. ~ Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D.

In healthy love relationships we neither lead nor follow. We walk hand in hand, trusting one another, side by side.

When it is appropriate, we can, without fear, let go for a while, always being nearby to love, to share and to support. Love is no tug-of-war.

Being open to new possibilities of Love enables you to explore your options more freely and to gain insight into the healthiest and most productive, growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself. Always trust and respect your love partner giving them the freedom to be who they are, always with your love and best wishes. When you can do that you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. Tuning into your own feelings enables you to recognize your personal humanity and gives you a healthy perspective of yourself and your partner. Share your feelings with those close to you and encourage them to do likewise.

Always remember, your relationship will only and always be as good as the two people working on it!

BONUS Articles: Trust Yourself
For Singles Only ~ Trust Your Heart! It Always Tells the Truth!
How to Learn to Trust Again

entwinedheartsCLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

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  1. What happens if you just can’t? I have opened myself and have gotten deeply hurt. How do you get over that? I just can’t seem to figure it out.

    Comment by Denise — Monday, August 20, 2012 @ 7:53 am | Reply

    • Denise – The magic of getting over being hurt when you have opened yourself up is forgiveness. It’s seldom ever easy and it takes time, but it’s worth it. You may want to read: “Forgiveness… What’s it For?” at: – Call me if I can help.

      Comment by Larry James — Tuesday, August 21, 2012 @ 3:20 pm | Reply

  2. That’s a really good post Larry and very true. Being in love really does make you vulnerable and open to pain… if you are truly to let yourself love and be loved then it is unavoidable. It is part of the natural duality of all things and love included. With great love can come great pain and we are always at risk with that. Beautiful… D and A

    Comment by Dean and Angella True Love Story — Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 11:43 pm | Reply

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