Larry James' BLOG

Friday, December 2, 2011

On What Street do You Live?

Filed under: Breaking Up,Coaching,Communication,Making Up,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Wouldn’t it be great if we all lived on “Love Street” and we would all make expressing Love to our partners and those around us the highest priority in our lives?

If the relationship you are in doesn’t feel like there is a lot of love showing up, it’s time to begin demonstrating a higher commitment to finding that love again.

LoveStreetSIGN“Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship; you’ll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.” ~ Hara Estroff Marano, Editor at Large of Psychology Today

Every relationship is different. Everyone has their ups and downs. It is important to work on your relationship every single day. If you can’t make it work – even though you both agree that you want to work together to make it work – it would be wise to get outside help. If you take the easy way out and split up, as Hara said, “You’ll only repeat it [the same problem] with the next partner.”

I’ve been a relationship coach since 1994 and I can confirm that problems to not go away by themselves and unless you fix the problem instead of running away… you WILL repeat it with your next partner.

Part of the problem is that we cannot possibly accept that we may be part (or even the cause) of the problem. We hold on to being right about our position and as a result everything collapses around us. We either run away, still blaming our partner, or stay together and hope everything works out and continue to remain on “Miserable Street” all the time knowing that it won’t work out. That’s sad.

I am also an award winning Wedding Officiant. Every couple that I marry receives a “Relationship Coaching Certificate” after the wedding. It’s good for one hour of free relationship coaching at anytime in the future (no expiration) should issues arise that the couple can’t seem to work out together. Although the largest percentage of these couples remain together, I am amazed when I hear that a couple is no longer together and they didn’t at least call to try to work it out.

coupleinloveIf you are running away from a relationship where there was once a lot of love, you are a coward if you don’t at least seek to understand what caused the problem and agree to work on it together or with a relationship coach. Part of the problem is that often we feel hopeless – that there is no use trying – because instead of heeding the warning signs (and there are ALWAYS warning signs) we wait until it’s too late and both partners give up.

We think that it will be different (or better) with someone else. Believe me, you must fix the problem or it won’t go away – even if you do end up with someone else.

Always keep your relationship on the front burner. Make it your top priority. When problems arise don’t wait! If something annoys you more than once or twice you owe it to your relationship to talk about about it as soon as possible. When we allow issues to marinate things always get worse. Not speaking up when they arise allows time to dredge up all the other stuff that we may be unhappy about and when we finally do say something – KaBOOM! – it’s World War III. Often it’s too late! If you threaten to break up with each other after every fight or argument, you will never really resolve anything.

Don’t wait. In the most loving way, express what is going on. Hold your temper. Don’t speak blame. Talk about the real issue. Take responsibility for your share of the problem. Problems are seldom only one persons fault. Settle disputes peacefully. Apologize, forgive, and make up with each other. Take breaking up off the table. Never be afraid to say, “I’m sorry!” Learn to communicate about anything and everything all the time. Re-establish trust. Romance is essential to all relationships. Love each other. Make plans to have fun together! Never give up!

i-m-sorryThere will be times when you are less aware of your loving feelings, more into your own interests, perhaps things have even become a little selfish and routine. Notice when this happens. Those are the times to remember all the wonderful things you have done together, and still want to do. Remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities he or she possesses that made you fall in love in the first place. Remember, your wants and needs are just as important as your partners. If you give nothing of yourself, then you’ll get nothing in return. Never stop doing the things that brought you together in the first place.

Always remember the Golden Rule! Doing the right things will help your relationship move to “Love Street!”

BONUS Article: Does Your Relationship Need a Wake-up Call?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.


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