Larry James' BLOG

Friday, November 4, 2011

Can You be Alone and Not be Lonely?

Filed under: Loneliness,Relationships,Self-Image — Larry James @ 9:00 am

The answer is YES although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. It has been my experience that mostly people who are bored with who they are will say, “No.”

The_lonely_girl_by_I_am_the_Night_AngelLonely? You’re not alone. There is no shame in singlehood. Being lonely often feels like being abandoned, unloved and even rejected by the world at large. People are particularly prone to loneliness when they’re making transitions, e.g., from marriage, the death of a loved one or in a relationship to being single again.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely unless we allow ourselves to feel that way most of the time. Loneliness can be made more intense by what you tell yourself it means. It is a very real feeling. If we continue to always feel that way, then we need to work on being comfortable with being with the one we are with. . . ourselves!

“We must know that loneliness does not arise out of isolation from others. It is when we are isolated from ourselves that loneliness makes its presence felt. It is the distracted and fragmentary life that we live that makes us feel lonely and prevents us from living in the present moment; because when we are feeling lonely, our mind is crowded with internal dialogues, memories of the past and apprehensions about the future.” ~ Nazia Mallick

So, how do you get out of this rut? Don’t sit around by yourself. Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people. The last thing you want to do is build a wall around yourself and become totally isolated from others. Explore new activities and hobbies, ride your bike, go to the park – lean against a tree and read a book, visit a museum, go to the theater (by yourself), meditate, hang around positive people, get some relationship coaching.

lonelyStart a journal. Not a diary, but a journal. Keep busy. Never wallow in self-pity or your loneliness. Learn to be happy with yourself and to enjoy solitary activities. When you love yourself it shows. People like to be around upbeat confident people. Don’t overwhelm others with your own problems. Look to the future. There is no future in the past! Stay away from bars. Don’t overindulge in alcohol and non-prescribed medication.

Do everything you can – even when you don’t feel like it – to get involved in anything where you will interact with other people. We’re talking “social” relationships. This is what I call beginning to build a bridge to the future. Look for activities that interest you, that involve groups of people, like sports, book clubs, church groups, political campaigns, concerts, art exhibitions, etc.

Second, (key point – pay attention) – avoid getting involved in another relationship. That is the biggest mistake that newly singles make. Resist the urge to follow friends advice who attempt to “fix you up” with their friends. That’s the wrong path to go down. No one is going to swoop in and rescue you. That alone is your choice to do the rescuing.

lonelymanVolunteer. Find someone who needs help: tutoring, babysitting, house painting, car washing, gardening, cleaning, etc. When you help others it help improve your attitude and more. You think you’re down and out? Volunteer to serve food at a homeless shelter.

“Silence can be an amazing thing. It teaches you how to truly listen. It teaches you to pay attention to what’s going on inside of you. Get in touch with yourself so that you can make conscious decisions rather than simply react to emotions. Appreciate the time you have to yourself.” ~ Denni Gill

On the other hand – having said, stay busy… you also need some alone time to re-evaluate what just happened and learn from “your” mistakes. While it’s true that loneliness is much more than an inconvenience, it can also be the best thing that every happens to you. It will get your attention and snap you back to reality. Being alone is an opportunity for reflection, self-discovery, and self-growth. It’s a time when you can learn to take care of your own emotional needs.

Work on you! Get to know you again. Take an inventory of your past relationship behavior. Don’t just concentrate on what you did wrong, also consider the things you did right. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and forgive your partner too. How can you love yourself, if you don’t spend some time alone to get to know you better?

“Don’t wait for your feelings to get you going – get going and good feelings will eventually catch up with you.” ~ Author Unknown

Want more love. Love yourself. Be more loveable. You have to give away what you wish to receive. You cannot deliver from an empty basket.

Use your alone time to enjoy yourself rather than just existing until you’re in your next relationship. There is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. My experience as relationship coach has taught me that when you can be alone and not feel lonely… that is usually when love will find you. So… there is hope!

BONUS Articles: Learning to Love the One You’re With!
New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
How Do You Work On You?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

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