Have you ever felt like you’ve lost track of where you are in the relationship? Perhaps it doesn’t seem to have the romance it once had or maybe you’ve drifted apart and you seem to be at an impasse?
It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve failed in any way. All that may mean is that you need a swift kick in the behind to get you back on track. A relationship coach might help.
The truth is that often the key ingredient that is missing in many relationships is plain old “common sense.” What is common sense? It is the sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge or training. Everyone has it. Some never put it to use. A relationship problem happens and common sense goes out the window.
When you love someone, it doesn’t make sense to slow down or stop communication with one another just because you have a disagreement. Smart people make it a point to move past the annoying problems that people with very little common sense allow to cause permanent damage to their relationship.
When communication stops – listening also stops. With no listening, there is no possible solution to the problem. A good relationship coach is a good listener. They will allow each other to speak and listen to what the other person has to say and if the couple can temporarily suspend judgment and their anger that is often a major step in resolving matters.
It doesn’t make sense to hold on to resentment or to not forgive your partner. To forgive means to “give up”, to let go. Let it go. Forgiveness is a journey. Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget AND you can still choose to forgive. You can forgive and tomorrow you may feel the pain all over again. As life goes on and you choose to remember and feel the pain, that is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, next, move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will eventually fade.
“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~ Alexandra Asseily, author of “The Garden of Forgiveness in Beirut”
One more thing about forgiveness; when you let it go. . . really let it go and do not bring it up again. That only reopens the wound and the hurt will never heal.
Sometimes just being able to freely express how you really feel about your partner – in the presence of your partner – opens up the opportunity to more clearly see the problem from both sides. A good relationship coach will listen and ask lots of questions the answers to which could and often does lead you to your own conclusion about what needs to be done. Once you have a better understanding of the reasoning behind your behavior, you will have a much easier time getting your relationship back on track, minus the resentment.
Notice that I said “behavior.” Your behavior in the relationship has to change for any positive change to occur. That is a fact.
It doesn’t make sense to hold on to being right when you know you are wrong. That’s called stupid! Do you want to be right or happy? Constantly fighting about little things doesn’t make sense either. If either of you can’t seem to get a point across without having a full-blown disagreement, a relationship coach can help you communicate better – in a way that benefits, rather than burdens, the relationship.
It never makes sense to blame your partner for everything in your relationship. As long as you are blaming anyone else for anything, you are giving away your power and creating more negative effects in your relationship. There is a payoff for everything you do. The payoff for pointing a finger at your partner and blaming him or her for your relationship condition is: you don’t have to take responsibility for your share of the problem.
Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.
So, the bottom line is this: Relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Trying to fix your own relationship is like standing in a bucket and trying to lift yourself up by the handle.
When your relationship is about to crash, it is wise to take immediate action. Never wait until your relationship is past the point of no return. Be brave. Call a relationship coach.
“The best time – in fact, the only time – to make a real change in your life is in the moment of seeing the need for it. He who hesitates always gets lost in the hundred reasons why tomorrow is a better day to get started!” ~ Guy Finley, author of “The Secret of Letting Go“
Preventative relationship maintenance works too!
Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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