Larry James' BLOG

Monday, February 21, 2011

Change Life. . . Start Fresh!

Filed under: Relationships,Video — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Perhaps the title of this article should be. . . “Change Your Relationship. . . Start Fresh!” Stop for a moment and read the title you just read again – out loud. It sounds compelling. Right?

freshstartHow nice would it be if it were all that easy. To begin again. To step away from and forgive each other for mistakes that were made and to take a first step in the right direction – together, while you are still afraid.

One of the reasons we have relationships is to learn more about them, to learn from them and to learn from each other, yet many people who are in them do not know “how” to be in them, what is expected of them or what do do once they are in them.

Fear is the real reason most relationships don’t work. The law of physics says that two things cannot occupy the same space. The awkward truth is that real Love cannot exist in the presence of fear.

“But there’s a deeper problem: the concept of the fresh start suggests a very bizarre notion of the self. It implies that you can “stand back” from your personality characteristics, nominate some of them for change, then set to work. But, obviously, we are those characteristics; they define us. The self doing the work is the self being acted upon. This needn’t mean change is impossible – clearly, it isn’t – but it makes things vastly more complicated. It means we’re inescapably implicated in what we’re trying to leave behind, and it makes the idea of a fresh start highly suspect. Start Where You Are is the title of three different books on happiness, but the real point isn’t that you ought to start where you are; it’s that you have no option: you are where you are.” ~ Oliver Burkeman

So. . . if you “are where you are,” where does a genuine fresh start begin? Notice I didn’t say, “when.” The “when” is NOW! And the sooner the better! You begin where you are! You can’t plan to do it. You just have to begin. It takes one giant leap of faith. It is NOT like a New Years resolution. It’s a stand you take for your relationship; one that pumps new life into it. The first step usually jump-starts the relationship. And it will re-energized the both of you.

“My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.” ~ From the movie, Forrest Gump

First, there is no easy first step. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It doesn’t happen overnight and it is possible. Start small. You need to understand this. A fresh start begins with small steps.

To paraphrase Mark Twain: “The secret of beginning again is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking what seems like enormously complex tasks that feel overwhelming into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”

You must be brave. It takes courage. Confession is good for the soul. Begin by admitting to yourself what is really going on and taking responsibility for your share of the problems in the relationship. Forgive yourself for past errors. Make yourself a promise to – next time – choose wisely what you say and what you do.

Next, (this is the brave part) start something new! Begin a conversation with your partner about what you are thinking and feeling in terms of the relationship and that your intention is to work together to make it better. No blame. Just constructive conversation. Make some new promises to each other.

(NOTE: Do no allow fear to rear its ugly head!). Feel the fear and do it anyway. Let go of all concerns except one. . . your concern about doing everything possible to get on with a better life with your partner. Have no undelivered communication. Be determined to have regular communication.

Talk about how you felt when you were first together and work to recreate those feelings. Those feelings won’t be the same, but taking about them will move you forward and – at least – you will begin to feel better about your relationship than you do right now. Plan to have fun together. Laughing together is one great way to bring some joy back into your relationship.

Forgive and forget doesn’t work. You will not forget, and with time, the hurts of the past will heal. Never, I repeat, never bring up the past once you have made your fresh start. It only reopens the wound. There is no future in the past. Let it go.

If you want to fix your relationship you have to do the work. Make a decision together that you both want a fresh start in your relationship. . . then begin.

If all else fails, read: “. . . And if All Else Fails!” Then, do what you know you must! Call a relationship coach!

BONUS Articles:Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
How to Make a Fresh Start in Life” by Guy Finley

NOTE: The title of this article is taken from words in the movie, “The Legend of 1900.” It’s about the nature of art, the power of music, the mystery of friendship and love. Most of all, it’s about how our fears prevent us from experiencing the immensity of life. I recommend that you watch it. – Larry James

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.


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