Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

You Know the Relationship is Over When. . .

Filed under: Breaking Up,Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

. . . one partner “refuses” to work on the relationship!

One cannot do the relationship work of two!

Have you lost that lovin’ feeling? Things have slowed down. Where’d the fun go? The spark just isn’t there anymore. You see all the signs and by the time you decide that something has to be done for the relationship to get better, one partner has already decided to give up or leave.

When you have experienced a pulling away, a slowdown in affection, sex and all the other important things that seemed to matter when you first met, it is often difficult to begin again. Denying what is before your eyes will not cause the problem to go away.

relationshipoverThe hardest part of coming out of a slump is that you both have to acknowledge you are in one. You cannot solve a problem that you cannot admit you have.

When the energy you pour into your relationship has slowed to a trickle, there are some things you can do.

Oh, my! If your partner refuses to work on the relationship, then it’s only up to you! Oh, really? Obviously one person cannot do the work of two. Remember you are in a partnership. It takes two!

The sad truth is, you know the relationship is over when one partner refuses to work on the relationship.

“Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship; you’ll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.” ~ Hara Estroff Marano, Editor at Large of Psychology Today

If you are thinking, “It’s no use. I’m tired of doing all the work in the relationship. He/She isn’t even trying. I’ve got to get out!” Think again. Your interpretation of how things are colors what happens next. It alters your forward motion. While in the heat of battle, it may feel easier to leave the relationship rather than do the work you committed to in the first place. The odds are against you.

Making another relationship work most likely will not work if you do not take time to work though the issues you are currently experiencing. You are already invested in this relationship. It is most difficult to start over in a relationship you are already in, much less begin a new one.

Adversity does not create a great relationship – it reveals it! Upsets create the wisdom necessary to grow in spite of the situation. Upsets stimulate courage to face what’s next. To have a problem be an experience of value, you must be attentive to the lesson the upset presents and be courageous enough to do what is necessary to avoid a future setback for the same reason.

Doing something different to rescue the relationship requires your personal urgency. It will take a leap of faith. This may feel like you are living your life in the leap; not being sure of what will happen or where you will land. It will also take courage. It will take both partners working together, making new promises and beginning with baby steps.

It’s time to make some new choices such as changing your thinking, constructing new behavioral patterns and changing your relationship from one that may be sinking into the abyss, into one you can be proud to be in.

breaking-upInvesting your time in working together a little each day on a few carefully selected “Slump Busters” will pay off handsomely in your relationship.

“Sometimes being in a relationship is easier than breaking up. Break-ups are painful, awkward, and drawn-out for a reason, they suck. It’s never as easy as it looks in movies, a break-up text is basically asking for a punch in the face, and the whole “it’s me, not you” excuse works about as good as pulling out. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.” ~ Molly Cody

If your partner refuses to work on the relationship and blames you for everything. . . you will be face with the fact that you may have to make some new choices about staying in the relationship. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship. It’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that’s quickly going south. BUT. . . be sure you end it for the right reasons.

You can’t fix stupid and you can’t fix crazy, but you can fix yourself. 😉 No one that can change your life for the better but you!

Often calling a relationship coach can make all the difference in helping you get down to the “real” truth about your relationship. At least they can help you learn to cope with a partner unwilling to do anything different.

“Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it.” ~ Brian Cramer

BONUS Articles:Relationship “Slump Busters” – Here you will find one thing to focus on for each week of the year! 52 ways to make your relationship better! Take the challange and watch your relationship prosper!
Want a Great Relationship? Fix Yourself FIRST!!”
When to Call It Quits


Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.


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