NOTE: This article is in two parts. There is a link to “Quick to Blow Your Top? Put a Lid on it! – Part #2” at the bottom of this article.
Hotheads, take heed: All that anger may end up harming your heart, to say nothing of your relationship! Anger, even when justified, shuts down communication. Words spoken in anger inflict wounds that sometimes take a long time to heal. Think first, then speak.
We all do things that anger our love partners but reasonable people can talk about those things and don’t have to throw a temper tantrum or call their partner names or whatever they do.
When misunderstandings surface, it is easy to misinterpret what is really going on. Remember that how you express your anger is being translated by someone who has no idea how you feel. It is as if love partners speak two different languages. It is often difficult to remember this when you are in the heat of battle. Wait for the dust to settle, then ask your lover to translate their feelings in a way that you can listen. . . with understanding.
Whenever you become angry you are given the choice to challenge the anger or to surrender to it. Anger loses its power and you are empowered each time you challenge it. You have the power to transform the energy of anger to a constructive experience of release; a letting go of an emotion that can stifle your potential for personal and spiritual growth.
When disagreements cause you to experience anger, in the middle of all of this, seldom does anyone ever stop to consider the damage that is being done by the choice of words that are spoken. Anger underminds your ability to be considerate of the one you say you love. Sure, it’s wise to let off steam, in a loving way, of course, but the pot shouldn’t be allowed to boil over. That’s when things get messy.
Some people have an event like this and never talk about it again. Then they continue to wonder why the same thing happens over and over again.
Mature love partners will allow for a time of “cooling off,” then in their most gentle and understanding way talk the situation through so each can be complete with it. They give up being right and instead choose a happier path. Stressful events are not there to break us, they are there to make us stronger; to help us learn from the experience and make our time together a time of expressing love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.
Anger distorts our ability to interpret accurately. He continues, “I can’t believe you said that! That’s just not the way it happened!”
Suddenly he shouts, “Next time I’m going to video the argument because based upon YOUR interpretation you could not have been in the same place that I was!”
And she is thinking the same thing!
Never say things you do not mean. In anger we often say things that we later say we really didn’t mean. You cannot un-ring a bell. Once the words are spoken, they are out there and regardless of whether you let it slip, those words can do great damage to the relationship.
Never say, “I’m just telling you how I feel” as an excuse when you have said something hurtful. You cannot whitewash thoughtless and careless comments by claiming to express your feelings. While it is true that feelings that are buried alive never die, you must choose the right time and the most loving words to express yourself to your partner. Think before you speak!
If what your partner is saying is causing you anger or resentment, then have agreements about how to talk about that without intentionally saying “hurtful” things.
When you are angry is a good time to take a time-out to carefully choose your words, then come back later and say, “When you do (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank).” That manner of speaking cushions the conversation, making it easier for your partner to listen and has what you say be not about what they did or are doing, but how you are feeling.
Only one thing activates, then converts the negative energy of anger into positive energy. . . intention. The intention must be to do something different; something that works. When you discover that what you have been doing isn’t working, the only logical thing to do is to do something different.
We are talking about change. Yes, it is uncomfortable to change. You must decide which is the most uncomfortable. The same energy you expend on anger, when re-directed, can help free you of the negative emotions you feel when you are angry. Freeing yourself of these negative emotions is something you do. It is never dependent upon whoever or whatever you think is the cause of your anger.
Disagreements are a signal that your love partner needs care and understanding. Develop a way of listening that allows you to hear the anger without becoming defensive. Because they are angry does not mean you are not loved. You can love and be angry at the same time.
NOTE: To read: “Quick to Blow Your Top? Put a Lid on it! – Part #2,” click here!
Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.
Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Authors & Speakers” BLOG at: http://authorsandspeakersnetwork.wordpress.com/