Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

For Men Only – Have No Undelivered Communication!

Filed under: Communication,For Men Only — Larry James @ 7:00 am

When you have a problem, not communicating with your partner about it sends a message of its own. She then gets to make up what she thinks the non-spoken messages convey. Women are skilled in this activity.

She might conclude that you do not love her as much as you used to. She might decide you just do not care anymore. HER lesson is to understand that when you do talk, it is time to honor YOUR feelings and just listen. On the other hand – what is she supposed to think? You won’t talk! You often totally close down at the most inopportune times, sometimes because you don’t know what to say or how to say it.

Maybe you are afraid you might appear weak, or she might lose respect for you, and on and on. Maybe it is because every time you do allow yourself to become vulnerable enough to talk, she butts in with HER feelings!

blahblahThe typical woman has a need to verbalize, communicate, declare, express, vent, chatter, discuss, dialogue and debate the problem; she needs to continue to talk about it until she is finished talking about it. To her, this means she cares. It is the way SHE solves problems. YOUR lesson is to know that this is the way she is.

When you do decide to talk, request that she only listen and hear you out. Let her know you will be willing to listen to how SHE feels at another time. Speak up. Do the thing you fear to do and the death of fear is certain.

What you can talk about heals; it no longer holds you prisoner.

Be sure what you say to your sweetheart is worthy of her listening! Not just more of your, “Blah, blah!”

“If you can’t say it with, “Blah!” – don’t say, “Blah, blah!” ~ Don Hutson

Being emotionally honest and having intimate conversations can cause you to feel vulnerable. Show her you really care. . . talk to her. Be a real man, a man who communicates with his lover. In every scenario there are at least two lessons – one for her and one for you.

couple2You begin making love to your partner when you give her a smile, tell her she looks and smells good and by declaring a cheery, “Good morning!” It continues when you take a moment from your work at the office and give her a brief phone call, one that says, “I was thinking about you!” Perhaps we could call this, all-day foreplay! If you always expect this variety of kindness to lead to sex, you are missing the point.

Being there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on and being a committed listener, one who offers her your complete attention when she only wants to talk, is all part of being a good love partner. Paying sincere compliments, equally sharing household responsibilities and being her best friend is not just being good to her to get what you want! It expresses love.

Women can detect insincerity a mile away. When you offer her your complete attention, you give her a wonderful gift. You call attention to the fact that you respect her as a woman and your friend without demanding anything in return.

Your love partner must be the song in your heart. She must come before all else. She needs someone who will always be there for her. She deserves the best, most wholesome and healthy lover you can be. She wants you to take care of yourself. She needs the kind of lover she can count on to watch after her needs.

If you want to receive what you need from her, (appreciation, acceptance and trust), then you must give her what she needs, (affection, understanding and most of all, RESPECT). These are only a few of our most primary needs. When the relationship is fine-tuned and on target, the sensual music you make together is the kind of music that inspires commitment, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness and love.

couple1It is time you realize the magic of those spontaneous moments, like blowing her a kiss from across the room or taking her hand, kissing it and telling how much you love her. Although they have no sexual overtones, she will feel the tenderness of the moment. Perhaps she will remember it when you are making love by whispering how special it made her feel. She may even allow it to inspire her. You will feel appreciated and, in time, your thankfulness for being appreciated will show up in more reciprocal tenderness from her.

Become intentionally spontaneous. Make time for the feeling to strike you. Think of ways you can make her feel special. Never take for granted the lingering magic of those sudden impulses to recognize your lover for who she is.

Women can often tell a man’s interest in them by the length of his attention span. It’s one thing to pay attention and quite another to continue to pay attention until she has had her say. Make sure your eyes are on her! Give her as much time as she needs to say what is in her heart. Totally focus on what she is saying and stay quiet.

She wants your attention. Give it to her! She needs to know you are really hearing what she is saying. Listen to her! Don’t try to fix anything. . . only listen, then (choosing your words very carefully) acknowledge that she has been heard.

Guys. . . PLEASE! No more undelivered communication!

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

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