Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Before You Blow Up, Cool Down

Filed under: Relationships — Larry James @ 7:00 am

Anger spills over into all areas of your life. Unresolved anger transfers to others you are in relationship with.

Anger, when released, without dumping on your relationship, is good. Anger is not bad. We only call it bad because we feel its negative energy. It is only bad when we express it in hurtful and thoughtless ways.

When we are angry our feelings change from moment to moment. Anger produces feelings that are unreliable.

Our feelings often rise and fall as our energy is drawn from the unstable emotions present when anger is being expressed. In those moments our feelings may not be the most reliable source of information to help us move past it.

Always do your best to avoid, at all costs, the necessity of experiencing the negative results of anger. The healthy release of anger must be presented in a way that empowers the relationship; anger expressed without blame, without pointing fingers.

To avoid unnecessary pain, it is important to learn that anger must be expressed with an attitude of acknowledgment; acknowledgment for the responsibility you have for your equal share of the upset.

It is never appropriate to suppress anger or to disregard how we really feel about it. When we feel anger, it is a very real feeling; at that moment, we have an intimate relationship with it.

Anger is difficult to contain. When we are angry, we often feel a need to demonstrate it, talk about it and let people know that we are indeed angry. Only and always talking about it is not enough. Talking about it helps only if your intention is to seek to understand it or to find a way through it, not to justify it or hold on to it.

In reality, anger is a derivative of and an expression of fear. To transcend or master fear, we must turn our back on it; exercise courage. Love cannot exist in the presence of fear. It is impossible for opposites to co-exist. They cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So. . . we drift. Back and forth. Love. Fear. Love. Fear.

We must learn to express love to ourselves and to others in the midst of upsets. Releasing anger in healthy ways proves we are capable of creative acts of wholeness. Healing is always around the corner. It shows up when we have the courage to let go of the anger and fully embrace love.

When you have disagreements, watch for the appropriate opportunity to share what is really in your heart. Little, if any progress can be made during meltdown. Allow a time for cooling off. This is a time when you must work together to create a space for each love partner to express their feelings without any fear that it isn’t safe to do so.

alluneedisluvListen. Communicate. Give up your attachment to being right and settle for a win/win solution that serves both love partners equally.

Only one response to conflict opens the door to greater intimacy; an intent to learn from the experience.

Before you blow up, cool down.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

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  1. […] reality, anger is a derivative of and an expression of fear. To transcend or master fear, we must turn our back on […]

    Pingback by 4th 100 Tweets from Larry James’ Relationship Twitter! « Larry James' BLOG — Thursday, September 30, 2010 @ 7:39 am | Reply

  2. It’s interesting, I see anger in couples as passion. In fact I worry for couples who have stopped arguing because there is no point.

    Seeing an argument as positive will help the couple understand that they care enough about each other to want to be heard.

    The key to stopping this misguided passion is to understand the meanings that created the conflict.

    Nice post

    Thank you


    Comment by Relationship Coach — Friday, June 25, 2010 @ 10:26 am | Reply

    • Stephen = I agree. Airing disagreements is a positive thing. Undelivered communication is the #1 problem in relationships. As I said in my post, “Only one response to conflict opens the door to greater intimacy; an intent to learn from the experience.”

      Thank you for your comment.

      Comment by Larry James — Friday, June 25, 2010 @ 11:34 am | Reply

  3. Anger is the worst enemy of man. Words from mouth cannot be reversed. So, it’s really important to control anger and what you say rather than repenting later. Cool head takes you long even in situations of arguments!

    Comment by STD Dating Sites — Friday, June 25, 2010 @ 3:49 am | Reply

  4. Good post… similar thinking, I pray your words reach the eyes intended.

    Comment by nobusysignal — Tuesday, June 22, 2010 @ 7:34 am | Reply

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