Larry James' BLOG

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Want a Great Relationship? Fix Yourself FIRST!!

Filed under: Relationships — Larry James @ 6:00 am

You can’t fix stupid and you can’t fix crazy, but you can fix yourself. ūüėČ

You want to fix people because you love them, however, you cannot fix or change someone else. Your motives may be pure and it simply is not possible. Give it up. They are not broken. They are just not perfect. Continue to love them and appreciate them and work on you. Never stop working on you.

If your love partner doesn’t keep up, who fault is that? Two broken people can’t fix each other. It’s a sad state of affairs, but you have to live with ‘you’ for the rest of your life. You are the most important person in the relationship. You come first.

Change yourself and you give others the power to change if they choose to. Being the best you can be in spite of your partner’s lack of interest in personal growth or the growth of the relationship can be the very thing that serves as the inspiration needed for them to be willing to initiate change for themselves.

fixyourmarriageWant to fix your marriage? A great relationship begins with fixing yourself. Before you can attract others to you, you have to make sure that your head is screwed on straight and the way you live is all in order.

If you are single, usually the heart is crying for adventure, which can only be found by embarking on your own personal journey of self-discovery. You will discover your sense of adventure in a state of solitude, not in a relationship. Your sense of adventure will carry over into the relationship, but can never genuinely be found there to begin with. You create your own sense of adventure.

Your heart may never be free enough to really be adventurous until, at your new level of awareness, you recognize the value of love-of-self. Within this very personal accomplishment you will discover the richest source of self-esteem and unconditional love.

Clarify your relationship mission. Stop trying to fix everyone else. If your relationship is broken, begin by making new friends with the person you see in the mirror every morning. Put yourself first. Looking good and making yourself feel attractive to others is a responsibility you should not take for granted.

If your self-esteem is going down the drain because you feel that everyone you care about ends up leaving you. . . it’s time to fix you. You’re not the only person who is going through this kind of problem. But you can be the one who actually recognizes this fact and does something about it.

If your past haunts you. . . know this: You can’t even fix your past. It’s gone. Forgive yourself and let it go. Leave the past where it belongs. In the past. Don’t dwell on past experiences. You can’t change or fix that either.

You can fix your attitude about relationships. You can fix your thoughts. If you always do what you’ve always done and you keep getting the same result. . . do something completely different.

When couples approach relationships in the same way, they make sense to each other. When they don’t, they may not understand each other, and they may see one another in a negative way. Shooting from the hip and taking time to aim are both important, but each is appropriate at different times. We tend to be invalidated when we approach things differently from our partner. This leads to the real problem: other people are trying to fix us.

Most people who are into “fixing” need some major work themselves. Fixing yourself is not about achieving perfection in the eyes of anyone else. It is about growing in acceptance for who you are at any given moment, or time in your own mind.

You alone know what could be better in your life and your relationships. When you identify a problem, take immediate action to get it fixed. Don’t blame your partner. If you do, you become part of the problem. Only a complete idiot would know what should be done and do nothing. Do something about it.

“Oh, but you just don’t know. I have so many problem!” You can’t fix everything all at once. The key to finding solutions to your relationship problems is working on them one at a time. If they are willing, brainstorm with your partner and then put the solutions you come up with together into action. It is best if you and your partner can work together to learn skills and techniques for keeping your relationship strong. If not. . . don’t use that as an excuse to not get started yourself.

Maybe you need a “relationship with yourself” make over. Relationship education comes in all shapes and sizes. Hire a relationship coach. Read a good relationship book. Attend a relationship seminar. Search the Internet. There are thousands of relationship articles available.

You have to be willing to reach out and get that knowledge before you can “reach out and touch someone.” ūüėČ

Then comes the adventure!


Copyright ¬© 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact:, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – and

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.


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  1. I blog often and I truly thank you for your content.
    This great article has really peaked my interest.
    I am going to book mark your blog and keep checking for
    new information about once a week. I opted in for your RSS feed

    Comment by Anonymous — Friday, September 19, 2014 @ 7:02 pm | Reply

  2. This suggestion will be a great benefit to me, thanks.

    Comment by Thank you! — Thursday, May 24, 2012 @ 6:01 pm | Reply

  3. Another great article. Wisdom comes with age. My wife has been telling me “fix yourself” for fifty years. But, we are still happily married.

    Comment by Online Advice — Thursday, February 23, 2012 @ 6:09 pm | Reply

  4. […] BONUS Articles: “Relationship “Slump Busters” – Here you will find one thing to focus on for each week of the year! 52 ways to make your relationship better! Take the challange and watch your relationship prosper! “Want a Great Relationship? Fix Yourself FIRST!!” […]

    Pingback by You Know the Relationship is Over When. . . « Larry James' BLOG — Tuesday, January 4, 2011 @ 7:05 am | Reply

  5. […] If you do not cherish the companionship you find with yourself then you can never find it with someone else. Be your own best friend. […]

    Pingback by 4th 100 Tweets from Larry James‚Äô Relationship Twitter! « Larry James' BLOG — Thursday, September 30, 2010 @ 7:39 am | Reply

  6. I love the whole idea of looking at yourself and making sure things are right in your life, before looking to attract a great relationship. Things will fall into place after that. Nice article

    Comment by Chris — Thursday, April 29, 2010 @ 2:55 pm | Reply

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