Larry James' BLOG

Friday, February 26, 2010

You’ve Got Male! For Women Only!

Filed under: For Women Only,Relationships — Larry James @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , , , ,

In my coaching sessions with women, both married and single, I often hear them say, “I wish he would change, but know he isn’t going to. I guess I’ll just have to continue to pick up his socks and beg for the TV remote.”

You’ve got male!

Hope is the knowledge that change is possible, even when it seems hard to imagine or believe in a world that seems eager to knock you down with every chance. – Stephen McCarty

Men are different. They really are from Mars. Many woman would agree that most men – not all – are little boys in big bodies! They are often annoying, sometimes they are real jerks and then there are the men that really seem to get it. They understand that women want men who are respectful, loving and sensitive to their needs.

Men do some pretty stupid things at times. They tend to excel in this regard. It’s not that men are dumb or stupid, they just do a bunch of dumb things at times. Men are widely known for their straight talking and tell-it-like-it-is attitude. But sometimes, they say and do things that are really dumb. Things that more often than not, get them into trouble. Men need to stop doing dumb things and start doing smart things. Half of being smart is know what you’re dumb at. (See the list of smart things at the end of this article).

More often than not, it’s a matter of poor judgment. George Mobus says, “As for why smart people do dumb things: It should be clear that if intelligence and judgment are different cognitive processes, then it is entirely possible for people we judge to normally be very intelligent to do something we think is stupid from time to time.”

youvegotmaleThey seldom put the toilet seat down.
Some act like complete douche bags!
They have no or few relationship skills.
Some fail to discipline biological urges and cheat.
They use controlling and manipulative tactics to try to get what they want.
Some could care less about porcelain splash or the discomfort it causes women.
They flirt and check out other women when they should put all their attention on you.
They often try to be someone they are not.
They take their wedding ring off when out with the boys.
They rarely let go of the TV remote.
They think acting tough is appealing to women.
They talk about their ex and past relationships.
They lie about how much money they make.
They don’t think before they speak or shut down and refuse to talk.
They don’t know that “my bad” is not an acceptable response but “I’m sorry” is.
They pass gas, belch, etc., as if no one else was around (and some laugh about it and think it’s funny!).
They are emotionally unavailable.
When it comes to finances, they spend money they know they don’t have.
They talk about themselves all the time.
They wear cartoon underwear.
They pretend they don’t have any personal flaws.
They make promises they know they can’t keep.
They always have to be right or think they are.
They are insecure and don’t make eye contact during conversation.
They walk into the bathroom without knocking first.

I’ve pointed out some of the guys less-than-admirable traits to demonstrate that sometimes men are like that. But not all men. Women need to know this. If women keep attracting men that do stupid things, perhaps they need to look somewhere else and look at why they think they keeping attracting the same kind of men.

If your relationship is in trouble, it is very hard to love someone you don’t get along with, or like because of the dumb things they do.

“The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them.” – Oscar Wilde

The stupid things that men do have negatively impacted both their current and past relationships. Without being mindful of the end result, their foolish decisions have only contributed to their own unhappiness, misfortune and broken relationships. Men who do stupid things should be given the “Blue Ribbon for Stupidity” award.

Question: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
Answer: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

He leaves his socks around, he gets so into his football game that he can’t hear you calling. He works past 6 p.m. and has a habit of eating too much, which is not necessarily healthy. He snores. He won’t do dishes. He is often critical of your cooking. It doesn’t help to complain about it all, and does he listen? Nope.

But wait! Flash back and remind yourself:

He is a hard worker and provides for his family.
He is complimentary when you’ve prepared a great meal.
He picks up the table after supper and takes care of the dishes.
He occupies your 3-year-old so you can take a breather.
He tells you “I’ll cook tonight” and then orders pizza when we’ve had a tough week.
He makes a pretty delicious chai latte in the evenings.

A widow recently made a comment that shifted my perception, she said, “I would love to see his dirty socks lying around everywhere because that would mean he is here”.

So yes, when the annoying aspects arise, embrace them, for they are as much a reminder that he is there with you as the enjoyable aspects he offers, which reminds you that he is there for you.

Life with a spouse or partner is never always bliss – but it’s better than being on a ship and facing stormy weathers alone.

There are some things that guys do that they often do not admit to. Guys do them to impress women or maybe it is just because they love them.

Watch “chick” flicks!
They dance with you, even when he claims to not be a good dancer.
They groom themselves – especially if it’s important for them to “look good!”
Some men cry.
They stick up for you.
Some men remember important dates, like when you met, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
They occasionally serve you breakfast in bed.
They have “headaches” to avoid having sex.
They pour you a warm bath and offer a foot rub.
Some men actually listen.
Some read women’s magazines and relationship books.
They preen.
They know how to make you smile when you are feeling down.
They drink girly drinks.
Some get creative and plan an original night out.
They are loyal to brand names.
They send “romantic” greeting cards or flowers to say, “I’m sorry!”
They embrace their feminine side.
Some men do housework to free up more time to spend together.
They notice other good-looking guys.
They leave love notes and stash them away where their sweetheart will be sure to find them, whether in the car, under her pillow or in a travel bag.
They tell you not to cook tonight because they have a surprise – then bring home take-out from a favorite restaurant.
smartenupSome guys pee sitting down to avoid porcelain splash thus causing you not to be PEE-ved at them.

When you are angry is a good time to take a time-out to carefully choose your words, then come back later and say, “When you do (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank).” This manner of speaking cushions the conversation, making it easier for your partner to listen and has what you say be not about what they did or are doing, but how you are feeling because of it.

TIP for women: Rather than nag or complain about the things your man does that annoy you. . . catch him doing something right. Nagging usually doesn’t work. Men (and women too) need recognition and appreciation for what they do that pleases you.

When you become angry about the stupid things he does it is a good time to take a time-out to carefully choose your words, then come back later and say, “When you do (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank).” That manner of speaking cushions the conversation, making it easier for your partner to listen and has what you say be not about what they did or are doing, but how you are feeling about it.

If your partner’s stupid things get to the point where they become a big problem that is always showing up, perhaps you should consider a relationship coach to help YOU better cope with the situation.

NOTE to the guys: It’s the little things that often mean the most. Treat her with respect. Smarten up! 😉


Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

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