Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Random Thoughts to a Coaching Client

Filed under: Coaching,Relationships — Larry James @ 1:39 am

Letting go is not complicated. It is simple. Not easy. Simply identify the situation you want to let go of and ask yourself, “Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?” If the answer is “no,” then that’s it! Let go. Telling someone is a bonus. Detachment is only for you, never for another. It promotes healing. Choice is always present when you let go. You do not have to let go and there are consequences.

Letting go of behavioral patterns that no longer serve us often feels as though we are risking our safety and comfort.

Calculated risks taken for the benefit of our own well being are worth taking. This form of movement is safer than standing still. Those who remain stationary become an easy target for misery of their own creation.

The energy we expend by holding on often leaves us drained and with a feeling of hopelessness.

Letting go does not mean you should stop doing whatever it takes to make your relationship work. Let go of your expectations about how you think it might work out and instead focus all your energy on what you want, not what you don’t want.

Expectations vs. Needs! We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem: a problem we create by our expectations. Try this: “no expectations, fewer disappointments.” It’s that simple. Not easy. Simple. No expectations equals unconditional love.

We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don’t show up, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.

Unfulfilled expectations always causes problems. It is important to allow our love partner the freedom to fulfill our needs in their own best way. To do so, can only inspire a love that goes far beyond what we ever could have imagined What you can be with in life. . . lets you be!

It takes no strength to let go; only courage. Courage is a byproduct of a positive self-image.

When there seems to be a lack of love, it is only that you are keeping it away.

Whenever you feel lonely, deprived or rejected, tell yourself that there is never a lack of love. Love is always available everywhere, especially inside of you. Then stop and realize, you can always open your heart. You can give to others the love you have been longing for. When you do this, not only do you feel better, but love from others soon comes streaming back to you.

Exercise: Look around and see who is right there around you. Find something positive about that. Become aware of your negative judgments of them and let them go. Become aware of the distance that you are creating between the two of you by your own thoughts. Now, find something else positive about them. If you feel you can, tell them. (This step make take awhile to do. It is not absolutely necessary in the beginning, just finding something positive is a great help as well).

This action of finding something positive about another person, and “letting go” of negative, judgmental thoughts about them, is in itself an act of love. It is a way of exercising our love giving-receiving ability, strengthening our muscles and seeing the beauty in everyone.

We are strongest when we are letting go of what doesn’t work. That’s change in action. When we open our mind to behave in a different way, we create the freedom to love. To open our hearts to love is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to ourselves.

When you finally understand that it is “not” unfashionable to negotiate situations rather than standing firm and allowing the past to rule your present, relationships become relationships you can live with.

When you understand that time spent justifying your position that is not working is futile, you can then move forward with a velocity that frees you to address the issues and deploy solutions that are clearly essential to everyone’s well-being.

We use reasons to explain away why we don’t want to do something different; reasons why we don’t want to change. If we know that doing something different might help the situation, not doing something different is called “stupid.” The best reason why has never solved the problem.

Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn’t do something different instead of results. When we make the decision to go for results in our love relationships. . . that’s the real moment we make a decision to grow and prosper.

May all your prayers be “Thank Yous!”

Copyright © 2007 – Larry James. Adapted from the book, “How to Really Love the One You’re With.” Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE.

NOTE: All articles listed in this BLOG are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

For details on Relationship Coaching with Larry James, click here.

Advertisements

Leave a Comment »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: