Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Hit the Road, Jack…

There is NEVER a good reason for a man to emotionally and physically abuse a woman! One out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

There is NEVER a good reason for a woman to emotionally and physically abuse a man! It is estimated that one in six men will experience domestic abuse at some time in their lives.

RELabuseThe bottom line is that abusive behavior is NEVER acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. No one deserves to be abused and there is no justification for violent crime in the case of physical abuse.

Tell them to, “Hit the road, Jack… and don’t you come back no more, no more…”

“There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.” ~ Source: HelpGuide.org

Abuse is rarely ever a “one time” thing! Most domestic abuse is systematic and premeditated, not a momentary loss of self-control. Most experts agree, abuse is repetitive and predictable. Often when it happens once, it will happen again. Partners caught up in the relationship may not agree because their partner “promised” to never let it happen again and because they don’t believe, they may continue to stay in the relationship rather than leave.

Abuse is a systematic pattern of control and intimidation. Apologies may be another form of coercion and do not provide evidence that he/she has taken responsibility for the abuse and means to keep their promise that it will never happen again.

Victims of abuse – emotional and/or physical – hear me loud a clear… It is not your fault! I don’t care what the abuser tells you.

What is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. The victim of the abuse quite often doesn’t see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

Emotional abuse is every bit as serious a problem as physical abuse. In fact, its consequences can be deeper and more wide reaching. Almost always, the effects of emotional abuse can take longer to heal than all but the very worst of physical injuries.

What is physical abuse? Do we really need to provide an answer to that question? Physical abuse is the only reason you need to leave the relationship. What is going on is illegal and help is available. If an abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don’t engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to sooth him/her. Recognize that you can’t fix them, keep quiet and simply walk away. A long way away.

“The only difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse is, you cannot see the scars upon the heart!” ~ Larry James

People who have been abused in several ways often say that it was the emotional abuse that had the most effect on them. Being constantly undermined, criticized and humiliated can turn someone who was once confident and outgoing into a nervous, anxious person.

stop-domestic-violenceWhy Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships? ~ Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Partners with low self esteem in abusive relationships have varying reasons for remaining in them.

1. Some abused people feel they cannot leave their relationships because they are economically dependent on them.
2. Other abused people stay because they believe that is the proper thing to do, given their religious or cultural background.
3. Still other abused people may rationalize staying in abusive relationships because they think it is the right thing to do for their children. (My opinion: The children may be in fact far more damaged by staying in proximity to an abusive father than they would be by being raised by a single mother). Statistics show that in 50 to 70% of homes where men assault women, children are abused as well.

Find support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. Seek a shelter. Begin to develop an exit plan. You can’t remain in an emotionally and/or physical abusive relationship forever.

If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving right now, make developing a plan for leaving as soon as possible be your highest priority. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered. There is only one way to “control” an abuser: Take away their ability to control and harm you by putting lots of distance between the two of you.

Need help? Here are three resources. Visit WomenShelters.org list of shelters for women in Phoenix, AZ. There are very few shelters for men, however, visit HomelessShelterDirectory.org to begin your search. CALL highly-trained advocates who are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship. Visit TheHotLine.org or call 800-799-7233.

BONUS Articles: Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships?
Are You Emotionally Abusive? Questions for Men to Ask Themselves
Understanding Verbal Abuse
Too Miserable to Stay, Too Frightened to Leave
Domestic Violence Sucks!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

It’s Never Too Late to Get Back on Track… S#XUALLY!

Filed under: Intimacy,Sex — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: , , , ,

“In 2016 the number of states where same-sex marriages are legal will reach 32, plus the District of Columbia. The next year sexless marriages finally become illegal, making most married people lawbreakers!” ~ Bob Saget ;-)

Come on. Where’s that sparkle you felt when you first came together? When you work together – I mean, “really” work together – those feelings can be resurrected. Do you sometimes wonder what happened to that randy, can’t-get-enough couple you used to be? You know, before the fatigue of everyday life set in and before the kids arrived. Back when you could have the week from hell and still strap on your dancing’ shoes and, after a great night out, have energy for sex. If you just sighed nostalgically, I get it.

RELBackonTrackIf your partnership has been sexless for a while, the fire can be rekindled. It takes courage. It’s not easy, especially if the two of you really don’t talk about it anymore. Someone has to take the first step while they are still afraid. You have to be vulnerable and willing to be rejected. Sexual intimacy should be a big part of your marriage and your intimate conversations. It’s a time when you can let go and truly be “together,” sharing your love for one another.

If you’re interested in just getting back to some good ole fashion love making, these fifteen ideas will get you going in the right direction. Try adding one idea to your week for the next fifteen weeks! Share this article with your partner to get things started.

1. Become a couple with unwavering commitment to doing whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work. Remember, problems always show up in the bedroom. If you want great sex, never deny your partner the attention necessary to let them know they are loved, appreciated and respected. Relationships are something that must be worked on ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed.

2. Have a passion for life’s sexual journey and for the processes required to go from boring to bliss in the bedroom. Be creative with your passion. Direct it toward your partner. Nurture it. Enjoy and revel in it.

3. Become dedicated to mutual pleasure for both you and your love partner. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you!

4. Learn to be intentionally spontaneous and open for the opportunity to make love when it presents itself; during a lunch break, in the back seat of your car or by arousing your partner from a deep sleep in the middle of the night.

5. Perfect the ability to communicate openly and honestly your most secret sexual desires and needs. Be responsible for your own sexual pleasure by asking for what you need or taking care of yourself.

6. Be willing to be a student of great sex; read about it, study it, practice it.

7. Be mature enough to exercise the discipline to stay in the moment when being sexually intimate. Never allow the cares of the day to distract you. Focus on giving pleasure to each other.

8. Be daring. . . experiment. Do things differently, try new positions, new places, love toys and more, in agreement with both partners, of course. Variety is the spice of a healthy sexual relationship. Be creative! To always make love the same old way is, in a word, BORING!!

9. Pay attention to personal hygiene. The first rule of making love is to present a body that is tastefully clean!

10. Cultivate the generosity to consider your love partner’s pleasure before your own, or the esprit de corps to decide whether you or your partner goes first or whether you reach orgasm together.

11. Have the keenness of mind to recognize the value of making love vs. only having sex. A “quickie” now and then is okay, however to only and always depend upon quickies for your sexual gratification is a form of “taking your partner for granted” and can only lead to resentment. Make time for the time that is needed to “make love.”

12. Synthesize the gusto to be energetic when making love and aware of the sensitivity it takes to passionately lay motionless together after engaging in sex. Enjoy foreplay, engagement and afterglow.

13. Be courageous enough to not always take yourselves so seriously; to laugh, to play and be playful and to experience whatever is sexually exciting and enjoyable.

14. Learn to negotiate win/win agreements and promises about how you will mutually care for your partner’s needs in the sexual arena.

15. Ask for the variety of pleasure you want and deserve. However, to force or coerce your partner to do something they do not want to do breeds discontent and is highly disrespectful. In this scenario, always take “No!” for the answer. Never be afraid to ask for what you want and always demonstrate the respect to honor your lover’s right to say no without consequence.

Practice including the keywords that are in bold in your sexual vocabulary with your partner and watch what happens!

Consider spending some time reading some of the following articles to help you get back on track!

BONUS Article: Are You Available for Intimacy?
Why Sex is Good for Your Health
Intimacy Quiz
Celebrate Love at Your Very Own “Wonderama!”
It’s Time to Get Serious About Sex! ~ Video
Know What Turns You On

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Key to Lasting Love

Bob Hollander, JD, LCSW-C and Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, Guest Authors

Remember the Beatles song, “All You Need is Love”? For a relationship to last a lifetime, nothing could be further from the truth.

RELlastingLOVELove is defined as an intense feeling of strong affection and attraction; a deep romantic or sexual attachment. It is what initially brings us together. It’s the beginning; it’s the first thing we need in a relationship. But love by itself will not sustain a partnership “till death do us part.” The romantic notion the feeling of love will hold us together forever is a myth.

Why isn’t it enough? Why isn’t romantic love, followed by commitment or marital vows, able to keep us connected for a lifetime? The answer is “falling in love” or “being in love,” though a powerful emotion, is passive. Our culture naively teaches us to believe the feelings of love will never change. We don’t learn how to actively nurture and grow the emotion of love over our lifetimes.

“To describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. So with love.” ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Love is a feeling and feelings are strange things. You can’t see them or touch them; they exist in our minds and our hearts. They are dynamic and always in process. And they are highly subject to change over the years depending on life’s circumstances. We expect the promise we make in our vows, alone, will ensure those powerful feelings will last forever. In reality it takes so much more than that.

Our feelings of love are subject to how much attention we pay to them. If we intentionally feed feelings, they grow; if we starve feelings, they die. And if we do neither, and don’t truly attend to them, they capriciously respond to the happenings in our lives.

When life gets serious, if couples are not consciously aware of working through their feelings together, it’s likely that anger, frustration, sadness and fear will overshadow the feelings of love; and the connection may drift away.

So what is the key to lasting love and a forever relationship?

Consciously and actively love your partner, everyday. Feed the love, listen with empathy, communicate, problem solve, face and embrace difficult feelings, apologize and forgive.

To stay in love we need to:

Create love. Build love. Practice love. Nurture love. Grow in love. Every day.

I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.

“And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.” ~ Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

BONUS Articles: Let Love Change the Course of Your Life
What is Love?
“I Love You” – A to Z!
The ABC’s of Celebrating Love!

Copyright © 2015 by Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD. Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, is a licensed counselor and co-founder of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center. Together with her husband, Bob, they encourage couples to consciously co-create their relationships in order to achieve a deeper, more intimate connection. You can visit Relationships Work online at: http://www.RelationshipsWork.com. Follow them on Facebook.

ljspacer

CLoveLOGOLarry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s Relationship Pintrest Page at: http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Are You Available for Intimacy?

Intimacy is waaaay more than making Love or having sex! And… in my opinion, more important than making Love or having sex.

REL-IntimacyWhy? Because shared intimacy is the glue that can keep you together even when times are rough and will lead to a much stronger and healthier relationship. These expressions of Love are the single most important acts that keeps couples connected.

Intimacy are expressions of Love and can be expressed in many ways; from opening the door for your partner, sharing your ice cream cone to flirting with a wink.

“Another important point is that if you know you can actually sleep together but not “sleep together,” and still wake up happy, you will have a better shot at your relationship not being based solely on sex – but friendship.” ~ James Michael Sama

“Don’t allow emotional disconnection to last any longer than necessary. When you lose touch with your partner, reestablish it as soon as possible. If you’re staying emotionally disconnected to punish her or him, confess this without delay, regardless of how uncomfortable that may be.” ~ Robert Augustus Masters, PhD

You cannot be emotionally available and experience true intimacy if you are not willing to feel and experience the vulnerability that it brings. Many people are afraid of what they will feel if they truly put themselves out there and feel genuine intimacy and end up being vulnerable. I can promise you this: If you want a more intense and satisfying sexual relationship, allow yourself to be vulnerable and focus more on intimacy for awhile, not sex.

By the way, withholding sex as a way of getting more intimacy – expressions of Love – is never going to work.

“Being an unwilling sexual partner with your spouse. ~ When sexual intimacy is continually withheld from a spouse it can cause serious damage to a marriage. Sexual intimacy is not only a release valve for the pressures of the world; it is the single most important act that keeps couples connected both physically and emotionally. Making this an active part of your marriage can increase the joy and fulfillment of your relationship. There are times when you need to be understanding and patient. Sexual intimacy should never be forced, but rather a tender sharing by husband and wife. Be faithful in making this a joyful part of your marriage.” ~ Gary and Joy Lundberg

Recently, a friend sent me the following list of things that he and his partner are committed to doing:

1. Bring home one small, unexpected gift or present.
2. Share some form of physical intimacy.
3. Share an entire afternoon or evening together.
4. Share two insights you gained this week.
5. Write at least one little love note.
6. Mail something to your partner.
7. Plan something special for the upcoming weekend.

BONUS Article: 7 Ways To Enhance The Intimacy In Your Relationship
7 Ways You’re Being Unfaithful to Your Spouse and Don’t Even Know It
Making Love vs. Having Sex!
Intimacy Quiz
Intimacy… It Can Mean Many Things

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Friday, June 12, 2015

Single? ~ Focus on This One Thing!

betterYOU

When you can be alone and not be lonely… that’s when Love will find you!

NOTlonelyYour ability to focus on a single task – a better you – will dramatically improve once you make the decision to do it. Making the decision is the hardest part. Over time, your decision to work on you every single day will reap tremendous benefits in your life and drastically increase your success rate with the opposite sex.

Staying focused is the key – a total commitment to you. Getting distracted is easy. You’re out in a crowd and you meet someone, begin to think, “He could be the one,” and your commitment to yourself goes out the window. It’s never good to start another relationship until some time has passed. There is no shame in being single for a while. Single is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending upon someone else. Don’t allow yourself to get distracted.

Always remember: All failed relationships hurt for awhile, however losing someone who doesn’t appreciate and respect you is actually a “gain” – never a loss!

BONUS Articles: Learning to Love the One You’re With!
Alone Again?

NOTE: There are more than 30 FREE articles for “Singles Only” on this Blog. Click here!

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Monday, June 8, 2015

Happy Couples Accentuate the Positive

Filed under: Relationships — Larry James @ 7:30 am
Tags: , ,

A lot of the problems that couples have can be fixed when both people work on changing the things that they focus on in their partner. Rather than focusing on what your partner does that annoys you, remind yourself of the things that you enjoy about him or her and let them know. So many people look for negatives even when surrounded by positives.

It is highly important that you focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong. This virtually eliminates nitpicking, nagging or criticizing. If something’s bothering you, it’s time to take a break and talk about it in the most loving way you can.

REL-Happy-couplesBegin and end each day with your partner hearing those three little words from you, “I love you!” And give each other a long, warm hug when you arrive home in the evening, and find time each day to share something positive that has happened to you. It’s the little things that make partners feel happy to be together.

“If there is one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind, ‘Just Listen’ and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.” ~ Mark Goulston, M.D.

If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something as well. It all depends on what you want to look for. Learn to respond constructively to your partner’s positive declarations. Look for opportunities to express your interest, support and enthusiasm.

Always look for the good in your partner. Catch ’em doing something right, demonstrate your appreciation and you’ll both appreciate each other much more. Remember, you create a loving environment when you actively look for ways to make each other happy followed with an acknowledgement. Look for opportunities to thank your partner for the thoughtful and loving things they do to make you smile. This tactic can boost the love you have for one another and will help to strengthen the connection you have.

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s relationship seminars and books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

the-archives2Click for Archives! ~ commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s Tweets at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Chivalry is DEAD!?! (Or is it?)

Ever so often I will stop in at Canes next to the Paradise Valley Mall, bring some magazines, a small note pad and grab a quick bite of chicken fingers and wait for inspiration for my next article. Recently, I noticed another couple, probably in their upper 50’s sitting in the booth next to me. When they got up to leave, the man was already at the exit (about 25 feet in front of her) as she picked up her purse to join him. I watched as they walked to their car. He went to the driver’s side, unlocked the door and was sitting – ready to go – as she opened her own door and got in the car.

My first thought: “Chivalry is DEAD!”

Chivalry5.After that, my eyes focused on a younger couple in their low 20’s and wondered what they do that is chivalrous? As the young man went to empty their trash and as he passed where I was sitting, I said, “After you empty your trash, come back by, I would like to ask you and your friend a couple of questions.

They did and I asked them to sit for a while. I introduced myself and told them I was making notes for an article that would appear on my relationship blog sometime soon. They told me they had been together for about a year and he added, “We’re engaged!” I asked them if they had observed the older couple. They hadn’t noticed so I told them what I observed and asked them if chivalry was dead?

She, 20, spoke first and said, “I’m very independent and sometimes he rushes to beat me to the car door so he can open it for me. I love it when he does that.” He, 23, said that he liked that she was very organized and would make a good wife. He liked that she did a lot of the housework and then quickly added, “but I am quick to help out anytime.” She agreed. We talked for a while and I got a clear signal that they were both doing chivalrous things for each other.

Being polite and considerate is so rare these days that it’s often confused with flirting.

What is chivalry?

Chiv·al·ry: Chivalry was a code implemented to dictate the behaviors of feudal knights. The word chivalrous originally described gallantry, valor, honor, and courtesy, associated with the medieval code of knighthood. Medieval knights are no longer with us, but chivalrous has survived in modern usage to describe a man — or a behavior — showing courtesy or attentiveness toward women.

What ever happened to:

• a man giving her flowers,
• complementing her,
Chivalry4• opening the door for her,
• giving her flowers for no special reason,
• walks on the outside of a sidewalk (because she’s worth protecting),
• pulling out the chair,
• picking up the tab,
• making reservations, if needed,
• thinking and planning ahead for important occasions,
• public gestures of affection,
• leaving little notes around for her to find,
• offering her a jacket and helping her get into it,
• offering to carry heavy packages,
• giving up his seat for you,
• getting the car when it’s raining or snowing,
• sharing an umbrella,
• defending her honor when she is insulted
• being kind and respectful,
• calling when he said he would call,
• always thinks of you first,
• standing up for you,
• meaningful acts of selflessness (putting your partner’s needs before your own).
• taking off his hat when he enters a room,
• dropping her off first if you have to park far away,
• keeps his promises,
• when the waiter comes, letting her order first, and,
• walking you to your door at the end of the evening?

Chivalry6Calling instead of texting adds an extra personal touch but also sets you apart from other men who only want to communicate by texting or social media. Be a man who still opens the door for her even when you are angry with her. To me, most of the list above is just plain ole common sense.

“Many things that get tagged, chivalrous, are just common sense and/or descent manners. Being nice and helping others isn’t chivalrous, it doing what ought to be done.” ~ Sed Chapman

Some will say that women killed chivalry with the feminist movement. That may be part of it. Having said that, women do need to be more appreciative of men who take the time to be courteous to women. Men need appreciation. Some say being a gentleman is a rare breed and some independent women would prefer to open the door for themselves. These days, a strong, healthy woman doesn’t need such consideration and may resent it if it’s done in an ostentatious way that casts doubt on her physical ability. If opening the door herself is what she wants, respect her choice. I would say to her that being chivalrous isn’t about thinking a women can’t take care of herself. For us guys it’s about knowing she can, and then taking care of her anyway because we love her. I think it’s weird for her to tell me that “chivalry is dead” while not letting me hold the door open for her. ;-) But that’s just me.

HomeIsASchoolHowever, I believe that it is the teachers (your parents) that may be partiality to blame. Is today’s lack of chivalry (or respect for women, or lack of manners) a reflection of parent’s behavior when raising today’s kids? Modern day Dads must be a glowing example for kids, especially your sons, if you want to see the rebirth of chivalry. Your home is a school. What are you teaching your children?

It’s all about knowing how to treat a woman. Being a respectful gentleman is a choice. It is NEVER cool to disrespect women. Every woman loves a gentlemen and being a gentlemen never goes out of style. Gentlemanly behavior has become a status symbol to show off one’s finer qualities. Today… men need to know how to treat a woman and not be embarrassed to share it with the boys.

I find chivalry to be a wonderful thing. It makes me feel good while I’m being chivalrous and it needs to make a comeback! Chivalrous acts helps define a real man. Chivalry is not old fashion… it’s fashionable. Doing things that make your partner feel good is something timeless. It is reasonable to understand that common courtesy and respect never go out of style. It helps make your life together much more pleasurable and interesting.

My father, Rev. O.E. “Jack” Jarvis, was a great example. He coached his children – my sister and I – in self-giving love. He’s say, don’t let it stop with you, be an All-Pro Dad. Teach your children, especially your sons, to look out for their mother and to always put her first. Kindness, when children see it in you and practice it in their own lives, will be the healing your family may need. Dad was an old-fashion romantic. After he retired he moved with Mom to a “life-care” retirement center. He could be seen offering his hand to assist as Mom got out of the car. They were often seen walking hand-in-hand through the hallways and became known as “Those two lovebirds.” I had a great teacher. He cared for my dear mother – who had Alzheimer’s in her later years – up until the day he died.

Timothy Hoehner once said, “I think the most chivalrous thing a guy can do for a girl is give 100% emotional freedom. It takes confidence on the man’s part (which is ultimately attractive), and is the utmost sign of respect and care.”

ChivalryCartoon.Men, don’t be like the other guys. You’re going to have to show her your Love. Charm her with chivalry. Demonstrate your love in ways that shows that you respect her and that you really care.

Instead of walking behind or ahead of your partner, make an effort to walk side by side. Holding hands and walking next to your partner really does make the two of you better connected and stronger with each step.

Perhaps chivalry isn’t really dead, it just dozes off at the most inopportune times. Please join with me in waking it up!

BONUS Article: Has Gallantry Galloped Away?
Unleash Your Romantic Fervor!
8 Things You Think Your Girlfriend Likes (But She Probably Hates)

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Sunday, May 31, 2015

So… What About Bedtime?

Do you both go to bed at the same time?

REL-WhatAboutBedtimeHitting the sack at the same time as your partner could help you feel more in tune with each other. It’s not always easy to match up your sleeping schedules, but couples who do fall asleep together are constantly reminded of their close bond and reassured by their lover’s touch.

Researchers found that spouses who go to bed at different times report significantly less relationship satisfaction, greater conflict and lower intimacy than those on the same schedule. They have more conflict, spend less time in shared activities and serious conversation, and have sex less frequently than couples with similar sleeping schedules. Perhaps you both might try to sync up.

“Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.” ~ Dr. Mark Goulston, Psychiatrist, International Speaker, Author

The bedroom is an excellent place to make your marriage better. Going to bed together at the same time is not always about sex. It is, however, important to discuss physical intimacy and plan how you will avoid losing it, if you go to bed at different times.

Going to bed with your partner is not just about sleeping either; it is also about bonding with the most important person in your life. Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing each other is a great time to talk about your day, the children, etc. I can recall when I was about 12, my parents would go to bed together and I could hear my parents talking for 30 minutes to an hour. I would often fall asleep before they stopped talking. This was their time to cuddle and communicate.

So many of us are tempted to stay up to the wee hours, by ourselves, enjoying “our” time to ourselves. This pattern is the equivalent of a huge lost opportunity for sustaining and nurturing your partnership. If you can fight that urge, and tuck in early with your husband, it will be totally worth it. If she goes to bed at 10:00 p.m. every night by choice and he stays up between 1-3 to play games, use the computer, watch videos etc., this could mean that he has lost interest in intimacy.

Research from the University of Pittsburgh found that women who feel happiest in their relationships were likelier to turn in at the same time as their spouse, nearly down to the minute.

larry-sleeping-togetherExperts say snoozing simultaneously could be related to feeling more emotionally connected. Physical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and promotes bonding. Go to bed together once in awhile, even if it is just to catch up and be together.

Always be considerate of your partner’s early turn-in. If you return to the room after your partner is asleep, use a flashlight and be quiet!

Discordant sleep patterns can also be a blessing in disguise for new parents, Wendy Troxel​, a behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation, says. She’s worked with couples in which the father, a night owl, takes care of the baby during the night – giving him time with the child during his alert hours, and the mom time to rest during her sleepy ones.

Always say “Good night.” We’ve all heard the phrase “never go to bed angry,” and it holds true. Even if you and your partner are fighting, take a break to sincerely say “good night” before sleep and remind him or her that you still love being in a relationship with them.

BONUS Articles: You Asked: What’s the Best Bedtime?
Do You and Your Partner Go to Bed at the Same Time?

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s relationship seminars and books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Does Your Partner Suffer From Memory Slips?

“Oh! Sorry, honey. I’ll empty the trash when I get back from golf with the boys!”

He forgot. Again.

…And she’s wondering if maybe she just might forget about dinner tonight.

MemorySLIPSHmmm. That’s no way to give your relationship sparkle and shine.

Have you or your partner been having more memory slips than usual? I know. It’s annoying, but, essentially harm-less age-related memory impairment is common. In a recent article in Harvard Men’s Health Watch, Dr. David Hsu, geriatric psychiatrist with the Center for Alzheimer Research and Treatment at Harvard-affiliated Brigham and Women’s Hospital suggested several things that could cause brief lapses of memory.

Simple fatigue can dull your memory. Medications can affect memory – especially those that cause sedation. There is no question that lack of restful sleep can also make you more forgetful. It’s obvious that a physical workout that gets your heart pumping and oxygen-rich blood flowing to the brain leaves you alert and mentally sharper. Too much stress at work or at home can have a big impact on memory. Memory impairment is a common symptom of clinical depression, along with sadness, lack of drive, poor concentration, and less pleasure in things that you ordinarily enjoyed. Alcohol reduces memory performance.

If you or your partner are having more of these moments than you used to, consider this a wake-up call that you should take stock of your lifestyle. In a marriage, the common symptoms of the disorder – distraction, disorganization, forgetfulness – can easily be misinterpreted as laziness, selfishness, and a lack of love and concern. A.D.H.D. (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) or other attention disorders can cause a major disruption in your relationship. Everyone, at any age, forgets, however if you believe that memory lapses may signify that you have an underlying disease, then you might consider consulting a neuropsychologist.

Dr. Hsu notes that a perceived change in your memory performance may simply be due to the well-documented slowdown in thinking speed with aging.

I thought I would get all the excuses that could be used (medical issues above) so we can focus on what is really going on when your partner forgets to remember.

So, if you’ve seen your doctor and it’s not a medical problem… what is it?

Not remembering things that are important to your partner is rude and demonstrates a serious lack of interest.

Audioapathy is a word I coined to describe the condition often experienced when partners become apathetic about listening when their partner talks with them. It is a dreaded dis-ease that can poison your relationship. Although it appears that men are more affected than women, some women also get it. Ineffective communication can make us sad, resentful, upset, angry and more. You must first listen to the things your partner deems important before you can remember them later.

And then there are those who are so embroiled in their everyday life that they seem to have forgotten that for a “healthy” relationship to work, they must pay attention to it. Some have given up and just don’t care anymore.

MakingNotes2The next time your partner wants to talk, stop whatever you are doing – turn off the TV and your smart phone – and make time to listen. It shows interest in the one you love. Don’t interrupt. Avoid distractions. Maintain eye contact. Nod your head. Never challenge your partner’s assumptions. Listening demonstrates respect. Listen with the intention of really hearing what they are saying. Be patient and understanding. This kind of active listening ensures that you are truly listening to the words that are being spoken.

Listen for ways you can remember the things that are important to them. Pay attention. Be mindful, not mindless. Never fall back on the excuse that you are having a “senior moment.” Listen. If you are together shopping and she says things like, “That is so pretty. That would go great on the mantle,” and she doesn’t buy it, go back later and buy it for her and surprise her with it later. Make notes if you must, but never let the things that are important to your partner and your relationship be forgotten, e.g., birthdays, anniversaries and any other important dates. Plan ahead. No more memory-slips.

If you are the spouse of a memory-slipper, be patient. It could be a medical issue, and he/she may need your understanding and you assistance in helping them to remember. “I shouldn’t have to remind him of my birthday!” You’re right and anything more that a quiet conversation letting him know how this causes you to feel is called, nagging!

If an entire day has passed without your husband wishing you “Happy Birthday,” decide to bring it up. It may be tempting to hold on to your pride and keep the hurt within. But instead of lessening the misery, this will only lead to a festering of resentment till the relationship explodes in both of your faces. So choose a quiet time with your husband and ask why he forgot your birthday. And then depending on his response, take it from there.

BONUS Article: Attention Disorders Can Take a Toll on Marriage

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Everyone Needs Breathing Space…

If you have been with your partner for a while… or longer, I would bet money that at one time or another, you may have thought: “I love you dearly and I need to be alone for awhile!” or “If I don’t get a little peace and silence, I’m going to SCREAM!”

If you’d lie about that you would lie about anything. ;-) The fact that we all need space is a reality that comes from within. It’s natural to want to have alone time.

BreathingSPACE1We all need space to grow. Give each other that room to grow. No one can grow in the shade. Everyone needs different amounts of emotional space – some need an hour daily while others are happy with an hour weekly. Smart partners in a healthy relationship know to create space between them to do their own things. It’s easier when there is a commitment to be totally trustworthy.

Often when one person in a relationship tells the other person that they need to be alone, the other person often feels offended. If you’ve been taking care of you, this may not even come up. If not, you may question, “Why does he/she not want to be with me right now?” The formula is this: “Trust = Breathing Space.” Take care to reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner’s concerns.

“To train the mind to create physical spaces, start by leaving an open shelf or section of a room empty on purpose. That spot will serve as a reminder as to why we need to create physical space.” ~ DoRiS Chow

If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours.

Shocker: You do not need each other to be whole. No one can “complete” you. You are not your relationship. You are YOU! Allowing yourself breathing space. The desire to spent alone rather than with your partner has nothing to do with the other half of the couple-ship. Not allowing another person to have their space is often spurred by insecurity. It is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached to someone we love. Do you always do everything together? Other people should always be a part of our lives. Being permanently glued together doesn’t work.

Partners need time alone. They need space. That is time to be alone, time to just be. Give it willingly.

One of the most counterintuitive parts of relationship maintenance is that having space is actually critical to the success of lasting relationships. In fact, according to an ongoing federal study, having space and privacy is as important as a good sex life – if not more so.

“We must allow the person whom we love so dearly to have the time they need with the understanding that their need to be alone is not a personal attack against us. When we allow this alone time from a state of love, then we do not feel threatened by it and the other person does not feel guilty for needing to have alone time. This allows the alone time to be a positive experience for each person in the relationship which in the end will serve to strengthen the relationships rather than diminish it.” ~ Steph720’s Blog

Take time to be alone with your thoughts. Sometimes we simply need to be alone to sort things out, whatever those things are. This is another way to attend to your own healthy needs.

“Having time apart is extremely healthy and keeps a freshness in their relationship. It encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple, and it fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess.” ~ Sandy Smith

If you don’t make time to allow you to take care of you… who will? Couples can work out their space issues, if they understand each other’s different needs and why. If needing breathing space is an issue in your relationship, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. Tell your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships.

If that doesn’t work, create some space to talk to a relationship coach for some ideas.

BONUS Article: Everyone Seeks Freedom: The 6 Elements Of Space You Need To Be Comfortable In Life
Make Sure You Have Your Fortress of Solitude

CLoveLOGOCopyright © 2015 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

commentSubscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

letsbefriends2

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Visit Larry’s Relationship Pin Board on Pintrest @ http://www.pinterest.com/larryjames2012/relationships-blog/

Next Page »

The Rubric Theme. Blog at WordPress.com.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 6,651 other followers

%d bloggers like this: