1. Resolve conflicts without putting kids in the middle. This requires being objective about your children’s needs (and not confusing them with your own) and compromising when the situation warrants. Stick with a conflict until it’s resolved; don’t let a problem fester and then punish the other parent passive-aggressively or be difficult in unrelated situations.

2. Treat the other parent with respect. This goes a long way toward easing your relations with your former partner. It also provides a good model for your children; more than we are willing to admit, our children imitate our behavior. Disrespect toward the other parent will be played out by the child. It’s important for a child’s healthy development to have respect for authority figures, including both parents.

3. Observe appropriate boundaries. When it comes to your kids, it’s sometimes difficult to tell yourself what they’re doing with the other parent “is none of my business.” But if an activity won’t harm them physically or psychologically, it probably is none of your business. Recognize it’s okay, maybe even good, for children to learn different ways of doing things. It’s almost certain that the other parent won’t do everything your way.

4. Communicate regularly with the other parent. There’s lots to share. When children are small, the other parent needs to know the basics when parenting responsibilities are being transferred. Has the child eaten? Gone to the bathroom recently? Does he or she need more sleep or a bath? When children are older, both parents need to know about school activities, sports events and trips out of town. It’s good to get into a regular habit of checking in with each other on the days when parenting is shared. A worst-possible scenario is that lack of communication could lead to a child not being picked up after school or day care, or important medical treatment being disrupted.

5. Demonstrate positive conflict resolution. Don’t try to hide conflicts when they arise. Children generally know more about what’s going on than we give them credit for. Use conflict as an opportunity to show kids how to resolve issues in a responsible manner. Paul puts it this way: “Don’t step into the ring without taking time to cool off.”

6. Share with your co-parent what you need from him or her to do a good job of parenting. In our case, a regular schedule is important to Paul. He likes to know he has time he can count on with his son, Frequent schedule changes are disruptions he finds particularly irritating, especially when it involves “telephone tag.” I like to know I can depend on Paul to pick up Nick when he says he will. Everyone has different requirements for support. Be sure to be clear with the other parent about yours, and take time to inquire about his or hers. In our experience, guessing hasn’t been very productive.

7. Don’t allow all of the parenting tasks to fall to one parent. Typically, things that are out of balance don’t work well. Work at sharing parenting chores as equally as possible. Don’t hoard tasks and act like a martyr, and don’t expect the other parent to be in charge of all of the communicating, all of the extra purchases for your child or all of the discipline.

8. Be consistent – to the extent possible – in disciplining, feeding and caring for your child. This makes transitions from one household to another easier, thus minimizing the outbursts from children after visits with the other parent. Respect each others parenting approaches, and recognize that while consistency is optimal, differences are okay. Children are able to distinguish that something that’s okay at Dad’s house may not be okay at Morn’s, not because one parent is bad or wrong, but because the two parents are different.

9. Help your children recognize the other parent with appropriate gifts or cards. These express your children’s sentiments and make them feel good about themselves when they’re praised for their thoughtfulness. Take the time to help your children make or pick out holiday and birthday gifts for the other parent. Recognizing Mother’s and Father’s Day are particularly important because other relatives aren’t involved in celebrating these days.

10. Don’t punish your in-laws by keeping your kids from them after a divorce. Your in-laws are probably as disappointed as you and your former partner about the dissolution of your relationship. Grandparents can be a child’s greatest cheerleaders; don’t hurt your children and yourself by cutting off visits with them. In many cases, grandparents also provide back-up child care; this-isn’t something any single parent should give up willingly.

There are many other elements that contribute to successful co-parenting. We recognize that some suggestions won’t work for people who’ve been in abusive relationships or who need time to heal from the hurt of divorce before enthusiastically collaborating with the other parent.

These “commandments” work for us. We hope you can find at least 10 of your own guiding principles to make life easier for you, your former spouse and your children.

BONUS: Blended Family Wedding Ceremony – When the bride and/or groom have children, it is appropriate for the children to be included into the wedding ceremony. Children will accept a parent’s remarriage more readily when they feel included in the wedding ceremony. Pouring different colored sands together is another way to symbolize the joining of the bride and groom and their family together. The children love this version. See the Blending of the Sands Ceremony.

Copyright © 2012 – Lynn Ingrid Nelson. Lynn Nelson is Public Education Director, Institute on Race and Poverty, University of Minnesota. Originally published in Minnesota Parent, May 1995, University of Minnesota Children Youth and Family Consortium. Lynn Ingrid Nelson and Paul Blanco are the committed co-parents of 7-year-old son, Nicholas. Visit Lynn on LinkedIN. Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this document for noncommercial purposes provided that the author and CYFC receive acknowledgment and this notice is included.

“As long as you make a habit of making your relationship a priority and allocating time each week for rejuvenation of the feelings that attracted you in the first place, then you stand a good chance of staying together for the long haul.” ~ Kim Olver

Here is a brief list of the things we do for one another out of a pure desire to make our partner happy. Expand on this list by adding some of your own things in the comment section.

1. Flowers for no specific reason
2. An unexpected hug when you need it most
3. A surprise phone call to just say, “I love you!”
4. A foot message
5. A drawn bath at just the right temperature
6. Doing “spoons!”
7. Your lover’s hand running through your hair
8. Doing a chore that you partner dislikes
9. Offering to babysit so your friends can have some time alone
10. Buy a complete stranger’s lunch without them know who did it
11. Send a handmade card to someone you care for
12. Write a comment on this Blog
13. Write a “love letter” to someone you love
14. Coffee or breakfast in bed
15. Slip an “I love you” note into his/her briefcase
16. Turn off the TV and just cuddle
17. Whisper sweet nothings into your partner’s ear when least expected
18. Wash your partner’s car and fill it with gas – let them discover it
19. Pay full attention whenever your partner talks to you
20. Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to acknowledge the impact your partner makes in your life
21. When your partner sees something they love, sneak back and buy it and give it to them on a special occasion
22. Make a list of 25 ways to demonstrate your love to your partner
23. Buy your partner a relationship book and read it together
24. Stop your car along side of the road, pick several wild flowers and present them to your partner
25. Leave an “I love you” note in your mailbox
26. Write “I love you” with children’s chalk on the driveway
27. Turn off the TV and play a board game
28. Put together a wine and cheese picnic indoors
29. Go to a couples spa for a great mini couples retreat
30. Share some laughter at a comedy club
31. Make a “bucket list” of romantic things to do together
32. Soak in the tub together
33. Have a surprise date night
34. Sneak up behind your partner and wrap your arms around them
35. Get a pack of cards and play strip poker
36. When you pick up your partner have a single rose waiting on the passenger seat for them
37. Go for a late evening walk round a local park together
38. Arrange for a camp-out in your own backyard
39. Rent her favorite romantic movie
40. Build a campfire in your backyard and roast some marshmallows

Surprising your partner with unexpected things strengthens your bond and adds some excitement by putting some fun back into your relationship.

Have fun making some new memories! Sweet dreams!

BONUS Article: Remember FUN?
Hide Love Notes for Your Partner to Discover!
Need Some Romantic Ideas?

Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

1. Step Away From the Cell Phone – In our constantly-connected society, it’s easy to flood a new partner with Facebook wall posts, texts and emails from a cell phone. While keeping a line of communication open is vital, it’s equally important to allow a new relationship some breathing room.

2. Spend Time With Friends – Don’t be a cliché by ignoring your friends in favor of a new honey. If you have a long-standing tradition of poker with the boys or girl’s night margaritas, keep it. Your friends will be more likely to accept a mate that doesn’t take up all of your time, and these outings will give the two of you something to talk about the next time you get together.

3. Focus On Your Hobbies and Favorite Pastimes – Losing yourself completely in a new relationship can easily be the kiss of death; your interests and pastimes are likely a big part of what attracted your new mate. Letting them fall to the wayside to spend every moment together leaves very little material for conversation and can cause your lover to feel stifled.

4. Avoid “The Talk” – It’s natural to wonder where a new relationship is headed, but it’s a good idea to hold off on having “The Talk” for a while. Letting things develop naturally can be a bit nerve-wracking, but it’s necessary.

5. Keep It Light – In the early days of a relationship, it’s best to avoid the heavy plans for your future and talk of marriage and children. Don’t introduce your long-term plans when a coupling is new, or it may not last very long.

6. Be Careful With the Booze – There’s a reason why alcohol is also called “Truth Serum.” One phone call after a night of drinking can undo all of your cautious work when you’ve just started dating someone.

7. Don’t Change Your Plans – Before you met your new love interest, you probably had some long-term goals and plans for your future. Avoid the temptation to change those plans to suit a brand-new relationship; despite how you feel in the honeymoon phase, there is always a chance that things won’t work out.

8. Keep Your Priorities Straight – Though it’s difficult in the first blush, try to keep your priorities in line. Don’t let your new relationship take a toll on your work or other obligations, as it can very easily cause resentment when things inevitably begin to cool down and you’re forced to play catch-up.

9. Don’t Play Mind Games – When things aren’t moving as quickly as you’d like, don’t resort to passive-aggressive mind games. Slyly referencing others that are interested in you or the ex that still has feelings will almost always blow up in your face.

10. Hold Off On Introducing the Family – Even if you have the most welcoming and interesting family on the planet, your new love interest shouldn’t be meeting them for a while. Family members will ask questions that you may not be ready to answer, which will put undue pressure on you both.

No matter how desperately you want to find “The One,” it’s always best to go with the flow and let things develop naturally. If your new lover feels stifled, they are more likely to lose interest altogether.

BONUS Articles: The 3 BIGGEST Mistakes Newly Singles Make
The Dating Daze!

Copyright © 2012 – www.BestDatingSites.org. Reprinted with permission.

My money’s on “bet it’s been a loooong time!”

It’s time you do so. Don’t buy it. Write it yourself. And take your time. Make it juicy, sweet, seductive, passionate, torrid or whatever, but today… it’s time to sit down and express what’s in your heart to your partner. Say anything you want. Confess your undying love. Partners really want to know what’s in their heart. It’s often much easier to write it than to speak it in person. Writing a love letter is a very personal way to express your sentiments to someone you love.

Believe me a surprise love letter from you will energize your relationship. It’s an emotional charge! A love letter is something tangible that we can touch and hold and read over and over again.

“You don’t have to be Shakespeare to write the perfect love letter. All you need to know is how you feel. What makes a love letter so romantic is that it is deeply personal. It shows your beloved how well you know them, and that knowledge is the very stuff of love.” ~ Claire Colvin

Pretty paper with a few heart stickers, a “Love” stamp, and sealed-with-a-kiss, etc., might be a plus. Be creative. Use a few lines from your favorite love song. It doesn’t have to be 2 or 3 pages. Length sometimes complicates things. Sometimes short and sweet is best. Just make sure it comes from your heart. Be clear. Clarity works better.

It’s not always easy to express our feelings to our significant others. Some of us would rather show our love through actions. That’s great, however a major tool in the romance department is the love letter. Stimulate a romantic mood for writing. Go to a private room, put on some romantic music, dim the lights and begin writing. Take your time. Don’t stop. Just write. You can always come back and edit before you send it.

“Most of all, remember that it’s private, and therefore it can bear some risk. In this way most, a love letter is like love itself. There must be risk. Say something, name something, tell something that surprises you about yourself. Let her know that she is redefining your terms.” ~ Tom Chiarella

If you have had trouble vocally expressing your feelings, writing love letters has traditionally been an ideal alternative. You can get a lot of ideas if you Google “Love Letters.” Go to a Hallmark Card Store and look over the romantic cards, buy a card that expresses what you would really like to say and mix up the words on the card with a few of your own.

Okay… it’s your turn. Time to visit the stationery store. Get busy!

BONUS Article: Have You Written a Love Letter Lately?
How to Write the Perfect Love Letter

Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Does that surprise you?

When asked about what was important for a successful marriage, both men and women – I repeat… both “men and women” mentioned “sharing household chores” more often than children, adequate income, and shared interest, according to a study by the Pew Research Center. Conflict over domestic duties around the house in some studies is second only to conflict over money in a marriage.

A messy house stares you in the face every day. How does a disorderly house cause you to feel? It affects your mood, energy, and believe it or not – your sexual health? All houses naturally fall into a state of disarray over time. You simply cannot keep a house clean and orderly every moment of every day, especially if you have children or pets.

In my relationship seminars taking the garbage out, leaving the toilet seat up and rolling the toilet paper the wrong way (among other things) seem to almost always creep into the conversation. I’m finding that greater numbers of men are getting involved as parents — and wanting to. They are helping more with chores and child care. However research also shows that women are still doing most of the work, putting in most of the time. That’s not healthy for the relationship.

I was quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine several years ago as saying, “Foreplay begins with putting the toilet seat down without being asked!” It seems that household issues are nearly always at the top of the list of concerns.

Where is it written that the women should always do the housework? Nowhere, that’s where!

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes, taking out the trash or running the vacuum sweeper! Women notice dust and fingerprints. Men notice crabgrass and yellow spots on the lawn. It’s just one of those weird genetic differences between the sexes.

“Women, don’t ask your spouse for help around the house. Asking for help gives the impression that the household chores are only your job and responsibility. Instead, ask your spouse to do his/her share. Chores around the house should be shared responsibilities.” ~ Sheri & Bob Stritof

In today’s world it’s common for both parents to work full-time and for children to be involved in lots of extracurricular activities. Since we’re all so busy, it’s important to divide the necessary chores where everyone in the family can pitch in and help.

Working together – sharing the burden – makes for a much better relationship. Men, if you truly desire to make their wives happy pitch in. Laying on the couch with a beer while she cooks dinner doesn’t work! To me, it’s a matter of mutual respect. Compromise. Cuss and discuss but you’ll be on the right track if you divide household chores in a way that has both partners feeling that no one is doing more or less than the other. Strive for a result that becomes a mutually satisfying priority.

BONUS Articles: For Men Only – More Housework… More Intimacy!
Hey, Guys and Gals… What About Housework? Are You Sharing?

Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Camilla said: “I’m frightened to tell him it’s over because… ”

Is that something you’ve ever said? Have you ever settled for doing nothing for fear of making the situation worse?

Camilla was frightened to tell her abusive partner it was over because…

What do you think are the most common reasons women give for their relationship paralysis?

In no particular order, here they are:

• “I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me.”
• “I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else and what will that say about me?”
• “I can’t manage without him.”
• “Nobody else will ever want me.”
• “I still love him.”
• “It’s probably all my fault.”

Let’s take look at each of those reasons.

“I’m terrified of what he’ll say to me”. How does that one work? Are you saying that if you stay he’s going to:

a) speak nicely to you?

b) make you happy?

How happy are you now, when you’re too miserable to stay, but too frightened to leave?

How much longer can you afford to be as unhappy as you are?

What is it doing to your physical, mental and emotional health? Not to mention your quality of life?

“I’m worried he’ll have a good relationship with someone else?” Really?!! You’ve savored the many delights of being in a relationship with him, so you know how good he is at good relationships. (NOT!? Besides, whose life are we talking about here, anyway? Whose quality of life is at stake here? His? Or yours??

The sooner you stop focusing on his life, and start focusing on your own, the sooner your life will start to improve.

“I can’t manage without him.” Are you sure about that? If you feel so unhappy with him around that you are barely coping, is it really true that you will manage even worse without him?

That’s not what other women report. What I hear from the women I work is this: once they leave they start to feel much, much happier. They realize what a drain their abusive partner was on their lives.

Besides, can you really know what your future will hold?

Let me give you a hint: you know what your past held, and you know what your present holds. In fact, you know exactly what Life holds for you while your abusive partner is on the scene .

But how can you possibly know what your life will be like with him out of it?

“The only difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse is you can’t see the wounds on your heart.” ~ Larry James

Since most of the pain in your life relates to him, logic is telling you that he and the pain go hand in hand. (Isn’t it nice for him, that he goes hand in hand with something? I’m guessing he hasn’t gone hand in hand with you, for a while.) If it’s true that he and your pain go hand in hand, when you lose one, you lose both.

“Nobody else will ever want me.” Now, how can you possibly say that?

All you know for a fact is that he doesn’t want you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he certainly doesn’t want you enough to care about your happiness. Which means that he really doesn’t want you in any healthy way.

“I still love him.” You may love the dream, and you may love Mr Nice Guy who made a guest appearance, in a cameo role, at the start of your relationship. But I’ve yet to hear from a single woman who says: “I love him for the jerk he is. I love him for the way he constantly tramples on my feelings, rejects me, leaves me feeling worthless, and fills me with dread about what the future holds.”

If you truly loved the guy that he truly is, then you would love him just the way he is.

You don’t.

That’s understandable.

You love him the way you want him to be – and he has no intention of being.

You’re clinging to that dream the way a shipwrecked sailor clings to a piece of driftwood.

But you don’t have to be bobbing up and down, in splendid isolation, at the mercy of the sea.

You can let go of that piece of wood, and swim into shore. Trust me, it’s much closer than you think – and you don’t have to do it alone. I’ve done it, and I can help you do it.

“It’s probably all my fault.” Isn’t it great that you’ve spent all this time with someone who makes all the rules? He decides he is without fault, and then he casts the first stone, and the next, and the next.

He keeps throwing stones, and telling you it’s all your fault.

You wouldn’t buy it if a 5 year old came and told you, “It’s all Johnny’s fault that I’ve spent the day throwing stones at him”.

So why are you prepared to buy it from a partner?

We both know you’ve been trained to accept blame, but you don’t have to go on doing that.

Do you want to know how to let go of the blame, shame, fear, and rejection?

Do you want to know how to deal with negative thoughts as they come up, and tap into feeling happy, safe, and good enough?

Do you want to know how to shake off paralysis, feel happy and create a life to love?

BONUS Article: Domestic Violence Sucks!

Copyright © 2012 – Annie Kaszina. Annie Kaszina is the founder of “Recover From Emotional Abuse” and an international speaker, author, and relationship expert who helps women live fully, love safely, and laugh wholeheartedly. Annie has helped many hundreds of women walk away from domestic violence, and rebuild their self-worth, their happiness, and their faith in their ability to love wisely and well, next time round. You can find more great articles from Annie on her BLOG. Check out Annie’s Website.

Does that sound a little quirky to you? Think about it – what’s more exciting than touching and being touched, on and off your love field?

As a couples relationship therapist, one thing is evident every single day in my office. Almost all the people coming through my door are looking for physical touch. They want it, crave it, need it, but many times just don’t have it.

Touching has become elusive in too many relationships, and couples don’t like it!

When couples seem to be repelling each other in imaginary magnetic fields, I often ask if there was ever a time in their relationship when touch was important. The answer is usually a resounding, “Yes, there was plenty of touching in the beginning!”

So, what happened?

We all need physical contact, even if only for a few minutes. A hug does wonders for the soul. Dr. Paul Brand, a pioneer in the field of healing through touch, writes: “‘Skin cells offer a direct path into the deep reservoir of emotion we metaphorically call the human heart.” Whew, that’s something to think about!

Babies in preemie intensive care units respond affirmatively to a parent’s finger grazing over their tiny bodies. Just a gentle stroke offers that physical connection of human to human, so needed for survival. Research studies show babies need touch to thrive, as do we all.

Why not try an instant replay to the time early in your relationship when casual physical touch quickly led to intensely romantic moments? It can happen again!

Simply holding hands can create a memorable moment. I often ask couples to sit on a couch and face each other, holding hands as they talk. The effects of this basic exercise are usually profound. Facial expressions and the tone of voice are dramatically changed, allowing words to appear more palatable, even if they are unpleasant. Compromise and resolution become easier to obtain.

Want to rekindle your fire? Here are a few suggestions:

• Talk to each other about what type touching feels the best. Personal knowledge is always a good thing, and can bring positive results. You might be surprised at what you’ll learn.

• Give hugs. Be generous with your embraces and hug often. Research claims four to eight hugs given over a day will increase bonding and connection between couples.

• Don’t be shy. Once you know how your partner loves to be touched, act on it!

Remember this quote from a wise person out there somewhere: “The smile on your face lets me know that you need me, there’s a truth in your heart that says you’ll never leave me, and the touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall.”

Wouldn’t we all love to feel this way?

BONUS Articles: I’m Upset… AND I Need a HUG!
Angry. . . How About a Hug?

To Order click book cover!

Copyright © 2012 – Barbara Peters. Barbara Peters is a gifted communicator with a laser beam ability to cut through the tangle of personal drama to get results and relationships that last a lifetime. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, her counseling style is interactive, respectful, non-judgmental, and supportive. In her first book, “The Gift of A Lifetime: Building a Marriage that Lasts,” Barbara lends insight from her years of experience as a couples’ counselor to give people those essential tools and guide them on successfully using them. Visit Barbara’s Blog. She is also a contributor to The Life Change Network.

In all relationships, new and established, it’s wise to build upon a solid foundation of friendship. A real friend never gets in your way and will remind you when you’re getting in your own way.

If you want more happiness in your life – create happiness for others and feel it spill over into your heart.

Love is friendship set on fire. ~ Jeremy Taylor

Tolerating one another is not the same as enjoying one another and being together.

Peace and love on the outside comes from knowing God on the inside. Let your spiritual awareness redirect your priorities and attention. Your faith and perseverance defines you – don’t allow anything to set you back when God is bringing you forward.

BONUS Article: Why “Friends First” Doesn’t Work

Copyright © 2011 – Steven Eric Connor. All rights reserved. Reprinted with Permission. – Steven Eric Connor is a seasoned Transformational Life Coach, Communication & Relationship Coach, Professional Sales Trainer and Profitability Consultant. Steven Connor knows firsthand the challenges of stepping outside one’s comfort zone to create and live a vibrant, more meaningful and fulfilling life. Visit Steven’s Website at: http://www.transformationalsuccess.com/ and follow him on Facebook.

Keep your body in motion. Do it alone or with someone. Pretend you are a child again. Play some kid games. Let go. Hug a tree. Lose yourself in play. Play hide and seek with a friend. Have water fight with water pistols, then switch to buckets!

See how fast you can walk around the shopping mall – time yourself (take someone with you). Wrap yourself in a blanket and roll down a hill. Go roller skating.

Borrow a dog if you don’t have one and take it for a walk and play fetch. Exercise in the park. Go bowling and don’t worry about getting a low score. Go for a swim. LOL (laugh out loud) for no reason at all. See how far or how high you can jump. Climb the monkey bars on a playground. Play catch with a basketball. Borrow a church hymnal, choose a song and sing it to your partner. Run around the block in “slow motion.” (I wanna watch that one).

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Having fun at play should be an important activity in the lives of everyone! Play is important because it helps us grow strong and healthy and gives us something more to think about than work, work, work. Use your imagination to make up some of your own stuff to do. Be active.

And did I mention that you it’s best to do these fun things with someone you love? Never grow up enough to stop playing and having fun.

After all that… I’m exhausted! Run! Play! Laugh! Dance! Jump! Love! Especially Love!

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn’t do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Alexander Pope once said, “To err is human; to forgive, Divine.” Believe it!

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: “Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?” If the answer is “No,” then that’s it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

LoveNote. . . If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. – Mother Theresa

Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.

Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Some will argue that in the case of child abuse, the Holocaust, Saddam Hussain, 9-11, etc, the abuser has no “right” to forgiveness — such blessings can only be earned — that forgiveness only leads to further victimization. Such acts are heinous and despicable and with time (and in many cases, therapy and coaching) they can be forgiven. Every day you may have to forgive again.

The greatest misconception about forgiveness is the belief that forgiving the offense, such as an affair, means that you condone it. Not true. In fact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you.

Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did you wrong apologizes, wants you back, or changes his or her ways. If another person’s poor behavior were the primary determinant for your healing then the unkind and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another.

I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice.

When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only and always your choice. The choice to forgive is only and always yours.

When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, do not forgive for “their” sake. Do it for yourself! It would be great if they would come to you and ask forgiveness but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That is their choice. They do not NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did and that is it – except for the consequences, which THEY must live with.

The hurts won’t heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don’t rush it. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt!

“Forgiveness will not be possible until compassion is born in your heart.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Master

Compassion is one of the key ingredients of forgiveness. Learn to look for and appreciate the love, beauty and kindness around you. It’s there, and you may have to change your thinking and behavior to discover it. To have compassion for others, you must first have compassion for yourself.

HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have “done you wrong” is the only way to improve your chances of a “healthy” relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter!

It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt and upsets of the past.

Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you and to move on with your life. It’s the only way. It means cutting them some slack.

“What?” you say! “Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!” Let go! Move on!

Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.

LoveNote. . . The things that two people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay together, it is not because they forget, it is because they forgive. – From the movie, Indecent Proposal

Forgive and forget is a myth.

“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~ Alexandra Asseily, author of “The Garden of Forgiveness in Beirut”

Forgiveness is a journey. You may never forget AND you can choose to forgive. You can forgive and tomorrow you may feel the pain all over again. As life goes on and you choose to remember and feel the pain, then is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will eventually fade.

Always remember that you are human. Sometimes people do and say hurtful things. It is important to focus on what you have done to learn from the experience. Forgive what hurt you in the past but never forget the lesson it taught you.

“In this life. . . we are unable to forget whatever remains unforgiven. So, if we won’t let go of some pain – whose time has now past – then who is to blame for the weight of this burden still being carried on our back?” ~ Guy Finley

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

Begin again! It is truly impossible to start new and to make clear, healthy, life giving choices until we have let go of past hurts, confusion and resentments. Old wounds have a drawing power and pull our attention to them over and over, taking energy and hope from us, preventing us from starting again. Old wounds raise fearful spectres of the same thing happening again in the future. For this reason it is so important to spend time understanding the true nature of forgiveness, and what it really entails.

To forgive means to “give up”, to let go. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself. The inability or unwillingness to do this, causes harm in the one who is holding onto the anger.

“The only upside of anger is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they are not afraid of the journey. Someone that knows that the truth, is at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and sits and in it’s wake leaves a new chance of acceptance and the promise of calm.” ~ From the movie, “The Upside of Anger” starring Kevin Coster and Joan Allen

If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. You CAN let go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.

Want peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness is the most important single process that brings peace to our soul and harmony to our life. All of us, at some point in our lives, have been hurt and wounded by the actions or words of another. Sometimes the grievances have been so great we thought, “no way, this I cannot forgive!” Resentment and hostility can run so deep that forgiveness becomes very difficult. We feel we have a right to our indignation!

However, living from resentment takes so much effort. It creates a tremendous void in and around us. All the toxic feelings of hatred and resentment stay bottled up inside and eventually seep into all the areas of our life with the result that we become bitter, angry, unhappy and frustrated. And so, living from forgiveness becomes a necessity. Not that this is easy; it isn’t. But we cannot keep ourselves in the flow of good if we hold another in unforgiveness.

“Forgiveness is essential to all relationships. But it is not unconditional. It comes with the tacit understanding that if the hurtful behavior happens too many times, forgiveness is revoked and the relationship will end. Always avoid doing those things for which an apology and forgiveness are required.” ~ Shela Dean, Author of “Frequent Foreplay Miles“

Forgiveness is not something we have to do, but something we must allow to flow through us. When we step away from the consciousness of our human nature, and allow the divine or God’s grace to express through us, to forgive through us, we can at that point, feel the radiant and warm rays of the flow of divine love dissolving all hurt, all bitterness, all sense of injustice. We become aware that we are free and we can project that love outward into our world.

Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the root word give. Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism and also releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments. It is not surrender, but a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment. In affect, it takes the poison our of your body. It cleanses your system of the poison that will surely fester and cause illness and continued misery if not released. You cannot take the poison and expect someone else to die. They will go on with their life and you will be the only one to continue to suffer.

LoveNote. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. – Rev. Karyl Huntley

Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral courage. It ends the illusion of separation, and its power can change misery into happiness in an instant. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and favor the positive.

Forgiveness is a form of love within the context of a personal crisis. To forgive is, in a sense, to love one’s enemy. When forgiveness is given because you think you should, it no longer is forgiveness but an act of self- interest.

“There are those who will tell you why it is wise to never forget the pain of the past. . . but if you look closely at the anger, sorrow, and bitterness that has hardened their faces, then you will also see why learning to forgive is the better of the two paths.” ~ Guy Finley

The act of forgiveness constitutes a mental bath, letting go of something that can only poison us within.

Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as “giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled.”

Mona Gustafson Affinito says, “Forgiveness means deciding not to punish a perceived injustice, taking action on that decision, and experiencing the emotional relief that follows.”

It is important to recognize that your distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you five minutes ago or five years ago. Research has shown that people who are deeply and unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally and, in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender.

Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often passed on to those around you. Forgiveness helps you make peace with your past.

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. The only people you should ever want to get even with are those who have helped you.

Forgiveness. What it’s for? It creates the freedom to create a new future beginning now!

“After forgiveness, comes love. In your heart and spirit you are a beautiful person – is there anything so unforgivable that should keep you connected in an emotional bondage to person or condition? Standing here on the edge of enlightenment, you can choose to play small and remain where you are or you can dive into the heart of love and experience a life more beautiful than you’ve ever known.”~ Steven Connor

UpDated: Researchers and academics may have an answer for those who do not believe that the act of forgiveness is good for the soul. Scientists have gotten interested in the health benefits of forgiveness. Their studies have shown the serious mental, emotional and physical consequences of an unforgiving heart.

In some studies, forgiveness has been linked to a lessening of chronic back pain and depression; in others to reduce levels of stress hormones. Scientist have also found that forgiveness is one of several coping mechanisms that help people with HIV/AIDS live longer, or at least more satisfying lives.

“It takes much more courage, strength of character, and inner conviction to forgive than it does to hang on to low-energy feelings.” ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Prayer for Forgiveness. . .

#1 - Living, loving Spirit, let me practice forgiveness today by starting with the little hurts. I will let go of all the everyday occurrences that do not go the way I want, and the moment I begin to feel the familiar feeling of anger or resentment, I will practice forgiveness by invoking your loving and peaceful Presence and allowing divine grace to surround me. And so it is.

#2 - Living, loving Presence, I enter this moment of silence and consciously make the decision to unburden and detach myself from the painful memories of the past. I release to you everything that holds me back from my spiritual journey. I feel your power working in and through me in forgiving and letting go all that needs to be forgiven and released. And so it is.

LoveNote. . . One pardons to the degree that one loves. – Francios De La Rochefoucauld

LoveNote. . . Our capacity to make peace with another person and with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves. – Thich Nhat Hanh

LoveNote. . . Love is an act of endless forgiveness. – Peter Ustinov

LoveNote. . . Genuine forgiveness is participation, reunion overcoming the powers of estrangement. . . We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love. – Paul Tillich

LoveNote. . . To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. – Robert Muller

LoveNote. . . The practice of forgiveness is a way by which we achieve inner peace… and, by definition means letting go of the past and therefore is the gateway to the future. – Mack Newton

LoveNote. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. – Rev. Karyl Huntley

LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. – Mark Twain

LoveNote. . . Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

LoveNote. . . “When you forgive, you essentially undo the ability to blame.” When you stop blaming yourself, you start to like yourself and you’re much more fun to be around. You get your power back over your life. That is the power of forgiveness. – Eldon Taylor

LoveNote. . . There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. – Josh Billings

LoveNote. . . The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

LoveNote. . . When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. – Catherine Ponder

LoveNote. . . One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy – whether he know about it or not. – A. Battista

LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. – Alexa Young

LoveNote. . . Asking for forgiveness and forgiving others is a complicated process that inovlves our deepest empathy, humanity and wisdom. Historically we have found that without forgiveness there can be no lasting love; no change, no growth, no real freedom. It is important, then, for those who care about lasting relationshps to better understand the dynamics of forgiveness. – Leo Buscaglia

LoveNote. . . Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. – Roberto Assagioli

LoveNote. . . As long as you are blaming anyone else for anything, you are giving away your power and creating more negative effects in your life. This is the secret behind the Hawaiian practice of ho’oponopono, popularized by Joe Vitale in his book, “Zero Limits.”

BONUS Articles: How to Forgive Your Past Relationship
Forgiveness

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.