Troubles?

The energy we give to our troubles by dwelling on them, saps us of the energy we need to find solutions for them.

They seem to linger longer the more we pay attention to them. Troubles feed on the energy we give them. Troubles deny us the opportunity that lies just past them.

Never ask why troubles come. Be grateful there are solutions.

We need to redirect our energy to a solution. This deflates the ego of troubles. Focus on the promise of a better tomorrow by acknowledging our troubles, then immediately get busy working on the discovery of workable solutions.

If we are to choose to make things work, we need to listen for answers. We cannot do this when we are immersed in the turmoil of confusion. It takes much energy to remain confused.

Copyright © 2012 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Got Upsets?

Upsets create the wisdom necessary to grow in spite of the situation.

Upsets stimulates courage to face what’s next.

It is one thing to know there is a problem and it is quite another to not do anything about it. You must first acknowledge that a problem exists before it can be fixed. Part of the healing is to acknowledge that there are indeed problems that you may be responsible for. Knowing that is not enough. DOING something different is.

Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

Ideally, having a partner who understands the concept of team and the responsibility that goes with it contributes greatly to creating a greater attitude of team, which sheds light on solutions instead of keeping the focus on the problem.

True love allows for disagreements. Problems are not there to break you. They help make you a better partner; they help you grow. Acknowledging when you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.

What you think about and speak about, you bring about. Want more of the problem? Keep thinking about the upset instead of seeking mutually beneficial solutions to it and refuse to change “YOUR” behavior. Rather than looking outside for the source of your problems, look inside for the source of your solutions.

When you dwell on the problem, a solution to it will not appear to you. There is usually more than one solution to every problem. Problems do not go away by themselves. People solve problems.

Obviously if you have a partner who is willing to work with you to get your relationship back on track. . . that’s ideal. But what do you do when your partner doesn’t acknowledge that there is a problem?

You must decide to focus your attention on working on you; getting back in touch with who you are. With a major behavior and attitude adjustment, you will begin to feel better about yourself and stop blaming your partner for the problem.

Remember, changing how you feel about your relationship, begins with changing how you think!

To have a problem be an experience of value, you must be attentive to the lesson the upset presents and be courageous enough to do whatever is necessary to avoid a future setback for the same reason.

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and an award winning nondenominational Wedding Officiant. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Confessions of a Relationship Therapist

Sherry Amatenstein, Guest Author

As a relationship therapist who counsels singles and couples, I have been privy to the fears, compulsions, deepest secrets and desires of those hoping to figure out what it takes to find and sustain love.

No matter what their ages, histories or financial portfolios, the questions patients ask and the wishes they drop in my lap are heart-touchingly similar. It is likely their secret concerns echo yours. And knowing you are not alone in harboring these emotionally debilitating feelings can be a giant salve, a step toward healing.

So I am opening my office door to reveal the five most common problems unhappy-in-love patients bring up on my couch:

1. “I have to hide who I really am, because who I am is unlovable.”
Beneath the bravado and anger a patient exudes when bemoaning that no one (this can include a current partner) seems truly capable of giving love often lies a bone-deep, crippling belief: Something in me is inherently unworthy.

This crippling fear people causes people to hide their true selves, even with the one who shares their bed. *Janet B., a 34-year-old divorcee, admitted, “Bill was an open book. But I held back so much –- an abortion I’d had as a teen, even guilty thoughts I had about co-workers who got bigger raises than me. I didn’t want my husband to think I was a bad person.” She laughed ruefully as I pointed out, “Instead, your withholding made you become strangers.”

Love Tip: Obviously the seeds of such low self esteem are rooted in one’s psyche, thus difficult to rout out with a 1-2-3 abracadabra shrink trick. But it is helpful in moments when you feel, “Oh, I can’t say that to him. I’ll sound too awful,” to tell yourself, “Even Mother Teresa had mean thoughts. No one is perfect. Would I rather pretend to be perfect or try to be real and make a genuine connection?”

2. “My partner doesn’t understand or care about how I feel.” Here is the ultimate irony of relationships circa 2011: In an era where thousands of “friends” are available at the click of a mouse, we long for a soul mate who will truly “get” us, thus assuaging our sense of isolation. Yet 60% of the patients I counsel complain of feeling more alone in their double bed then when they slept solo.

Especially in long-term partnerships, there is a danger of partners becoming emotionally estranged as they stop believing their one and only sees their side. *Kate M., 40, said in a therapy session with her husband of three years, “Don just doesn’t get that I need to hear the words ‘I love you’ more than twice a year or I don’t feel cared about.” Her spouse rebutted in a resigned tone, “And she doesn’t get that it hurts me that she thinks I don’t love her.”

Love Tip: Couples may watch their spouse’s lips move but the words often land like lyrics to a long-recorded-to-memory soundtrack — verbal wallpaper. Here’s a terrific exercise to help partners reboot their listening and comprehension skills: Take turns talking. When in listening mode, pay attention as if you are going to be graded on the answer. Repeat the gist of what your mate said. When your mate finally says, “Yes, that’s right!” it is your turn to talk, be listened to and correct false assumptions until you feel truly heard.

Once Don understood that Kate felt her father never really loved her, he didn’t take her need to hear those words as an accusation that he wasn’t loving enough toward her. And once Kate truly saw that her spouse had been raised by parents who took emotional displays as a sign of weakness, she realized the high cost to her mate of being verbally effusive.

3. “My walls have walls”
Even when they’re naked (for some, especially when they’re naked), many patients report still feeling garbed in in a clunky, painful, albeit invisible suit of armor.

*Tara P., 39 and living with her fiancé, admitted, “Whenever I’m in a relationship, I put the guy through a series of ‘tests’ to prove his loyalty to me. If Dan doesn’t remember I had an important business meeting today it proves he doesn’t really love me. If Dan does remember it only means he made a point to ask me how it went because he was afraid I’d have a fit if he didn’t. With a test this rigged, a losing score is inevitable for both parties.

Love Tip: During therapy, once layer upon layer of defenses is slowly, carefully peeled back, what is typically left is a child petrified of being abandoned. That is the scary place you go to when you make yourself vulnerable to another person. Thus the emotional “cover-up.”

True, it’s wise to protect yourself with people until they prove worthy of your trust. But, once someone has proved over and over and over he is on your side, before putting him through yet another exam, take a breath and ask yourself, ‘In this situation is there a valid reason for mistrust, or is my inner child running the show?’

4. “Even when I’m in a good relationship, I’m afraid I’ll mess it all up.”
Patient after patient has sat across from me and confessed that while she has fairly good self-esteem and believes herself capable of love, there is a secret fear of ultimately doing something to “mess things up.”

For instance *Sharon M., a 42-year-old single mother confessed, “In my work life I’m Pollyanna. I’m secure things will work out the way I want …Yet, perhaps because I followed in my parents’ footsteps and had a messy divorce, I feel romantically jinxed.” She added with a semi-laugh, “Of course with that kind of belief I create a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Love Tip: Sharon is correct: Her (your?) doomsday mindset is in large part responsible for a lack of success in the love department. Instead of automatically giving free reign to that belief, stop recycling the ‘poor me’ card and start repeating a new mantra: “I’m sick of being a victim. It’s in my power to sustain a great relationship.”

That objective becomes easier to achieve by looking for positive romantic role models to emulate — couples that have been together 10 years or more and are happy to share their secrets.

5. “I love my partner. Why am I still unhappy?”
This wistful lament is familiar to anyone who has hoped that finding love can heal an inner emptiness. But the job description of a partner is to add to your life, not make your life fulfilling.

*Jenna E., 29 and single, has a history of serial monogamy. She landed in my office to work out mixed feelings about her current boyfriend. “Things seemed wonderful at first — I get such a high from being in love. But then I start not feeling as close and the person starts seeming like part of my problem.” She concluded, “I don’t want to leave Eric because that’s what I always do. He’s a good guy but things feel flat.”

Love Tip: Again, alas, no easy fix but the ‘solution’ is to realize that happiness is an inside job. The more you look for external sources to feed you the hungrier you will be. A lover can’t just be a temporary distraction from loneliness. Focus on things you love about yourself, activities that feel good, and, most important, on being able to feel good when alone. It takes work, true, but there’s a big payoff!

* Names changed

Copyright © 2011 – Sherry Amatenstein. Relationship therapist Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, author of “The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship Saving Advice From America’s Top 50+ Couples Therapists (Adams, 2010). Visit Sherry’s Website. Get a daily Sherapy love tip by liking Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW on Facebook.

Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Who Ya Gonna Call? – The Love Doctor, of Course!

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost track of where you are in the relationship? Perhaps it doesn’t seem to have the romance it once had or maybe you’ve drifted apart and you seem to be at an impasse?

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve failed in any way. All that may mean is that you need a swift kick in the behind to get you back on track. A relationship coach might help.

The truth is that often the key ingredient that is missing in many relationships is plain old “common sense.” What is common sense? It is the sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge or training. Everyone has it. Some never put it to use. A relationship problem happens and common sense goes out the window.

When you love someone, it doesn’t make sense to slow down or stop communication with one another just because you have a disagreement. Smart people make it a point to move past the annoying problems that people with very little common sense allow to cause permanent damage to their relationship.

When communication stops – listening also stops. With no listening, there is no possible solution to the problem. A good relationship coach is a good listener. They will allow each other to speak and listen to what the other person has to say and if the couple can temporarily suspend judgment and their anger that is often a major step in resolving matters.

It doesn’t make sense to hold on to resentment or to not forgive your partner. To forgive means to “give up”, to let go. Let it go. Forgiveness is a journey. Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget AND you can still choose to forgive. You can forgive and tomorrow you may feel the pain all over again. As life goes on and you choose to remember and feel the pain, that is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, next, move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will eventually fade.

“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~ Alexandra Asseily, author of “The Garden of Forgiveness in Beirut”

One more thing about forgiveness; when you let it go. . . really let it go and do not bring it up again. That only reopens the wound and the hurt will never heal.

Sometimes just being able to freely express how you really feel about your partner – in the presence of your partner – opens up the opportunity to more clearly see the problem from both sides. A good relationship coach will listen and ask lots of questions the answers to which could and often does lead you to your own conclusion about what needs to be done. Once you have a better understanding of the reasoning behind your behavior, you will have a much easier time getting your relationship back on track, minus the resentment.

Notice that I said “behavior.” Your behavior in the relationship has to change for any positive change to occur. That is a fact.

It doesn’t make sense to hold on to being right when you know you are wrong. That’s called stupid! Do you want to be right or happy? Constantly fighting about little things doesn’t make sense either. If either of you can’t seem to get a point across without having a full-blown disagreement, a relationship coach can help you communicate better – in a way that benefits, rather than burdens, the relationship.

It never makes sense to blame your partner for everything in your relationship. As long as you are blaming anyone else for anything, you are giving away your power and creating more negative effects in your relationship. There is a payoff for everything you do. The payoff for pointing a finger at your partner and blaming him or her for your relationship condition is: you don’t have to take responsibility for your share of the problem.

Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

So, the bottom line is this: Relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Trying to fix your own relationship is like standing in a bucket and trying to lift yourself up by the handle.

When your relationship is about to crash, it is wise to take immediate action. Never wait until your relationship is past the point of no return. Be brave. Call a relationship coach.

“The best time – in fact, the only time – to make a real change in your life is in the moment of seeing the need for it. He who hesitates always gets lost in the hundred reasons why tomorrow is a better day to get started!” ~ Guy Finley, author of “The Secret of Letting Go“

Preventative relationship maintenance works too!

BONUS Articles: Preventative Maintenance
Relationship Speed Bumps!

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
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The BIG “Oops!”

Saying, “My bad!” or “I’m sorry” over and over again when you make a big “Oops!” is kinda like the story of the little boy who cried, “Wolf.” After a while your partner will get the idea that change is not in the picture.

When you make a misstep. . . acknowledge it and promise not to do it again. . . and KEEP YOUR WORD! “I was wrong and I am sorry,” works once or possibly twice. Those seven words will help make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your relationship and your life work better and you will be closer to your heart’s desire; a healthy love relationship and marriage.

Saying “I’m sorry” over and over for the same mistake doesn’t work! Not making the same mistake again does. It demonstrates your sincerity and respect for your partner and makes a significant contribution to your relationship.

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Get a grip! Stop saying, “I’m sorry” and do it right the next time.

You can’t take back words in anger, and you can only say I’m sorry a couple of times for the same thing. Then, those words aren’t even a Band-Aid; the apology just plain doesn’t work.” When you are upset or angry because of a “oops,” allow a cooling off period.

Toothpaste once squeezed, cannot be put back into the tube. Feathers scattered in the wind cannot be collected. You cannot un-ring a bell. Hurtful words once spoken, cannot be taken back.

By the way, saying “I’m sorry” is okay as long as the behavior stops. Again, too many “I’m sorrys” is like crying, “Wolf!”

Speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. Think twice before you say something that may hurt someone else!

Make an effort to make sure the last words to your partner each morning and each night are loving, positive and encouraging.

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

One of the secrets to having healthy love relationships is to never be afraid to openly and honestly discuss whatever is relevant to the success of the relationship. Making mistakes is part of having a relationship. Those kind of issues are not to break us, but to make us stronger as a team.

Sometimes saying you are sorry doesn’t always mean you did anything wrong. When your lover is experiencing difficulties, “I’m sorry” can be an expression of understanding; it demonstrates an attitude of caring and empathy.

Disagreements will occur. When they do, bounce back quickly. If an “I’m sorry” is appropriate, muster the courage and say it. Don’t waste time wallowing in the stuff of the quarrel.

Someone has to be first to break the silence. Let it be you.

Copyright © 2011 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

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Relationship Speed Bumps!

A relationship can be a wonderful trip. However, by its very nature it often has many ups and downs or what I call relationship speed bumps. These kinds of speed bumps can be challenging and often cause major upsets in relationships. It’s crazy to think that a great relationship should be smooth sailing all the time. That’s not going to happen.

Rough spots are natural to progress. There are many speed bumps to be negotiated along the way. You most likely hit that bump because you unwittingly mishandled a situation or don’t know how to handle it.

When we’re driving, if we know a speed bump is coming up, we get prepared for it. We slow down, lean forward, it’s no surprise and we travel on. But, when we’re hit with it suddenly, we fly over it, we bump our heads on the roof top, it jars us and can be very scary.

Here are a few “relationship speed bumps” that come up in my coaching sessions:

• One partner has grown distant – completely shut down
• Financial problems and a lack of knowing what to do about it
• No or little sex (HINT: Sex releases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone)
• Few or no relationship goals
• Wanting to be “right” about your position
• Blaming your partner for every little thing
• Not taking responsibility for your own actions
• The mistaken belief that problems go away by themselves
• Addictions: Drugs, sex and others
• One partner has wandering eyes and flirts with the opposite sex when with his partner
• Not addressing the real problem
• Romance and love seem absent
• Poor (or no) communication
• Your partner complains and whines about everything (or at least it feels like it)
• One partner is still hanging out in bars and still acting single
• The untimate relationship speed bump – your partner is cheating on you
• ______________________ add your speed bump here!

The key is to work together to avoid common mistakes in relationships. Most relationship speed bumps are not catastrophic. They seldom bring you to a grinding halt. They don’t cause enough damage to make your relationship undrivable. Most create just enough stress or angst to cause temporary concern. Some require major damage control. Others just slow you down for a bit.

Slowing down and listening to your partner when you reach relationship speed bumps works better in the long run than always trying to swerve around (or avoiding) them. Always remember, problems call attention to things that need to be fixed.

Sometimes the best route to avoid those speed bumps is to ask for help. Call a relationship coach. Every couple has relationship problems now and then. The best strategy is to have an agreeable strategy for avoiding past pitfalls, and have the same long-term relationship goals. This is a great way to reinvigorate not only your long-term relationship, but your ambition. Sit down with your partner and decide where you both want to be in the long-term – neighborhood, house, kids, jobs, etc., – and how to get there.

When couples are invested emotionally in each other they have a better change of navagating around the speed bumps that show up.

When you notice you are in an unhealthy place or your relationship is not working well what do you do?

Some just give up and let the relationship die, or move on to the next relationship blaming everything on their partner and know that the next partner won’t be like the last one. Most – and a better solution – is to give yourself a kick in the seat and then begin to work “together” to do all those things you know will help you bring your relationship back to a healthy and fulfilling state. For sure a challenging time doesn’t mean the relationship should end.

It just means that both partners need to slow down, take a serious look at what is really going on and be determined to do what ever it takes to fix it. It’s time to recommit and rededicate yourself to your partner and approach the challenge together, knowing you will get through it.

Equate a relationship like a muscle. If you don’t exercise the muscle, it wheithers away. This is true. . . relationships become stronger as a couple works together to avoid the relationship speed bumps. It will revitalize your relationship.

Remember, speed bumps are not road blocks. They only stop you if you allow it. Relationship speed bumps are a good reason to slow down and “pay attention.” They help us realize how fast we are moving and remind us we need to consciously step on the brake and pay more attention. There are always ways to better yourself and your relationship, and it’s better to do it together than separately.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
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How About a Healthy, Controlled One-on-one?

You were friends first, then you both decided to get serious about a relationship. Good for you. That’s about as good as it gets, right?

Hmmm. Not always. Relationships have their ups and downs. When you hit a bump in the road perhaps it’s time to have a sit down, healthy, controlled one-on-one and really get honest about what’s really bugging you.

In the early days of your relationship, it can be hard to imagine taking each other for granted and not making time for each other. Over time, however, we often find ourselves slipping into ways of communicating and behaving that can have a detrimental effect on the long term health of our relationship.

Stop conflict before it goes to far. . . begin communicating!

That is easier said then done, unless. . . you have agreements with each other about how this will occur. It might even be a good idea to regularly set aside a time to really “talk” with (not at) each other. Some say that communication is the number one problem in relationships. I say, that it goes deeper than that.

It also about “undelivered” communication. It’s about what you don’t say and know you should, but the last time you talked about it someone got angry and you don’t want to go through that again. So. . . you don’t say anything. You withhold. Then, one day your partner doesn’t take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it’s not about the garbage, it’s about all the things you didn’t say.

“Love sits in silence waiting to be summoned by our reverence for the sheer existence of another. Protect, honor and heighten it by expressing it genuinely.” ~ Jeffrey Levin

In every relationship, you need to communicate via conversation. Once you have set a time to talk with one another, have an agreement that when your partner is talking, you only listen and visa versa. ONLY LISTEN. Do not be on the defensive. No folded arms (signaling not open to talk or “I’m shutting you out!”). Suspend any anger you may have. Never arguing. . . only listening.

Come with a brief (you don’t want to bring more than a couple of issues to the table) list of special annoyances or concerns. Take turns saying whatever is on your mind while the other listens and then repeats it back to make sure that they understand.

One of the keys is to only listen, then repeat. Critical to the conversation is that neither of you gets hurt by the information and that you each take responsibility for your role in the situation.

Relationships are individual projects first – the one with ourselves – and mutually beneficial projects second – the one with ourselves and our partner. Taking responsibility for our own stuff is a wonderful gift we give ourselves and our partner. Relationships take our constant attention; every day and every minute. It is when we forget this that problems begin.

The dilemma is this: there are two people. That means we have two people making choices and there are a multitude of choices each of us could make. Each love partner is only and always responsible for their own choices.

For this too work. . . you must both give up “being right!” This one-on-one is not about who is right OR wrong. It’s about lovingly airing your differences. It’s about speaking and listening – but not both at the same time. It’s about communicating with one another! Talking WITH each other. Got that?

Don’t sit there and think: “How can she possibly believe that I have anything to do with this problem?” Or “That really hurts to hear him say that,” or “Damn, I wish she would quit while she’s ahead. I don’t need to hear this again!”

You’re not really listening when you distract yourself from the conversation with anything that is not beneficial to it. So, think about THAT!”

I repeat, critical to the conversation is that neither of you gets hurt by the information and that you each take responsibility for your role in the situation. This “must” be done in the context of love, honor and respect rather than to knock down the other person’s interpretation of what is going on or to defend your own position.

Only listen and repeat!

This is often a scary idea to share negative aspects of your relationship. This is the time to have no undelivered communication. If you want to be improving your relationship, you must speak from your heart. Speaking from your heart means speaking what is really true for you. Speak the truth as you know it.

Often in my relationship seminars I will ask a man and women (not the one you came with) to sit knee to knee and have the man only listen as the women pours out her heart. ALL women report what a tremendous feeling to be able to express an issue with a stranger who only listens and all women say that they wish it could be that way with their partner.

It can be! AND. . . you must have agreements before this way of communication can be effective.

It’s always best to never let a situation get out of hand by letting it fester and then only complain to someone else about it – someone who is not in a position to do anything about it. That’s stupid. Yes, we all vent now and then, but you must remember that there are consequences for not talking with your partner about what’s really bugging you.

Always make time for the two of you to communicate. To not do so only creates more ill will.

If you have allowed the situation to get out of hand, perhaps it might serve you better to talk about your issues in a safe, loving environment with a relationship coach. Is coaching worth it? With the right relationship coach and the right attitude from the couple, coaching may save your relationship. I often tell my coaching clients, “Coaching doesn’t work! YOU and your partner must do the work!”

However, most couples can avoid the coaching step if they will but agree to give up being right about their position and genuinely LISTEN and repeat to their love partner.

For a deeper look into this technique (with a slight twist), read: “Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk.”

Recommendation: This is a long article and comes in 4 parts. Read it. Then, if it is something you would like to do, print two copies – one for each of you and arrange a time to get together, always following the precise guidelines. It’s never easy but this really does work. Or. . . call a relationship coach!

“Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship. There can be no trust without conversation, no genuine intimacy without trust.” ~ Larry James

If you avoiding intimacy because it feels like another demand at the end of a very busy day or because you are feeling unappreciated or resentful, it’s time to do something about it.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
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Got Kids?

Never use your children as an excuse to not work on you or your relationship. While it is true that you have an awesome responsibility to care for your children, if you put them first and you last, I suggest that there may be some confusion about your priorities. If you forget to take care of you, you are not leading by example. It’s important to be a good example for your kids.

Some will tell you to never air your disagreements in front of your kids. I disagree. Children are much smarter than we give them credit. They know when you have misunderstandings and arguments.

When your children witness an argument, reassure them that it is not their fault. Demonstrate to them that parents can be angry and still love each other while they are finding solutions to their problems. The skill of teaching fair fighting or at least keeping the decibels at a reasonable level when expressing your concerns is key.

However. . . always arguing and raising your voices in front of the children is inappropriate. Most high-level disagreements should be out of hearing range of the kids. Strive for balance.

Your home is a school. What are you teaching your children?

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Author and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

Rebuild Your Relationship With Yourself

Rebuilding your relationship with yourself is the first step in the right direction. You may have to take the first step while you are still afraid.

When your relationship with you sucks, you cannot be the kind of person your partner needs you to be. Work on you first. The relationship is a close second. Two broken people cannot fix each other. If you want to fix your relationship, start by fixing yourself.

Only you can do the work that you know must be done. I stress “know” because everyone knows himself or herself better than anyone does.

If you truly want out of a relationship slump, you must begin to be honest with what needs to be fixed within you.

Never blame others for how you feel. How you choose to feel is only and always a personal choice!

Learning to love yourself teaches you to love others. Learn to love you. Only then can you offer the kind of love your partner needs. Only then.

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Author and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com

Living Life in the Leap!

So often in coaching couples about their relationship, I hear one or both partners say, “The passion is gone. We’re just roommates. It’s just not the same as it was.” How sad to have moved away from the excitement that once was.

While it may be true that with the passing of time some couples tend to tilt away from the consistency of effort that is required to keep them on track, it doesn’t have to be that way.

When you have experienced a pulling away, a slowdown in affection, sex and all the other important things that seemed to matter when you first met, it is often difficult to begin again.

The hardest part of coming out of a slump is acknowledging you are in one. You cannot solve a problem that you cannot admit you have.

When the energy you pour into your relationship has slowed to a trickle, there are some things you can do.

Don’t give up! The power to break through a slump is in you.

If you are thinking, “It’s no use. I’m tired of doing all the work in the relationship. He/She isn’t even trying. I’ve got to get out!” Think again. Your interpretation of how things are colors what happens next. It alters your forward motion. While in the heat of battle, it may feel easier to leave the relationship rather than do the work you committed to in the first place. The odds are against you.

Making another relationship work most likely will not work if you do not take time to work though the issues you are currently experiencing. It is most difficult to start over in a relationship you are already in, much less begin a new one.

Adversity does not create a great relationship – it reveals it! Upsets create the wisdom necessary to grow in spite of the situation. Upsets stimulate courage to face what’s next. To have a problem be an experience of value, you must be attentive to the lesson the upset presents and be courageous enough to do what is necessary to avoid a future setback for the same reason.

It helps when both partners are in agreement. Obviously one person cannot do the work of two. Remember you are in a partnership. It takes two! The sad truth is, you know the relationship is over when one partner refuses to work on the relationship.

Once the decision to move forward is clear, getting started will be your next hurdle. It requires your personal urgency. It will take a leap of faith. This may feel like you are living your life in the leap; not being sure of what will happen or where you will land. It will also take courage. It will take both partners working together, making new promises and beginning with baby steps.

It’s time to make some new choices such as changing your thinking, constructing new behavioral patterns and changing your relationship from one that may be sinking into the abyss, into one you can be proud to be in.

At least now you know what doesn’t work. Perhaps this is good. Don’t do your relationship that way anymore. The secret is to not repeat past destructive behaviors. It is much wiser to learn to remake the future than to continue to relive the past.

Copyright © 2009 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Author and Speakers BLOG” at: http://AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.wordpress.com