Barbara J. Peters, Guest Author
Go ahead, have an affair. No, really.
Infidelity is one of the more difficult problems facing married couples today. In my practice I see many couples trying to work through the hurt and pain of being the victim of a deceitful relationship. In one such counseling session I suddenly thought “why not have an affair with each other.”
Men and women cheat for different reasons, but if they can find what they need from each other no one has to be hurt. Think about what things you could do to bring the excitement, spontaneity, sexual desire and feeling of being loved into your marriage with a twist: that of an affair with your spouse. It might take some creativity but the results could prove very rewarding.
Studies have shown nearly half of all marriages end in divorce; it’s no wonder so many people are opting to stay single these days. The truth is that there is no one reason why married people have affairs, but rather a whole constellation of factors paving the road to infidelity. But, with the right tools and attitudes, marriages can endure the test of time, flourish and even exceed expectations.
Many problems within a marriage focus on communication or the lack of it, but often one of the most difficult obstacles for couples to overcome is infidelity. At a recent counseling session, I was working with a couple trying to deal with the husband’s infidelity. Suddenly I asked the wife, “Why don’t you have an affair with your husband?” The look of surprise on both faces matched my own.
Most of us expect monogamy to be a normal part of marriage or any committed relationship. The reality is monogamy is not the norm. Why not play the part of a mistress to add new dimensions to your marriage? It just might stave off wanderings, by you or your partner.
While many may feel self-conscious or even a little foolish while role-playing a part, once into it, magic will happen. Suppressed feelings or emotions can explode and ignite fireworks long forgotten. Need a primer to get started? Here’s a road map to help you reap the pleasures of having an affair with your husband and some useful tips about becoming the “other woman” in your marriage.
Excitement
Acting on the sly always brings an adrenaline rush, even with your husband. Create lost excitement in your marriage with secret lovemaking in new places, away from home. Never discuss your clandestine rendezvous; after all, you are meeting a secret lover and don’t want your husband to know! Send provocative text messages at the most unpredictable times.
Leave love notes in his car, on his mirror, in the refrigerator – all unlikely places to look for love. The anticipation of your tantalizing rendezvous will excite your man more than you will ever know. Tease him about what you will be wearing, or won’t be. Anticipation thrills men and is much like foreplay for women. Men are intrigued by the devilish mind games and images created by you.
Falling in Love
Those first few days of falling in love always remind us happy memories we want to experience over and over again. Recreate the past when you waited with excitement for his call or to take his arm. Gaze at him with loving eyes, touch him lightly and tell him how wonderful, smart and adorable he is. Laugh at his jokes and tell him how you love his sense of humor. Explore something new about your partner, as there is always something to discover.
Sex
This pleasurable act often becomes boring and ritualistic with a spouse, but with a new partner often brings new awakenings. Most men try affairs because they want sexual conquest – you can be that conquest. Play a role opposite what he thinks you are. Try a washable tattoo in a sexy place, become a blond bombshell or surprise your husband with a peek at your passionate side by hiring a boudoir photographer.
Fantasies are fun, but you must first find out what his fantasies are. That’s where sexy talk will ease your way. Flirt with your husband, especially in public. Touch and tease him under the table at a restaurant. Whisper in his ear that you are ready for the hottest night of your life.
Finally, remember how wonderfully blissful you felt when you were dating, courting and walking down the aisle on your wedding day. Remember that feeling of love and the intense desire to be with your husband forever. Get out your wedding pictures and experience those emotions all over again. You’ll be more ready for an affair with your husband (or wife).
Copyright © 2010 – Barbara J. Peters. Barbara J. Peters is a licensed professional counselor providing couples therapy in Cumming, Georgia. She is the author of “Gift of a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Lasts.” Visit her website at www.BJPCounseling.com and www.TheGiftOfaLifetime.net.
Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere. Something NEW about relationships is posted every 4th day on this Relationships BLOG.
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When romance occurs in your relationship, you can’t help but feel the overwhelming sensation of floating on air and being mesmerized by the intoxicating aroma of love all around you. One thing that most people want, male and female, is to feel special and to feel loved. It is a feeling worthy of pursuit. 
Romantic overtures may seem to come easily to some people, however that is only because they have learned this fine technique, and practice how to be romantic on a regular basis. Some people feel loved when they hear those sweet words whispered, “I love You,” others feel love, by being touched, and others feel love by simple everyday kindnesses. Random hugs are soooo good! Flowers or a romantic card – for no special reason work too. An unexpected foot massage feels mighty special.
Be full of surprises. Unleash the unexpected. Be creative. Flirt. Be playful. Surprises are a good thing and never fail to make your partner happy. Surprises are considered very romantic – it’s like expressing all romance, sweetness, thoughtfulness and excitement all in one single activity. Be someone who looks only for the good in your partner. Surprises are magical. 
Pity Parties require the proper outfit, which is usually pajamas cause you don’t get all dressed up during those feeling-sorry-for-myself moments. You’re laying around, depressed with nearly no ambition to change. Also you should have no make up on or just the one from the night before; hair undone as well. It also involves tissues, comfort food such as ice cream; chocolate (especially chocolate!); potato chips; cookies; cake; and candy. Low fat food is banned.
Got the point? It’s not a pretty picture! Please do NOT send invitations. No one likes to be around someone who is always complaining and wining about life. It’s not time to hit the panic button just yet!
It’s time to get busy living! Life is too short to bitch and moan about what isn’t happening to you. Focus on what you want. What you think about, and speak about, you bring about. You might not be in the mood for exercise. But just do it anyway! Taking a walk, going for a run, going to the gym, whatever it is you do for exercise – get out and do it now! 
Once the decision to move forward is clear, getting started will be your next hurdle. It requires your personal urgency and lots of energy. It will take a leap of faith. This may feel like you are living your life in the leap; not being sure of what will happen or where you will land. It will also take courage. At least now you know what doesn’t work. Perhaps this is good. Don’t do life that way anymore. 
Stop conflict before it goes to far. . . begin communicating! 
In every relationship, you need to communicate via conversation. Once you have set a time to talk with one another, have an agreement that when your partner is talking, you only listen and visa versa. ONLY LISTEN. Do not be on the defensive. No folded arms (signaling not open to talk or “I’m shutting you out!”). Suspend any anger you may have. Never arguing. . . only listening. 
It’s about communicating with one another! Talking WITH each other. Got that?
Often in my relationship seminars I will ask a man and women (not the one you came with) to sit knee to knee and have the man only listen as the women pours out her heart. ALL women report what a tremendous feeling to be able to express an issue with a stranger who only listens and all women say that they wish it could be that way with their partner.
Recommendation: This is a long article and comes in 4 parts. Read it. Then, if it is something you would like to do, print two copies – one for each of you and arrange a time to get together, always following the precise guidelines. It’s never easy but this really does work. Or. . . call a 
The rules are simple, if you get accused of doing, or not doing something, you need to deflect the situation by pushing the blame onto someone else. The beauty of always blaming others is we blame everything bad that happens on someone else. That way we stay perfect because it’s never our own fault. 
Why is it so difficult for people to accept the fact that they may have a part in being at fault in a situation that has an unfortunate outcome?
The next time you get into a tiff with your partner and blame shows up, do something different. Pause and reflect upon what, if even the slightest, role you might play in the disagreement. Admit your share of the tiff. Consider saying something like, “You know what? I think might have rolled my eyes at you and that wasn’t very nice. I apologize for that. I will do my best to not have that happen again.” At least that’s a good start.
Remember: the purpose of this specialized and personal inner work is to help you find those places within you where pressurized feelings are trying to squeeze you into their shape and into serving their world. There are dozens of inner opportunities daily where you can start to catch and cancel the painful effects of these latent psychic forces. Your conscious participation in inner exercises such as these, and those you help to create yourself, is the only way to awaken the will you need so that one day you never have to answer to any anxiety again!
• Why do made-for-each-other love bugs butt heads, step on each others toes, and get their wires crossed?
Never assume your sweetheart sees you the way you see yourself. When you have beliefs that diminish your self-value (and who doesn’t), it’s easy to get your wires crossed and see or hear negative messages when no such thing is intended. Your sweetheart loves you. If you don’t believe that, reconsider your relationship situation. If you do, don’t twist your sweetheart’s words and actions to fit your self-perception. When you feel hurt or disappointed, take a close look at why. Perhaps it’s a chapter in your Foreplay Navigator that needs a rewrite. For example, if your sweetheart says, “The rice is salty,” and you hear, “You’re a terrible cook,” maybe the problem is your self-esteem.
A hug is a form of physical intimacy, not necessarily sexual, that usually involves closing or holding the arms around another person. The hug is one of the most common human signs of love and affection. Hugs may also be exchanged as a sign of support and comfort. There’s something in a simple hug that always warms the heart.
