Always Work Together!

Working together in a love relationship to get your individual needs met and the mutual needs of the relationship and not have expectations about how those needs get met will always generate new things to talk about.

Having expectations about how your needs get met is not only unrealistic it is an unhealthy attitude.

For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn’t show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed. A better way might be to have your need for being loved fulfilled by allowing your love partner to love you the way they love you.

Being okay with how they love you creates a sense of adventure; it creates new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience together.

Often challenges show up. However, when two people really love each other and are committed to work together, challenges like these create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-inquire.

They then choose to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by this new way of being and know that everything is going to be okay.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Beware of Dancing Hormones! – For Singles Only

You must learn to be alone and happy before you can be together with someone else and be happy. Your happiness only and always depends upon how you feel when you are alone, never how you think you will feel when you are with someone else.

Healthy love relationships require that you be strong enough to resist rushing to your next relationship before all the hurts of the past are healed. Healing takes time. Doing healing alone or with the assistance of a skilled professional, will always get you where you want to go much quicker.

Be alone in the short term for the extraordinary long term benefits. Learn what it takes to be in a healthy relationship with yourself. When you get comfortable with being alone; when the feeling that you must be in a relationship to feel complete disappears, most likely you will be ready for another relationship.

The path to a healthy love relationship becomes more clear when you put your own well being ahead of having to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself.

Beware of dancing hormones! They often mask a multitude of stuff. You know what I mean. It’s that time when both of your antennas go up! You’re tuned in to each other. Your body tells you things you didn’t know about yourself. Your heart is dancing! Is it your heart or your hormones? To some, that is the fun part; a time for romance; the time when you are deep in thought. . . “Is this the one?”

While it’s true that this part of a relationship feels good, perhaps you should follow your heart instead of your hormones on this one. The hormones will scream words like: ‘forget all that stuff about healthy love relationships, live fast, love hard and get this one before he or she gets away!’ or ‘carve another notch, this one’s the same as in bed!’ or whatever the hormones moan.

Your heart will whisper words like: ‘take it easy!’ – ‘one step at a time!’ – ‘get to know each other’ – ‘tell each other the relevant truth’ – ‘make sure it’s love and not just sex!’ or whatever the heart could say that would be words of love and encouragement.

Only and always listen to your heart!

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Before You Blow Up, Cool Down

Anger spills over into all areas of your life. Unresolved anger transfers to others you are in relationship with.

Anger, when released, without dumping on your relationship, is good. Anger is not bad. We only call it bad because we feel its negative energy. It is only bad when we express it in hurtful and thoughtless ways.

When we are angry our feelings change from moment to moment. Anger produces feelings that are unreliable.

Our feelings often rise and fall as our energy is drawn from the unstable emotions present when anger is being expressed. In those moments our feelings may not be the most reliable source of information to help us move past it.

Always do your best to avoid, at all costs, the necessity of experiencing the negative results of anger. The healthy release of anger must be presented in a way that empowers the relationship; anger expressed without blame, without pointing fingers.

To avoid unnecessary pain, it is important to learn that anger must be expressed with an attitude of acknowledgment; acknowledgment for the responsibility you have for your equal share of the upset.

It is never appropriate to suppress anger or to disregard how we really feel about it. When we feel anger, it is a very real feeling; at that moment, we have an intimate relationship with it.

Anger is difficult to contain. When we are angry, we often feel a need to demonstrate it, talk about it and let people know that we are indeed angry. Only and always talking about it is not enough. Talking about it helps only if your intention is to seek to understand it or to find a way through it, not to justify it or hold on to it.

In reality, anger is a derivative of and an expression of fear. To transcend or master fear, we must turn our back on it; exercise courage. Love cannot exist in the presence of fear. It is impossible for opposites to co-exist. They cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So. . . we drift. Back and forth. Love. Fear. Love. Fear.

We must learn to express love to ourselves and to others in the midst of upsets. Releasing anger in healthy ways proves we are capable of creative acts of wholeness. Healing is always around the corner. It shows up when we have the courage to let go of the anger and fully embrace love.

When you have disagreements, watch for the appropriate opportunity to share what is really in your heart. Little, if any progress can be made during meltdown. Allow a time for cooling off. This is a time when you must work together to create a space for each love partner to express their feelings without any fear that it isn’t safe to do so.

Listen. Communicate. Give up your attachment to being right and settle for a win/win solution that serves both love partners equally.

Only one response to conflict opens the door to greater intimacy; an intent to learn from the experience.

Before you blow up, cool down.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James as a “friend” to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Take This Challenge!

Be challenged by engaging in meaningful conversation. Talk about things that are important to your relationship. Don’t leave anything out.

Develop a relationship that creates the freedom to talk about what needs to be said, without arguments. . . only conversations.

It’s not easy. It takes giving your love partner the freedom to speak what is in his or her heart. It takes knowing that what they speak about is only their opinion, they have a right to it and are responsible for it.

The challenge is to be okay with that.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Relationship Highway – Knowing When to Exit: Deciding to “Break Up”

Lori & Bob Hollander, Guest Authors –

How do you know when is it time to “break up?” The decision to end a relationship can be clear and easy if there are “deal breaker” issues, e.g., he is disrespectful or pushy about sex when you made it clear you are not ready. On the other end of the spectrum, a decision to break up can be full of uncertainty and angst.

If the answer is right in front of you, it’s best to let the other person know and move on. If you are more deeply invested in the relationship – head, heart and hormones, it is vital that you face and embrace this decision.

In our work with couples in conflict who have been together for years, we ask each person, “Why did you commit to or marry your partner?” We have heard more than once:

• “It was just the next step.”
• “We had been dating for years.”
• “It is what my family expected.”
• “The invitations went out; I would’ve been too embarrassed to cancel.”
• “I didn’t know how to break up. I didn’t want to hurt my partner.”
• “I knew it was wrong, but I walked down the aisle anyway.”

Though breaking up would have been difficult, it is much more painful and complicated after being committed for years, bonding with each others families and of course, having children.

So, if you are in a situation where you have thought about ending a relationship and find yourself uncertain or avoiding the issue, take it on by letting your head lead. The following questions may help:

1. What are my concerns about the relationship? Have I addressed them with my partner? If no, what is holding me back? If yes, was he/she responsive to my concerns?

2. How well do we communicate? How well do we face differences, embrace conflict and work it through?

3. Do I trust and respect my partner and feel trusted and respected in return? Is the power in the relationship balanced? If not, how does this affect me? Us?

4. In what ways are we intimate, head, heart and hormones? Where do we need to improve and would he/she be willing to address this together?

5. Would my partner being willing to get counseling/coaching if we could not resolve our differences?

Sometimes it is too difficult to sort through your thoughts and feelings on your own and individuals seek therapy. In addressing this issue in counseling, we never tell people what to do, but we do help them think through their decisions so they can gain clarity and more certainty about their choice.

When couples seek help with compatibility, we help them clearly identify their difficulties and communicate about them in a healthy way so they can make the best decision.

For an in-depth book on finding clarity, we recommend: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. It has been helpful to many of our clients.

BONUS Article: You Know the Relationship is Over When. . .

Copyright © 2010 – Lori & Bob Hollander. Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, JD, LCSW-C, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center. Together, they encourage couples to consciously co-create their relationships in order to achieve a deeper, more intimate connection. You can visit Relationships Work online at: http://www.RelationshipsWork.com

Larry’s Note: Subscribe to Lori & Bob’s eNewsletter on their Website and receive a gift, “The 7 Secrets of Emotional & Erotic Intimacy.” Make them your friend on Facebook, click here!

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

What’s the BIG Idea?

We’re talking about love and romance ideas. . . relationship ideas!

When is the last time that you actually thought about coming up with some new ideas that might help your relationship become the kind of relationship you would brag about to your friends? Think!

Ideas about love and romance are everywhere. Books, seminars, music, BLOGs, billboards, movies, other couples. . . everywhere! But what about the really “good” ideas? Where do they come from?

“The best ideas come out of the corner of our eye, the edge of our consciousness, in a flash. They are the result of misdirection and random collisions, not a grinding corporate onslaught. And yet we waste billions of dollars in time looking for them where they’re not.” – Seth Godin

Seth is really talking about BIG corporate ideas, but the same is true about relationship ideas.

I believe that you have to consciously look for new ideas if you want to find them. It doesn’t really take much time. You just have to discover a new awareness of relationships, make the discovery, apprehend the idea and make it your own.

Con·scious -ˈkän(t)-shəs
1 : perceiving, apprehending, or noticing with a degree of controlled thought or observation.

When I can let go of trying to find a new idea – but maintaining my awareness of relationships – like Seth said, “In a flash!” there it is staring me right in the face! My next BIG idea. That was easy. Some creative relationship ideas are just happy accidents. Give up your familiar reference points about how your relationship is and dare to do something different. You may have to take some practice shots before you score the point.

The idea for this article came to me after I went to bed. I was saying a prayer and got distracted. The distraction was that I had just come from performing a “Renewal of Vows” ceremony for a couple I married on May 14, 2005. The husband called me to arrange this ceremony as a surprise to his wife. When she found out why – after five years – she and her husband would suddenly run into me at Sassi Ristorante, Scottsdale, she got the biggest smile on her face. Her eyes sparkled and said, “I love you,” to her husband without a word being spoken. She was happy!

I thought: “What a great idea!” Then I started to wonder how many other men (and women) consciously look for big ideas to make someone they love happy? I got out of bed and began to write this article.

The intention is not to TELL you what the BIG idea is. The intention is to stir up your mind and get you thinking about what the next big idea for you and your partner will be. There is a certain buzz that you get when you embrace a new idea. You become rewarded with a renewed focus on the things that really matter.

Listen for hints. Turn on a radio at random times and listen for a “message.” Watch for signals that tell you what would help make your partner sparkle. In other words. . . pay more attention to your partner. Intentionally notice your relationship. Attend to it. Really BE in the relationship, not just be a part of it. Remember your dreams. Listen to your inner muse. Develop a passion to innovate. No passion for the relationship, no innovation. Idea innovation has to be embedded in your daily routine. It’s never to late to innovate. Grandma Moses started painting at 64.

Block off time each day for creative relationship thinking. Trust your imagination. Bring your project or challenge to mind before going to bed (you wouldn’t be reading this article had I not done this). Become your own relationship Ninja. Design your own relationship initiative, and stick to it. Don’t stop unless you want your relationship to grind to a gradual halt.

Creativity isn’t a mystical state. It’s a natural state. You ARE creative. You are gifted. Use your gift. The problem is your natural creativity is being obscured by your own habits of thought and a variety of other bothersome constraints. Your challenge is the same one as seeing the “hidden” arrow in the FedEx logo (look between the “E” and the “X”). The arrow has always been there, but most people never notice it. For creative people, the “white arrow” is often a moment that shows up quite unexpectedly. It’s not “on the radar.” It’s hidden from view. It’s not immediately apparent. And often that is where the breakthroughs reside.

If you think your idea isn’t good enough, you could be right, however run it by someone else to see if they can find something redeemable about your bad idea. Even a not-so-good idea can lead to an even better one. Now you’re tapping in to co-creation with someone else. That can be a good thing.

It is not passe to let go of your old paradigms. Break out the the old-way-of-thinking relationship box. Become more open-minded. Dare to try something new. Construct your own breakthrough in the relationship arena. Work toward an authentic commitment that drives meaningful change in your relationship. Become fully engaged.

Begin making a list. The list can be updated, added to, or subtracted from easily. People like lists. It’s fun to check off the things you have tried and add new romantic ideas to your list. There is great reward in the return on being imaginative.

So. . . what are you taking away from having read this article?

Pay attention to what shows up out of the corner of “your” eye!

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Partners Profit When. . .

Share the wealth of information you have learned about yourself with your partner.

Agree to share relationship tips and techniques in a loving way. Agree is the key word.

CAUTION: Be careful that in your sharing you don’t consistently “point the finger” by suggesting tips that you know that they need. That doesn’t work!

A better way might be to share the insights you have noticed that have deeply affected your thinking and your behavior toward your partner.

How sad to have changed your mind about something that affects your relationship and never communicate it with your partner.

Make a promise to yourself to never have any “undelivered communication.” Talk about anything and everything to each other in a loving way that shows you really care.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com

Push the Envelope

Develop a mutual incentive in your relationship that will assist you in motivating each other to be the best you can be. Be inventive in providing the kind of reward that can be your inspiration to continue the process. Never stop. NEVER!

Have the incentive be bigger than you can imagine and something you can both be excited about, something that will call forth the extra effort required to get you both back in the groove.

How about a romantic getaway in the mountains for a long weekend? Use your imagination.

Mutual agreement is important. Mutually agree that you will do something exciting together when you can both agree that your new relationship has reached a higher plateau.

It is important to understand that a marriage partnership is never 50/50. Relationships seldom feel easy, however, a relationship is less of a struggle when two people agree to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Whatever it takes doesn’t mean “giving it your best shot and if it doesn’t work, you move on.” It means doing whatever it takes.

Try 100/100. That works much better.

Copyright © 2010 – Larry James. This idea is adapted from Larry’s books, “How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship,” “LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing” and “Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers.” Larry James is a professional speaker, author, relationship coach and a nondenominational minister. He performs the most “Romantic” wedding ceremony you will find anywhere.

Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. – CelebrateLove.com and CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

NOTE: All articles and “LoveNotes” listed in this BLOG – written by Larry James – are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.

Add Larry James to your Facebook page: http://www.Facebook.com/larry.james
Follow Larry’s “once daily” Relationship Tweet at: http://www.Twitter.com/larryjames
Follow Larry’s “Wedding BLOG” at: http://CelebrateIntimateWeddings.wordpress.com
Follow Larry’s “Networking BLOG” at: http://NetworkingHQ.wordpress.com