How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book

Let’s face it. Reading a relationship book will not mend a broken heart or fix a relationship that needs a major overhaul.

Books don’t work! People in the relationship have to do the work.

A relationship book can offer tips, suggestions, old ideas expressed new ways, perhaps even a few new thoughts and if you are reading with an open mind; a mind that is ready to change its way of thinking, you might even find the inspiration to begin to reinvent the relationship you have to make it better.

By the way, smart people do not wait until their relationship is taking a dive before they do something about it. Preventive maintenance works. They read. They attend personal growth seminars together. They learn to talk so their partner will want to listen and they actually begin to LISTEN to what their partner is saying. It is a continuing process; one that should never have an end.

Unless both partners are willing to make some changes about the way they are being in the relationship, generally speaking the relationship will either continue in its “do nothing” rut or one partner will outgrow the other and eventually leave.

How sad to do nothing and allow the relationship to suffocate and die a slow agonizing death; both being miserable all the while and each partner remaining too stubborn to be the first one to take a step in the right direction. That’s called stupid! You must both take the first step while you are still afraid.

All the tips and suggestions about relationships in all the relationship books you can read will not change a thing. Words alone cannot change anything. It takes action. Unless you are inspired to do something different; unless you change your way of being in a relationship your relationship will not get better. Simply reading a book won’t do it.

Does this mean that there is no hope? The answer is no. The hope lies in being willing to take what you read to heart and then doing the work necessary to make the relationship a healthy one.

Relationships are something that you must work on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Many times we turn to books at a time of crisis. Often this is too late.

What happens when your partner will not read a book with you? Let me put it this way, it is a far better thing to be working on your relationship alone than to do nothing and allow your partner to pull you down to their level.

“But,” you say, “how can the relationship get better if I am the only one working on it?” The overall relationship you have together may or may not improve, however your own attitude about it will. This alone is a positive step in the right direction.

You cannot make someone else do something that they do not want to do and expect good results. Until most people recognize the benefits of working together on the relationship, nothing happens.

Remember this: The most important relationship you have is the relationship you have with yourself. Often when couples are together they forget to continue to take care of themselves thinking and hoping that either their partner will do this for them or that if they work much harder on the relationship everything will be okay. Wrong!

You must take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Your partners responsibility is to do the same. TOGETHER you take care of the relationship. A partner who neglects their own well being is demonstrating disrepect for the relationship.

Your partner cannot possibly know what is best for YOUR well being as well as you, therefore it is YOUR responsibility to take care of you. The same is true for your partner. Two broken people cannot fix each other or the relationship.

Working and reading together is the key. Respecting your partner and the relationship enough to study the psychology of having a healthy love realtionship together must be your highest priority.

When you work together as a team, great things begin to happen. Learning to be a support to your partner in the relationship can work miracles. Lending a helping hand; offering to go the extra mile; walking hand-in-hand, together and being your partner’s best friend in the process is certainly a much better option than doing nothing.

Let’s get back to the business of getting the most from reading a relationship book. . . together.

First of all, head for the local office supply store and buy two colored highlighters. Why two? Because the best way to benefit from reading a relationship book is to read it together.

While YOU are reading it, mark the passages that are important to you with a bright YELLOW highlighter. Then give the book to your love partner requesting that he or she do the same, marking important passages as they read with a light BLUE highlighter.

Why? Because when there are areas in the book that are important to BOTH of you and the highlighters overlay, you will see GREEN. Yellow and blue make green. When you see green this time, it does not mean envy! Green means “Go!” It means these are the areas of the relationship that are important to both of you.

It is always a good idea to begin with areas that you agree upon. Knowing where you stand and what you both hold to be valuable to the relationship is a must. Some couples never stop long enough to consider how important this kind of information can be.

Next. . . take some time to carefully review the passages your partner has marked with their own color; make notes of what is important to him or her. These are the areas of the relationship that need your careful attention. Do your best to focus on what is important to you and to your partner. You need to know what is essential for your partner’s happiness and to care enough to do your best to provide it.

The next step is to openly and honestly discuss what you have read TOGETHER! What you cannot talk about keeps you stuck! Make a new agreement to talk about anything and everything all the time. Make it a promise you both keep. It may be one of the most difficult promises to keep, however the benefits are worth it.

Caution ~ Resist the urge to mark the passages you KNOW your love partner NEEDS to read. When the student is ready, the teacher appears! Let the teacher be the book. . . not you. Let your love partner read and get from the book what he or she needs to learn. It rarely helps to push your own stuff on someone else. It often only causes resentment or drives a person further away.

By the way, any reluctance or refusal by your love partner to FULLY participate in WORKING TOGETHER on your relationship, regardless of the way you BOTH choose to do that (counseling, attending relationship & personal development seminars together, implementing this idea of reading and discussing the relationship book together, etc.), is a RED FLAG!!!

If this is the case, therapy is always a wise choice.

Copyright © 2007 - Larry James. Adapted from the book, “How to Really Love the One You’re With.” Subscribe to Larry’s FREE monthly “LoveNotes for Lovers” eZINE.

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Networking: A Woman’s Contact Sport

Making the right contacts in business is extremely important to your success.

The truth is, no one really has cornered the market on networking as a contact sport. Networking is too big a sport for anyone to ever get a corner on it. For those of you who are successful, however, it’s more than a favorite pastime. It’s a way of life.

Most successful business women that I know are active networkers. Women excel in networking. Ask me, I know. I know a professional networker when I see one. I have built my professional speaking and publishing career by networking.

Meeting people is a must. It’s not only “who you know,” it’s “who knows you.” Meeting the people who count has to be a top priority. Meeting the right people gets you noticed and gets you places. If you have a desire to work smart, networking is one way to effectively do that.

Successful women in networking are not shy. Nancy Siegel, owner of Nancy Siegel Insurance Agency, Inc., says, “Don’t be afraid to be the first one to speak to a stranger. Most people feel as uncomfortable as yourself and are usually glad to have someone to talk with after the ice is broken.”

It has been my experience that women seem to have a special knack for networking. Perhaps it is inbred in our culture. Women always seem to intuitively understand where to go or who to contact for just about anything they need or want to know. There are many men who are very successful at networking, however, when it comes to being creative with contact talents, women get “thumbs up” from me.

Let’s put networking in the right perspective. For the purpose of this discussion, let’s work with a definition of networking that has served me well.

Networking is. . . using your creative talents to help others achieve their goals as you cultivate a network of people strategically positioned to support you in your goals. . . expecting nothing in return! - Larry James

Now, lets take a moment to think about that. Is that a belief system you could buy into? Read it again.

It is estimated that 65 - 75% of those people who are actively engaged in networking are women. People who network keep score by how many business leads they give others, not by how many leads they receive.

Kathy Holt, owner of Forget-Me-Not Gift Baskets, Inc., says, “If you really network right, with a commitment to only helping others, you will get back twice as much and make lifetime friendships.” She should know. Kathy experienced a 38.6% increase in business in five months after she joined The Tulsa Business Connection, a group I founded in 1985. She also recommends joining and getting involved with the Chamber of Commerce.

You won’t find people who take the easy way out actively participating in networking groups. Experienced networkers can spot someone who is only in it for themselves a mile away. People who want something for nothing do not succeed at networking. They fade in and drop out.

We erroneously call these people losers. They are not losers, they have yet to understand that to be successful you must first have integrity and second, commitment. They seldom stay with a project until its completion. Therefore they don’t do well when networking because networking demands both integrity and commitment. People who know the truth behind my definition of networking know that when you help others get what they want, you ultimately get what you want.

High achievers consistently are looking for a way to better themselves and to assist others in the process. They know that by participating in someone else’s success, they become more successful. You can’t be afraid of hard work and effectively network.

Networking works. And you must consistently work it. Rose Mary Winget, former sales manager at McCaw Communications once told me, “Don’t say you don’t have time. You don’t have time not to network.” Her entire sales staff is actively involved in networking groups. She also hired me to present my networking seminar, Networking: Making the Right Connections, to her group.

Rose Mary’s experience has taught her that networking gets quicker results than prospecting. When you prospect, you are looking for potential customers and clients. When you network, you capitalize on the alliances you have developed with others in your network; they do your prospecting for you.

It makes sense. You can multiply your own personal effectiveness by the number of people you know, who believe in you, like you, trust you and are committed to refer business leads to you. Isn’t it a better use of your time to develop close personal and business relationships with people who are on your side and will help you succeed?

Many salespeople never get down to business. Their only interest is “busy-ness.” I don’t know about you, but busy-ness has never made me any money. To be successful, you must do what counts. Focus on what matters. Networking is building supportive personal and busines relationships; it’s meeting new people and making new friends; it’s helping others help themselves.

Marilyn Minter, a former Tulsa real estate agent started her own networking group, “Tulsans Networking Tulsa” (TNT) in March, 1991. Marilyn says, “Networking has given me the opportunity to make contact with literally hundreds of people. I never would have met those people without networking. The heart of my real estate business came from the personal referrals acquired while networking.” Her advice to women who are considering networking, “Get started. Be patient. Believe in yourself and never quit.”

Within the concept of networking is a blueprint for change. With change comes new ways of thinking. If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.

There is only one way to keep your career growing. YOU must keep growing. Ask the women who network about the personal growth they have experienced. Ask them about how much better they feel about themselves now that they are doing more of what the pros do.

In meetings that are specifically designated for networking, each person is asked to give their “30 Second Connection” as a way of introducing themselves and their business to the group. After her first networking meeting, Vicky Olsen, who was visiting the group to fill the banker slot, confided in me that standing up to give her “30 second connection” to the group was very scary and she wasn’t sure she would return.

I asked her what her goals were for her advancement at the bank. She told me. I then explained that if she ever expected to achieve her goals, one of the most important elements of her success would be networking. To overcome her fear, I suggested that she take the Dale Carnegie Course. She did and later became one of their top “graduate assistants.”

I also told her that as far as presenting her “30 second connection” was concerned, if she followed the guidelines, she couldn’t get it wrong because no one in the audience knew what she was going to say anyway. I also suggested that she take an active part in the leadership of the group.

Less than a year later, she was the Treasurer of the group and served two one-year terms. Each week she stood unafraid to give the Treasurer’s report. And now the good news: Vicky was promoted to Vice President of the bank.

It takes courage to network; do put yourself “out there;” to consistently move toward something better; to become the someone you look up to. The more you network, the more courage you receive. Be courageous and you will discover more courage!

Unless you are committed to doing more than you’ve done before, you will feel some discomfort when becoming involved in networking. This is natural. You will be in the presence of doers. You, who are not doing, may be confronted by this. Thus, you may feel uncomfortable.

People who do more get results! They are actively engaged in activities that feed their enthusiasm for their calling. For them, backward in not an option. They are on “fast forward.” They get things done. They make every minute count when they are networking. They are aware of the “net” result. They know that what you put out to the universe, always comes back to you. They are dedicated to doing good for others.

How many successful people do you know? Network to get to know more. The energy they dedicate to helping others is infectious. Listen to their success stories. Listen for the opportunity that a fresh perspective presents. For me, it’s a lesson in inspiration; inspiring me to be the best I can be.

For a horse, one inch farther often wins the race. In networking, you never know when the next contact you make may be the one inch that puts you in the winner’s circle.

I met Gregory J.P. Godek — America’s Romance Coach — while networking. Greg is the best-selling author of “1001 Ways to Be Romantic.” We sat at the same lunch table at a National Speakers Association meeing many years ago. He referred me to his book distributor. Five days later, I had a three year contract for them to distribute my relationship books to all the major book stores. This was a big break for me. We have since become great friends. He mentions my work in the relationship area in his books; I mention his work for the “romantically impaired” in my books.

Networkers play too! When they play, they have fun. They know that the time they devote to social and recreational activities with family and friends pays off with a sense of having recharged their batteries. After 11 years of networking, Nancy Siegel advises: “Know when to stop and recharge. Learn how to say “no” to please yourself instead of “yes” to please others. when you network, network! Whey you play, play!”

Remember too, the energy level of successful people operates above average because they love who they are and what they do.

Above average people network for above average results. They know a good thing when they see one. They stick with it. They are the above average women who have discovered a wonderful contact sport called “networking” and are still making new and exciting personal and business contacts after “all these years.”

Note:  For more business networking articles, go to: http://www.TenCommitmentsofNetworking.com/articles.html.

Copyright © 2007 - Larry James. This article is adapted from Larry’s book, “Ten Commitments of Networking: Creative Ways to Maximize Your Personal Connections!.” Author Larry James presents business networking seminars nationally. Contact: CelebrateLove.com, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. - CelebrateLove.com

NOTE: All articles listed in this BLOG are available for reprint in magazines, periodicals, newsletters, newspapers, eZINEs, on the Internet or on your own Website. Click here for details.